Wedding Blog
Sometimes as I read through all the blogs and hear the stories of other weddings, I wonder: Am I doing this right? Should I have spent less money here? Should I add in this detail? Lately, I’ve been feeling the guilt of asking myself, “Am I spending too much? Am I a bridezilla? Do I deserve this?” There’s nothing that has really changed in our plans or actions to make me feel this way, but perhaps I do worry about how others perceive me.
As I read through my Google reader I came across two posts at A Practical Wedding and East Side Bride that seemed to voice some of the concerns I was having. It seems like there has been this shift from celebrating and admiring the budget savvy bride, to adding in the extra subtle step of judging those who spend more on their weddings. I don’t think this is always intentional, but sometimes it inferred in comments that are expressed.
We are beyond blessed to have a big family and an incredible community of friends and we want them at our wedding. Does this make the wedding bigger and thus mean a larger venue, more meals, etc. equaling a bigger budget? Yes, but I wouldn’t change that. I should not feel guilty or that I need to justify the cost. But why do I? Even now I feel like I should tell you that my budget isn’t out of control, that I’ve found good deals and I’m not being over the top. I’m not going to though, because that would be giving in to the feeling I’m trying to avoid.
Ultimately I see our wedding as the celebration of our joy and love with the amazing friends and family we are blessed to have in our lives. Our goal is that all of our guests can celebrate, have fun and walk away knowing us better as a couple. However, there still is the desire to put on a beautiful event that reflects us a couple and allows us to share with those we love. I love event planning and enjoy putting time, sweat and tears into details that only I may notice. Our wedding is right for us. It’s not over the top or under spent. It’s a day that will reflect us, and we’re inviting others to share in that.
I need to step away from the desire to compare and worry. What is right and perfect for one person may not be right for another. As I’ve been reading through the real budget posts, I’ve been able to reminisce about the beautiful weddings that all the bees have had. Each person has a different budget, uses it in a different way, and in the end, I still admire, “ooh”, and “ahh”, over each one in the recaps. But my “oohs” and “ahhs” don’t necessarily come from how much was spent or not spent. The admiration comes from the thought, personality, and love in each picture, and detail and the celebration of the memory from the journey I followed along with for so many months.
I hope I didn’t come off harshly or offend anyone. It just feels good to get some of those thoughts off my chest and alleviate some pressure I’ve been feeling. Thanks to Meg at A Practical Wedding and East Side Bride for easing some of my thoughts and helping me move past some of these feelings.
Can anyone else relate to feeling guilty or questioning something due to the worry of perception?
|
Share this post: Should I Feel Budget Guilty?
I completely relate. I am constantly feeling like people judge how and what we spend our money on when it coems to the wedding. I don’t think people realize how their small comments can really stress out a bride.
We are really happy with what we chose, we planned everything out, we are doing our best to have the day we want, yet I constantly feel guilty that I’m either spending too much money or wasting too much time on all the little detaisl, which I happen to love.
It’s nice to see soemone else feels the same and I’m not crazy! I have been following you since you started and I love everything you are doing! Your projects and ideas are amazing. 
When the economy started to tank, both my husband and I had friends that lost their jobs. We had booked all the vendors and sent out save the dates and I started to wonder, if maybe I could have cut some costs somewhere. I grappled with it for a several months on and off. Now that the wedding is over I know that my husband and I made the right decisions for us. Some may think it was extravegant, others think that we didn’t do enough (my husband makes 3X what I make before bonuses). We felt good about the wedding we had, and the people that we had there with us. When planning a wedding you need to decide what’s best for you. Only then will you be happy.
I’m glad those articles helped ease your mind and I wish I would have read them a few months before my own wedding.
Thank you for your post! I agree there is that feeling of almost showing off at how little ladies have spent on their weddings. Thanks for putting it all in perspective; at the end of the day it’s about love and sharing that love with friends and family.
Miss Duckling I think your post will relate to so many women. Thank you for actually putting your thoughts into words and sharing it with us because sometimes, during the process of planning, we just get so wrapped up into things and usually don’t realize it. Although I have just started to plan for my wedding, I am struggling to think I can afford much of anything even though I’m having a smaller wedding than my sister did and have maybe a little more money than she did to use. While I don’t think women who talk about their budgets and how much they DIDN’T spend is bragging or anything of that nature, I think it is there way to show women who don’t have a large budget that they too can have a wedding that is beautiful and their style if they wish.
what I dislike it when people make the leap from judging the couple for spending money to judging the marriage based on money. I think we’ve all heard “oh they had this lavish wedding and the marriage only last six months” and then it’s always juxtaposed with “but so&so had a potluck wedding in a cornfield and they’ve been married 30 yrs.” And the reality is people from all walks of life get divorced.
But also I see how easy it is to make the leap. In the end a wedding is something that is frivolous…not a necessity…and therefore there will always be people who judge whether or not you should spend money on it. It’s like cars…most of us need cars and no one will judge us for buying one…but buy something flashy like a convertible mercedes or wasteful like a hummer and there will be people who judge b/c you made the leap from necessity to frivolous. It just goes with the territory I think. Just remember most people criticize others to make themselves feel good so don’t let it get you down.
very relieved to read your post! my parents have been extremely generous, to the point that my dad who always seemed stingy and hurtful when it came to money is like a totally different person who for once wants me to be the princess. they’re already partially retired and financially secure, and they are throwing us a very lovely affair with very few corners cut. many of my friends were married recently, and their families could not contribute as much, and they had much simpler weddings. sometimes i feel self-conscious about that - and i hope none of my recently married friends will feel jealous or judge me for our bigger budget. the ONLY person who has made us feel bad about the extravagance, ironically, is FMIL!!! She read up on a successful relative of ours and is convinced we are wealthy (ah, no, just financially in control) and clearly she feels self-conscious about my parents’ contribution, I know she has told her daughters (during a yelling fit) that they better not expect this kind of wedding because they will have to pay for their own. I hope she can calm down and just enjoy the day her son gets married!!
Thank you Miss Duckling!! For posting this, I can relate. I don’t talk about my budget to anyone, whether or not someone would think it is a lot or not. I also don’t feel I need to break down any savings or splurges to anyone. Everyone has different opinions on weddings anyway and I don’t need to justify getting married to anyone why would I justify what I spent.
As a budget friendly bride, although I’m sure some would say spending upwards of $15K on a wedding with only 50 guest is excessive - this is a budget I’m comfortable with because I don’t have to cut too many corners, but I’m still on a budget and I am reminded every day when a vendor finds out how much I am willing to spend.
The industry gears itself towards you brides who don’t seem to have a budget. It is daunting to search for photographer after photograher who’s charging $5K minimum for 5 hours of work, nor do they don’t want to give you the negatives. It’s daunting when they charge $1500 for a photo album they do on Kodak Gallery. A venue that charges $5000 just to rent the place. Or, a florist that won’t even give you a call back if you’re budget is $1000 or less. I’m paying $1200 for flowers for my small wedding and I’m not even having a bridal party.
Believe me, us budget friendly brides feel the pressure everytime we pick up Martha Stewart or Instyle Weddings.
Funny, I just wrote a post on this subject but coming from the otherside. If we weren’t building a house, we’d be putting more into this wedding but everyday we’re hit with decision between high quality wood floors or a nicer dress, or an experienced photographer with the works or the difference between a 20 year roof and 40 year roof.
I actually worry that people will think my parents are cheap because we’re doing this wedding on a smallish budget. They’ve offered but we couldn’t accept considering the property they just gifted us.
I’ve also been worrying about my budget. It’s nice to hear someone else voice this concern! I’m rather young, and sometimes I worry that people will think I’m being frivolous. Thanks for writing this, because now I realize that as long as I’m staying within the budget my FI and I set, I should just enjoy and appreciate the fact that we are able to throw the type of celebration I want!
Now, on to worrying about everything ELSE regarding the wedding! Haha.
Thank you thank you thank you. I read both APW’s and East Side Bride’s posts this morning. For months I’ve been thinking exactly what you, APW, and ESB just said. So much of what I hear on the blogs is “Look at me. Look at how much I DIDN’T spend on ____. Look at me and how much better I am than you because I only spent $____.” I’ll say it: I have a budget up to $40,000. And honestly? I am sick of being “ashamed” of that. So no more, damn it. My mom and grandma have graciously opened their wallets for us and I’m forever thankful. Like you said, I want a big wedding. I love big weddings. And I’m having my big fat freaking wedding. And yes, that makes the numbers go up. But like you also said, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Amen! I’m sick of feeling like a sham because my parents have saved for this and want to throw the party of a lifetime.
I live in a small town, and I know that the cost of a wedding locally is significantly less expensive than in New York or Chicago. Most of the weddings are in the 200+ category, and the hosts are not necessarily wealthy people. But it is always a celebration of family and friends. On a personal basis, although I come from a small immediate family… my extended family is very large and very close… So it make sense to me that a wedding needs to honor and include the people who mean so much to you!
I think budget is in the eye of the beholder. You can hold a wedding for as low as $50 (just going to the court house and bam your done) or go platinum. No ones to say whats right and whats wrong, what’s important or not. It’s up to each individual to decide what works for them, an no one should judge anyone on the way they choose to celebrate love. No matter the cost.
We have a gigantic budget, and we’re paying for it ourselves. We also have a wedding planner who we could rely on for everything. That said, I still read the same blogs as everyone else for inspiration, I’ve had the planner reach out to some of the vendors whose reviews I’ve read about on this very site, and I’ve been inspired by all of the diy projects I see to try one myself. At the end of the day, it’s not about the money. It’s about you and your fiancee and what works best for the two of you, and we all want to have an amazing, memorable once-in-a-lifetime day.
Amen, MissBookworm!
It absolutely sucks that anyone should feel pressure because they’re not spending “enough”, or guilty for spending “too much”.
As long as you’re doing what’s right for you and your partner (and sometimes your family), everything’s golden.
Thank you for posting this… I have felt the same way quite often. My FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, and our budget is ~25K…but we are not extending ourselves beyond our means and I feel that sometimes other people feel like we are being frivolous or wasteful. I am tired of feeling guilty!
Wow! We’re in the beginning of planning and the mister and I had a conversation last night that left me frustrated, stressed, and wondering how we’re gonna feed all these people with our budget. But it helps to remember that it’s more important to prepare for a MARRIAGE than for a wedding! As long as your friends have fun and you like what you do, then it’s all good
Thanks so much for posting this! Just what I needed to read today.
perfect post!
I’ve felt a little guilty, but lately it has been more of a feeling of, it is my wedding and I will do things the way I want. I have a huge family and group of friends and we want them to partake in our wedding. It is not something to feel guilty about, but blessed that you have so many people around you who want to be a part of it. Money should not be an issue (yet it should), but don’t feel guilty about how much you’re spending vs. someone else. Everyone is in a different situation.
I find that, depending on whom I’m talking to, I can either feel guilty for spending so much or like I have to justify how nice our wedding will be on so little. It’s silly.
Yeah, I can totally relate to this. Not just specifically on the budget issue, but just in general there is a lot of pressure out there, in the blog world and otherwise, for your wedding to be a certain way. All the emphasis on detail and originality can be overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes I ask myself why I am stressing out over little things when all that really matters is that I’m marrying my guy. I think it’s important to take a step back every once in awhile and reevaluate from a different perspective.
Love this post. It’s so relative - I thought we spent an absolute fortune (thanks to my parents’ generosity), but then I talk to others who think my budget is very cheap. Just gotta quit comparing and go do your thing, as long as you do it responsibly and in a way that makes you happy.
Miss Duckling,
I hear you. =( I think the wedding we are planning is budget for us. Everyone is in a different economic situation so budget is different for everyone. We’re a middle class couple with a 9-5 job just starting out in our career and I think our wedding will reflect that.
Playing devil’s advocate, maybe the “budget couple” wishes they can spend WAY more than they can afford to and hence comes the trend of a “budget wedding” as a defense mechanism to make themselves feel better.
Or I may look at one bride’s budget and go wow I can’t believe they were able to spend that little on their wedding; when in reality they could be in debt because it was beyond their means.
And I think the key point you stated is that your day will be an amazing celebration between family and friends. Others have opted not to do that which will of course save a lot of dough. For me personally, I agree with you. Our day will be a celebration between us with our family and friends who will care enough to take the time out of their day and for some a small summer vacation to celebrate our love with us. So we want to treat them right!
Hm. I think my reply made no sense. Oh well.
Great post!
$$ is such a tricky thing no matter how you cut it -
Really interesting post. You know, I hadn’t thought about it from your POV, because I feel pressure in the other direction. We paid for our wedding ourselves on what most people would consider a small amount ($10K) and we busted our butts to make it work. I’m always jealous when I see things in magazines or on blogs like beautiful flowers or invitations that we simply didn’t have the money for. We also got pressure/judgment from people because of our budget–It actually hurt my feelings because I had someone tell me how nice my wedding was for “something less expensive”. I felt badly for my mom because she just didn’t have the money to contribute as much as she would have liked and I know that traditionally, the burden of the expenses fall on the bride’s family.
I guess my point is that it’s too bad that people on either side of this issue have to feel bad about their choices. We should all support one another and just realize that we all make different choices for different weddings, but our weddings can be just as fabulous.
I never thought about budgets from your perspective. In fact, I worry that people will judge us for not spending enough and keeping the guest list small. We missed a wedding a few weeks ago, and were told that we didn’t miss much because it was “cheap.” (Not my words) It’s completely inappropriate for anyone to judge a wedding or a couple based on how much money they do or do not spend. Some people are more fortunate than others in that regard, and that’s alright.
I cannot be more glad to read your post. To be honest, Ive found myself coming to WeddingBee less and less because I’ve noticed an increasing pressure to be a budget bride and seen some judgemental comments about spending that made me feel like maybe I didn’t belong here. Some of us have really big families and we forget that double the guestlist is pretty much double the cost. I wish I could have an intimate wedding, but it is just not in the cards for us. By average standards, I have an extravagant budget of 80k thanks to my parents, but at the same time, by no means am i spending frivolously to my hearts content. I can’t afford a photobooth, or letterpress. I am still wearing a sample gown, doing DIY invites and making my own manzanita centerpieces. We all are working hard to make our dream wedding happen and I don’t think anyone should be made to feel like their day is any less worthy.
I’m glad that so many people could relate to how I am feeling from one perspective or another. I think people feel pressure whether on smaller budgets and larger budgets. It’s nice to be able to read all these comments and see the support and encouragement we have for each other.
@LovestheBear: Yikes I can’t believe someone said that!
I’m guessing that I am not alone, although people may be afraid to say it. Obviously you can spend what ever you want on your wedding, assuming you have the money. But, maybe you should feel bad for spending the average yearly income for a family of three on a wedding. I am guessing that there are a lot of charities out there, especially right now, that would love even a tenth of your budget. And they could really put that money to work. I know our weddings are our “big day” and they are supposed to be the greatest parties of our lives. But, would you feel comfortable siting down with a family that is on welfare and detailing your expenses? Just a thought.
It is interesting how the door swings both ways, people judge if you spend too much money and other judge because you spent too little, you just can’t win!
I am a bride who does care alot about budget, and mine is a tight one, am I proud of the money savings decisions I have made? Yes. Do I want to tell others about them? Yes, because I have learned alot from other brides too. I just hope this exchanging of information & being proud of decisions I have made with regards to money doesn’t makes anyone think that it is a “holier then thou” complex. Regardless of a big budget, big wedding, small budget, small wedding; I think everyone gets a little bit of the “look at me! look what I did!” syndrome
I can understand your persepctive–budget brides can get the exact same criticism, pressure and expectation in reverse. Still, I think it’s important to keep in perspective the fact that expensive weddings (not necessarily showy or lavish) are still a dominant, drool-worthy force in the blogosphere and I think the tides are just turning and people are more open about budgets, costs and financial priorities when it comes to wedding planning. I think you just have to accept that people may judge no matter what and try to let it go.
@circe… you’re so right. to spend the equivalent of an annual family income is ridiculous and it really does not make feel good! i mean, it’s more than my annual income for sure! but the money isnt mine and a lot of the choices/obligations are beyond my control. and i guess the thing that makes me feel a little bummed is is when its implied that because my budget is x amount, i don’t feel bad about spending that kind of money or i that i dont give to charity (i do!). i come to WB to be inspired by other brides of all kinds, and believe me, there are plenty of budget brides and budget weddings i envy!
I can totally relate… and I was totally stocked on some of the deals I got, but then I see the deals other ppl got and I think I’m still wasting money. But, I’m not wasting it b/c I’m only getting married once and it is going to be an AWESOME party 
Judging a wedding based on $$ isn’t cool, but I have to agree with Signey and Westcoastbride: The vast majority of wedding magazines, blogs and other planning resources still celebrate the no-holds-barred, big, fancy wedding. I think it’s awesome that the tide is turning and that there are blogs out there that focus on the budget-conscious bride.
[...] Filed under: Uncategorized — Brit @ 9:49 am Tags: budget, wedding So the other night I read this post on one of my daily wedding blog reads (yes, I have many). I had already fought with the idea of [...]
While I do agree with you Miss Duckling & the majority of the other comments, I have to (shamefully) admit that sometimes I am guilty of judging other peoples’ budgets.
It’s not that I think that what they spent their money on is unnecessary or ridiculous in any way, but the only reason I do this is because there are so many ways people can save money that they don’t even realize.
For example, I know someone who just had to have her wedding cake from one of the most expensive, well-known bakers in our area, so she booked it without a second thought or much consideration, just going on the baker’s name. In reality, her cake was quite disappointing. It was far less impressive than my cousin’s wedding cake, which came from an inexpensive baker. To me, the first bride wasted her money (and she even said so as well.)
I am a person who loves saving money wherever I can without sacrificing beauty and quality, and before I buy anything I do TONS of research on it (read up on pricing, read reviews that other people have written, ask around, etc.) so this carries over to every aspect of my life, including large wedding purchases.
For me, there is no other way but to find the most budget-friendly version of what I want, read up on it, and go for it if I like it. Of course there are exceptions, but for the most part this approach works. I know this is not how everyone feels though, so I need to remind myself that everyone has different ways of doing things
It’s so interesting, I feel judged all the time for not spending “enough.” I never knew people felt the same way for spending “too much.” At the same time, I think the current emphasis on budget weddings is a really healthy balance to the long-standing and prevalent emphasis on more expensive weddings. As a young-ish couple paying for most of the wedding ourselves, and it has been so inspiring to see that people have been able to have beautiful weddings in our price range.
I do think weddingbee has done an excellent job of showcasing a variety of budgets.
| Visit our sister sites | Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Fertile Thoughts Infertility Support |
Mrs. Duckling, San Diego
Age and Occupation: 23, Psychology Grad Student, Youth Diversion Specialist/Marriage and Family Therapy Trainee and an Executive Assistant
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Marketing and PR Coordinator
Engagement Date: May 17, 2008
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: Rancho Bernardo Inn
About Me: I'm currently living in Orange County, but planning our wedding in my hometown of San Diego. We are a DIY wedding "2fer", as I'm the crafty one and Mr. Ducky is in charge of all of our graphic design and technical aspects. When not wedding planning or reading wedding blogs, I'm attending grad school and rotating between two different jobs to keep things exciting. My favorite things include shoes, Post-Its, Labrador Retrievers, traveling, psychology, delicious food, photography, reading, craft gadgets/supplies, and of course, my wonderful Mr. Ducky!
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
| 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |
| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 |
| 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |
| 29 | 30 |
Latest Gallery Pics