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Sometimes as I read through all the blogs and hear the stories of other weddings, I wonder: Am I doing this right? Should I have spent less money here? Should I add in this detail? Lately, I’ve been feeling the guilt of asking myself, “Am I spending too much? Am I a bridezilla? Do I deserve this?” There’s nothing that has really changed in our plans or actions to make me feel this way, but perhaps I do worry about how others perceive me.
As I read through my Google reader I came across two posts at A Practical Wedding and East Side Bride that seemed to voice some of the concerns I was having. It seems like there has been this shift from celebrating and admiring the budget savvy bride, to adding in the extra subtle step of judging those who spend more on their weddings. I don’t think this is always intentional, but sometimes it inferred in comments that are expressed.
We are beyond blessed to have a big family and an incredible community of friends and we want them at our wedding. Does this make the wedding bigger and thus mean a larger venue, more meals, etc. equaling a bigger budget? Yes, but I wouldn’t change that. I should not feel guilty or that I need to justify the cost. But why do I? Even now I feel like I should tell you that my budget isn’t out of control, that I’ve found good deals and I’m not being over the top. I’m not going to though, because that would be giving in to the feeling I’m trying to avoid.
Ultimately I see our wedding as the celebration of our joy and love with the amazing friends and family we are blessed to have in our lives. Our goal is that all of our guests can celebrate, have fun and walk away knowing us better as a couple. However, there still is the desire to put on a beautiful event that reflects us a couple and allows us to share with those we love. I love event planning and enjoy putting time, sweat and tears into details that only I may notice. Our wedding is right for us. It’s not over the top or under spent. It’s a day that will reflect us, and we’re inviting others to share in that.
I need to step away from the desire to compare and worry. What is right and perfect for one person may not be right for another. As I’ve been reading through the real budget posts, I’ve been able to reminisce about the beautiful weddings that all the bees have had. Each person has a different budget, uses it in a different way, and in the end, I still admire, “ooh”, and “ahh”, over each one in the recaps. But my “oohs” and “ahhs” don’t necessarily come from how much was spent or not spent. The admiration comes from the thought, personality, and love in each picture, and detail and the celebration of the memory from the journey I followed along with for so many months.
I hope I didn’t come off harshly or offend anyone. It just feels good to get some of those thoughts off my chest and alleviate some pressure I’ve been feeling. Thanks to Meg at A Practical Wedding and East Side Bride for easing some of my thoughts and helping me move past some of these feelings.
Can anyone else relate to feeling guilty or questioning something due to the worry of perception?
I completely relate. I am constantly feeling like people judge how and what we spend our money on when it coems to the wedding. I don’t think people realize how their small comments can really stress out a bride.
We are really happy with what we chose, we planned everything out, we are doing our best to have the day we want, yet I constantly feel guilty that I’m either spending too much money or wasting too much time on all the little detaisl, which I happen to love.
It’s nice to see soemone else feels the same and I’m not crazy! I have been following you since you started and I love everything you are doing! Your projects and ideas are amazing. 
When the economy started to tank, both my husband and I had friends that lost their jobs. We had booked all the vendors and sent out save the dates and I started to wonder, if maybe I could have cut some costs somewhere. I grappled with it for a several months on and off. Now that the wedding is over I know that my husband and I made the right decisions for us. Some may think it was extravegant, others think that we didn’t do enough (my husband makes 3X what I make before bonuses). We felt good about the wedding we had, and the people that we had there with us. When planning a wedding you need to decide what’s best for you. Only then will you be happy.
I’m glad those articles helped ease your mind and I wish I would have read them a few months before my own wedding.
Thank you for your post! I agree there is that feeling of almost showing off at how little ladies have spent on their weddings. Thanks for putting it all in perspective; at the end of the day it’s about love and sharing that love with friends and family.
Miss Duckling I think your post will relate to so many women. Thank you for actually putting your thoughts into words and sharing it with us because sometimes, during the process of planning, we just get so wrapped up into things and usually don’t realize it. Although I have just started to plan for my wedding, I am struggling to think I can afford much of anything even though I’m having a smaller wedding than my sister did and have maybe a little more money than she did to use. While I don’t think women who talk about their budgets and how much they DIDN’T spend is bragging or anything of that nature, I think it is there way to show women who don’t have a large budget that they too can have a wedding that is beautiful and their style if they wish.
what I dislike it when people make the leap from judging the couple for spending money to judging the marriage based on money. I think we’ve all heard “oh they had this lavish wedding and the marriage only last six months” and then it’s always juxtaposed with “but so&so had a potluck wedding in a cornfield and they’ve been married 30 yrs.” And the reality is people from all walks of life get divorced.
But also I see how easy it is to make the leap. In the end a wedding is something that is frivolous…not a necessity…and therefore there will always be people who judge whether or not you should spend money on it. It’s like cars…most of us need cars and no one will judge us for buying one…but buy something flashy like a convertible mercedes or wasteful like a hummer and there will be people who judge b/c you made the leap from necessity to frivolous. It just goes with the territory I think. Just remember most people criticize others to make themselves feel good so don’t let it get you down.
very relieved to read your post! my parents have been extremely generous, to the point that my dad who always seemed stingy and hurtful when it came to money is like a totally different person who for once wants me to be the princess. they’re already partially retired and financially secure, and they are throwing us a very lovely affair with very few corners cut. many of my friends were married recently, and their families could not contribute as much, and they had much simpler weddings. sometimes i feel self-conscious about that - and i hope none of my recently married friends will feel jealous or judge me for our bigger budget. the ONLY person who has made us feel bad about the extravagance, ironically, is FMIL!!! She read up on a successful relative of ours and is convinced we are wealthy (ah, no, just financially in control) and clearly she feels self-conscious about my parents’ contribution, I know she has told her daughters (during a yelling fit) that they better not expect this kind of wedding because they will have to pay for their own. I hope she can calm down and just enjoy the day her son gets married!!
Thank you Miss Duckling!! For posting this, I can relate. I don’t talk about my budget to anyone, whether or not someone would think it is a lot or not. I also don’t feel I need to break down any savings or splurges to anyone. Everyone has different opinions on weddings anyway and I don’t need to justify getting married to anyone why would I justify what I spent.
As a budget friendly bride, although I’m sure some would say spending upwards of $15K on a wedding with only 50 guest is excessive - this is a budget I’m comfortable with because I don’t have to cut too many corners, but I’m still on a budget and I am reminded every day when a vendor finds out how much I am willing to spend.
The industry gears itself towards you brides who don’t seem to have a budget. It is daunting to search for photographer after photograher who’s charging $5K minimum for 5 hours of work, nor do they don’t want to give you the negatives. It’s daunting when they charge $1500 for a photo album they do on Kodak Gallery. A venue that charges $5000 just to rent the place. Or, a florist that won’t even give you a call back if you’re budget is $1000 or less. I’m paying $1200 for flowers for my small wedding and I’m not even having a bridal party.
Believe me, us budget friendly brides feel the pressure everytime we pick up Martha Stewart or Instyle Weddings.
Funny, I just wrote a post on this subject but coming from the otherside. If we weren’t building a house, we’d be putting more into this wedding but everyday we’re hit with decision between high quality wood floors or a nicer dress, or an experienced photographer with the works or the difference between a 20 year roof and 40 year roof.
I actually worry that people will think my parents are cheap because we’re doing this wedding on a smallish budget. They’ve offered but we couldn’t accept considering the property they just gifted us.
I’ve also been worrying about my budget. It’s nice to hear someone else voice this concern! I’m rather young, and sometimes I worry that people will think I’m being frivolous. Thanks for writing this, because now I realize that as long as I’m staying within the budget my FI and I set, I should just enjoy and appreciate the fact that we are able to throw the type of celebration I want!
Now, on to worrying about everything ELSE regarding the wedding! Haha.
Thank you thank you thank you. I read both APW’s and East Side Bride’s posts this morning. For months I’ve been thinking exactly what you, APW, and ESB just said. So much of what I hear on the blogs is “Look at me. Look at how much I DIDN’T spend on ____. Look at me and how much better I am than you because I only spent $____.” I’ll say it: I have a budget up to $40,000. And honestly? I am sick of being “ashamed” of that. So no more, damn it. My mom and grandma have graciously opened their wallets for us and I’m forever thankful. Like you said, I want a big wedding. I love big weddings. And I’m having my big fat freaking wedding. And yes, that makes the numbers go up. But like you also said, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Amen! I’m sick of feeling like a sham because my parents have saved for this and want to throw the party of a lifetime.
I live in a small town, and I know that the cost of a wedding locally is significantly less expensive than in New York or Chicago. Most of the weddings are in the 200+ category, and the hosts are not necessarily wealthy people. But it is always a celebration of family and friends. On a personal basis, although I come from a small immediate family… my extended family is very large and very close… So it make sense to me that a wedding needs to honor and include the people who mean so much to you!
I think budget is in the eye of the beholder. You can hold a wedding for as low as $50 (just going to the court house and bam your done) or go platinum. No ones to say whats right and whats wrong, what’s important or not. It’s up to each individual to decide what works for them, an no one should judge anyone on the way they choose to celebrate love. No matter the cost.
We have a gigantic budget, and we’re paying for it ourselves. We also have a wedding planner who we could rely on for everything. That said, I still read the same blogs as everyone else for inspiration, I’ve had the planner reach out to some of the vendors whose reviews I’ve read about on this very site, and I’ve been inspired by all of the diy projects I see to try one myself. At the end of the day, it’s not about the money. It’s about you and your fiancee and what works best for the two of you, and we all want to have an amazing, memorable once-in-a-lifetime day.
Amen, MissBookworm!
It absolutely sucks that anyone should feel pressure because they’re not spending “enough”, or guilty for spending “too much”.
As long as you’re doing what’s right for you and your partner (and sometimes your family), everything’s golden.
Thank you for posting this… I have felt the same way quite often. My FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, and our budget is ~25K…but we are not extending ourselves beyond our means and I feel that sometimes other people feel like we are being frivolous or wasteful. I am tired of feeling guilty!
Wow! We’re in the beginning of planning and the mister and I had a conversation last night that left me frustrated, stressed, and wondering how we’re gonna feed all these people with our budget. But it helps to remember that it’s more important to prepare for a MARRIAGE than for a wedding! As long as your friends have fun and you like what you do, then it’s all good
Thanks so much for posting this! Just what I needed to read today.
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Mrs. Duckling, San Diego Age and Occupation: 23, Psychology Grad Student, Youth Diversion Specialist/Marriage and Family Therapy Trainee and an Executive Assistant Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Marketing and PR Coordinator Engagement Date: May 17, 2008 Wedding Date: September 2009 Venue: Rancho Bernardo Inn About Me: I'm currently living in Orange County, but planning our wedding in my hometown of San Diego. We are a DIY wedding "2fer", as I'm the crafty one and Mr. Ducky is in charge of all of our graphic design and technical aspects. When not wedding planning or reading wedding blogs, I'm attending grad school and rotating between two different jobs to keep things exciting. My favorite things include shoes, Post-Its, Labrador Retrievers, traveling, psychology, delicious food, photography, reading, craft gadgets/supplies, and of course, my wonderful Mr. Ducky!
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