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I have a confession. I’m a little worried about what people will say about our wedding. There’s no fancy dress, cathedral wedding, or amazing flower arrangements.
Actually, I’m not concerned what people say about Mr. Joey and I. I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drum which I DIYed myself, and anyone who knows Mr. Joey will say the same about him. Who I am worried about are my parents.
With 38 days to go, my parents have fully bought into the style of the wedding. They know there is no flowing gown or wedding cake. They know about the yellow shoes, short wedding dress and the DIYed everything else. While they weren’t jumping for joy at first, they seem to be now. Mama Joey told me the other day that she was really proud that we’d decided to do the wedding on a budget. She herself had a $30 wedding dress and all together spent less than $900 on their wedding in 1979. My Mom is the queen of practicality and I am Mama Joey’s daughter.
When Mama Joey jumped on the semi-alternative bandwagon, I knew I still had my Dad to convince. He comes from a family where weddings are a week long affair and parents spend their life savings on the event. I know he wanted a cake, a large gown and a full mass.
But surprisingly, he came around too.
So what am I worried about? I’m worried about what people will think about my parents. In my family, weddings are big and fancy or they don’t happen at all. I can already hear my aunts saying, “Why didn’t they spend money on her dress?” or, “She made all the table decorations? Why? ” Maybe I’m overreacting, but it has happened before. When Mr. Joey and I moved back to Seattle, some of my relatives asked my Mom why she let me live in the neighborhood I moved to. Couldn’t she have pitched in some rent so I could live somewhere nicer?
My parents have come a long way and are excited to see what we put together. On the day of the wedding, I know that even if everything goes wrong, they’ll only see perfection (as will we), but in the days and weeks later, that’s when I worry about people chipping away at the perfection.
I don’t know why my aunts are they way they are. Maybe it’s an Asian thing? They are still talking about a cousin who didn’t get married in the Catholic Church. She got married over 15 years ago!
I don’t want people to think my parents are cheap or stingy or didn’t care. I want them to see that my parents cared enough to step back and let us have the wedding we wanted. I want them to see they raised someone who was responsible to live within her means. I wish we had more to spend on this wedding but we don’t — not with the house. My parents would give us more, but I can’t ask them for that. I couldn’t accept more than they have already pitched in.
I guess all we can do is put things together as best as we can, fill every venue with love, and tell all the naysayers to suck it! I mean that in the nicest way. 
Is anyone else doing something out of the ordinary and a little worried about what others might say?
i am right there with you, miss joey! i am (hopefully!) planning an event that really personifies US, and is far from ‘the standard’ while still being old-fashioned in some aspects. I love the fact that what we have will be unlike anything most people have seen before, but I think we all get that nagging feeling in the back of our mind that we should have that ‘ideal’ event. =)
We’re doing a few things differently:
- Having Coldstone Creamery ice cream cakes instead of the traditional tiered cake
- Getting married outside instead of in a Catholic Church (much to my Mommom’s dismay)
- DIY flowers/centerpieces using thrift store vases and cut flowers
Here’s what I think: It’s YOUR wedding and you’re making it your own - it wouldn’t feel like your wedding if you did things to please other people. I personally would enjoy a wedding more if it was out of the ordinary in ways - “cookie cutter” weddings tend to be boring. It’s a celebration of you and your Fiance’s love together - who cares what anyone thinks about the details?
Maybe (hopefully) people will like that your wedding is different. Our families are from New Orleans, and they’re used to weddings that are very NOLA. While we incorporated some traditions from home, we also showcased the uniqueness of our Rocky Mountain venue and our new home in Colorado. While at first they were like “why are y’all getting married so far away? Why not do it at home?” - once they got up here (those who were able to make it), they understood that we wanted to share our new life with them.
38 days? You and I are both getting married in Seattle on the 8th….. 
what a great date!
I wish I had some words of wisedom for you….oh wait! is there a way you can include this thought in your toast??
When you and the groom your toast….you could thank your parents for “standing back and letting you do this wedding your way” then everyone will know that it was you and not them tee-hee-hee…. that’s the best I could come up with…sorry 
Suck it indeed! Words of wisdom Ms. Joey. I too am wearing a non-traditional wedding dress. Mine is brown. *gasp* And I’ve had more than one person try to persuade me to change my mind. We are doing a low key wedding in Hawaii for the purpose of being able to do things differently. So far those that matter are on board, but some people still have a hard time trying to understand the concept. I say you just have to roll with the punches and keep things exactly how you want. Show people it doesn’t take money or extravagence to have a great wedding.
Unfortunately, I think people will find something to complain about no matter what! I bet if you were spending a lot of money, your more practical family members would cluck about how that money could have been better spent elsewhere…at least if they’re anything like my family, there will be something they can find fault with to talk about in the future.
That being said, I know I have been to both very lavish weddings and very humble weddings, and I’ve found that the ones people talk not so nicely about is not usually because of the elements you can see. It might be subconscious, but I heard people talk way more crap about the lavish wedding that didn’t necessarily have a loving, joyous feel than the small wedding where you could tell the people really loved each other and everyone had a good time. With all the thought you’ve put into it, I’m sure it will be a ton of fun and very reflective of you and your love for each other, and I think that is really what shows most to people–and people will be less likely to complain.
I too am worried about what my family would say, and partly b/c I’m not getting married in a Catholic church. I have never wanted the traditional wedding - so I have a champagne colored dress, pink shoes and no veil…I think it boils down to this is a day you are marrying your twin flame and it should be something you look back on and cherish.
Yes, everyone can suck it. It’s your wedding, and they best shut up!
With all seriousness, I think that weddings should reflect the people being married - and not necessarily try to make everyone happy (which is impossible anyway). As others have said, show them what an awesome wedding yours is, and if they complain, at least hope they’ll have the good graces to wait till the wedding is over - there’s nothing you can do for those people.
But do exactly what you said - fill your venues and locations with love, and who will even have a moment to question you?
I feel you, but from the other side. We have had a lot of pressure to have things “just so”, and while most things I really love, every once in a while I wonder if people with think I am faking it all. Our huge guest list is a lot of my parents friends, and I know my parents had expectations as what kind of party it was going to be considering I am their only daughter. I have just resigned myself to the fact that no matter what I did, I was not going to please everyone. So I’m just trying to do now what is going to make US happy. Maybe a little selfish, but at this point I must do it to maintain any of my remaining sanity!
I guess people are always looking for something to talk about . . . so there will be criticisms nonetheless! I’m glad you’re comfortable with your decisions and that your worries are about your parents–it’s really sweet that you want to protect them. But, really, since they’ve “come around,” I think they’ll do fine. With regard to my plans, I just told my mom that if people complained, she could just blame me!
The foundation of a wedding is love, and material traditions like cathedral-length trains and elaborate floral centerpieces cannot compete with a bride and groom who are head-over-heels crazy about each other. Let your love for Mr. Joey radiate on your special day, and it will become contagious (and maybe rub off on your more cynical guests). Nothing great has ever been done while worrying about what others think. So hold your wedding with confidence, knowing that it is uniquely you and Mr. Joey. Who knows, maybe you’ll start a new family tradition! (Or at least show them that a wedding doesn’t have to be expensive to be a good time!)
Miss Joey we’re in the same boat. I’m wearing a black wedding dress, we’re getting married in the sticks (outside), we’re not doing much traditional stuff: no mention of God in our ceremony, we’re doing a handfasting, and it’s really our wedding. Everything is us and “us” isn’t traditional! I’m VERY worried that people will talk, but I hope that if they don’t like it they keep their mouth shut and see that WE’RE HAPPY and that our wedding screams J & A. Everytime I worry about it I talk to FI and he says what I know deep in my heart “WHO CARES?!?”. If they don’t like it they can leave and if they stay I don’t EVER want to hear about the things they didn’t like. I wouldn’t say anything to anyone about their wedding.
Props to you for making it your own!
You have the best attitude Miss Joey! Your wedding will be bursting with so much love that there will be no room for nasty chatter. People will always find something to talk about, and I hope that it will be how much love was at your wedding, not how many flowers or dresses. Stick to your wedding guns girl, it always helps to have your parents on your side!
uuggh, i hear you on the family gossip. my aunts compare their kids to each other, like school, career. now that we’re all older, of course it’s going to come down to the wedding. i got a pearl ring and my mom was worried about what her sisters would say! it’s annoying, but who cares. they are going to compare about all your future endeavors.
I love that you and your parents have come around to agree so incredibly upon what’s important in your wedding…not the money or the event, but you and the mister.
I understand your concern for your parents. Maybe this problem could best be addressed head-on…sort of.
I recently attended a wedding where the bride and groom got up in the middle of the reception and gave an incredibly heartfelt speech to everyone attending. They thanked all of us who came great distances to witness this event, they thanked their parents and families for teaching them how to love, and all of their friends for the wonderful influences.
Maybe you and Mr. Joey could do something of this sort that would really share your genuine feelings for this wedding…perhaps by making it clear how you couldn’t be happier with this day (through a kind and heartfelt, public acknowledgment of your parents’ efforts and support), your more gossipy guests will be quelled from complaining. I think it would be more difficult for your aunts to nitpick if they know that you couldn’t be happier…maybe not impossible, but at least they would hopefully think twice about it.
I have NO idea where you’re coming from since most of my family members have very simple weddings and only half the family cares about church.
However, I do think you can squash some of the “Why didn’t her parents do something fancy?” by maybe doing a toast to them and making sure to express a lot of gratitude for them letting you have exactly the day you wanted and being willing to let you personalize it the way you wanted… so it’s VERY clear that you and your husband were behind the “alternative” choices and your parents were supportive NOT “cheap”.
I know it’s hard, but I think you have to just forget what others will say. No matter what, there will be someone there who will think something is “not so” or you should have done it this way or that. You are doing what is for YOU TWO and not for anyone else. If they say anything just say you loved the experience and feel it expresses you both as a couple–not the general wedding industy
I worry about this a lot. This is going to sound strange, but because we splurged on the venue, I’m always worried about how the venue manager is going to react to how our wedding turns out in her space because usually weddings there are ridiculously lavish (this is NYC, after all!). It’s not about what other people think, though, and I struggle to remember that every day! WB helps
@lia - I think that’s a great idea. there’s no reason that the Joeys should have to feel like they need to explain things, but maybe it will make them feel better to claim the wedding as exactly what they wanted (knowing that otherwise some might wonder)
Miss Joey — as a Pinay, I totally feel you! Some Filipinas/os, especially our aunties, god love them, always have SOMETHING TO SAY about ANYTHING, and weddings and childraising are two favorite topics. Maybe some of you weddingbee folks have similar things going on in your ethnic communities/families. I can only speak about this unique feature of Filipino American families/communities.
Bottom line, sometimes it seems that our friends and families just LIVE to talk smack and tsismis (gossip). Some Filipinas/os revel in a culture of criticism (especially older Aunties). If you spend too little, they call you cheap. If you spend a lot, they say you are trying to show off. There is always SOMETHING to say about the ceremony (Why not Catholic? Why didn’t she wear a veil covering her face? Why THAT processional song? What, no offering to Mary? etc etc) and ALWAYS something to criticize about the reception (Ay, food was cheap! Too many drunk young people! Cheap hall! Can’t they afford better?).
For those of you not raised Filipino American, it’s very easy to say, “Oh, forget the naysayers, it’s YOUR day!” but it’s a little more complex than that. For many Filipinos, weddings are a family and community celebration and everyone feels some kind of ownership depending on how close they are to the bride and groom. The mixture of family disapproval and peer pressure to do weddings like everyone else in the family can be so intense and make everyone doubt their choices.
As an academic who studies Filipino cultures, I understand it as a feature of our family dynamics that is very deeply rooted in class insecurity, and tied to colonial history. You affirm your own (sometimes tenuous) class position/religious devotion/ethnic pride by critiquing everyone else and finding them deficient. Add to that the dynamic of many of the immigrants in our community using lavish weddings, debuts (18th birthday parties), etc as a signpost of their hard-fought elite/middle class status, and you have a simmering pot of arguing Aunties!
I am having my 400+ guest wedding in a social hall that doubles as a basketball gym. It’s cheap, it’s in a nicely landscaped area, and bottom line, it’s the only venue that will hold 400 and allow me to bring in a Filipino catering company in my mid-size hometown. I know my working class and middle class relatives won’t say anything, but I am already anticipating some smack talking from my wealthier relatives who are coming from the East Coast and Midwest. (”She’s a doctor. Couldn’t she afford something better? Why so cheap?”). I’m also anticipating smack talking from devout Catholics about our non-denominational ceremony.
So Miss Joey, I totally sympathize, and I am so happy your parents are with you on your choices. THAT is the most important thing — that they will not allow themselves to feel down people talk smack, and that they will stand up to whoever dares to voice their disapproval to their faces. I love to see a mean-spirited Auntie get called out!!!
I’m a firm believer in the dynamism of ethnicity and culture. Who knows…if more of our parents do this — stand up to their friends and families about their choices — we can start a new cultural tradition amongst our families to allow CHOICE in our wedding decisions! Wouldn’t you love to hear our aunties criticize a new way by saying, “Oh, the NEW style is doing weddings how you want it — get with the program! Stop the peer pressure!”
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Mrs. Joey, Seattle Age and Occupation: 28, Project Administrator for Public Health NGO Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, High School History Teacher Engagement Date: June 24, 2008 Wedding Date: August 2009 Venue: Eastside Catholic Chapel and Lake Union Cafe About Me: I'm a Seattle girl through and through except for the fact that I don't drink coffee. I love my job most of the time because I get to travel and work with brilliant people who are trying to prevent Malaria. I love DIY projects of all sorts, cooking, and watching sports. I'd wear anything at Anthropologie and could spend all day on Etsy. I love to travel but shouldn't because I always get myself into unbelievable situations!
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