Wedding Blog
I know you’re expecting them:
(source)
Instead, I’ll give you a picture of me and Mr. Swan.
(Here we are moments before getting engaged)
You see, we’re an odd couple. I couldn’t be marrying a man that is more different from me in so many ways. Mr. Swan and I come from such drastically different backgrounds and life experiences that early in our relationship I often wondered if it would really work in the long term. I will admit something to you. In addition to being oblivious that I was even on a date during our first date, I also had pretty much ruled him out as a dating partner without truly getting to know him.
Hear me out, folks. I had been in a few relationships with men that were very different from me (race, nationality, spiritual beliefs, etc.), and they had not worked out. Some because of differences in outlook, and some for other reasons. I know in 2009 we don’t want to talk about these kinds of things, but our cultural and other life experiences do shape us.
In case you’re wondering, here are the ways we’re different:
Miss Swan
Mr. Swan
Plus, we are also an interracial couple, if you haven’t noticed. 
I’m not gonna front, e’erbody. When I first started dating Mr. Swan, I thought, “What the heck am I doing? How is this going to work?” There was times when I wasn’t sure how he would ever fully understand me as a person and really provide some of the emotional support that I needed. It’s bad enough having to deal with the dynamics of being in a relationship with all of our quirks and nuances as people, but then we had to deal with race, cultural, spiritual, class and sometimes political differences.
I also wondered what this meant for me as someone who very much identifies with her racial and cultural background. Would being with Mr. Swan mean that my culture was less important to me than I thought? The outside, world even in the 2000s, is sometimes not the most helpful either as I engaged in my own internal struggles. We do get stared at even in my lovely New York City. I probably would stare at us a little too if I did not know us. Here I am with my long locs in some sort of funky outfit walking next to a very preppy looking blonde guy.
After being together for a while, I was determined to deal with our differences head on, in part because I thoroughly grew to love Mr. Swan and felt in my heart that there was no reason we could NOT be together. We talked and talked and talked and talked some more about our differences. We both know that the only way to be with each other is to acknowledge where we come from and how we’ve grown and not act like our backgrounds and experiences don’t shape how we interact with each other in our relationship. We will still have challenges? Of course we will, but I think that we have come to an understanding about who we are and that our differences can be positive for our relationship and its future. We each will bring something to the table that will only help us grow together.
I’ve also learned through our time together that we have very similar personalities. We’re both sort of slightly high strung (depending on the issue), high-energy types.
Do you and your fiance come from different backgrounds, have different life experiences, or different belief systems? How do you navigate those differences in your relationship?
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Share this post: The Odd Couple
You two are too cute. Its interesting to read the differences between the two of yous. Maybe thats why your sooo good together. “You complete me” thinking of the jerry mcguire scene.
Mr.F and I are different but they are small differences. So we adjusted quite well.
Wow, I could have written this post. Even the “differences” list is very similar to me and Mr. Lab. But ultimately, it was our hidden similarities that brought us together and now that’s what we focus on.
I’m glad you gave Mr. Swan a chance. You two are too cute together and you sound really happy!
Sure. I come from an interracial, religious minority family (and I grew up with that religion being a prominent part of my life) with divorced parents (and divorced grandparents, etc.), and FI grew up in a white Catholic family with parents who are still married (and have been for over 30 years). His parents are more well-off than mine (divorce does that), but not by very much, so at least that wasn’t too different. It doesn’t come up often, but once in awhile we realize that we see (some) things in VERY different ways!
We’re from very similar backgrounds (parents remained married, few siblings, similar working-class upbringing, small town, etc).
I just have to say, OMG you 2 are cute together!
People look at us and think we are the odd couple (he looks about 13 years old, but really is 26, he is black and i am white, we are about the same height, etc) but it’s amazing how alike we are. I know the race difference can be difficult for many people, but I honestly think there are more same-race marriages with people who are much more different than my fiance and I! We grew up in the same town, with the same religious beliefs, our families are very similar culturally, etc etc. But it often takes people a while to figure out how similar we actually are.
Oh and by the way, you two are SUCH a cute couple!!!!
=) I have family friends who are much like you and Mr. Swan — she’s 38, black, came here from Cameroon as a student; he’s 65, white, lived in Canada forever. They are both spiritual Christians, but not really religious. And I grew up knowing them as a couple, and they are absolutely MAGICAL together! I actually wanted to date/marry black/asian/hispanic guys BECAUSE I wanted to be an interracial couple; I wanted to fight the good fight against racism, as it were. In the end, I’m engaged to the whitest whitey of all, and I couldn’t be happier. If you love each other, then that’s what matters, and you may have to work at sorting everything else out, but you WILL be able to sort it out.
As for me and my fiance, we’re both white, and smart, but the similarities end there. He’s working class, I’m upper-middle class (but I dress in sweats and T-shirts and he dresses in dress slacks and shirts). He’s very religious, and I’m an atheist. He loves computers and video games and technology, and I’m an old school girl who takes her notes and draws her graphs by hand, only plays the Wii if her sister begs her to, and doesn’t understand jack about tech stuff. I’m VERY close to my family and friends, and he’s more of a distant sort towards friends, and adamantly dislikes much of his family. He loves shopping, I hate it. Etc. We’ve talked about all this, and decided that it doesn’t come close to mattering to either of us. We loves each other, and wouldn’t have it any other way. =)
My FI and I come from different backgrounds and they sound a lot like yours. I was raised by both my parents, they split up a lot and finally for good when I was 14. I am Puerto Rican. He is a Causasian Mutt (his words because they has a mixture of backgrounds) and his parents got married right before FFIL went away to the army and have been married for over 40 years. We complement each other though - our families absolutely adore each other and I couldn’t be happier! (:
I love the differences - that’s what keeps things interesting! Enjoy it! Thanks for being so open and honest about it.
I’d love a list of what you two have in common as a follow-up!
The differences are great!
One major difference between my FI and I is our family. My family is very warm and nurturing and is flat out cold. My future MIL constantly tells my FI ‘don’t forget who your real family is’, so I pretty much know where I stand. The wonderful thing is that my family has welcomed my FI into our family with open arms. Better one than none!
You two look great. Our families and experiences growing up were very different as well, but we seem to want the same things from life at this point.
I love it! When people are as (seemingly) different, it must be true love! Almost all my friends and myself included are inter-racial. I think where the rubber hits the road, potentially is religion. Miss Lab said it right, it’s the hidden similarities that shine! Yey for yours!
Lookin at Mr. C and I we don’t look like an odd couple, but damn near everything else about us is opposite. Our beliefs, upbringing, family structure, everything. An your right, you have to take these differences head on, or you can never get through them.
On the surface, Mr. Bruschetta and I seem so similar — but we had very different childhoods that continue to shape who we are, and we regularly work through how these differences impact our daily life…and, of course, our wedding plans.
Great post. Gotta tell ya, I am guilty of reacting to you all exactly as you mentioned. Not because your interracial (my parents are) but because of exactly what you mentioned “the style” difference. It was refreshing to read your post.
You’re awesome. Thanks for sharing all your differences and difficukties, and for fighting through them! My hubby and I are as similar as can be - we have the same white middle-class backgrounds, parents who have been married for ages, similar upbringing, views on religion, views on spending money (SO important), similar likes and dislikes generally - no wonder we don’t really ever fight! It takes some guts to fight for your love past all of your differences, plus ignorant outsiders’ comments and stares, so good for you!
OMG, thank you thank you thank you for writing this! Your list of differences between you and your guy could almost be my list, too. And it’s been tough, so it’s really nice to be reminded that working it all out is completely worth it.
I admit that I actually got a book on interracial relationships after being with my sweetie for a few months. Mostly, it was helpful just to be reminded that others go through the same thing, and that most of our difficulties could be overcome by not making assumptions (you know what they say about assumptions 
).
Everything surrounding marriage can be frought with emotion, and add some different-culture-expectations on top of that…yeah, you have to do a lot of explicit talking about what you really want. And it’s a real joy when you find, at the bottom of all that other stuff, your hearts are in the same place.
Also: you two are totally adorable! Thank you for sharing.
thanks for writing this… it hit home for me!
I am an American (really, no other cultural background at all, we’ve been here since the mayflower haha) and he’s a first generation Hindu-American. Sometimes I feel like, since his culture is so rich with tradition and meaning and family, that I have nothing. We are so fundamentally different from each other, but we really complement each other well, but sometimes a huge difference rears its head, and I think, what am I doing?! But I’m glad to know others feel the same
On the surface Mr Frenchie and I appear to be very similar, but we’re actually quite different and come from very different upbringings. My parents are still together and have always been very involved in my life. Where Mr Frenchie’s parents are divorced and since they’ve remarried have been pretty detached from his everyday life. I never thought I’d end up with someone from a divorced family but it works b/c he sees that he never wants to get divorced b/c of what he learned from his parents divorce
You guys are adorable! For what it’s worth, I think it’s awesome that couples like you exist to make things easier on the next generation. Yes you have chosen to be together in a society where not everyone will accept that, but if everyone thought that they shouldn’t try just b/c it would be too hard, then how could we ever make progress as a society?
Mr Peng and I were raised in different places but our families share the same values. I always knew I could never marry outside of my socioeconomic class… I know that must sound shallow but I find it really hard to relate to people much more well off than me (or, well, the opposite). I’ve been in relationships before where we were of different classes, and I felt like it was an exhausting dance of emotions. I applaud you both for seeing past all your differences and being a beautiful couple!
I really loved this post & your picture. I’m plain ole white, while my fiance is a beautiful Japanese man. I love his culture, but I’m a bit disappointed that he’s so freakin’ Americanized that I don’t get to learn as much about his culture as I’d like. Nonetheless, there are differences in our backgrounds that are becoming even more apparent now that we’re engaged. Nothing too major, and most of the time we joke about these things, but it’s good to be aware of behaviors & norms associated with different cultures so you can set expectations and understand them better.
honestly, i stare at any couple out together who look like they are in love, just because i like watching people interact with their other half. that would include you and mr swan, regardless of your ethnicities. so if you catch a random girl staring at you, just assume that it’s me and that i’m admiring how beautiful you guys are when you interact with each other.
as one half of an interracial couple, i do confess that we often take on each other’s personalities, whether we know it or not. we grew up in very different milieus as well, but like mrs peng and her hubby; mrbear and i have similar family and moral values, and that has united us more than any religion or culture has.
awww you guys are cute as pie!! understanding and embracing your differences is what makes you strong. I am so happy that you trusted your heart and knew Mr. Swan was perfect for you no matter how the rest of the world may percieve you. My FI (who is also of a different race as me) balances me in every way possible. I would be so lost without him to ground me and be my perfect compliment.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I can relate to so much of what you wrote, and I agree with you that our society isn’t usually open to talking about these things.
Thank you for the kind words, everyone
@Mrs. Pengy - Thanks for your honesty. I think one of the reasons Mr. Swan and I work is that career-wise we have similar goals and we both have similar education levels. When he was working pretty hard and long hours in his last job, I could completely understand because I was doing the same. I think we support each other a lot in our careers and that’s been something that has brought us together.
We come from VERY different background and are so different in SO many ways. But I think that makes life interesting! We have grown so much with and into each other into a unit. Because we are so different we have learned so much from each other and opened our eyes to each other’s worlds!
Have fun! =D
I married a divorced man with two children - so I’d say, YES, we also have very different life experiences
I also couldn’t be happier! You guys are too cute. You have a very healthy view on your relationship & THAT is what will make it stand the test of time.
great post!
First and foremost - I would like to say thank you for this post. You would think our society would be past seeing differences and realize love has no color, sex, gender, religion…simply stated Love is Love.
My FI and I are an inter-racial couple as well and what we share in common although vastly different keeps us strong. Our families come from small farm towns, his here in the states mine from Puerto Rico, but they both have worked hard for us to have a better life than they had.
Our familes are very religious and it’s something that is very important to us, but once again I’m Catholic he’s AME. We both agree although we may worship differently it’s still the same God.
But I think most importantly we appreciate our families and more so our mothers. His mom raised them as a single mother due to divorce, my mom raised my brother and I b/c my father past when we were young.
Our past and background molds us into who we are today but doesn’t define us. Love is love and I’m so happy with my southern country man and he loves his island girl.
Great post Miss Swan! I believe tackling the differences head on, as you say, is one of the best ways to deepen your connection to your partner. It’s been so rewarding to see how my husband and I have taken on some of each other’s learned behaviours, particularly the nuanced ones related to conflict management, communication and priotizing needs. I can totally relate to the doubts that this person you love will ever truly understand you–I questioned that a lot with my husband. Luckily it was mostly a growing pains phase that made us stronger as a couple
We have a lot in common, but I still know that I married up. WAY up. Right around the same time my dad was trying to sell his tiny house and move into a trailer to save money, his parents bought a second vacation home. There are rare occasions where I need to kind of say, hey, my side can’t afford that (that’s the main reason we didn’t reserve a block of hotel rooms: what my people can afford, his people would have been appalled by), but…it’s very rare. At least in front of me!
Sometimes it is the big differences that make us realize our similarities (like personality/character). Its important but easily overlooked…
You two are adorable. My fiance and I come from pretty different backgrounds, too–I grew up in upper middle class midwest suburbia, and he emigrated from Jamaica as a kid and grew up in Brooklyn and on Long Island. And that’s just the beginning. But, at the same time, we have a lot in common, and that’s what makes it work. After all, love conquers all, right?
Best Wishes!
I’m from a city in the Midwest from a large Irish-Catholic, working class family. My family is really into Democratic politics and many work for the union, either as a union worker or organizer. My parents are from pretty working class roots and although I was raised upper middle class, most of my family is very working class so I did not forget my roots! Our family is also very into social justice. My fiance is from the Society South, from a family that can trace their origins to the time of colonies. He is very blue-blood, well traveled and educated. They are everything my family is not. It was quite an adjustment meeting them, as his mother stands for everything I am opposed to in life and they were rather unwelcoming. My fiance and I did a ton of pre-engagement counseling, both religious, secular and online. Although I do not care for my fiance’s family, they must have done something right in raising him! He is the most caring, compassionate, giving person I know and treats everyone with the utmost respect.
Ok, I’ve only been engaged for about a month and recently found this blog. I’ll admit, I’d peeked at wedding blogs before, but I absolutely could not find ANY blogs that featured black female, white male interracial relationships. I realized this when I started looking for cute cake toppers and was hoping to find shortcuts!
My fiance and I also share other differences aside from race but we’ve been able to overcome them even if others have not. Congrats!
[...] Swan - Well, I’ve talked a little bit about my experiences with Mr. Swan in a past post. I had dated both outside my race and cultural background much more than Mr. Swan had in the past. [...]
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Mrs. Swan, New York City
Age and Occupation: 31, Legislative Representative
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Finance Guy
Engagement Date: August 9, 2008
Wedding Date: August 2009
Venue: Battery Gardens
About Me: I am an un-crafty but resourceful, Caribbean-born but New York-raised woman who's been known to analyze "Dancing with the Stars" and “So You Think You Can Dance”, buy stinky cheese, and use way too many parentheses. I keep lists for fun, am constantly daydreaming of my next international travel adventure (four continents down, three to go), debating sports (let’s Got Mets/Giants!) and dancing around my apartment to stay sane. I am excited to share our wedding planning journey as I hope to plan a streamlined, personal, and fun wedding with the greatest life partner I could ever imagine, Mr. Swan.
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