Wedding Blog
One of the biggest reasons I wanted to blog for Weddingbee was because I see so many bees on the boards writing about all the really tough issues they’re facing as young-ish brides. I say “young-ish” because I’ve always been kind of old for my age, but know that I still have parts of my maturity that correspond perfectly with the date on my birth certificate. Many of the other bloggers here are in their mid-20s, which is still not ancient by any stretch, but I think brides who are in their early 20s face a unique set of challenges that I haven’t seen talked about much on the blog. So here I am, hoping to ease the young-ish brides’ concerns and to let you all know that you’re not alone and you’re definitely not crazy!
At least we’re not that young, right?
I am 22 (although I’m turning the big 2-3 on July 11!), but have the added luck and difficulty of looking like I’m about 16, as you might have noticed from some of my pics. One of the hardest parts of being a young-ish bride that I’ve encountered is the general negativity I get from people I don’t know or barely know when they find out that I’m engaged.
About a third of the time, people are enthusiastic and supportive, and the rest of the time, the conversation goes something like this:
New Person I’m Meeting: So, what did you do this weekend?
Miss Star: Well, I had an audition and then my fiance and I had a picnic in the park, and then –
New Person: —Wait, you have a fiance? You’re engaged??
Miss Star: Yep, guilty as charged.
New Person: Holy cow, how old are you?
Miss Star: 22, going on 23…
New Person: Wow, you’re SO young. I got married at {insert age here} and it was so {insert unpleasant adjective here}.
It got so bad that after about 6 months of being engaged, I would tell people I didn’t know very well about my “boyfriend”, for fear of having someone else play Debbie Downer on my wedding parade. A few months into that, though, and I realized that I shouldn’t have to feel ashamed and went back to standing my ground and talking about my fiance. Now my response to, “How old are you??” is, “Old enough to know bad manners!” It might be a little harsh, but I got so tired of having people I barely knew bringing me down!
One of the most frustrating parts of this is also one of the best parts for my Mr. Star. When he talks about his fiancee and his engagement, he never EVER gets queries about his age! I was so shocked when he told me that a few months ago, because he’s only a year older than I am! I’m really glad that people don’t bug him about it and make him feel bad. But the idea that it’s totally okay for a man to get married young, while a woman marrying young-ish must be desperate and impetuous, really irks me!
I was one of those girls in high school who was bitter at the male race and planned to grow old as a loving cat lady, so the idea that I’m marrying my college sweetheart out of naivete just doesn’t fit. I didn’t try to get married young, I just found the love of my life when I found him! I know there are other bees for whom that’s true, too!
I’m really hoping to write several more posts about the issues that young-ish brides are facing, so please comment and tell me about your experiences and what you’d like to hear about!
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Share this post: Adventures of Young-ish Bride, the First in a Series
I know EXACTLY what that’s like! I’m also 22 (will be 23 this October) and I get the same comments all the time. It doesn’t irk me too much, I just let it roll off my shoulders. I know what I want and I don’t need anyone else’s permission. My family and close friends are all excited about the wedding and that’s all the matters, really. So don’t let anyone rain on your parade!
I love your old enough to know my manners response! I feel super young still, even though I’ll be 25 tomorrow (eeek!) But people still say stuff to me too! I know I look young, I’m reminded everytime I get carded for anything and everything. I guess that’s better then looking old though! 
Thank you! This is why I love weddingbee!!!! I just turned 21, but me and my fiance have been engaged for 6 months already. Our family thought we were too young, so we promised them that we wouldn’t get married until we graduate. So… now we have to wait a couple of years, just to please the “age bar” supposedly placed by our family. So now we also have to plan around getting jobs, graduation, finding a house, and my man going into police academy..!!!.. It can get pretty frustrating. What other unexpected (or expected) events did you run into? I’m trying to plan ahead.
Haha, i get the same (opposite) crap at 30! “well at *your* age…,” “the older you get” blah blah blah! What? do I need a cane and walker down the aisle now?!? I have found that people –strangers especially!– have a fondness for telling you their opinion no matter what…even if you never asked for it!!
You have nothing to be shy about at all! Follow your heart You will be such a wonderful young-ish Mrs.!!
I am 29 and look like I am 22. For real. My husband is 36 and looks it. When he first brought me home, his family thought I was still in high school and acted like I was too young for him. I was 28 at the time. What in the world are people thinking these days?
haha Miss Cloud, I feel you on that one. I get carded for rated R movies. Seriously!!!! At 29 years old!!!!!
I think people are just rude in general. I’m 30 and when they hear that I’m not married yet and that we have been engaged for such a long time I get the “aren’t you getting old?” “shouldn’t you be married already at your age?”
You can’t make anyone happy
Haha Miss Star I’m just a little bit younger than you so I hear ya!!
I’m 23 and only one person has said anything about my age.
I’m so glad you’re blogging about this! My FI and I will both be 21 when we get married next June. We’ve been together since freshman year of high school so it’s interesting to hear ‘It’s about time!” from the people who have known us the whole time and ‘But you’re so young!’ from people who haven’t. We both look older than we are, so I think that helps too. Oh, and it bothers me when people talk about ‘When you know, you know!’ but think that doesn’t apply if you know when you’re young. Whew, I’ll stop. But thanks again for writing about this - I obviously totally get what you’re saying!
I think it really depends on who you are talking to. My parents may think of me as their baby eternally, but a lot of my extended family thinks I’m terribly old to still be unmarried. 
I’ll be 28 when we tie the knot, and they think that’s ancient!
I like what you’re telling them about bad manners. If more people did that, people might stop asking such rude questions as if they are entitled to know the answers!
I’m sorry so many people have been so quick to judge!
There are some people I’ve known who have definitely been ready for marriage at 21, 22, 23+.
Then there are some other people I’ve known who still aren’t ready for marriage. My sister got engaged when she was 20. I would have been happy for her if I had thought the guy was right for her, but he definitely wasn’t (and eventually cheated on her hardcore). I think it’s all about the relationship, which says something about the inner maturity level. My ex, for example, is definitely not ready for marriage. And he’s 30!
I can relate, in a way, because Mr. Bruschetta and I are (technically) high school sweethearts, and sometimes, I get the feeling people are biting back comments about “playing the field” more before settling down. Not really any of their business, but it no longer makes me uncomfortable.
There was nothing young-ish about my age, but I do share a birthday with you!! I wish my next one was “the big 2-3!!”
Like you said, it’s all about meeting the right guy and feeling ready from the inside.
Funny you should post about this. I definitely thought you were too young but I know better than say that to someone I don’t know. I guess people assume that you haven’t “lived life” yet whatever that means.
I’m glad you wrote about this! I turn 23 two weeks after my fiance and I get married and am constantly having complete strangers make awkward comments about my age. I too look like I’m still in high school (even though I just graduated with my masters and am now a child therapist!). I wish people would think a bit before opening their big mouths!
I was 21 when FI popped the big question, and I was still finishing my last semester of college. I’m fortunate that no one has made any rude comments about my young age. I think that has to do with the fact that FI and I have been together for so long (4 years). I am also turning the big 2-3 this year (in Sept)! I just hope they stop carding me at the mall on friday nights (curfew for teens & you have to be 18+ to get in).
Cannot wait for more posts from the Adventures of Young-ish Bride!
The interesting thing for me was the difference between how I was treated down here where I live (in Georgia) and how people acted when I visited my hometown in Maryland. In Tennessee (where my fiance is from) and Georgia, no one has really said anything about my age. I’ll be 22 when we get married (21 now), and my fiance will be 23. After all, all my other friends in Georgia are getting married now, too! When I went up to Maryland for an engagement party, I could tell that people there were.. not necessarily put off by, but wary of being engaged so young. Most of them made comments about how they wouldn’t be ready.. but they were happy for me. So far my parents are the only one who explicitly said something about it, but they were married at 22/23 as well.. so they don’t have much ground to stand on there
Oh girl, I’m right there with you! My favorite comment was from a woman with a daughter younger than me with a baby. Her 19 year old daughter was old enough to be a mother, but me, at 22, not old enough to be engaged. I was 23 on our big day, and my lovely hubby is 22.
On the flip side, my grandparents got married when they were 18 and 19 (thanks to my grandfather going into the military). They will celebrate their 57th anniversary on Friday. They have a wall hanging in their house that says “young marriage, long love.” That’s us!
Miss Star, I hear ya. Im 23, and got engaged at 22(barely), so I hear that alot, especially when people hear that we want children pretty quickly after we get married. I may only be 23, but I feel as though im 30! I have my degree, my job, working on our house, all is good! I can get married young if I want to…
Miss Cloud, I can top you, I get carded for buying sharpies and cough medicine!
*Gulp*, ok, here goes…I’ll be getting married a few days before I turn 21! That’s right, I’ll only be *twenty*. My fiance will be 22. Fortunately, anyone who’s scoffed at the age has generally hushed when I’ve told them we’ll both be college graduates, and that I’ll actually have graduated the semester prior (and that I managed to get my 4 year degree in 2 1/2!). I’m actually thankful to be getting married at a young age. I know we both have some growing up to do, but I like that we’ll have the opportunity to do that together. We’ll have been through some real ups and downs, significant difficulties, and will have over 4 years behind us as we walk down the aisle.
*Sigh* ok, time to stop defending myself
My husband and I had totally different experiences- He was 28 at the time, while I was only 23. We also had to deal with comments about why we were rushing down the aisle (we had been living together for three years), we were both joining the military and needed to make it official by December (got engaged in March, Married in August, in the military by December)
@June Bug: Yes! Time to stop defending yourself! People who judge your age don’t deserve to hear your rationale.
I understand! I’m not that young (25), but I’m the first in my group of friends to get married and I get comments like that all of the time. I really didn’t plan on getting married until I was in my 30s but, well, like you said - I met the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, why should I wait to please someone else?
I’m glad you posted about this too! I will be 28 when I get married, but I almost married my college boyfriend - we would have been 23. Right now, I am (obviously) so glad I didn’t and one of the reasons is that I’ve changed so much since then as a person so it’s a better situation now that I’m older. I think that’s how a lot of other people feel too, but why does that give us the right to judge others? It absolutely doesn’t!
I also like your response to people when they ask how old you are after finding out you’re engaged. Miss Manners actually posted an article about this very issue and her advice was to say “Old enough to be married”. Good for you!
Thank you SO MUCH for bring this up. I’m not that young (24?) but i get the SAME comments! I do look like a teen still so I totally understand how you feel
I even had a photographer do this to me… every other sentance was “Wow i can’t believe how young you are”… yes - in between his photography package pitch. Needless to say, we did NOT book him.
It gets even more frustrating when people oooh and aaah at my age and then bring up how naive they were in their “first marriage” … how rude!
I do notice that the majority of people making these types of comments are either sleezy married men or bitter single/divorced women. Go figure… Misery loves company
I’m always amused by the commentary people think it’s appropriate to ‘contribute’ (sarcastic air quotes) to other people’s love lives. My husband and I met at ages 19 and 18, and got married at 26 and 25 (respectively). We received priceless wisdom ranging from ‘play the field!’ to ‘when when when will you get married?!’ for years. In the end, you decide what and when in your relationship, and everyone else can suck it :-).
When you know, you know.
At least you’re young enough that (hopefully) they aren’t asking you the baby question yet!!!
Thank you so much for posting this! I’m 21 (will be 22 when I get married) and I am SO SICK of hearing people tell me I’m too young, and it’ll never work out. HOW RUDE! We’re young, energetic, in love, and HAPPY - why can’t people just be happy for us?? ….Funny thing is, the only people who were genuinely happy for me when I got engaged was my grandparents (my Mom’s parents). They were so excited, and ready to talk wedding plans before we had even set a date! But of course, they met at 14, and have been married over 50 years now. Sometimes it does work out people!
No more being embarrassed to say you’re engaged - if people want to be all negative pants, that’s their problem, not ours!
@Miss Bruschetta: Oh man, I can tell people hold back the same comments for me and Mr. Spin! I didn’t date in high school and only went on a couple dates as a freshman in college. Mr. Spin was my first real boyfriend and I was his first actual girlfriend (sophomores in college). Some people think it’s cute, some get a funny look on their faces. ^_^ I like what my sister says, though: Some people have to look a long time and at a lot of people to find the one (and there’s nothing wrong with that), we just happened to find each other right away.
We got engaged at 23, will be married at 24. Here in Nebraska, that’s pretty average, but it’s a fact that people can’t keep their crazy opinions to themselves pretty much anywhere you go. ^_^
Oh and a great comeback i use when I comments about people’s “first marriages” and so on is that my parents got married when they were 19 and have been married for 33 years! To them, we’re old and it’s about time hahaa
Thank you for addressing this! I am the same age and my fiance is only a year older than me too! And I know how it feels. I mostly got the “You’re too young” comments from my mom’s friends.
I mean, one of them even had a conversation with me that went: How are you Leen? - I’m doing good! - Don’t get married so soon okay? - end of conversation
That was the rudest thing ever! And my mom wants me to invite her!! Ugh. I might just lose her invitation in the mail.
“I didn’t try to get married young, I just found the love of my life when I found him!” - That’s what I’ve told the people!! I wasn’t planning to marry till I was in my late 20’s but nothing in life every happens as planned right?
I guess I got it both ways. I’m 28 now, and remember clearly going home for Christmas when I was 25 and getting into a fight with my mother over the appropriate age to marry was. She clearly didn’t think I was old enough to get married at that age. Then, I swear the next year, she had completely flipped, “Why aren’t you married yet? I want grandchildren!”. Seriously, Miss Star, you can’t please everyone, so just ignore them.
I’m 23, and I get carded for “R” movies too. I know my 31 year old FI is sick of whipping out his ID for alcohol just because I have to do it. I get the same comments from new people, too. And when they find out how old my FI is, they automatically assume he’s been married before and has kids. Talk about rude!
I am so happy you are here Miss Star! I am 21 and so is my fiance. He is really tall but I am short and youthful-looking. So I get most of the “how old are you?!” questions. 
The worst is when people are shocked that we *just* graduated from university, and they equate just graduating with “has no money and no job”, when that is not true for everyone! Like you, I also went into a phase where I called my fiance “boyfriend” in front of people I didn’t know, because I didn’t want to face the negativity. But I am now proudly calling him “fiance” all the time!
@Miss Bruschetta: The same thing happened to me too! We are high school sweethearts and when new people find that out you can see the shocked look on their faces. I can’t stand negative people!
I agree, people who don’t know you shouldn’t be commenting on anything about you, much less your marital status. But I think its important to remember that “advice” is a form of nostalgia. It might not be presented in a pretty package with a bow on it, but it usually is someone’s way of trying to get you to not make the same mistakes they did. NOW… that being said, I’m 26 (27 in a few weeks) and I’m getting married in April! YAY! I look about 16 (maybe younger!) and I HATE HATE HATE it when people don’t realize I’m the bride. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve gone to look at dresses etc and someone has gone “OH! Who’s the bride?” And then when I say “I am!” They say, “Oh wow, you’re young” And I’ll say “Well, I’m 26″ and they say “OH well you look really young!” WOWO!!! SHOCKER!!! As if I didn’t know that…. I think I’m going to start telling them “Well, at least I don’t look old… like some people here”. And I’m not that young, I’m closer to 30 than I am to 20, and its really none of their business anyways! Anyways, so I guess I can see both sides of this, but its no one’s business anyways! Whatever happened to “Its rude to ask a lady her age”
When my finance and I were at our tasting a member of the wait staff actually came out and asked us how old we were. She said everyone in the kitchen was betting on our ages because we “look 19.” We’re 24!
I’m looking forward to being the 50 year old who looks like she’s 30.
It’s totally rude–and totally common. However, I don’t think Mr. Star’s experience should be taken as standard. I have known a few guys who got married before 25 and they definately got a lot of social pressure not to be “tied down” so early in life. I don’t think this is a gender thing because there are different pressures on either side of the divide. Although I have passed judgement on other people’s decisions to become engaged in the past, I haven’t ever shared that with them directly! So inappropriate.
Wow, yes I did just type “finance” instead of fiance.
What suprised me more than the “you’re so young” comments (I’ll be 23 and 11 months when we get marred August 
is the reactions of my friends. Some of my female friends feel the need to criticize my choice, are angry and sad about our decisison to “marry young” and EVERYONE seems to think they have to justify why it’s right to wait. I almost had to remove a girl from the bridal party because she was having trouble “processing her feelings” about my getting married - making comments like “it’s not too late to back out” and “I knew this would happen” every time i got emotional or frusterated with the FH or a wedding planning aspect — when it comes to wedding planning, challenges are a normal part of the process!
haha a lot of my friends told me that my getting married scared them. like they should be thinking about it soon too. the problem is we’re both 22! calm down!
Thank you Thank You THANK YOU!
I get the funniest looks from people when I talk about weddings. Loverboy and I aren’t even engaged yet though we’ve talked about it and other people are like “you’re young, you have your whole life to live.” What if I want to live my life with him?
The best, I swear, is my Grandmother, who constantly tells me to “finish your education, get a good job that pays well, so you don’t have to depend on a man,” while loverboy is visiting. Cute. Really cute.
Being 22 and even thinking about engagement is tough - Loverboy wants to be engaged by this time next year, I’ll be juuuuuust 23 and he’ll be 22 so I’m not looking forward to it. At all. Just the snide comments.
Good response to people and definitely keep up the blogging for young-ish brides! Oh, and happy early birthday(it’s also one of my dearest friend’s birthday that day)!
I’m 19 and my other half is 21. I will turn 20 and he will turn 22 just after we tie the knot! I have defended myself too much at this point. We’ve been enganged/living together for just over a year and have been dating for 5 years. Our families and friends are very supportive and we are blessed to have that.
In the beginning other peoples responses really ticked me off, but eventually you just learn to ignore it. One woman apologized to me when I told her I was enganged. “Huh?” I said, her response was “I’m sorry your pregnant at such a young age.” HELLO?! What is wrong with people! And I am not pregnant, but my mom was when she married my father. They’ve been happily married for 19 years now and are in their late 30’s.
Meeting with vendors has been hard for us. Not only are we YOUNG but we look YOUNGER. So we got a lot of vendors in the planning process that really didn’t give us the the time of day. They would make remarks about serving sparkling cider or how their kids are older that us and they arn’t even ready to get married. We meet with numerous until we finally found the perfect ones. I am spending just as much as an ‘older’ couple but I feel that vendors are hestitant to go into contract with ‘young’ couples because they feel they may cancel on them. It was frustrating and hurtful but you just have to move on to the next person. Like I said before we booked with some really great people/locations/ect., but it was a struggle to find them.
We have everything book and ready to go! Five more months!
Having a young face can be hard. I worked at a Middle school last year and taught a 6th grade class. Some times people would walk into my room and ask, “who’s the adult here?” UUmmm… hello? There’s no way I look like a 12 year old at 23. I do look young but to older people it can be hard for them to discern age. With teens looking/dressing older. I’m off to high school next year. You can only imagine how well that’s going to go…
My mom say’s it’s a blessing that I look so young and that finding my Mr. BW young is also. There’s no doubt that he’s the one, so I don’t see the point in not getting married young and starting to build a life together.
ha, i have the problem that i’m not engaged or married (helping my sister plan), but i’ve been dating the same guy for a 4 years, so whenever i’m at a wedding or some kind of wedding related event i get asked “so when are you and bf getting married?” i’m only 22 so i usually say, i’m too young and dont wanna get married. i dont see how anyone has any right questioning what going on inside your relationship. we’ll move on when were ready to.
I got married two months before my 22 bday. My husband is a year older but he looks a little older. I still get comments that I’m too young (we’ve been married 3 years now) but thankfully that’s less and less. I still get carded too but he never does!
You know I was in NY a few months after we got married and I got all sorts of comments and people asking how old I was and that I had gotten married too young. It made me laugh. Strangers that thought they knew me!
I live in KS so it seems like many people get married in their early 20’s though. But I won’t lie, when I see other girls getting married at barely 18 I cringe a little. I don’t say anything, it none of my business. But I do hope that it works out.
Well at 24 (will be 25 in November) I haven’t gotten but maybe 2-3 “how old are you” questions. So I can’t really relate with the age question. However, I have had numerous people who do not know me well tell me to “be careful” and make sure I “know what I’m doing” and “make sure you really know him”. These comments seem to come from people (of all ages) who have been divorced, are going through a divorce or are thinking about a getting divorce. In the beginning, it really bothered me and I was more cautious about who I told I was engaged. But now I just shrug it off as them being bitter that their marriage didn’t last or that they think it’s not lasting.
First off, super-cool that you’re blogging about this. I’m of the general mindset that people who want to judge you based on things like how old you are when you get married need to mind their own business. I especially can’t believe people that you barely know feel the need to throw in their two cents!
I don’t think age is the relevant factor here. It’s maturity and the strength of your relationship. Obviously you and Mr. Cloud are the only ones who can judge these things!
THANK YOU! I’m 21, will be 22 and just graduated college, and FH is 23. I actually get those comments more from people my age than jaded older people. They don’t say it rudely, but they all seem so surprised that I would want to “settle down” so young. To me, youth isn’t about dating around! While my relationship is solid and mature, we are definitely still young and marriage won’t make us “grow up too fast” - I act like a little kid around my FH!
It’s just so nice to hear from someone who knows what I’m going through. Even on supportive Weddingbee, there can be a little negativity towards young brides, especially those of us who have been in shorter relationships rather than together since we were 16. But like Miss Mary Jane said, when you know, you know. I am just happy for all bees, no matter what age or what kind of relationship, that they have found someone they love!
I’m 24 and getting married shortly, and look my age, and I was anticipating the kind of comments you’re getting… but I really haven’t gotten them. And I live in a major city where it’s not common to get married at 24. Go figure. People are more polite than I expected!
I’m assuming that most of the people making the comments are older and their reactions are a mix of the following:
(1) They’re jealous that younger than you. Seriously!
(2) Single women are generally jealous of engaged women. Not necessarily married women, just engaged women because they’re having all the fun of planning a wedding.
(3) They understand that people change as they get older. It’s true for everyone but especially so in your early 20’s. I’m only 26 but I feel like I’ve changed entirely since I graduated college. Part of this is due to just this is the first chance you get to see the world as it is, outside of your parents, outside of the protective world of college. People change as they get older - couples change. It’s a fact of life but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll change in different directions. It just means he won’t stay the person you love right this moment and you won’t stay the same either. But I think for couples that last, they love their FI all the more through all those changes.
I just want to say that not all those people are expressing doubts because they don’t think your love is ingenuine or untrue - it’s just they realize that life and love are complicated things and it doesn’t always go as planned. They also associate age with being ready for marriage - sometimes some people ARE ready for it at a younger age.
I am so glad you wrote about this! I am almost exactly one year older than you (I will be 24 July 13th!) The problem I have come across as a young bride is being the first of our group of tight knit friends to get married! No one really knows what they are doing, and I know my MOH is going to need ALOT of help. But I don’t mind going first!
Thank you! At 23 I am the first of all my friends (and my three older brothers are still bachelors) to get married. I hate telling people im engaged because elder adults think I am naive while my peers think I am some third eyed monster that will immediately shun drinking, and staying out past 10pm.
I would like to give kudos to all of those young ladies out there who are getting married…and no that doesnt neccesarily mean a white picket fence and an apron!
What a great topic to post about! I am 27 but have been dating my fiance for almost 9 years, probably in part to avoid getting married at a young enough age for people to call us young and dumb. I know the criticism all too well, and applaud your ability to handle the judgement with grace and maturity. I love the tip about “old enough to know my manners!” I will be using that one! Best Wishes to you!
Where I live, in Southern Wyoming, near the Colorado border, it seems that EVERYONE gets married around 22 or 23, and a lot even younger than that! So it’s not odd to hear about 18 and 19 year olds getting married. So while people aren’t so quick to be open about their disagreement with your union, they nay-say behind your back. Which, in my opinion, is worse. At least give me the chance to give you the what-for. Sheesh.
I’m 22, but I’ll be 23 when I get married, and I’ve been lucky to have a very supportive experience so far. But who knows what they’re REALLY thinking…
Oh, and I ALSO am blessed/cursed with looking about 5 years younger than I actually am!
It’s so weird to me, because until I came onto the Weddingbee boards, I had no idea that people considered getting married from 22-24 to be young. In the small town that I’m from, that’s the norm.
I’ve said it before on the boards but I’ll say it again. I think that when people find out you’re getting married at 21, 22, 23, whatever, they think about how immature they were at that age - but everyone’s different. Everyone matures at a different pace. Some people are just old souls. Like Miss Star, I feel like one of those people.
Miss Star thank you so much for addressing this issue! I’m so grateful to know that someone else get irritated about this as well. I’m also 22 going on 23 (July 31). While no one who knows me has ever sai anything, I’ve had a few people give me the evil eye or say something similar, now I have a great response for those rude people. I look forward to more blogs on these issues!
@Wouldntitbenice: I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with bridesmaids not being supportive, that must be so hard. I’ve been lucky enough to always be supported by my ladies, at least, but not by everyone in my life, so I feel you!
Miss Star! Yes! I totally felt that way when I was engaged! I was 23 when i got married and (I still looked like a teenager). People just didn’t get it.
Actually, even after I was married for a couple of years, strangers were surprised that I was already married. Only after I was about 26 was when people were more accepting of my married status. I just wanted to warn you that it the stranger judgment doesn’t go away instantly.
This post is so true! I got engaged a little after my 24th birthday. I actually didn’t tell many people other than my family and close friends.
When I did, I got a lot of comments about being young, divorce, and general male bashing related to me being too young to wed, regardless of the fact that my fiance and I had already been i na committed 5 year relationship in which we lived together for 3 years.
I think the response to age also varies depending on region. In college, quite a few of my friends were engaged (2 years after graduation exactly 50% of my all female department is married or engaged), it was pretty normal to be 21-24 and engaged, I actually felt like my fi and I had waited a while compared to my friends at school. We didn’t get engaged until after we moved home, where I felt like we were sooo young because thats how others percieved our relationship and engagement. People were a little negative so I stopped telling people. Weddingbee has actually been the best place to come and talk weddings because I can’t do in certain aspects of my everyday life in a positive way.
I can’t wait to see the other posts on this subject!
You’re definitely not alone. I’m 22 (turning 23 on July 22) and also tend to look younger than my age. Plus, my FI is 30 and probably looks a bit older than his age. We must look odd next to each other to people who don’t know us. But I’ve always been more mature than my age, and I relate better to people who are older than to people my own age.
My parents got married at 19 (a thought that completely horrifies me — I could not have imagined even thinking about marriage four years ago), and although they had their rough patches, they are still together 36 years later.
I know how you feel, I got engaged just after my 24th birthday and I still get those comments. Especially since my FI and I started dating in high school…and like you it wasn’t planned to happen that way but it did and age is such relative thing.
Wow. That sounds exactly like me. I’m 19 (will be marrying when I’m 22), and I look like I’m 16; I planned to grow old alone and now I’m marrying young…. But my fiance has gotten the “bwuh?!” reaction as well, even though he LOOKS older (he’s 18 and looks at least 21). Sometimes we feel awkward telling people, too. =)
And yet…I’m so incredibly happy that it worked out the way it did.
I was 19 when I got married (It’s our 1 year next weekend!) And I had a lot of people make nasty comments to me. It finally got to the point where when someone would say something I’d say “Well I guess it’s my mistake to make isn’t it?” Yes we’re young but we love each other and I’m sure we will change as people but I know more people who got married later in life and have gotten divorced than I know of people who were my age when they got married!
I know what it feels like to look a lot younger than I am as well. I’m 28, and I went shopping with a BM to find her dress (she is my age but also looks young). As she was trying one on, some other bride in the shop asked if the dress was for prom! You just have to keep remembering that in 10 years, we’ll be glad to look younger than we are.
People’s view of the “appropriate” age to get marriage is very geographically and culturally defined. I am 24, my boyfriend is 27, and we live in a rural town in Virginia and treated like I am an old maid. Every single party I go to, someone asks, “So, Bluebird, when are *you* guys going to get married and have kids?” This doesn’t happen to Boyfriend Bluebird. It’s like the opposite of you and Mr. Star’s experience!
When you’re ready, you’re ready. It doesn’t matter what other people’s standards are.
You and I are soul mates. I’m 23 and look like I’m 16 too. I just got my new license for TN (I moved) and the man asked me if I was there for my permit. Permit?!? Are you serious?
ok, ditto on what pretty much what everyone else said! I’m 20 (I look… 15?), FI is 21, we’ll be 21/22 when we get married. We’re both VERY independent (especially financially) so that will help, but we’re not living together before marriage, which many people think is a big no-no! I’m from a VERY liberal section of the Northeast, and MANY people in my extended family are bitterly divorced. The looks and comments I’ve received!! I normally just TRY to take it with a smile and say, well, we’re very excited to start our lives together. Sometimes I mention, also, that until 20 years ago, 20 was the average age for girls to get married.
VERY much looking forward to age-related posts!
I am 23 but also look rather young for my age.
I do not feel that I am that young to be getting married. Younger than average? I suppose. Too young? Not at all. I also referred to FI as my boyfriend to avoid inquiries, but in less than 6 weeks I will call him my husband!
I also went through high school and most of college thinking I would would be single for a long time. I wouldn’t say meeting FI was love at first sight, but when I first met him a year and a half ago, I knew things were going to change.
I get the comments too. “Oh you’re soooooooo young! I was ‘insert age here’ when I got married and that didn’t work out, be careful!”
You know what is right for you, so go for it!
I’m 23, but I find it incredibly immature when people say they are __ going on __. If you are 22 years old, what other age would you be turning?
@Heather: I usually agree, but I’ve felt like I had to justify being old enough, which is why I feel it necessary to mention that I’m going to be 23 when we get married.
My sister got engaged when she was 20. I was 25 at the time, not dating anyone, and quite frankly I was shocked. She was so young! She’d only been dating the guy for a year! I freaked out and kept asking if she was sure. The next day, I realized that all I should have said was congratulations. I immediately called her back and apologized for my reaction.
I think it shocked me when she got engaged “so young” mainly because it was different than my own experience, and different from my own expectations for myself. Of course none of that should have mattered, because it was HER life, not mine!
I was her maid of honor and they’ve now been married 4 years. And she was my matron of honor a month ago when I finally got married at the “ripe old age” of 31.
Only you know what’s right for you.
I’m also a very young looking 23 (I’m about 3 weeks older than you!) and I’ve gotten a lot of “HOW OLD ARE YOU??” comments about my impending marriage. Luckily, I look so young that telling them my age shocks them out of any more questions about my engagement.
@Miss Mary Jane: sadly, it doesn’t always stop them! my husband and i were 21 when we got married last year, and many people, particularly our coworkers, chastised us for getting “tied down” so young, and how could we possibly be ready, etc etc.
but now that we’re married, and especially since it’s been a year already, the same people want to know when the kids are coming!! what a switch.
Someone will ALWAYS think you’re too young! This obviously isn’t the same, but when I told my parents we got engaged, the first thing my mom said is, “arent you guys kind of young?” I said… “What? Mr. Peng is turning 30 next year!” We were NOT young But you’re always a baby in someone’s eyes!
@Pengs: At almost 30?!? Crazy. That makes me feel better lol.
Miss Star, thank you SO much for this post! I turn 23 two days after you do, and it’s great to know there is someone else facing the same young-bride challenges. My fiance and I planned a two-year engagement (we got engaged in October of 2007) to avoid the inevitable eyebrow raises, but we still get them. I also feel like I get the cold shoulder from some vendors, because they see a young bride and assume I’m not able to pay for their services. Stay strong, remember that everyone who really knows the two of you knows you’re ready to become husband and wife. The others don’t matter.
Wow Miss Star, I am only three days older than you And am getting married in a month, but did not experience anybody telling me that I am too young. Now that I am thinking about it, it is probably because I did not have to tell about it to anyone, who is much older than me or is married. I like you response to the rude inquirers 
I just wrote a post about this on my own blog! I’m 21 and when I tell people I’m getting married, I often get a funny look and two have asked me if I’m Mormon, as though I need conservative religious beliefs to marry young. It really irritates me!
Ugh i totally know how you feel! I’m 21 and my fiance is 22, although we will be 22 and 23 on the date but i hear it from everyone, my friends, my aunts and uncles and cousins, and freaking strangers. it drives me CRAZY!!! They say, but you havent had enough experience. excuse me, but how do you know how many people i’ve dated or *cough* played twister with. I’m so sick of the judgmental attitudes and negativity that sometimes surrounds our wedding. I’m with the love of my life, and that’s it, end of story.
Miss Star, thanks for writing this! I look forward to hearing more from you. I’m sorry you–and apparently so many others!–have had this experience because I think you’re doing a good thing. No, seriously–most of my friends and family married in their early 20s. While they have had their ups and downs (who doesn’t?), almost all of them are still together after over a decade, and the better for it. (The ones who aren’t–well, being older wouldn’t have changed things.) So, congratulations and I am very much impressed with you and your fiance for making this decision (and being a little counter-cultural with it!).
Oh goodness, this post is refreshing. I’m 20 going on 35, it seems. I get the same responses. They bugged the heck out of me for the first few months, and I was also hesitant to use the term “fiance.” The rude comments I receive are further colored by the fact that my fiance is 28, a full eight years my senior. I’ve learned to roll with the punches and I usually just respond with, “Yup! I’m only twenty!” and a big smile. I have no need to feel ashamed.
I also planned to marry late, if ever. I figured my late twenties or early thirties would be ideal. I happened to meet the man of my dreams when I was the tender age of 18, and I have no regrets about that. While I look my age, he figured I was older - well within my twenties - based on my maturity when he first asked me on a date. I knew he was at least in his mid-twenties and was shocked and delighted that a man of an age and maturity-level I find attractive was interested in me. I had assumed that I would have to wait until I was in my mid- or late-twenties myself to snag such a fellow, but I lucked out early.
We’ve been living together for about a year and a half now, and our relationship just grows better and stronger everyday. In many ways, I feel our relationship is more mature than those of many I know who are marrying in their mid-twenties or later.
Miss Star my parents got married at your age and they been together for 30+ years I’m always jealous of couples that found each other when they were younger b/c they get to spend more time together in the long run (theorectically). I know I’m not old by any means, but I am still a little jealous
@iviary:
I should add that I think most people who pass judgment on my age are thinking back to the people they were at my age. I don’t think 20 is a wise age for the majority of people to marry, and there are many people who would not be ready at 25, or even 30. 20 is right for me, and while on some level I appreciate people looking out for me, they should remember that my 20 is not their 20, no matter how wise they may be at whatever age they’ve reached.
I’m also 22 (will be 24 when we get married due to a long engagement). I graduated last year and have a good career. I’ve actually never had anyone say that I’m too young to get married - actually the opposite. Where I work, most people are much older than me, and accidently refer to my fiance as my husband. Before we got engaged I was embaressed to use the term ‘boyfriend’ because it didn’t sound serious enough. I guess it all depends on what stage of life you’re in. I think for many people, getting married while you’re still in college is ‘too young’.
Most of the negative comments that I get revolve around the fact that we’ll have been engaged for a little over 2 years by the time of our wedding. A lot of my fiance’s friends as well as many people my age from my hometown are getting married before me.
Yeah, I totally know what you mean Miss Star. I’ve had so many people tell me we need to make sure we get marriage counseling or else we probably won’t make it since everyone gets divorced. !?! I don’t get it. And my fiance has never been told anything like that when he has mentioned his is engaged. I feel like instead of being happy for us, a lot of people are holding their breath just because we are young. It’s weird. What happened to romance?
I have the worst comment ever - and I’m a grand old 24 (25 when I get married later this year).
Person X: “Are you pregnant? Because you two haven’t been together for very long to get married.”
Me: “What? No! I’m not pregnant. And we’ll have been together 2.5 years when we tie the knot. We just feel it’s the right time to get married.”
X: “Oh well, it’s a good thing you’re still young. That way if this doesn’t work out, you’ll be young enough to find another husband after the divorce.”
Me: *jawdrop* *stunned silence*
And I couldn’t even think of anything to say right back.
AMEN GIRL i got married last month and my hubby and i are both 21 and people (even strangers) treat us like we’re crazy.. we went to go get a kitty the other day and they actually told us they were put off by how young we are!!! ugh i wish you were a bee blogger last year when i was planning, still.. but i’m glad your on here.. you know whats right for you and thats all that matters, dont forget it.
@JuneBug - although I feel your need to defend yourself, who’s to say that us 20 year olds are less ready for marriage than 21, 22, or 23 year olds? My SO and I have been together for 4+ years, which is longer timeline than a lot of people have for meeting, dating, getting engaged, and getting married!
What a great issue to discuss! I haven’t had any negative age-related comments from other people, but at 23, I have beat myself up some for getting married so young. I really didn’t picture being married before 30. I was also that girl in high school that was never going to fall in love, and lots of people I knew then were shocked to find out I had (this is where most of the neg comments come in for me)! I have definitely played the field, and I thought that was the life I wanted for another decade or so, but like you said, the right guy showed up, and there is absolutely no reason to wait once you figure that out.
I think an important issue to discuss in this series is the very real possibility that young couples WILL change. We don’t like to admit it when we’re young and in love, but where do you all think those “bitter divorcées” are coming from? They obviously also were young and in love once, and they want to warn you even though it is totally none of their business. I understand, because when I hear people in their late teens discussing marriage, I have to hold my tongue to keep from saying anything snarky. I just think back to the kinds of guys I liked at their age… marrying them would have been disastrous.
“I didn’t try to get married young, I just found the love of my life when I found him!” - EXACTLY! I’m marrying my high school sweetheart, and we’ll both be 23 by that time. Sometimes I think people are just a tad bit jealous that we got lucky early ;P
[...] Adventures of a Young-ish Bride, the First in the Series by Miss Star [...]
Thank you for writing about this! I think there’s a double standard when it comes to marriage. When a woman marries at 35, we’re supposed to be relieved that she finally found someone worth marrying. When I married at 23, people assumed it was because I was unexpectedly pregnant. Or that I had rushed into a stupid decision. I kept hearing, “if you’re serious about the commitment, the relationship will still be there in five years.” But would they say that to the 35-year-old?
I had a coworker tell me how difficult it had been to be the last of her friends to get married, in her early 30’s… and when I mentioned that it was also hard to be among the first, the conversation ended pretty abruptly. A lot of my college friends were not negative about my engagement, but it was obvious that they didn’t understand why I would want to be married so young. They were not negative, but they were pretty silent about the whole thing, which was almost as bad.
I decided to marry my husband because I knew that I would never find anyone more worthwhile to marry, in the best of senses. I am glad that we “rushed” into it, because three months later I was in a bad car accident and racked up $35,000 in hospital bills… and my husband’s insurance would not have covered any of it if we hadn’t married when we did. So I like to think that the universe agrees that we took things at our own, perfectly acceptable pace.
Thanks for writing this post Miss Star! Especially after a few of the board posts recently. When we get married I’ll be going on 23 and my fiance will be 25. However, we’ll have had a long engagement, and I was 21 when we got engaged. I don’t hear a ton directed towards me, which is a relief. However some of my friends actually made comments to another young couple who got married last year. For whatever reason, they haven’t directed their questions towards us!
I do feel you on looking younger than you actually are though! I have freckles on my face and arms. When talking about classes (college) I’ve had people assume I meant high school!
Ill be 19 when I get married and I get comments from people all the time. I hate it. There are so many worse things you can do. People dont care about how well you know each other or that you’ve been friends since you were 3. All they see is the age. Its annoying.
I know the feelings Bees!
I am 22 and so is my fiance’ though we will both be 23 (he will be almost 24) when we get married. Also, I have the added “oh, wow…” fact that we got engaged quickly, after just 6 months!
Star Star Star - thank you so much for blogging about this!!
I don’t know what it is about the early 20s, but people are so quick to judge. I was engaged at 21 and am just turned 22. Originally we were getting married weeks before the big 23, but now it’ll be just before the big 2-4. For some reason, now people think its “okay” because I’ll be 24? How is that okay, but not 23?
And as far as being 22 right now, I love my fiance and I can’t wait to marry him. We’ve been dating for four years. . . The night I met him, I knew we get married and same goes for four years later. Not to mention we’ll both have degrees. But people seem to care too much about age as a number, instead of our accomplishments.
Young doesn’t equal stupid.
I like to think of it like this “we can grow up and grow old together” and in the wise words of When Harry Met Sally “When you meet the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now”
thanks for reminding us young brides to keep our chins up :).
I’m 21 and my FI is 26 and we’re about to get married. I wear an engagement ring but when I’m talking about him either call him my ‘bloke’ or call him by his name as I hate the comments I get by people about my age, and feel defensive about it. I will not be changing my name and will be officially called ‘Ms’, as I am at the moment anyway. No one has asked me if I’m pregnant but my friends are convinced that I’ll be pregnant within a year or two. I wish society didn’t make me feel embarrassed about wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone.
I confess, I am one of those people who kind of cringes (but only on the inside!) when I hear about “youngish” people getting married.
I just know that at 20, 21, 22, etc., in retrospect I was NOT ready, and thinking back upon those fellas I once considered marriage material….well, let’s just say I’m glad I waited.
Add to that the fact that all of my friends who got married that young wound up at the attorney’s office within a few years. Sad.
BUT……………
I also realize that my situaiton is not the same as anyone else’s. And some people truly are old souls. And that is precisely why I zip my lip and smile and congratulate young brides. Eventhough I know it wasn’t the right choice for me, or as it turned out, for my friends, it just might be the right choice for this young bride-to-be that I’ve just met.
Everyone’s situation is unique and I do think its unfair for people to ‘judge a book by it’s cover’.
WOW! Thank you for blogging about this. It feels great to know that there are so many people that understand.
At work people are entirely too quick to tell me that I’m crazy for getting married so young (I’m 23). It got to the point that I stopped talking about my relationship at all around certain people. I’ve had coworkers overhear conversations and literally come out of their offices just to disapprove. Ugh.
They think I’m desperate, childish, wedding/marriage-obsessed, that I haven’t thought things through. They tell me that I “still have so many things to do” before i get married. Where does this “marriage means the end of your life” mentality come from? My theory is that it comes from people who see marriage as ’settling down’ and not as a uniting of two lives (i.e. boring people).
@jessalyn: So true about the marriage ending your life stigma. Stay tuned
I was 18 going on 19 when I met the man of my dreams, and we were married just 4 weeks after I turned 21. however, I have always felt and acted older than my years as well (at least, that’s what I hear)
More often, people are shocked when they hear my age, not when they heard I was engagaed/married.
Fortunately, my parents and his have been super supportive. I’m finished with college, have a job and my fiance is working part time and in grad school. We’re doing just as well as any single income/grad student couple that is 28!
thanks for this post and your support! I would’ve loved to blog on wedidngbee as the baby of the hive, as well. Not all “young” marriages will fail!
I think the thing that bugged me most was the “first marriage” and “divorce” comments that seem to come up around weddings. We got several on our honeymoon! Seriously?
We’re 22 and 23, and I definitely flopped between feeling really old and feeling way too young, but that was just emotions running high. I wouldn’t have it any other way!
@HistoryBride: I totally know what you mean about going back and forth between feeling really old (wait, I’m not 19 anymore??) and feeling too young (woah, I’m only 23!). Glad to hear I’m not alone!
So I know I’m chimming in about a month late… I got behind on my reading when I got married. I just wanted to say I’m so glad you wrote a post/series on this. I am 24, just married after being engaged for 2 years, and look about 15 (I still get offered the kids meals at some resturants and was accused of being too young to be in a bar at my own bachelorette party) I think it’s great that you are standing your ground. Like you, I also never planned on getting married young, I figured I would be around 29 or so. Life has a way of taking unexpected turns and I don’t think any of us young brides should have to hide the fact that we found our soulmate at a young age. In the past it was not uncommon for women to marry around the age of 19ish, so why is it so different now? Who says we can’t still marry young and accomplish our dreams at the the same time. I am definately looking forward to reading more . Thanks for taking a stand
Wow. You hit the nail on the head. I’m 23, my fiance is 22. I still sneakily refer to him as my boyfriend to avoid accusatory comments. Where are the manners? Don’t they have to at least fake excitement?
Some of my incredibly pretentious art school buddies act as if I’ve contracted the plague, it really takes some of the fun out.
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Mrs. Star, New York City
Age and Occupation: 22, Actress
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Casting Assistant
Wedding Date: October 2009
Venue: Ceremony: The Kraine Theatre, Reception: Midtown Loft & Terrace
About Me: I’m a professional actress who’s always had New York City in her blood and I'm finally getting the chance to make a home in Manhattan with my fiancé, my dog, and my big dreams! I love polka dots, craft projects, Dunkin’ Donuts’ iced coffee, and anything sparkly. I’m having a blast planning our elegant/dramatic/New York City/acting-themed/largely-DIY wedding and am thrilled to be the youngest current Miss Blogger!
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