Wedding Blog
When I started reading Weddingbee last September, I was suddenly overwhelmed with ideas that I could incorporate into my wedding. Gradually I started changing my mind about many early decisions I had made based on new information gleaned from the hive. Originally I wasn’t going to wear a veil because I thought they were too “bridal”—but when I realized just how many quirky options there are out there, I decided on two veils! One for the ceremony, one for the reception. I wasn’t going to spend a lot of money on a photographer or flowers, but I quickly discovered (based on a ton of photographic evidence) how key these two items are for pulling off “the dream wedding”. And c’mon, I had never even HEARD of out-of-town bags or blocking out hotel rooms for non-local guests!
Having your mind opened is a good thing, no doubt.
One thing that I am stubbornly clinging to, however, is the idea of not having assigned seating for the dinner reception. Some of you will gasp.
Some may even keel over with fright. But no matter how cute (and fun!) the bees have shown me escort cards can be, I refuse to assign seats to my guests.
I’m not saying that I think assigned seating is pointless or rude. I just know it’s not for us; it feels too formal and stiff for the Dude and me. We’re a casual couple. We like to drink beer and eat pizza and wear hoodie sweatshirts. And most of our friends and family are the same kind of people. Our wedding, no matter how much we “class it up”, is going to have a laid-back vibe—the guest list is modest; the venue is elegantly rustic; I’m wearing a short wedding dress; dinner will be served buffet style. I just don’t see how escort cards and table numbers would fit into this scenario.
True, there may be a handful of people there who don’t know anyone else, and not having an assigned seat to go to may be awkward for them. However, since our guest list is pretty small (about 125), the Dude and I will have time to visit with all of the “singles” during dinner. Additionally, I plan on assigning a couple key players to the task of helping those people find seats. The Dude’s sister would be good at this, as would my maid of honor—not a shy bone on either of their bodies! I think the Dude’s family, my family, and all of our friends will, in general, be more comfortable with the idea of choosing their own seats. And we plan on having plenty of tables and chairs, so no there will be no worries about having to squeeze in at a table full of strangers.
I may bow down to Emily Post even when I think an etiquette rule is silly (such as not including info about your registry in your invitation), but I’m not letting go of this relaxed, sit-where-you-please dinner.
What traditional etiquette are you shirking in order to make your wedding more “you”?
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Share this post: Breaking the Rules
my friend is getting married in two weeks and she’s anti-seating list as well [for similar reasons :)] … i’m interested to see how it works! she already asked a couple bridesmaids and myself to take a single guest under our wings and make sure they have a place to sit, and I’m more than happy to oblige 
Way to go! I’ve always believed that just because something is “usually” or “supposed to be” done, doesn’t mean you are obligated to do it. I think weddings should be reflections of a couple’s style and personality, and it sounds like you’re doing just that!
I went to a wedding last weekend with no set seating… it was fine. If it were a bigger wedding there might have been some problems, but only one table tried to fit 9 people instead of 8 with a 100-person guest list, so there weren’t really many issues.
I’ll post more deets in the future, but we’re actually doing the complete opposite — assigning seats for the RD. Good reasons behind it, though…
I thought about nixing arranged seating, but we want people to move in and sit down for dinner pretty quickly (cocktail hour is not at the dinner location) so we are doing table #’s to help usher the process along!
We’re assigning tables because at my sister’s wedding they didn’t do assigned tables/seating and several family members/older guests/guests that were to give toasts were later to the reception (b/c they were taking pictures) and ended up getting the few seats left in the back. Which was sad for the family members and awkward for the toasts.
We had a small, totally relaxed dinner party style wedding, and assigning the seating definately felt like a weird formality. At the wedding, however, it was a minor organizational detail and it didn’t “feel” stuffy or formal. It was appreciated by many guests even though we would have been fine without it.
I have heard that there are some regional differences in terms of seating style. (A friend from South Carolina said that assigned seating was “New York” style). I’m not from either place, but I have been to both assigned and not-assigned seating. The assigned seating was in Northern states, the non-assigned in Southern states. I wonder if anyone would be interested in adding a poll to see if this matches others experiences.
I have enjoyed both types of weddings equally well!
My only word of caution - I was at a wedding last fall where they had a number of no-shows. Because of that, they had a lot of extra seats, and because of this, a cute elderly couple who obviously didn’t know anyone else there ended up sitting at a table for 10 all by themselves. It was sad 
But I was at another wedding in May and they didn’t assign and the room was packed so it worked out well!
Oh and it may be super dorky of me, but I’ve been looking forward to playing around with the seating chart…yes, I’m Miss Stiletto and I’m a big D-O-R-K!
We had no assigned seating and it turned out fine! No issues!
Ah, I wish I could do this! Seating arrangements and place cards stress me out just thinking about it! But are required by my venu since the seated dinner has options guests will have pre-requetsed on the rsvp cards. Who cares about emily post anyway, do what is best for you!
I am def kicking a few things that most brides do out the doors. Personally, and call me weird, but I don’t like bridal portraits. I am very girly and actually really like the way I look in pictures, but for some reason the appeal of having pictures of my wedding dress w/ no groom just isn’t my thing. So obviously this means no bridal portrait at the reception either.
I’m also having my guests RSVP online, which means no inserts in my invitations, I’m sure this is a no no when it comes to etiquette, but it just seems easier to have everything online
the thing about non assigning seats (for us anyway) was that if we did not then people who did not know one another would not mingle with new people but rather stick with the people they knew. When we sat the MOH Fiance with my (male) Cousin they had the best time, bonded and we still hear stories!!! if not for assigned seating they never would have met.
We’re NOt doing assigned seating either for pretty much the same reasons you listed. Right now we’re only expecting about 65 guests and everyone knows at least 5 people there.
We’re all adults, I don’t see why some brides think people can’t be bothered or dont have the know-how to find their own seats.
There are very many things that I’ve done/ haven’t done that some other people may call downright tacky. But do I care? No.
-I didn’t send formal invites. (STD magnet & website)
-I didn’t assign seats.
-I invited people to the bridal shower that were’t invited to the wedding.
-I’m not getting married in a church.
-We aren’t having a bridal party. or flower centerpieces. or a bouquet toss. or garter toss. or DJ for that matter.
-We’re having sno cones at the cocktail hour.
-I bought a skateboard deck to use in lieu of a guestbook.
Is my weding any less of a wedding? No.
To each her own! Dance to the beat of your own drum ladies (and gents).
The only caution I have about not even assigning tables is that I’ve been to a couple weddings where people dragged over chairs from other tables, so there would be like 15 people at some tables and only like 2 chairs left at some, so people ended up sitting alone, etc. It was pretty chaotic…but that might just be FI’s crazy friends that would do that!
No assigned seating here, either! There wouldn’t be room for a dance floor if we seated everyone for dinner — plus we’re saving a boatload of money by not serving a full meal.
*high-fives ya*
I’m not getting married in a church, instead, at the courthouse. The wedding reception will be held on a different day (possible a week apart?), but it will still hold some elements of tradition. Our invitations aren’t formal at all. They are a fun and modern design. My dress is cocktail length. I have a symbolic wedding party. We will serve buffet dinner and our favors will be goodie bags instead. But, we’ll still have a DJ, a photographer, centerpieces, nicer chairs, the first dances, and . . . I think that’s it?
We’re having a maximum of 120 guests. At first, considered not having assigned seating because it just seemed overly anal. Instead, we’re just gonna have assigned tables. I don’t expect everyone to keep their seats.
It’s just a matter of making sure that everyone has a seat and no one group is overstuffed or understuffed. Also, certain family groups can’t sit together . . .
I like reading about seating chart thoughts–I’ve been to a ton of weddings, all in the Midwest, and I’ve yet to go to one with assigned seating, although I would love to (see if it feels as formal as I think it does). I toyed with the idea for our wedding, but frankly, since it’s so accepted around here to have free-for-all seating, I think my friends and Mr. Spin’s family would freak over a seating chart. ^_^
Ah well, less work for me. Mwaha. We’ll just reserve several tables up front for our family members. That’s usually the accepted practice around here.
We skipped assigned seating b/c our families and friends have known each other for years… even though there were over 200 guests.
The only problem we had that threw me for a loop was that the day of coordinator messed up the signs for the reserved tables (bridal party, parents & grandparents) and did not assist properly with seating these individuals. My first sight of my reception was a bridesmaid telling the DO that noone knew where to sit and I paniced inside (tired+hungry=mini panic attack). Just make sure if you have reserved tables to tell the people who will be sitting there. And don’t hire a sub-par DO, like me
@Miss Bruschetta: Looking back, I kinda wish I had assigned seats for the RD, actually. For us, I think it would have worked out more smoothly that way!
nope no assigned seating for me. We have over 220 people coming to our wedding. my family alone makes up over 100. I just dont see any reason to assign seats. everyone in my family will just end up moving around and sitting with eachother at other tables anyways, so nope. none for us!
Maybe it’s because I grew up in a small town in Wisconsin, but honestly, I’ve NEVER been to a wedding where they HAD assigned seats for the reception! If that classifies me as a hick, I really don’t care. I just think people around here tend to be a bit more like you - relaxed and casual. Kudos to you for not following a “rule” just because it’s a “rule!”
We weren’t going to do assigned seating either but then I found some really fun escort cards that I couldn’t pass up! But I think no seating charts is fine too!
I would have rather not had assigned seating for our 50 person wedding, but the place was so small and we had to keep angry divorced people away from each other. Seriously.
This is awesome! I’ve been on the fence about assigned seating. It would definitely make things straight-forward at the reception, but it just feels too stuffy to me!
I’m interested in knowing how you plan on assigning a couple of seats for a handful of people!
Etiquette doesn’t even require assigned seats so you aren’t really breaking a rule, especially if you’re having a more casual wedding since assigned seating is generally considered appropriate for more formal weddings.
@MissCamera: “I don’t see why some brides think people can’t be bothered or dont have the know-how to find their own seats.”
It’s not an issue of not knowing how to find their own seats, it’s an issue of making guests as comfortable as you can. Some people, like me, who are very shy would feel extremely uncomfortable/intimidated trying to find a seat in a group of strangers. I’d probably end up sitting alone if there were any empty tables when I got in because I’d be concerned about breaking up groups of friends who want to sit near each other.
The only reason I am doing assigned seating is because I know my guests will split up into “cliques” and I want this to be a chance for everyone to get to know each other. I like that you are still addressing the need to keep that from happening even without a seating chart. It’s very thoughtful! And hopefully I will do a good job of assigning seating so that the conversations will flow and new friendship will emerge!
My fiance and I attended the wedding of one of his college friends last year. There was no assigned seating, and we ended up sitting with the parents of his ex-girlfriend and an elderly couple from the brides’ side. It didn’t make for a very enjoyable dinner hour for any of us. I’m all for assigned seats now lol.
I’ve been to two weddings without assigned seating. One there were no seats for the grandparents and extra tables and chairs had to be brought in, which caused them to be shoved into the corner. The other one was ok, but not everyone had a seat. Some people were standing at high bar tables.
I’m doing assigned seating. I think people get confused without it. It’s going to be a pain and extra time, but I see it as a courtesy to our guests so they know where they should sit. That way any awkwardness is within our control on the front end.
Thanks for this post, Miss Mouse! It’s interesting to read everyone’s posts. I’m having a relatively formal evening wedding for 200 guests and not assigning seats. My parents felt Very Strongly about this! The venue has many different sized tables and there will be plenty of seats. It will be a little chaotic at first, but that’s sort of how we want it. I’m asking my bridesmaids to keep an eye out for the very few people who won’t know anyone else. Honestly, I’ve never been to a wedding where I was happy to have assigned seats! And I am SO happy not to have to deal with seating charts. Oh, and I’m from California for what’s it’s worth.
We’re assigning tables, but not seats. Mainly only because I don’t want our guests to feel like the new kids in the school cafeteria looking for an open seat. We’re assigning tables, but not seats at the table.
@AnnieAAA: Actually I’ve kind of felt that the bridal portraits thing was a little weird for me, too. I don’t want to get dolled up and put on my wedding dress to take pictures by myself. I’d much rather do trashthedress afterward. I want to feel relaxed about wearing my dress around town and stuff like that.
We’ve decided to do assigned tables and not assigned seating. This is because I would hate to have to play hide-and-seek for a table. Just tell me at least where I can go and I know I will fit there.
As for breaking the rules, Ms. Mouse, I TOTALLY FEEL YOU ON THE “NO REGISTRY INFO IN THE CARD.” Give me a freakin break! It’s not about fishing for gifts or being “improper.” It’s about trying to make things as easy as possible for guests when trying to attend your weddings. Heck, Emily tells us to buy a gift when you receive an invitation even if you’re not going. The least I can do is help you figure out what we like!
AMEN! My fiance and I are having our’s out on his dad’s ranch, and everyone we know is like us; laid back, fun, and spur of the moment. So a seating arrangement would just NOT feel right on our big day. So we’re also having the buffet style.
One etiquette rule I swear by is not putting registry info in your invitation. I think it is RUDE. I put the information on my wedding website and included a slip in the suite to let people know about it.
I’m all for breaking etiquette rules where you need to - in order to make your wedding more personalized to your tastes. BUT - I think it’s important to remember that rules are made for a reason. If you still don’t care kudos to you - and good luck. That being said - I CANNOT STAND being invited to the shower and not the wedding. *It’s happened twice in the past two months! Hello - greedy gift grabber?
Our biggest thing is that we’re not providing tables and chairs at our wedding. We’re having picnic blankets, and if people want to sit on a chair they can either bring along a lawn chair or they can try to score one of the picnic tables that will be there.
We will be bringing some lawn chairs to set up for the more elderly guests during the ceremony especially, because it’s fairly long. But I figure, if my groom and I have to stand through it, so can our guests (or, if they want, they can sit, I don’t care)!
We’re also not having a plated dinner. We’re having a make-your-own sandwich buffet with TONS of options, as well as some hors d’oeuvres, soup (hopefully) and salads.
I also think the no-registry-info-on-the-invite thing is a bit silly. Might abide by it, might not (my fiance wants to have it there, I’m more in the middle). We’ll see what happens when we produce the invites. =D
We’re also not having a church wedding (it’s not even going to be at a traditional wedding “venue”), we’re not assigning seats or tables (partially because we won’t be having any!), and if we choose to have an adult-only wedding, our invites WILL say that. I am NOT taking any chances.
I think this really depends on what type of reception you are having. If yours is more laid back, or you are having a buffet, then assigned seating is not necessary. We are having a sit-down dinner and somewhat formal reception, so we are opting for escort cards. It’ll make things easier for my guests. And besides, they really only eat dinner with those folks, then they mingle the rest of the night!
Just chiming in on the locality aspect of the whole assigned-seating thing. I’m another Midwesterner (Northwest Missouri), and none of the 25ish weddings I’ve attended have had assigned seats.
For smaller weddings (say less than 50 people) I think it’s fine not to have arranged seating. However, for larger weddings not having arranged seating can result in chaos as people try to find tables with enough seats for their group. I’ve heard stories of it taking over 20 minutes just for everyone to get seated!
Amen! I’m not assigning seats either. With ~50 people and a buffet in the same venue as our ceremony, there won’t be any late arrivals and assigning seats is waaay to stuffy for us too!
Hm, I can’t say that I’ve ever viewed assigned seating as stuffy or formal. One of the most informal weddings I went to still assigned tables, and I was happy for it.
We assigned tables, because like budgetbeautiful said, I hate that “new kid in the cafeteria” feeling and seeing a table with 13 people next to tables with 3. A couple of our tables had 6 instead of 10, but at least we got people spread out fairly evenly. Later in the evening people wandered and visited other tables, and it was never a problem.
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Mrs. Mouse, Austin
Age and Occupation: 25, Attorney
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Civil Engineer
Engagement Date: December 19, 2007
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: Barr Mansion
About Me: I just graduated from law school and will be taking the bar, getting married, going on a honeymoon with my guy, and then trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I was born and raised in a small East Texas town, but I'm no country girl! I'm obsessed with British accents, fantasy (including Harry Potter, of course), and classic rock. My fiance and I consider ourselves both music and beer snobs--but every once in awhile we love to hear a crappy band and drink a cheap brew or two. We're planning an eco-friendly, casual, English garden affair for the end of summer, and we can't wait for it to get here!
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