Wedding Blog
I know what you are thinking, and there is not a baby duckling on its way. However, that was the topic of the week at our couples counseling.
It was an interesting conversation to have, and while we’ve talked about it before, it was a good time to really look at a variety of issues. I thought I’d share some of the conversations that we had.
We started right at the actual birth and labor aspect. Now, because of my psychology degree and lifespan developmental/women’s issues classes, I have seen several videos of births. And honestly, it scares me a little bit each time.
I always thought that I would be one to ask for some medication to manage the pain. Our therapist asked if I had ever considered hypnotherapy during labor, because it takes away the pain. I had never heard of it, but after her explanation I would definitely consider it as an option. Has anyone ever tried hypnotherapy?
When do we want kids? Mr. Ducky and I have always said that we want to wait at least 3 years or so before starting to have kids. We are both young and really want to invest in our relationship and build a strong foundation as a married couple before introducing kids into the picture. Another huge factor is financial readiness. Could an accident happen and could we end up with a baby sooner, rather than later? Yes, but we are hoping this will not be the case. We both agree that we would like 2 kids.
I’d like to be home with the baby at first, but I don’t see myself becoming a full-time stay at home mom. As a therapist I am able to set my own hours and days that I work. I hope to arrange my hours so that I am working when our kids are in school and be able to pick them up and be home with them in the afternoon. Before they are in school, I would maybe want to work a few days a week and arrange child care accordingly depending on where we are at that point. Mr. Ducky is very supportive of these ideas. He knows that I love what I do and how much I have invested in my education. He wants me to be able to continue my work and be a mom.
How do we want to raise our children? Mr. Ducky and I had similar upbringings in terms of values and discipline. Our families were a good balance of strong boundaries and lots of support. We want to raise our kids in that same environment. We want to take our kids to church with us and teach them about our faith. There will be discipline, but also conversations of understanding and acceptance.
It’s really important to me that even after we get married, we continue to “date” and pursue one another. Our relationship will always be a priority and we will continue to be husband and wife as well as being parents. I think it is easy to lose those roles when the focus becomes the children. Mr. Ducky and I want to be accountable to each other that we continue to take time for ourselves and invest in our relationship even when children come into the picture. This means that we have to start the habit of date nights, etc., now.
While I don’t think either of us are ready for kids yet, it was exciting to think about the future. It also gave us a chance to reflect on the appreciation we have for our families. We are both lucky to have amazing parents that invested in us and gave us so many opportunities.
Alright, hive, now it is your turn for some questions:
What topics have you covered in your couples counseling or premarital classes?
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Share this post: A Baby Duckling?
How lucky you are to have both had similar upbringings that were supportive and stabilizing.
It’s funny, when I was younger, I was big on having “husband time” after we got married. So maybe 2 years or so of just us. We will have been together 5 years when we are married and we will be pushing 29. I did the math the other day and if we have a baby right after the wedding, I will be almost 30 when we have the baby. So we will be 40 and have a 10 year old.
Suddenly, we are less about waiting a few years and more focused on getting ready now since we both wanted to have our first baby by 30.
We are stepping back to make sure “age” isn’t scaring us into rushing, though.
Good topic!
We talk about kids all the time! I originally only wanted one but I think we’ve settled around 3 or 4, and honestly, we are open to how many ever God will give us.
We were both raised Catholic and are really involved in our church, so we plan to raise our children in the faith. We have similar discipline ideas, I think we will be firm but understanding.
As for taking care of them, I plan to stay home while they are newborns. I am a teacher, so I would job share with another teacher. ( We would split the week, ex: Mon, Tues, Wed, for one teacher and Thurs., Friday for another day. ) I think this is the best of both worlds, I could stay home with my kids and help bring in some income.
We haven’t gone to our engagement classes though.
It is so important to be clear and honest about kids before you get married! That way you work through your expectations which lessens the chance of one of you being disappointed.
Obviously, Mr. Q already has 2 children & the thought of adding more is a little intimidating at this point. If we had all the money in the world, we decided we would have a house full of kids running around! But more likely, we’ll have one or two in a couple of years 
I really don’t want to wait much longer than that.
Great post ducky!!
We don’t want kids for a few years, either. I’m not sure I want kids ever. The Dude knows this and is OK with it. We have talked adoption as well, so that is definitely on the table. Luckily we have similar values and opinions on how we should raise our kids if we do have them.
We plan to have 2 children and would like to start a family about a year after our wedding, hopefully after buying a house. We have spoken about children and our future families a lot and are on the same page.
I am excited at the prospect of being a mom, but scared as well. Will I be a good mom? Will I know what to do? Will the transition to parenthood be smooth? (probably not! lol), and finally, will I be able to handle the changes my body goes through. I know it sounds selfish, but I don’t love the idea of weight gain, things shifting and never going back to how my body was pre-baby. I’ll get over it though.
Anyone else have similar fears about pregnancy and parenthood?
I am 32, we have been married for 2 years and together for 7. I would like kids one day, but that day is not soon. However, being 32 I realize that as the years pass fertility etc becomes a concern. Maybe in a year, I don’t feel anymore ready than when I was 27 to be honest, but maybe you never are? Also we live in NYC so that brings in a whole other set of issues: stay, go, commute, is our place big enough (no), money…..
@Champagne Wishes: I hear ya. I also always wanted “us time” after the marriage, but now I will be 29 next summer when we get married, and I want kids around age 30. There goes the “us time” out the window. Eek! We might have to push that back a couple of years due to where I currently am w/ my career, but we’ll see.
Working with kids and having taken many child development and family studies classes future Mr. Starfish and I have discussed a wide variety of topics post wedding and baby. We would like to wait two years after being married to have our first child, but realize that priorities may change but we would also like to enjoy each other , buy a house, and focus on our careers a little more in those few years. Mr. Starfish is a fire fighter and my job is flexible so we would probably work out a system once we have children on who cares for and hopefully not have them in day care full time. We also want to continue to make each other a priority and know we will face some challenges living far away from any family members (no free grandma baby sitting). We agree on discipline and want our children in church, he’s catholic and I am methodist so we have agreed we want our children to grow up knowing and understanding both. A debate we had was over babtizing the baby. I know I believe they should be dedicated but then choose when they are older if they want to be babtized. He feels they should be babtized and then can choose to go through the later classes for communion and confirmation. We agreed that we want it to be their choice.
Being so far from family also brought up the how to choose which family to spend holidays with. ??
The most important thing we discussed is what we would do during pregnancy if we found out the fetus had a severe deformity or genetic disorder. I was glad to know my husband is in agreement with me on the issue - but if he weren’t it would be a HUGE problem.
we’re planning on 3 with the possibility of an accidental fourth. (both our parents had surprises for their last baby… his youngest brother was born after a vasectomy!). We’re both in school (me medical, he undergrad) so we’ll wait a couple of years until we’re both working, earning money. I don’t want to be so pitifully poor that I’ll have to have the baby delivered at the county hospital where my classmates might be catching it… In my training I’ve gotten to the point where I’m pretty blase about doing a well-woman exam or whatever needs to be done down there to a patient, but it’s totally different if we’re talking about MY OWN parts being ogled by some guy that I sat next to in class a year ago. no thanks!
I used to think childbirth was really gross but after seeing a bunch of them it’s really not that bad… There might be a bit of a mess, but it can be cleaned up/stitched up/taken care of.
I think I’ll probably have the first at 27-28 (2-3 years) and finish at the latest at 36.
My future hubby & I are a bit older (will be 37 when we get married), so we will be trying for baby #1 very soon after the wedding! We discussed having one baby (if my body allows it!) and adopting a second. He is an only child, so I think 2 may be his max. It is strange to think that two big life changes will happen so close together, and even though I am nervous, I am definitely ready.
I’m not sure I want kids. I HATE, LOATHE babies and small children. But I like and want grown children, teenagers, and young adults. My fiance insists on children. There have been many fights. I also am not fond of the bodily repercussions of pregnancy and childbirth. I struggled with eating disorders and still struggle with body image issues, so it’s going to be bad news for my well being. I get stressed just thinking about having to make this decision 10 years from now in my mid thirties.
I’ve agreed to one kid for now, but I’m not 100% on board. When I was younger (in my 20’s) I was all for having kids, but now that most of my friends have babies I’m just not so sure. They all love their babies, but every single one of them longs for their old lives back. I’m sure it will get better as the kids get older, but not a single girlfriend hasn’t told me that the first 6 months were miserable. These are happy, successful women with fabulous husbands, families, and support systems.
My fiance is all about kids so I’m sure we’ll go through with it soon before I’m too old, but I’m going to enjoy every second without kids while the time lasts. And when the time does come, I’m evaluating every single labor story I’ve been told and I’m getting a drip line in the moment I walk in the hospital door, will have practiced yoga breathing in case the epidural doesn’t work, and will be ready to be hypnotized at the snap of a finger. Give me the drugs.
I’m extremely concerned that it always seems to be the women who are most burdened by young children. It makes me skittish. Why aren’t very many men primary caregivers?
We plan on having 2-3 (I lean towards 2, he leans towards 3). We want to wait at least 4 years after we get married before we start a family. We’re young and we want to enjoy some time just the two of us, establishing our marriage before we bring kids into the mix.
We still haven’t ironed out whether I will be stay at home with the kids are little or not. I would love to, as my mom was stay-at-home for most of my childhood, and he’s not sure as both of his parents worked. I think it will come down to whether we are financially stable enough for us to only have one person bringing in income or not.
We share a lot of the same ideals about parenting, but I think that we differ on disciplining and maybe how to handle a situation. That is definitely something that we would need to iron out before having kids!
@chicagobride092010: Have you considered adoption or foster care? It can be incredibly frustrating and rewarding at the same time.
We are still up in the air on whether or not we want to have kids. We really love our together time and both agree that we would be fine if we had no children (there’s a small chance that I can’t have them) but if we do we think we may want 1
We’ve discussed this, for sure. We are in that majority mindset of waiting a while, like 1-2 years, and then having those 2.5 kids or whatever it is 
I am 25, and he is 30, so I think this is very realistic for our situation…he is the major breadwinner in the family, and we’d be financially stable for me to be home a couple years, which is my preference. We both love kids, though I make it more visible; of course, my job has me around lots of kids, unlike his, so that kind of makes sense. The good thing in our situation is that his younger sister is already married and has a 1.5 year old, so there’s less pressure on us…the whole idea makes me a little scared, but a lot of happy =D
We’ll only be 22 when we’re married, and pretty broke, so we think we have to wait 5 years or more to have children. Considering the fact that I’ve cared for children almost day-in and day-out for the past 5 years, and LOVED it, waiting those years seems like pure torture (yes, I’m 21 and want babies. Get over it.) But it is the best thing for our relationship and budget.
We’re planning on 3, with an accidental fourth. Hopefully all will be adopted - there are kids out there without parents! what a horror! Besides that, the idea of pregnancy itself freaks me out, and my mother almost died giving birth to me.
We have very similar ideas about raising a child, and fostering values and decision-making skills.
I have a friend who used hypno-birthing and was extremely successful. At times she was able to totally trance out away from the pain, and she even fell asleep at one point. Her husband made a huge difference with this– they took the class together and he was able to lead her in the relaxation.
Two things I would really recommend when having a baby: use a midwife and have a labor companion, like a doula. Midwives are trained to recognize and augment your body’s natural ability to give birth (women are designed for it, after all!) while providing medical expertise and emotional support.
You could also watch the movie “The Business of Being Born” and read the book “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth” by Ina May Gaskin. Giving birth *is* kind of scary, but the more you learn about it, the more you realize it is perfectly normal and can be really wonderful.
Never heard of hypno-birthing, but I’d like to go a la natural if I can (this said before having been through the pain). I think it’s great that y’all are talking about it now! (As a teacher, I’m all about being prepared.) For us, we’re thinking maybe 3-4? We’ve decided that maybe we’ll “start” next year or so since we want to be parents with a lot of energy. I’m more scared about losing sleep after the birth, but the blessings will far outweigh the burdens. I’ll just have to get a poster that reminds me of that and hang one in every room when the time comes. 
We’re planning on having one kid (preferably a girl, though we’re not prepared to go to the lengths of IVF or some such to achieve that…we’ll take what we get). We’re not going to wait TOO long, because I want to have my baby by the time we’re 25…so we have three or four years, but we might go for less. I want to take my full maternity leave (in Canada, one year) and then go back to work part-time (probably about 0.6 to 0.8) until the wee one is in school; my fiance is planning on being a stay-at-home/work-at-home dad.
In terms of discipline…we’re going to try to raise him/her much the way my parents raised me…to make his/her own choices. We will teach him/her about things when they ask, we will let him/her make their own decisions regarding faith. We will make chores a family affair and make sure that our child knows what the rules are and trust them to follow them. We will have consequences if they’re broken, but my parents never needed to use the threat of grounding with me, so hopefully we won’t either.
We’ve talked about children a bit, but not too much, because they are far in the future, but we’ve talked about them more than other couples our age, probably. For the most part, we share the same views regarding children and parenting.
Being that FI is 31 now, he really wants to have children immediately. I actually feel like I’m ready as well, so it will work out. We both have two siblings, so anywhere from 1 to 3 is what we’re thinking we would like. Parenting style - we’ve had a lot of discussions about how our parents were and which routes we will not take! For the most part, we share a lot of similar views on parenting. I think the only thing that weighs on our minds is money and being able to give a child everything we want to give them. But everyone says that this shouldn’t hold you back from having kids, as you find a way to provide, no matter what. I really just want to get a larger house before we start having any…we barely fit all of our “stuff” in here already. Ultimately, I don’t think either of us will be “stay at home”, but I would bet on him staying home with children more than myself.
He tells me all the time that he can’t wait to get me ice cream and pickles in the middle of the night! I wonder if he’ll sing the same tune when someone’s crying for a bottle at 2am.
It seems like everyone around us is having babies, so we have been talking about this a lot lately. Since we both just finished grad school, we are planning on taking lots of time to enjoy life with just the two of us before we add kids, or even a dog, to the mix! Right now we’re happy with it being just us and our cat.
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Mrs. Duckling, San Diego
Age and Occupation: 23, Psychology Grad Student, Youth Diversion Specialist/Marriage and Family Therapy Trainee and an Executive Assistant
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Marketing and PR Coordinator
Engagement Date: May 17, 2008
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: Rancho Bernardo Inn
About Me: I'm currently living in Orange County, but planning our wedding in my hometown of San Diego. We are a DIY wedding "2fer", as I'm the crafty one and Mr. Ducky is in charge of all of our graphic design and technical aspects. When not wedding planning or reading wedding blogs, I'm attending grad school and rotating between two different jobs to keep things exciting. My favorite things include shoes, Post-Its, Labrador Retrievers, traveling, psychology, delicious food, photography, reading, craft gadgets/supplies, and of course, my wonderful Mr. Ducky!
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