Weddingbee Blog

So uh, I have something to share with you. It’s not something I’ve been hiding: I mention it from time to time (though mostly on the boards). It’s not something I’ve openly and frankly talked about in any posts, either. In fact, I wasn’t planning on discussing it at all. It’s the past, and that’s where it belongs, right? Mr. Mary Jane’s and my wedding is happy, and way more fun to blog about. But as my wedding date draws nearer, my past is on my mind more and more, and I feel I need to share my experience with you all. My hope is that I’ll help someone or at least touch other ladies with similar situations to mine. I want you to know that I have been there, done that, and lived to tell about it.

So here it is: I’m divorced.

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When I was 19 and a sophomore in college, I met someone nice.

He was nicer than any other guy I dated. We were engaged at 21 and married at 22. My parents thought he was nice too, but my (very wise) mother kept encouraging me to wait. “You’re so young,” she said. “You want to be sure,” she said. “I want to get married!” I said. “We’re mature adults, out of college and everything!” So we were married in a small (20 person) beach wedding. And about 2 years ago, I became a 24-year-old divorcee. We were definitely lacking a lot of the things it takes to have a true marriage partnership. We didn’t understand how much harder you have to work at marriage than you do at a casual relationship. Even though we’d lived together, moved across the country together, and done all the Stuff That Married Couples Do… it just did not work. We didn’t understand the ramifications of marriage when we entered in to it. Mrs. Cheese has written wonderful posts about this that have touched my heart and soul. Rather than paraphrase her experiences and advice, I’m just telling you: Go read Mrs. Cheese. And take her advice seriously. She knows how it is.

There a few reasons I’m writing this post. First, I want you to make sure you are thinking very clearly about the reasons why you’re marrying. I often see posts in the boards that indicate that some engaged couples are missing the oh-so-important communication and cooperation skills, trust, and selflessness that can save a relationship when times get hard. If you don’t have all these qualities, get counseling. Read self-help books. Get tips from other couples. If one of you is resistant to helping your relationship in these ways, seriously think about how that could effect your future together. Remember that you are not marrying a husband, you are marrying the guy you’re engaged to. The event of marriage won’t solve any existing issues. If one or both of you aren’t partner material yet, it’s time to get up to speed. And seriously. Don’t marry because you want a wedding. A wedding lasts a day. Your life lasts, um, your whole life.

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And I also warn you to be very, very careful about throwing around the legal outs of marriage, even in the back of your head. DO NOT enter in to your marriage thinking “Well, if it doesn’t work out, we can always get divorced!” Because seriously? Divorce sucks. Even if you’re not religious, and even if your family is supportive, it’s still an awful, awful thing to go through. As much as I told myself that it’s just like breaking up with a long term boyfriend, it’s not. I’ve done that too, and this hurts worse; it hurts deeper. It hurts differently. It takes a long time to get over. It changes you. Mine was the smoothest, easiest, most amicable and mutually cooperative procedure you could imagine. But it still broke my heart, and when I think about it now, it can still bring me to tears (even though I have no doubt that it was the right choice).

Lastly, I want to share with you how I’m feeling with only about 2 months left before my nuptials. I’m feeling excited of course, but also a little sad. Obviously I’m not sad to be marrying Mr. Mary Jane - he’s the best partner I could possibly ask for. But memories are memories, and it’s hard not to experience deja vu while accomplishing wedding tasks.  (And did I mention that our marriage license application will be stapled to my divorce decree, forever nestled together in the county’s file? Ick.) Most of all though, I am confident. My previous marriage and divorce have matured me more than any other single event in my entire life. I have learned about pain, about loss, about compatibility, and about couplehood. I have learned about what it takes to have a strong and lasting relationship, and I continue to learn and evolve the kind of partner I am, as well recognize what kind of partner Mr. Mary Jane is for me. (He’s a good one! :))

As far as I’m concerned, my married days will start in September when I marry Mr. Mary Jane. He won’t be my “second husband”: he’ll be Mr. Mary Jane: my partner in life (and in crime!). We’ll be a team, and that fills me with a joy so huge I cannot contain it.

Are you an “encore” bride? How has your experience changed your outlook as you prepare (or prepared) to remarry?