Wedding Blog
I was perusing Dear Abby (yet again…shameless!) & the topic of asking your girlfriend’s parents for “permission” to marry their daughter was heating up!
The reader responses were all over the board, of course. Some stated that they were independent women who have been succeeding on their own & would be downright insulted if their fiance asked her parents first. That to me is a bit ridiculous… insulted? I know it’s old fashioned, but I like the tradition of the hubby-to-(hopefully)-be nervously approaching his girlfriend’s father (or mother, you get the idea) with the anticipation of what is about to finally happen. I love it!
Mr. Quiche called my mom before he popped the question, and I thought it was very thoughtful & downright cute of him to do it! It made my mom happy, too. When I called her after he proposed, she was practically bursting at the seams!
With Mama & Petey Quiche… a little wedding day teaser for you!
So hive, where do you stand? Is this a dated, irrelevant tradition? Did your fiance “ask” your parents before asking you?
Photo by the always awesome Ashley Colhouer
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I’m with you, Mrs. Quiche, I think it’s sweet and thoughtful.
I like to think of it as asking for their “blessing” instead of their “permission” - permission implies they can say no! (happened to a friend . . . I mean, what do you do then??).
My husband asked my dad for permission about a week beforehand. My dad was so happy and felt respected that my husband took the time to ask him. Im so happy he did =)
I’m also with you. I find it respectful and I know my father very much appreciated it. It’s a little tradition that made him happy. I’m not about to get up on my feminist soap box (and trust me, I generally carry it around with me) and upset my father for something that is really just a nice gesture.
He did ask both sets of my parents, but (at my request) not for “permission” so much as for their blessing and approval. I think that should satisfy both sides pretty well, no?
My FI asked and I thought it was sweet 
I’m not going to get all worked up about it being my decision because even he does ask the parents it, in the end, is still MY decision. My parents being super excited and knowing before me doesn’t take that away, it just makes it that much cuter when you call them and they are ready to burst with happiness!
I would have had no problems with my fiance asking for my parents blessing but I knew 100% that my dad would scoff at the idea.
I’m a grown woman, supporting myself and dating whom I choose - and my dad would have most likely told my fiance the same thing adding that if I say “yes” it’s up to me, not him.
My parents had met my husband several times and really, we wouldn’t have planned on an engagement if we didn’t think our families would be on board.
My FI had never mentioned, when the day would come, that he wanted to ask my dad first. I was totally surprised just before I called to tell my dad he said that my dad already knew, he had asked for his BLESSING. I was so touched and I know my dad was thrilled FI would be asking me but also that he spoke to him about it….which wasn’t required either but was a nice, respectful thing to do. I agree though, don’t ask for PERMISSION ask for a BLESSING. 
I think it’s dated, for sure, but so are many traditions. You just have to pick the ones that work for you! I would’ve rolled my eyes if the Dude had asked my parents for permission, but then again we are not a very traditional couple.
Nope, he didn’t ask. It didn’t even cross our minds. I inherited my shyness from my dad and my FI is also very shy. It would have been awkward and uncomfortable for both of them. Our parents knew we were planning on getting engaged, so it’s not like it was a surprise.
my fiance asked and neither me or my dad would have had it any other way!
I had a friend who after her fiance proposed immediately asked…”Did you ask my dad?”
It was important to me to be ‘handed off’ however traditional that is, from one important guy in my life to another. I loved it.
My husband asked my parents for permission and she acidentally hung up on him! hahaha it makes for such a great story now.
I really like the idea of approaching her parents (or his parents if she is doing the asking). A marriage is also about the joining of two families and it is such a nice way to kick off the hoopla of wedding planning.
Oh and Dan called my Mom back and she said yes. and then was dying to hear a call from me when he finally did it.
Fi had no idea about this tradition so he didn’t ask my parents, I believe to each their own and it depends on the situation and the couples beliefs. Had I known he was going to propose as soon as he did, I would have dropped the fact that its a good idea, but it is what it is
depends on the girl and the fam! For me, not necessary. But for some ladies, it’s just such a nice gesture.
I think it depends on the girl. It’s true that we’re a whole new generation, some women don’t like this. I loved that my fiance took my dad out to lunch to ask him. It was more of a respect thing…because it’s not like he NEEDS his permission. Likewise, my dad knows that his permission isn’t needed, but he loved that he asked. My sister’s husbands didn’t do this, and I know one of my sisters wishes her husband had.
I think it’s a great tradition of respect and in our case helped my parents and my fiance become closer. I realize it’s not feasible or appropriate in all circumstances, but in our situation it was! My mom was the same way, Mrs. Quiche!
I’m ridiculously opposed to so many wedding traditions, mainly cause I took entirely too many history classes, and learned that the reasons behind most of them are pretty sexist. When my guy and I started ring shopping, the subject was broached and I gave him a resounding, “No. We’ve been living together for six years without anyone’s permission, why on earth would we need it now?” Then I thought about how excited my parents would feel to be included in the process, and with the direction that it would be asking for their blessing, told him to go for it. Apparently my dad cried, my mom screamed (hysterical since we’ve been living together for so long), and in the end, their joy in being in on the “surprise” completely outweighed my aversions to being inadvertantly compared to chattel.
I was not expecting my FI to ask my father in person, but he did! I thought it was adorable, especially since he told me he was still on a business trip and instead he was at my house.
Kourtann I agree with you! It really does depend though, my one older sister’s hubby didn’t ask and the other sister’s did, but neither was viewed as right or wrong.
I specifically told my fiance that he was not to ask my father for his permission or blessing. I’m a grown woman and I support myself. I’m no one else’s to be given away. If he wanted to tell my parents that he was going to propose, that was fine, but there would be no asking. I would have been upset with him if he had, and all he asked was that I tell my parents that I had requested him not to just in case they think him rude.
A lot of traditions surrounding weddings are so misogynist. Not seeing the bride before the wedding? A misogynist tradition. Asking permission and father “giving away,” a misogynist tradition from when women were property. Bride always changing her name to her new husband’s? More property. I realize that I have my father’s (another man’s) name, but I’ve grown up with it and into it, and it is now my own and part of my own identity. No thanks to any of that.
The FI asked my family for their blessing. There’s a whole slew of history that makes it all the more meaningful that he had the courage to ask and that they gave him his full blessing. I love the idea that they knew for months before I did that he was going to propose. It was really important to both of us that we had my family’s blessing, otherwise we wouldn’t have waited almost 9 years before getting engaged!
There are many reasons why one would ask the bride’s family for their permission or blessing. We don’t know the whole story so don’t scoff at it just because we’re lucky enough to be in a free “democratic” progressive (to a certain extent!) country.
I know my parents - especially my Dad - appreciates the guesture. It might be a little old fashion for the modern times we live in but I think it’s a great tradition. I don’t feel like it is taking anything away from my independence but creating a better bond of respect with my parents and fiance.
I should have added asking for their blessing in my post…not so much permission. oops!
@tinybride: That is such a great story!
We never talked about this because I am not really close with my Family. The day I got engaged I called my Dad and told him and he was like I already know. He asked for my blessing…I was so shocked and I thought it was sweet of him. I know I am not close with my Family but it showed me that he put alot of thought into it. He talked to my Dad at my Brother’s BDay a week before the day we got engaged. Also I think it shows that he respects my family to ask them to join them. I can see how it can be offensive if you word it wrong.
My FI and I talked about that a lot before he proposed actually. My dad was dead set that my FI must ask for his (my dad’s) permission before we got engaged. I differed, and made that known to both my dad and my fiance. It was important to me that my FI ask for my family’s blessing, but I did not want him asking for permission. He needed (and got) my permission, but I wanted my family to give their blessing over our union.
even though i do support myself, i don’t mind it at all. it’s not like the boy and i didn’t discuss marriage at all beforehand. now if he went straight to my parents before discussing it with me, then we’d have some issues.
but i know it would mean a lot to both my parents and the boy if he asked for their blessing [which i think is completely different from permission]. and since i have no feelings either way, why not?
My fiance asked for my parent’s blessing and it went so well. I think that it’s not so much about me being handed over … rather it was a way of my parents and my fiance having something meaningful to share together. Now they have a heartfelt story to tell that I wasn’t there for … to me, that makes me feel even more like my fiance crossed the bridge from their daughter’s boyfriend, to being a part of their family
AWw how sweet! And yes my fiance talked to my dad…I dont think he asked but he told him that he was going to propose to me. It was on Father’s Day weekend last yr or the weekend after…but I was going out with my dad for Father’s Day and when he came to pick me up my fiance went outside to “talk” with him! And when I got in the car everything was normal…my dad acted like he didnt know a thing…(these are all the details I found out later!) Sweet huh!
My fiance asked for my parents’ blessing as well. I think its nice to show how important family is. I think its a sweet thing to do, but definitely *not* a requirement or really asking permission!
my FI sat down with my dad and “asked” for his blessing, which was important to both him and my dad. they then went upstairs and talked with my mom too. i thought it was so cute and appreciate that it was so important to my FI.
My fiance had to ask 3…count them THREE people for their blessings. He had to ask my mom, my younger brother and my pastor who is like the older brother I never had. My pastor is also who will be marrying us!
When my fiance asked me to marry him I of course said YES!, and then asked him what my dad said when he discussed it with him. His jaw dropped…he had asked his dad if he needed to ask my dad, his dad’s response was that it was old fashioned. My response was that I come from an old fashioned irish-catholic family. So, minutes after our engagement he was on the phone with my father. It turned out to be great though, because no one was expecting our engagement announcement. My mom giggled uncontrollably when we told her and literally didn’t stop laughing for days. So to answer your question, I love this tradition, but it was nice to twist it up a little for my own engagement.
My Mr. asked my dad and my parents were beyond thrilled! They felt like the Mr. really respected them and they loved to be in on the secret! He asked them a week before he asked me and my told me later that she was glad she was sick and couldn’t talk to me on the phone or else she may have given it away I also learned later that the Mr. had to have a drink and prep talk from his roommate because he was so nervous to make the call - hahah!
My fiance said that he thought about driving from Seattle to Portland to ask my mom. He decided against it because my mom would tell my sister, and my sister can not keep a secrets. He wanted everything to be a surprise and decided not to ask.
I have supported myself since I was 18 but it was MANDATORY that my FI ask my Dad for his blessing…as well as my 2 older brothers. I don’t care where the tradition came from - men or women - I like the tradition and it was very sweet of my FI to respect MY wishes and talk to my family.
I know my uncle was not asked by his daughter’s FI and, since then, they have had a very strained relationship and the marriage is going on 12 years.
And LatteLove - I think that is the first question I asked my FI after he propsed!!
I agree, to each their own, though. If you don’t want your FI to ask your dad/mom, good for you! If you do want your FI to ask your dad/mom, good for you! I think it is sad when people scoff at people who do want it - I think a lot of people who do like the tradition like it because it shows respect…not because throughout history it was to claim property, etc.
I am surprised so many people support this tradition. I would not want my father to be asked for permission to marry me. Blessing has too much of a religious connotation to it too, but that would definitely be better than asking for permission. Although in that case both parents should be asked. In fact, the boyfriend’s parents should be asked too, otherwise it is too one sided and does not make sense. Moreover I think in an egalitarian society the couple can show their respect for the parents by asking both sets of parents together. I am also kind of person, who thinks proposals are an outdated sexist tradition 
He did what Miss Star’s fiance did. I was actually sitting right there during the phone calls (my parents live 700 miles away) in case he needed any support (he was nervous!)
@MrsSl82be:
Great response! I was going to write something like this, but I couldn’t have articulated it better than you!
@Camrah: In that case, I agree with your fiancee! Good call if it would ruin the suprise!
@snake: I’m a little suprised, too Although I have to admit that it makes me smile to read all of these touching stories from everyone !
Mr. MJ asked my dad. My dad’s response was first that the decision was up to me, not him, but when he was pressed he gave an answer (Which was positive of course!) I thought it was a very sweet gesture to do, and my mom said my dad started getting excited/wanting to send me wedding ideas before I’d even been proposed to!
Yes, my FI ask my parents and I love that he did. It’s a very respectufl thing for the future SIL to do.
@Mrs. Quiche: I agree - the stories are nice. Just want to add that I am all pro people doing what they feel comfortable with, regardless of what my opinion on it is 
I think that it may be a silly tradition to some. But like all traditions, you must choose which ones have meaning. I don’t believe in doing something just because “that’s the way it has to be done”.
I didn’t think that anyone would be asked for a blessing as my mom had passed away and my 5 aunts just kept asking when we were going to get married.
My FI asked my great uncle for his blessing during a visit at Christmas. My uncle made a few jokes but seemed honored to be included in this. 9 months later he was able to propose. My uncle passed away a few months before the proposal and I’m so thankful that he was able to be involved in some small way.
He also asked my oldest nephew if it was okay to marry me. The nephew said “yes, can I live you two?”
Mr.Flamingo asked my dad for my hand in marriage. I found that such a nice gesture
I should have also added - my best friends now husband asked her 7 year old son for his permission He was so excited that they decided to do it right there in the living room, rather than what he had originally planned. I mean, how freakin’ CUTE is that?!
I am also surprised at how many people are in support of this tradition. But then again, I think most people do what their parents did or what was given as an expectation in their family. My father never deemed to be in control of my choice of boyfriends or relationships, and though he and my FI have a wonderful relationship, I think it would have been awkward for him to be asked if his adult daughter who did not live with him could get married.
I told my FI I didn’t want him to ask because I felt that this was a decision we were making as a couple, and though it would affect my family, the decision was ours to make. If he were to ask my father, what about my mother, who raised me and worked hard to do so? What about his parents - should I have asked them before I said yes? The entire concept undermines our ability to make our own choices - which makes sense since it comes from an out-dated concept of property and transactions. I am not property, nor is my FI and we weren’t being bartered. I said yes of my own free will and couldn’t be happier for it. Our families were happy for us and never once mentioned any concern about not being “consulted.”
@snake: totally agree, on all counts. if the groom is asking the bride’s parents for a “blessing”, the bride should be asking the groom’s parents for the same.
asking permission (for either partner) seems kind of insulting…
neither my husband or me asked anyone except each other.
I was completely against asking my parents for permission. I felt like it relegated women to property and I was an idependent, successful young woman. We came to the agreement that my parents, who are immigrants should at least be in on the action, so he would let them know his intention to marry me. I found out later that when he did talk to my parents (while I was away on business), he got so nervous and asked them for permission. He said he couldnt help it, even though they already knew why he was there.
I’m surprised I’m the only one who feels this way, but I would have been incredibly insulted if my FI had asked my parents for their permission and/or blessing.
No offense meant to those people who find positive meaning in this tradition. If it works for you, you should do it. But I personally feel it is really misogynistic. I don’t like the idea of other people, even if they are my parents, getting a say in this decision, or knowing that a proposal is going to happen before I do.
Luckily, my FI knows exactly how I feel about it, and agrees with me.
For me “Blessing” means that they are in support of the marriage and union and promise that we will be making to each other. It is not a barter. Not a permission. Not a “is it okay if I marry your daughter/sister”.
My family is EXTREMELY important to me and the FI knew how much so. Had it not be for family issues we would’ve been married years ago but we both chose to wait until the time when the FI was acccepted as family. This was important to me, to him, to US. Asking for their blessing and having them give it wholeheartedly, there is no better acceptance. Perhaps that is old fashioned? To want my family, who is very dear to me, welcome my fiance with open arms into our family?
Why did I never ask HIS family for their blessing? Because I already had it! =)
~Coming from a modern young professional woman!
But I guess the reader that said we all choose what we think is old fashioned tradition said it best. What you may think is just hokey pokey tradition is important to me for other reasons. What you think is important may be hokey pokey tradition to me.
I think the difference lies between “asking for permission” and just calling to let them know and you hope for their blessing. I never thought I’d want a guy to do that, but I thought it was kind of sweet that FI did. But it definitely wasn’t to ask for permission-more to just share the news before it happened.
my family is very small and tight-knit so it’s very important to me. i believe my fiance knew that if he hadn’t already had my mother’s permission then i could not have said yes. it doesn’t feel right to me to expand your family this way without providing the courtesy of “asking permission” from the folks.
maybe i’m traditional but i would expect the same for my future daughter’s suitor as well (hoping i have a girl anyway : )
I kind of wish Mr. P had done that, but he kept hush hush to everyone but himself about it.
BTW, you mentioned your mom’s dress (the one she wore to her wedding, right?) before…I LOVE IT! It’s perfect! And of course you are gorgeous. MORE PICS, MORE PICS!
This is just one of those things for me that screams brides-as-commodity. It’s a tradition that has its beginnings in economic negotiations about the bride’s worth, which is just a little insulting.
So no, he didn’t call my parents at all.
p.s. I should clarify. Regarding .@lala point, the asking for the blessing (versus permission) is sweet.
Mr.D asked for a blessing, but not permission. Though, it was more of a formality because even if he didn’t receive it we would have still gotten engaged. so….
It never occurred to me but my FI wanted to do it. I’m very feminist and it didn’t insult me I thought it was very sweet. He asked my parents out to lunch and drove an hour to do it. My parents never expected it and my dad said he almost wanted to say no to make him sweat a minute but in the end he was so nervous my dad said he wanted to put him out of his misery =) He asked about four months before he asked me so there were months of anticipation and excitement for my entire family. When he did it on a family vacation they all were like THANK GOD
I grew up in a very Southern family and I feel like Boyfriend Birdy *MUST* ask for a blessing before proposing! My father passed away after we started dating, but I think he will talk to my mom beause they get along really well and she loooves him!
@Miss D’orsay: Yeah, I hear ya It’s not like we WOULDN’T have gotten married if they had said “Um no, sorry.” (not that they would have at all, but you know what I mean). We would have said “okay, that’s nice” and said our I DO’s anyway!
I understand it is a personal decision. For me it was more about blessing the union, than permission, and it is more about my family welcoming FH. For me, my ultimate dream would have been for FH to ask my mom. However since she is gone, I actually requested that he ask a couple of people who might count as one of my mother. He asked my older sister, my cousin who has always been like my older brother, and my grandfather. All gave their complete and whole hearted blessing, and welcomed FH right into our little clan
I would’ve been ok either way. My brother-in-law asked my dad for permission, but my husband did not. Then again, my sister was 19 when they got engaged, while I was 30.
My husband didn’t tell anyone — not even his best friend or his mother. I liked that when he asked me, I was the first to know.
I think my dad appreciated it, and i mean it is not like he was going to say no. That said while I am a strong independent woman my family and I are very close and my DH had spent a conserable amount of time with them on holidays and vacations during the years we dated. I am glad he asked, I thought it was sweet. Also, my pops and DH will always have that special moment at the pub!!! (maybe some think that’s lame, but that’s cool…..I am sure I think many wedding traditions are lame that others don’t)
I think it really depends on what kind of relationship you have with your parents. I for one would have been very irritated if my fiance had asked my mother for permission. However, it is strictly based on the type of relationship that she and I have and I have never felt I needed her approval, permission, etc from her. To her it would have made her feel like she had some sort of say in what happens in our life and since I’m an adult and it’s he and I marrying. BUT I totally see the other side…if you have a great relationship, tight family…then I could see it being a sweet gesture etc.
You said exactly what I wanted to say, only better!
Plus, this way you get to break the exciting news to your parents!
It’s definately a dated tradition, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not meaningful. We talked about it and I want him to ask my mom (not my dad, but that’s another story) for her “blessing” not her permission. A blessing to me is his way of showing my mom that he respects her (and me) and wants to become part of the family. Asking permission is something that goes back to a time when girls were more of a burden to be unloaded to another family. I mean, really, if he asked for my hand in marriage and my mom said no, we would still get married. At least, that’s my take on it.
So cute, Quiche! The only ones who knew of Mr. Y’s intentions of proposing were Mama and Papa Yorkie. I love the story of him visiting Mama Y at lunchtime one day. She nervously kept putting food in front of him. Anxious to bring up the subject, he just kept eating. Then once he finally did bring it up, Mama Y couldn’t stop smiling and bouncing in her chair. :o)
It meant a lot to me (and them!) that he sought their blessing in advance.
I think this is an outdated tradition, but I understand why so many people think it’s a nice way to involve their parents. What I find really strange is that most of the fiance’s above asked the dad — most women I know are closer to their mothers than their fathers, so asking the father seems very old-fashioned and sexist. Asking both of the parents (or even the siblings/children) makes more sense to me.
I love this tradition. I’m close to both of my parents so it was important to me that he asked both of them, not just my Dad. What’s funny is I was having a terrible day the day he went over to ask them and he wouldn’t answer his phone when I called to vent - I was so annoyed, especially wouldn’t explain why he’d been ignoring me! We have a picture from right after the proposal of my face when he told me when he went to talk to them and finally explained why he couldn’t answer his phone.
@Mrs. Perfume: Yes, that is the dress she wore to her wedding! It worked out so well
My FI asked both of my parents for their blessing and I am so happy that he did. I know that it meant a lot to my parents, just like it did to me.
I think this, like everything else related to weddings, is a personal thing. Traditions like these are extremely important to some, not so much to others. Personally, I don’t have an overwhelmingly great relationship with my dad and would have felt awkward had my husband asked him, especially as I’ve been independent for a long time. A permission or a blessing felt unnecessary after 10 years of dating and 5 years of living together. That said, I think it’s sweet for the right people and the right circumstances.
My FI didn’t so much ask for my parents’ permission as much as he just told them that he was planning to ask me to marry him. I totally caught on, too, because we were all at a wedding, and FI kept trying to talk to my dad alone, and my mom kept looking at me all affectionately and teary-eyed. But of course, I thought that meant that he would propose in the next few months - not the very next morning!
I think the whole idea is just to give the family a little heads up, to make them feel included in this big life event. I think it’s a sign of respect to let the parents know that you are planning on joining their family!
When I was 6 and my brother was 4, my now-stepdad asked our “permission” to marry my mom (just like your friend Quiche)! It was such a special way to make us feel included in the decision to add him to our family.
Mr. K spoke with my mom and both of my dads before he proposed, and I know it meant the world to them. Every family is different, and some parents might feel downright uncomfortable having the conversation, but I know that many parents just appreciate the gesture.
I don’t think I would have felt insulted, but it most likely would have annoyed me if fiance had asked my parents for permission to marry me. I mean, I’m the one marrying him, not my parents, therefore the decision falls on me, not them. So no, he didn’t ask, and I’m glad he didn’t. And even if he had wanted to ask my dad, he couldn’t have because they don’t speak the same language, lol.
I think it’s sweet but a little dated. Mr. Joey asked for my parents blessing after he asked me.
Mr. December did indeed ask for permission to marry me, and we all approved. I don’t think of it so much as me being my dad’s property, but I do believe in husbands being the head of the household, and since I never went out and formed my own household before marrying (I lived in dorms or with a few other girls in the upstairs of a family home during school, moved back with my parents in the summer, mostly for money reasons), it seemed appropriate that I be passed from the PROTECTION (not possession) of one household leader to another.
That’s also why it was clear that my dad “gave me away” at the wedding — again, not as property, but as a precious daughter that he had taken the responsibility for protecting and taking care of, and now he relinquished that responsibility to my husband.
My fiance asked my dad for his blessing, but it was just to be polite, since clearly he was going to propose regardless of what my Dad said! (My dad was excited too.) We’d been dating for 6 years before getting engaged and both my parents were fully aware of our plans to marry, so I thought it was sweet that my fiance went out of his way to talk to my dad about it before popping the question.
I agree it’s outdated and not necessary, but it’s a nice gesture!
I had actually requested that I be the only person in our “circle” to know about the engagement — and wanted it to be a surprise for me! So, Mr. Bruschetta and I had the joy of sharing our news together and in-person with our immediate family members. I loved that and wouldn’t have done it any other way!
My hubby got my dad’s cell phone number out of my cell phone one night while I was sleeping and called him two days before to ask. I think it was so sweet! My dad didn’t tell my mom so she was just as surprised as me on the day of proposal.
My husband asked my dad. He went the traditional way on that one. I loved it!
My ‘rents aren’t exactly the asking type. At all. If Mr. Sushi would have even attempted to ask my dad, he (my dad) would’ve either laughed or would’ve said that I can make up my own decisions. LoL. My family is far from traditional.
I think it’s sweet if your family is that type. Mine really isn’t and my parents would be like “Wtf? Why are you asking me, ASK HER.” So while it’s cute, it just wouldn’t be appreciated by my family as much as it would for someone else.
I love to hear that someone did it though. I always, always go “awwwww”.
Awww, I love the teaser pic! Can’t wait to see more!
Mr. G had dinner with both my parents (I was away at grad school), and asked for their blessing. They already knew his intentions to ask me the “big question”, but he wanted to formally talk with them about it. I think it’s a sweet tradition, and shows respect and love for the bride’s parents. I also think the whole idea of it being an insult is a little extreme. But that’s just me!
Mine asked for their blessing, and then begged my mom to help him pick out the ring. Silly man was so scared he would pick something I didn’t like, but was even more nervous about asking me to go shopping with him.
LOL– why so insulted that other people might be insulted? I’d be insulted if my fiance asked permission as I’ve been on my own for a while now… sorry.
Our family is far from traditional, and had the FI asked my parents for permission, they would have laughed, and told him to ask me. I think it’s a cute tradition for the right family, but I would have cringed had my guy done it. For us, it just doesn’t fit.
my fiance asked my parents! my mom was so happy. he also asked his own parents for their blessing.
I really don’t care either way — I see both sides of the issue. My father, on the other hand, is in some ways a stronger feminist than I. I told my fiance that he was in no way to ask my father permission to marry me, because my father would be kinda insulted and wonder why this guy does not think that I have the ability to make these decisions myself.
This ended up being the good way to go, as my dad was so incredibly pleased that FH did not ask him for my hand in marriage. As he put it, I’m the one marrying FH — not my dad.
My mother would have been incredibly offended by that, honestly. I would have as well because it would have been a HUGE red flag showing he didn’t know me well at all. I’ve been independent and supporting myself for far too long for something like that to matter.
My fiancé asked my dad, but it was mostly for my dad’s benefit. I would never have made him do it, I can’t think of many things more awkward to do, but his dad hadn’t asked his mom’s father and regretted it, just because it was “the right thing to do.” I knew my dad would appreciate it, plus it gave my fiancé the opportunity to tell my dad how much he cared about me.
Do I think it’s necessary? No. For me, I can’t imagine saying yes to someone who asked me without talking to me about getting married or proposing. Although, if it had been my fiancé, I probably would have said yes by the second week I knew him.
Yes, the tradition is out-dated and seems condescending from a feminist perspective and honestly when I was younger the idea of asking *anyone* other me would have infuriated me. But now that I’m older (30), I realize how much it meant to my Dad. Now, I love the idea that we have my parents full support and well-wishes. Making my Dad so happy means much more to me than the tradition itself OR bucking the tradition. To me, it was a small guesture that FI could do for my parents and I love the he felt the same as I did about
Either way is fine with me - if my guy asks my dad, cool. If he doesn’t - it’s all good.
Mr. Cloud met with my parents and asked for their permission before as well. I never said he had do, but I did think it was cute
Also, will you pretty pretty pretty please post more pics! I just can’t wait!!
it shows respect and i love it! i can’t believe someone would actually be insulted!
It was important to me that my fiance talk to my parents before he proposed. It wasn’t about getting their permission. It was about tradition. I understand that not every tradition is right for everyone, but this was right for us. He asked for their blessing of our marriage and life together, and they of course gave it to him!
I think it’s cute. I prefer the idea of asking for their “blessing” rather than permission, but it’s the same general idea.
Of course, it depends on the individual. I happen to be SUPER tight with my family and their opinion and inclusion really matters to me. If the proposee is not close with his/her family it might not make as much sense.
I’m very practical about most things wedding related, but to me the engagement is the part that still holds the old-fashioned, fairy-tale appeal. Kind of goes with the whole idea of a man surprising a woman with a proposal to begin with.
My fiance asked my dad, mom, both sisters and at least some of my aunts/uncles and cousins if they minded if he joined the family. I always thought that I WOULDN’T want whoever I married to ask but realized that I did actually. It’s not just us, he’s joining the whole family. That, and my mom was so touched that he talked to her first she cried.
I love the idea of asking a dad for “permission”, and I always hoped that someone would ask my father for my hand in marriage. I always thought it was very thoughtful and romantic.
My FI asked my father even before he bought the ring, and then proposed to me and told me about asking my dad. It made it that much more special
No doubt it’s outdated, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a lovely tradition. As long as the guys are doing all the asking, they often inform their own parents, so it only makes sense to inform the girls’ parent too. “Permission” is definitely falling out of favor, “blessing” is definitely easier to swallow.
I’m surprised so many fiances in the comments asked for blessing/permission when nowadays it seems many couples are already living together before they get engaged, perhaps even living in a completely different state from the parents. My fiance popped a surprise proposal, so I was the first to know, and I liked calling my parents and telling them. My fiance barely knows my parents, even though I’m very close to them, so it would be weird for him to have called them first.
[...] Asking for Your Hand… by Mrs. Quiche [...]
When my boyfriend and I decided to start dating, he told me he wanted to talk to my father.
“Um…hello?” I thought. “What do my parents have to do with this?”
I do
(Bah! Outsmarted by the internet!)
Anyway…
I do think that it’s okay to include families in major decisions, but that ultimately the decision needs to be between US. WE are the couple. WE decide things TOGETHER. I am not a child, I am not simply a “daughter” or a “sister” or a “girlfriend” or even a potential “wife.” I am a PERSON. And as a person, I want to intelligently discuss and make a decision with this other person that I love.
Yes, it will affect our families. So to include them in some way (whether by asking for “blessing” or simply letting them in on the surprise) is a nice gesture. For example, my boyfriend wound up drafting an e-mail to my parents, letting them know that he and I had decided to start dating, and introducing himself and his intentions to be good to me. I proofed it before he sent it. Again, it was fine, a nice gesture, but the whole entire thing has never made THAT much sense to me.
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Mrs. Quiche, Chicago/Montego Bay
Age and Occupation: 28, Interior Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 42, Telecom Guru
Engagement Date: July 2, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Venue: Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay
About Me: I love Chicago and can’t imagine living anywhere else (Well, except Paris. Or anywhere in France, for that matter!). I’m a full-time worker, part-time student, soon-to-be-step-mom, indie music lovin’, architecture and design fanatic, macaroni and cheese addict, vegetarian, Francophile, Ohio State football obsessed, wedding planning girl. Mr. Quiche and I are “Partners-in-Crime” and cannot wait to celebrate our marriage surrounded by our family and closest friends. I plan on DIYing my little heart out (or as much as a suitcase to Jamaica will hold).
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