Spinning My Wheels

Spinning My Wheels

July 14th, 2009 @ 5:05 pm by Mrs. Bear Cub
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This is not the easiest post for me to write. It means I need to be honest with you about myself - honest about my faults.

With less than two months before Mr. Bear Cub and I are back in Portland, I feel like I don’t know what to do. Oh yes, I know there are tasks that need to be taken care of - check up on the finalization of the invites, write our ceremony, learn our dance, pick some more key songs, do something substantial about the tables, pin down the menu… It just doesn’t feel like I’m getting anywhere with anything. As much as I try to fight it, I have one incredibly awful quality to my character. I crumble under stress.

It’s worse when the list of to-dos is longer. I physically can’t function with the thought of an insurmountable task list. And if I don’t know how to do some of the things on the list? (Um, hello, white vs. ivory??) My motor skills begin to shut down. The only way I’ve found to “reboot” from this mess is to take a nap. Everything’s always better when you have a new day to attack things, right? I’m well aware that this is not a productive way to deal with my stress. It’s just a Band-Aid, and it’s not helping me take care of wedding tasks.

The killer in this vicious cycle is I don’t actually know what I can cross off the list at this point.

The upshot to my counter-productive stress management is that when I break inertia - when I force myself to finish things on my to-do list - I turn into a steamroller of productivity.

So, believe me, I would love to screw inertia right now. Unfortunately, it feels like all my wedding plans are still theoretical. Even if I “decide” on something for the wedding, it’s just an email drop in the bucket. All my “plans” feel like a nebulous cloud of dancing wedding-plum fairies. Mean wedding-plum fairies that are spitting stale fondant turds at me. Maybe this is a result of planning (what actually is) a destination wedding?

All of this theoretical planning is making the wedding planning process very tedious, and very un-fun. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels here! Ninety percent of my wedding tasks involve sending emails, so I never see the fruits of my labor. And without actually seeing any progress, without the wedding plans being real and tactile, it feels like items on our to-do list are never going to disappear. That’s my largest source of stress right now, and I don’t like it. My afternoon “reboot” nap is a daily temptation.

Am I crazy to plan my US wedding from South America? Sometimes I daydream about putting the wedding off for a few years, and hosting it at our future home in Oregon. (A wedding at home! How wonderful! )

How are you dealing with the stress of planning your wedding? Was the planning process still fun a few months before the wedding? Destination brides, what’s your technique for finishing your wedding tasks? What should I be doing at 2 months?

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30 Responses to “Spinning My Wheels”

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Bee

Mrs. Bunny (message) 349 posts, Helper bee

Oh man, Bearcub! I totally feel you on this. I’m at that point in unpacking our new place where it’s all just too overwhelming and I freeze up.

I was at that point on wedding planning too on Tuesday of the week of the wedding. Then my best friend showed up and kept me in line BAM BAM BAM! We started crossing things off the list! It was a crazy wedding week, but everything got done!

Do you have someone in your life who can help keep on on track like that?

7/14/09 @ 5:21 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss French Bulldog (message) 7,730 posts, Bee Keeper

I have 40ish days left and I have SO MUCH to do! It is so overwhelming that I don’t know where to start :-/ I can’t imagine planning from so far away.

7/14/09 @ 5:22 pm (reply)

Member

365 (message) 238 posts, Helper bee

I have no idea what you should be doing, as I’m still a little more than a year out, but I know how you feel. Even though I’m this far out, I can’t pinpoint anything I’ve actually finished. I’ve got ideas, and I’ve e-mailed them to my FI but it just seems so hard to put it all together.

Hopefully it gets easier (and I’m sure it does, or the hive wouldn’t even exist)!

7/14/09 @ 5:22 pm (reply)

Guest

lara bee

I hit a point of everything being no fun too… you’ll get past it. Is there a way you can have vendors send pictures, or finalize documents, etc?
One thing that helps me is crossing things off - once they are done and final. Good luck!

7/14/09 @ 5:23 pm (reply)

Member

cfitz621 (message) 169 posts, Blushing bee

So not an answer to your question but “mean wedding-plum fairies that are spitting stale fondant turds at me” made me laugh out loud! That’s quite the image!

7/14/09 @ 5:23 pm (reply)

Guest

lou

You know the main thing I was thinking when I read this? Where’s your fiance?!

I’m sure he is helping, but you need to make sure that you both work on this together - talk to him about how much this is stressing you out, and put a plan together of how you can both deal with what needs to be done.

And the only other advice I can give you, is just take things one at a time. Try blocking off your To Do list so you only have to deal with what needs doing this month, or this week, or just today. It was the only thing that kept me sane when I was 3 months out.

7/14/09 @ 5:38 pm (reply)

Hostess

Miss Burgundy (message) 1,426 posts, Bumble bee

Thanks for writing this post! I really find it interesting because unlike you, I’m one of those people that totally slacks off and doesn’t really know what to do with myself unless I’m actually under stress! Like right now my wedding plans are barely being glued together 10 months or so out, but when it gets down to 2 months I know I’ll have everything really nailed down!
Good luck! Your wedding is so going to be amazing, and I always love reading about it!

7/14/09 @ 5:39 pm (reply)

Member

hunterstorme (message) 115 posts, Blushing bee

Wow, I feel like you wrote this post from my brain!

I am planning a US wedding from Switzerland and I love the email drop in the bucket image. That’s precisely it! The way I try to handle it is to make VERY specific to-do lists with lots of dates - and lots of drawings! There are lots of things, such as escort cards, I can’t do until I get to the US (3 weeks before the wedding, gulp) and I try to draw pictures and plan a few different things so that when I get there I have a concrete game plan! This is due to the material lack, just like you in Chile, believe it or not! Switzerland is not a haven for the crafty, at least not American-style crafty.

Also I try to think of it this way - I’m planning a huge, awesome party, unlike anything I’ve ever done before, and it’s just FUN to plan all these things! It only happens once - enjoy it! Also, if you have to bake/nap/have a run in order to get going - by all means, do it! Work you do after a reboot is much more productive than trying to push through the day and do planning that you don’t want to do. The time you spend napping is made up by how good you feel afterward and how much you can get done productively then.

But I totally know how you feel and with about 55 days to go I am starting to feel the pressure much more! Also my florist has been MIA for three weeks, but that’s a whole ‘nother story…

7/14/09 @ 5:43 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Kitten (message) 868 posts, Busy bee

I know exactly how you feel, Miss BC! Planning a destination wedding is so hard because you can’t get your hands on a lot of those tangible projects that make you feel like you’ve accomplished something!

I had a crazy long list of to-do’s and just decided that I would focus on one thing at a time so that I didn’t get too overwhelmed. Even though it doesn’t seem like it, there are things you can do now. You can settle all the music stuff, arranging playlists, etc. You can get the materials you need for any DIY projects (by ordering online and having them shipped to your parents’ house, or by having a loved one in the states go out and by them for you). That way they are waiting for you when you get here. Get the timeline for your wedding day started, so you only have to tweak it a few days before the wedding. Any instructions you have for vendors or the wedding party–you can nail that down now. Now is the time to start making decisions, so just force yourself to make them! Enlist the help of others if you need it. If you can accomplish as much as possible before you get back to the states it will make your wedding week much more enjoyable–I promise!

7/14/09 @ 5:47 pm (reply)

10.

Member

missmck (message) 126 posts, Blushing bee

Although I’m not doing a destination wedding, I am about two months out as well and feel the same lack of progress. I worked on wedding things all weekend and didn’t get one thing crossed off!

I’m trying to be positive and tell myself that while it may not feel like I’m getting much accomplished, I am still DOING things, and that it will all come together…

7/14/09 @ 5:54 pm (reply)

11.

Bee

Miss Spaniel (message) 6,792 posts, Bee Keeper

To be honest, I’m not dealing with the stress very well. I’ve developed numerous weird bumps on my hands that I’m nearly certain are all stress-related (the last time this happened, I was trying to decide where to go to grad school). And my wedding, while it may be in a destination location for a lot of people, is only about an hour’s drive from me.

7/14/09 @ 5:55 pm (reply)

12.

Bee

Miss Bear Cub (message) 1,566 posts, Bumble bee

@lou: Mr. Bear Cub is here, and he’s a dream when he can help. The problem is that he’s super swamped at work for the next few months. He has to write 2 grant proposals that, if funded, will ensure he has a job next year. He’s stressing a bit more than me…

7/14/09 @ 6:13 pm (reply)

13.

Guest

lou

@Miss Bear Cub:
Oh no, that’s a shame.

(hope you didn’t take from my post that I was implying Mr BC wasn’t pulling his weight - it was more a case of don’t put it all on your shoulders!)

In that case, I go back to my second piece of advice - split up those to do lists! I actually found it easier to split up tasks into manageable pieces, even if it made my list longer! For example, ‘make invitations’ is quite a daunting task, but ‘buy card’, ‘think of wording’, ‘print and cut’ … those are quite manageable.

[anyone remember when Chandler in Friends was freaking out about getting married? I like Ross's advice ... "You can take a shower, right? Nothing scary about that. And putting on a tux is easy ..." ]

7/14/09 @ 6:21 pm (reply)

14.

Bee

poodle (message) 3,387 posts, Sugar bee

Aww Miss BC, I’m so sorry!! Too bad that we don’t live close enough or I could try to help you! but you know I’ll be glad to

I can’t really give advice on this area cause I’m right there with you, but at least I can send you a *hug*

7/14/09 @ 6:23 pm (reply)

15.

Member

Emgettingmarried (message) 42 posts, Newbee

Bearcub, I was exactly the same way two months out–I felt like there was some much to be done but I couldn’t figure out how to do it! Now I’m 2.5 weeks out (WHOA!!!) and things have really only begun to come together in the last week or so. I hope you’ll find like I did that when you get down to the wire, things just get themselves done!

7/14/09 @ 6:57 pm (reply)

16.

Member

Charm bracelet (message) 1,935 posts, Buzzing bee

I think that you’ll find most brides are in your boat. I a bride ISN’T freaking out about her to-do list it isn’t normal. Just know that it will all come together…and in the mean time go take a nap. ( I love the fact that you’re a bear cub, ’cause bear cubs do take lots of naps.)

7/14/09 @ 7:21 pm (reply)

17.

Member

karina85 (message) 177 posts, Blushing bee

Miss Cub, sorry to break the seriousness of this post, but I thought it was really funny how you used physics-y terms to describe everything in this post!

7/14/09 @ 7:22 pm (reply)

18.

Guest

Lia

Bear Cub,

I just went back and re-read all of your amazing posts. When I read your mini bio I realized that you are getting married at Camp Westwind…amazing! I attended Westwind for many years as a kid. It is the most magical and beautiful place I have ever experienced. How amazing…I didn’t even know that people could get married there. I grew up in Portland but moved to Miami, FL (now go to college in Gainesville…Go Gators!) in high school. I haven’t been back to Westwind (or the Oregon coast at all) in years. I miss it terribly. I really can’t handle the rain in the NW though so I know that Florida really is the right place for me.

Anyway I can’t wait for you to make such amazing memories at Westwind. Hiking to High Meadow used to be one of my favorite parts of camp…talk about an amazing view.

I’ll be thinking about you in August when I am in Oregon for a quick trip…I might even make it to Cannon Beach…I hope.

Looks like your wedding is going to be just beautiful…awesome job!

7/14/09 @ 8:30 pm (reply)

19.

Guest

Elizabeth

Hi Miss BC,
Just wanted to say that ‘I feel your pain’ — we are planning a wedding in a city other than ours, too, and it just feels so far away and abstract sometimes! No fun. I keep wondering if I might have enjoyed it more had I been living in the place where I was planning it…things just seem like they would be progress in a more natural way without the whole we’ll-buy-it-when-we-get-there or how-will-we-transport-X issue. E-mailing with vendors just totally saps my energy, and some days I feel like I can’t get motivated to do it.

Yeah, anyway, I think it’s natural to feel down about your wedding sometimes…of course it’s an awesome party, but it’s also a lot of work and pressure. So give yourself that break and I’m sure things will look easier. The best part of wedding planning so far for me has happened after we were on vacation, and I just came back thinking — who cares about the flowers? Or this little detail or that thing? And it really helped to come back to it all with the attitude that none of it was necessary, all of it was just for fun…and the main focus should be on the people there.

The things that have helped me the most practically are to ‘give away’ tasks to helpful friends and family, to simplify (mentally) my picture of what needs to happen (i.e. drop the detail-oriented approach to planning), and just have more faith that we can improvise something together as the time gets closer. Lots of luck to you and Mr. BC!

7/14/09 @ 9:16 pm (reply)

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