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Mr. GB and I are that couple. That couple that your kids love to see because our house is filled to the brim with candy and has all the coolest toys. We buy kids whatever they want, spoil them rotten, and then send them home pouting and saying “but THEY let me do _____!! How come you’re not as cool as they are!?” Mr. GB claims he’s going to designate a wall in our house as the “art” wall, where he’ll let the kids draw all over it and send them home with the supplies to make art at their own house. Wrong wrong wrong!
However, we don’t want children of our own. It comes as a shock to most of our friends and family, and they’ve been hearing it for years, but still believe we’ll change our mind. We have our reasons - usually we like to lightheartedly say, “Can you imagine Mr. GB’s huge nose on my tiny featured face? We can’t have children knowing they’d have to go through life with a face like that!” Sometimes I say, “Because it hurts. A lot.” But honestly, we have many real reasons for our decision, many of which are easily dismissed with “just wait, you’ll come around.”
As we’ve been married longer and more people around us are having kids, most of our friends don’t bother; they figure it’ll happen eventually. But strangers/people we’re not as close to think there is actually something psychologically, emotionally wrong with me. I’m a soul-less monster and a disgrace as a woman for not wanting children. I should be handing in my vagina and resigning. They have even taken it as an attack on them that we don’t want children; they get defensive and angry.
I’m still young, they say, and it’s true. I’m not yet 30, but I’ve known for a long time that this is what I want. Mr. GB also agrees with me; he doesn’t want children and he’s happy being that guy with the cool stuff.
Other than flailing about and yelling “My uterus! My decision!” I’m at a loss as to what to say anymore. Mr. GB and I support and are genuinely excited for our friends who have kids or want them. But how do we get people to even just accept our decision, even if they don’t agree or understand, and just trust that we know what is best for us?
I want kids one day so I cannot give you any advice on what to say to the incredibly rude & prying (or genuinely curious) people who question your personal decisions. Bravo for being open and honest with this choice!
And even though I want children one day, that day is far into the future after I’m relatively done being selfish with the goals I want to achieve before parenthood. I’m already dreading the “when are you having kids” question that naturally follows any wedding. “Um, when I’ve finished growing up and have determined that I am financially and emotionally stable enough to have them! K, thx.” 
just say that you can’t have children. if someone is prying enough to ask, that should probably shut them up.
I was going to suggest.. burst in to tears! That’d make them think twice next time they try to force their reproductive opinions on others!!
Good for you for knowing what you want/don’t want to do with your life. My bestfriend doesn’t want kids. She loves them and is great with them but doesn’t want them. No, like many of your friends have assumed with you, she could change her mind. I doubt she will. She’ll be the Auntie that spoils mine rotten. Just like you do. I say you’re right. Your body, your choice. No one elses. So screw ‘em. ;o)
I’ve always planned on saying we couldn’t have children. I actually plan on having kids someday in the not all that distant future, but it’s such an incredibly rude question that I think people who ask it deserve to be embarrassed (and having someone tell you something that sad when you ask what you thought was an innocent question? very embarrassing).
Say to them the same thing you would say to anyone sticking their nose into your life and your decisions, be it bridesmaid bouquets or babies … none of your business!
Ok, you might want to tone it down slightly, maybe to something like “that’s a matter between me and my husband”, but whatever you do, don’t feel guilty about saying it. No-one, and I mean NO-ONE has a right to question the decisions that you make in your marriage. They are the ones that should be embarrassed.
I had one very many years ago, at a very young age. While I love her madly, I have no desire, not now, not ever, to have any more. I know FI would have one if I wanted to, but I had to made it clear that it would not be with me. Now he is on board, and just knowing that we agree on that is good for us.
If you don’t want them, don’t have them, and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. It’s frankly quite rude of them to ask. It’s a personal decision, and a HUGE one at that. None of their business.
I was pretty much going to say the same thing lou said. Sorry, ppl can be so rude!
People have no right to ask you questions about your reproductive life– just like Mrs. Bee explained earlier this week for other reasons. I think it’s good to remember this even with close friends and family– I’ve seen several friends put on the spot by someone they were close to. no matter what– it’s a matter for the couple involved, no one else.
Say that you can’t (it’s emotionally true, right?)… It’ll keep them from asking and you in the clear
I think the most ridiculous response/suggestion we heard was “as soon as I get a windowless van.” Which is in bad taste, but it’s funny!
My grandparents keep threatening to die if I don’t. Talk about guilt.
i have the same problem. i tell people OVER AND OVER how we feel (my husband even had a vasectomy, so we are very serious about it) and almost everyone i talk to says “oh well, you’re young, you’ll change your mind”/”you never know what might happen”/”he can get his vasectomy reversed, you know”/etc. it’s like…really? did i ask for any of that advice? why do YOU want me to have kids so much? YOU’RE not me or my husband! and i’ve also gotten the “uhh…something must be psychologically wrong with you” type looks/conversations. “but you’d be such a good mom!” but i don’t WANT to be, so why does it matter whether i would or not? RAWR!!!
so no advice from me, just sympathy.
Amen, sister! I get the whole “you’ll change your mind” thing constantly, especially from people who don’t know me very well. Seriously? How on earth do you know I’ll change my mind about one of the most important decisions I’ll ever make?! GRR. Or, “your child will be the greatest joy in your life”. Eff you, friend! Double grr.
I have found that consistency and harsh reasons not to reproduce will eventually wear most people down. When I go through my entire litany of reasons (I don’t want to be pregnant, I don’t want to go through labor or delivery, I don’t want to breastfeed, I don’t want to raise a child, I don’t want to have to potty train, I don’t want to choose schools, I don’t want to put a car seat in my car everytime I go anywhere, I don’t want to worry every day for the rest of my life, I want my happiness/greatest joy to come from myself not another person, I don’t want to deal with whining, I don’t want the responsibility, I just plainly don’t want a child, and so on), most people get overwhelmed with the amount of arguing they would have to do and give up. That is my best suggestion. 
I truly do not understand why people care so much that I reproduce. At this point, I will never have children out of spite. (I am Scottish, I can hold a grudge like nobody’s business.) Also, I honestly would not suggest lying about your fertility; it just invites a lot of suggestions and whatnot on ways to work around that. And people suggesting their mortality rests on your future children–well, I would say, “I will be so sad when you are gone, let’s try to focus on having a really nice time together while we still can!”
I’m right there with you sister. I am 30 years old, fiance is turning 30 next month and we still get told that we’ll change our minds. For 30 years I have never wanted kids but they know me better then I know myself and know I will change my mind.
I’ve actually been told by someone I barely know that I’m selfish person and to her I said yes you’re right I am selfish, I’m not sharing my money with a kid, I’d rather buy shoes. Nobody cares about the multiple very good reasons why neither of us want to have kids so I now just give snotty comments in hopes they’ll leave me alone (because they never bother the fiance just me). Anyway…I feel your pain! :p
So bizarre. If you want children, they are a great joy. But even then they are SO MUCH WORK!!!!! Why would anyone try to get you to have kids if you don’t want them? Except your parents of course, who just want grandchildren…
@liz: I find it astounding that people would actually go as far as to consider reversing the vasectomy a possibility. The fact that he got one should have made things loud and clear. They’re really grasping in desperation. No one says I’d be a good mom, even Mr. GB says he’d feel sorry for any kids that had me as a mother. I’m totally nuts. HA!
Sorry people are so rude about prying into your biz so much! I totally respect and get that not everybody wants their own kids. Not everyone’s a cat person, not everyone’s a dog person. Why should kids be any different? Except that they grown in ya, obviously. Just tell them “you’re just jealous you don’t get to spend your money traveling the world” because secretly, that is kinda true. All that money that goes to baby clothes could be saved up for some sweeeeet vacations, and you’ll have the best of the best vacays!
Your uterus, your decision, lol =]
I actually do want children, but people asking me when we are going to have kids makes me not want to have them just out of spite.
Sounds healthy right?
My favorite response to the question, “When are you having children?”
“Next Thursday.”
You shouldn’t have the guilt, it’s your choice, not theirs. If they have to pry into your life, they should be the ones feeling bad. Some people are just unbelievable. So what if you two decided you don’t want kids? Children aren’t for everyone.
The people in your life should just be grateful enough to accept the fact that you’re a great aunt/friend to their children and be done with it.
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Mrs. Gummi Bear, San Francisco Age and Occupation: 25, Japanese Importer/Illustrator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Game Developer/Programmer Engagement Date: April 15, 2006 Wedding Date: October 13, 2007 Blogging Since: June 19, 2007 Venue: Organic farm an hour from San Francisco About Me: I live for anthropologie, design blogs, sweets, japanese zakka, and vintage goods. We just bought our first home together and live with our two puppies and cat - it's a strange mixture of vintage, high-tech (we have 7 computers and 21 video game systems in all), and a whole lot of fur. Our wedding tries to embody the Japanese idea of "slow life", which is truly taking the time to enjoy food, company, and your environment!
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