Wedding Blog
Steve Martin is not my dad, but he’s seems like such a sweetie in this movie.
I’ve never seen “Father of the Bride”, and I should not be admitting that as a wedding blogger, should I? 
I don’t really know how to begin this post, as it is intensely personal for me. My relationship with my dad is not really a strong one. While my dad is a nice guy, we are not close. He has not played a major role in my life. He and Mommy Swan never got married, and Mommy Swan has been my parent, both mother and father.
I have always been pretty nonchalant about my dad and our relationship.
We speak several times throughout the year, but I would not say that I share my hopes, fears and dreams with him. I don’t call him when I need a shoulder to cry on; our conversations are pretty much about regular everyday things. It also doesn’t help that he lives in the Caribbean, so there is a certain amount of physical distance between the two of us that already adds to the distance in our relationship.
When it comes to wedding planning, I have always been a bit jealous of brides who gush about having their fathers walk them down the aisle and can’t wait to have the father/daughter dance at the wedding. That’s not necessarily me. It’s been hard trying to figure out how to walk a fine line between wanting to include my dad out of respect and wanting to also recognize that our relationship is not necessarily a traditional one. It has made for some planning conundrums for me. Does my dad walk me down the aisle with Mommy Swan? Does he stand with Mommy Swan as the rest of our immediate families will during the ceremony? Do we do a father/daughter dance with the requisite tender emotional song? All of this got to me so much that I kinda broke down and cried visiting Mommy Swan one afternoon.
There’s already so much emotion fraught with weddings because they are so public. I usually don’t have to display my relationship with my dad for all to see, and now I do. How have I decided to handle this? Well, my dad lives in the Caribbean, so it’s still not clear that he will make it to the wedding. We’re hoping so. The plan is that he’ll walk me down the aisle with my mom, and we’ll have a parent dance together with Mr. Swan and FMIL Swan. I think this will be a good way of incorporating him into the wedding in a way that I’ll feel comfortable with.
Have interesting family dynamics influenced your wedding planning?
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That sounds like a great plan. Walking down the aisle towards marriage had a very significant meaning to me for my wedding. I didn’t want anyone to “give me away”, I really hate that term BTW. So my husband and I met at the sanctuary entrance and walked down the aisle together after the wedding party were in their position. It felt perfect and right.
miss swan….my parents are married and we live in the same house and i still have a rocky relationship with my dad. at one point i didnt even want him to be at the wedding. after my mom pleading i finally gave in but adjusted the “traditional father-daughter” themes. Like you i’m having my mom walk with me and my dad. and i’m just nixing the whole father-daughter dance. dont want to get upset or turn into mess on the happiest day of my life. i get jealous too when i see how other girls have great relationships with their dads but i’ve accepted it and am really happy that i have a great relationship with my mom. dont fret…..we’re going to have great husbands that will make up that void. aren’t we just lucky!
I hear ya’ Miss Swan! A wedding can be a very public place that puts family dynamics at center stage, so what happens if your family dynamics are less than perfect? It sounds like you came up with a satisfactory solution in your case. My fiance’s parents had a very nasty divorce about 20 years ago and they haven’t spoken since. Our wedding will be the first time that they will have to be in a room together (other than a court room!) in over 20 years. We are definitely nervous, and we’re still trying to figure out what sort of setup at our wedding will cause the least drama and keep everyone reasonably happy.
We have similar circumstances–my left when I was 5 and came back into my life about 5-6 years ago. I am having him walk down the aisle with my mother–though we are not doing the traditional dances. Mom doesn’t really want him to walk, but I think it’s a nice gesture and doesn’t take away from the fact that she raised me–everyone there (on my side) knows the truth.
Miss Swan, I could have written this post myself. Every single word you just wrote (except for the part about him living in the Caribbean) mirrors my life/relationship/situation. In fact, I just wrote a post on the boards about my dad issues and how/if I should go about asking him to financially contribute to our wedding.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/father-issue
Ugh..it sucks so much. Now that I know this about you, don’t be surprised if I PM you sometime soon.
As for my wedding, I’m planning on doing what you’re doing. He’ll walk me with my mom, and we’ll do the Father/Daughter. Mother/Son dance at the same time.
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one with this situation.
No i wouldn’t dance to a mushy song or have him walk you down the isle if you dont want. My dad and i are not close my parents are divorced and dad and I where never in eachother lives. At my wedding im having him walk me down half the way then my aunt and uncle walk me down the other half on behave of my mother who diied.
Then for the father daughter dance im not doing mushy that just isn’t us. We are going to dance to a fun and silly song infact we are dancing to white wedding by billy idol.
I hear ya sister!! I recently blogged about my issues with my dad…
http://brideonpurpose.blogspot.com/2009/07/should-drama-stop-wedding-part-one.html
PS: isn’t it amazing how blogs bring us all together at times when we can feel so alone?? Sending warm fuzzies your way!!
My dad and I do not have a relationship, and he will not be welcome or invited to my wedding. At this point, it’s like an old scar - you notice it sometimes, but it doesn’t bother me much or cause me pain anymore. My life is full of people who love and care for me, and I feel no sadness that he will not be there in any capacity, whether to walk me down the aisle, dance with me, or just enjoy an important moment in my life.
It’s a hard decision to make, but it sounds like you have thought it through, and I wish you the best.
At the end of the day, it is what makes you comfortable and I think it is great you are able to be comfortable with a family dance!
I have the same issue but I don’t think I can let my dad walk me down the aisle since he hasn’t been a faithful to my mom or his current wife. He is walking my grandma down, my brother is walking me down and my FI is dancing with his mom and I will just pass on the dance. Sadly, that is all I am comfortable with.
I’m sorry you have these concerns! I can relate to what you mean when you say that weddings are such public affairs–but I think people put all this pressure on idyllic family relationships. While I would love to have a real relationship with my dad or stepdad, I just don’t–it’s not my fault and I refuse to feel guilty for not having super-warm feelings towards either. I plan on having my stepfather there, but maybe asking my grandfather to walk me down the aisle, since he is a much more prominent part of my life. I think your solution is great and I hope your dad can make your wedding!
It’s an awkward decision, but I’m glad you found something to work for you.
Meanwhile, I can’t believe you have never seen Father of the Bride! Go! Rent it, netflix it, whatever! It’s the sweetest movie.
Oh, yes. I have a dad and a stepdad that I’m very close to, so things have been difficult! I like your choices, though, they’re very diplomatic.
Thanks for posting this. I’ve posted before here about my issues with my dad (http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/should-dad-be-invitedcome-to-the-wedding) and, while it was previously my decision on whether to invite him or not (and risk the potential of a MAJOR blow-out with him and my mom)- he’s now upset with me and thinks I’m on my mom’s side of their whole argument, etc. Good times! So he’s chosen not to come and I don’t know how that’s going to affect our relationship going forward.
As mad as it makes me though, I still wish things could be different when I think of girls whose dad’s dream of this day and relish in being a part of it. Father of the Bride used to make me cry for the wedding part– now it makes me cry for the dad part 
Kindof sucks- but nice to know we’re not alone in our family drama.
I have practically NO relationship with my real father. My stepfather was my dad to me and he passed away when I was 14. My real dad lives across the country and the last time we spoke was right before my 18th birthday (which the calls were only twice a year anyways, so no big deal). I understand what you’re going through because I have no idea what I’d do if my real father showed up to the wedding (we sent an invite but I doubt he’ll come).
I’m so glad you found a plan you’re comfortable with
P.S. You must see Father of the Bride, it is SO FUNNY! and just a classic.
You’re right about how weddings are tough because it forces you to take some of your private, personal, family stuff into the public domain, in the name of “tradition”. People expect things to go a certain way at weddings and it’s awkward when your life and your circumstances don’t fit that, and you can’t force it. I walked up the aisle with my mom (but if I could do it all over again, I would have gone alone), and we skipped the whole dancing-with-the-parents tradition. Good luck!
I also don’t have a relationship with my dad anymore. He wasn’t at the wedding & my mom & stepdad walked me down the aisle I hear ya about the emotions that surrond wedding & the added stress of worrying about this. I am glad that your mom is walking down the aisle with you as well!!
The whole father-daughter dance and the walk down the aisle has being mayor problems to me. I feel just like you, it’s so hard to not show how you feel about your dad when a wedding is such a public event. I’m so glad you found a solution that makes you comfortable big *hugs* to you.
oh!! and I haven’t seen that movie either I guess we HAVE to now 
I have a complicated relationship with my dad. He’s very much in my life, but…it’s complicated. Don’t know how else to say it without writing a novel of all the issues. My mom is my best friend, so I knew I wanted her to walk down the aisle, too. So the three of us, my mom, dad, and I walked down together. When it came to the dance, I choose a very upbeat and happy-go-lucky song. My dad and I danced for a minute or two, and then we were joined by Mr. G and his mom. It worked out really well!
It sounds like you are doing what makes sense for you and your situation. I was nodding my head profusely when you said, “I usually don’t have to display my relationship for all to see, and now I do.” That is EXACTLY how I felt. Thanks so much for sharing, Swan!
I feel the same way.
My dad and I are not close. I don’t know why…but I think I had figured that maybe we would get a little closer during this whole wedding planning…….but I tlak to him jsut as little as ever. When I spoke to him last week I said “ok…well I geuss next time I see you will be at the rehersal on the 7th”
I realize that though a wedding feels like a fairytale…it is happening in real life. My realationship with my dad isn’t suddenly going to improve and change jsut beasue I am getting married.
He is walking me down the ailse…becasue it jsut seemed like the right thing to do, but I feel torn. I am so jelous of the girls who gush about thier dads. I do not feel like that. We are not close and he hasn’t been my “rock”. It is weird to think that I will be spending those last important minutes with him. That I will be walking down the ailse..in such an emotionally open state…with someone who I don’t feel that close to.
Your post could have been written by me. I Really relate to what you are going thru. My fater actually only lives 20min away..but he might away well live farther considering how rarley we see each other.
We are having NO special dances. My FI is really close to his family…his folks are still married and we live on the same street. It feels like such a visable difference from my family. Thus I wanted to aviod anything that really called out one parent or another. We are doing our 1st dance…but that is it…no parent dances
I had a similar situation when I got married. It was hugely stressfull trying to figure out what I would be comfortable with and what would work for everyone else. I think that you have found a happy medium with what you are comfortable with. Good luck!
Glad to hear that you’ve sorted out that dilemma. =) *HUGS*
Miss Swan, I have a pretty similar relationship with my dad. He’s my dad, and things are civil, but we don’t really have a relationship. I think he thinks we have a relationship, but really, we don’t.
I felt really awkward about having him walk me down the aisle, but in the end we decided that Mr BC would walk me down the aisle.
Definitely looks like you came to a very sensible conclusion - good job! I’m sorry you had such a conundrum!
Yes yes yes, you must see Father of the Bride…I’ve seen it multiple times, but I have just started realizing that I eat up any movie revolving around weddings now that I’m engaged…I keep telling myself to watch it again…its such a funny, sweet movie!
I totally understand where you’re coming from- my parents divorced when I was 17, and I haven’t spoken to him since. Instead, my uncle will be walking me down the aisle, as he’s been more of a father figure than my dad ever was.
I’m glad you found a solution that will work for you- everyone seems to come up with their own version of walking down the aisle that works for them!
God bless the wedding God for putting a microscope on all family relationships on our very special day. It is such a difficult topic and I feel your pain. I have a complicated father relationship as well that I wouldn’t deem “normal” by any stretch of the imagination and while it is so personal and involved that I cannot explain, it will probably be written on my face a la wedding day. An uncanny ability I have to hide absolutely nothing. My hope is that I am so wrapped up in the “details” of the day and the “momentous moment” that I forget all of my familial tribulations thereby eliminating them (albeit momentarily). It has come up so often in many different shapes and forms … invites, etc. Bottom line: Weddings are happy times. It is your day. Let go of the past and live in the moment and your very bright and promising future with Mr. Swan. We don’t choose our family.
People coming to the wedding know what my relationship with my father is (it’s not a strong one. He and my mother are still very much together even though he’s been pretty abusive to both us women over the years).
I disagree completely with the tradition of the bride being given away, and so it’s just as easy to explain to those that don’t know, why he isn’t leading me down the aisle.
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Mrs. Swan, New York City
Age and Occupation: 31, Legislative Representative
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Finance Guy
Engagement Date: August 9, 2008
Wedding Date: August 2009
Venue: Battery Gardens
About Me: I am an un-crafty but resourceful, Caribbean-born but New York-raised woman who's been known to analyze "Dancing with the Stars" and “So You Think You Can Dance”, buy stinky cheese, and use way too many parentheses. I keep lists for fun, am constantly daydreaming of my next international travel adventure (four continents down, three to go), debating sports (let’s Got Mets/Giants!) and dancing around my apartment to stay sane. I am excited to share our wedding planning journey as I hope to plan a streamlined, personal, and fun wedding with the greatest life partner I could ever imagine, Mr. Swan.
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