Wedding Blog
Pretend you’re me for a minute.
For the past 26 years, you’ve heard your full name (first, middle and last) pronounced correctly only about 25 percent of the time — and spelled properly even less frequently than that! Childhood teasing has given way to puzzled looks from adults when you insist that, despite the Scottish surname, you’re more Italian than anything else.
I sound like the perfect candidate for a name change, right? But I’m not gonna do it. I’ve quipped that my walk down the aisle isn’t some “maiden voyage”, at the end of which I’m stripped of the identity I finally feel fits me. The mister supports my decision completely, but I’ve definitely met my fair share of raised eyebrows — even confusion with a tinge of anger — from people who don’t understand my reasoning. So here’s some more background…
When I was a child, I greatly disliked my name. I lamented the unique moniker my parents had chosen for me, and vowed to select much more mainstream ones for my kids. As I approached my 18th birthday, my parents suggested I consider legally changing how it’s spelled — to eliminate the pesky silent letter at the end of my first name.
By this time, however, I’d grown accustomed to coping with the challenging trio.
When someone asks for my name, I first say the whole thing slowly; then, I follow immediately with “It’s spelled…” and pause, so the person inquiring knows it’s not a piece of cake. Finally, I go through all three slowly, specifying the capital “K” in the middle of my last name — because, yes, it’s important to me!
I’ve since also learned the story behind my name. After I was born, my parents continued to debate what would suit me best. They seriously considered “Julia”, even writing it in pencil on the blank name card in the hospital nursery. Ultimately, though, Daddy Bruschetta’s pick won out — six letters originating from French, and providing an alliterative effect when paired with my last name. With “Julia” out of the picture, the other name considered for the top spot — the same letters as Mrs. Meatball’s, but pronounced to rhyme with “banana” — was shunted to the middle.
And then there’s the whole feminism thing. My communication major allowed me considerable freedom to fill my semesters with whatever courses tickled my fancy, and I opted for several women’s studies classes while working on my undergraduate degree. I felt liberated learning about third-wave feminism, which is essentially “DIY feminism” — the movement is based on the belief that each woman can set what her definition of feminism is, and how she chooses to integrate into her life.
During these years, Mr. Bruschetta and I were continuing to grow our relationship, acknowledging the love that had blossomed. We realized we’d eventually marry — but there was never any pressure from him to change my name. He accepted my logic, literally a list of reasons (see above!), including the fact that my surname would “die out” if I changed it. I think since we started dating so young, and have been together for so long, neither of us really seriously considered it important that I take his name.
That attitude, unfortunately, isn’t shared by most others. My parents, I was surprised to learn, are really pleased I’ll be keeping my last name. (Incidentally, both Mama and Sister Bruschetta changed their names when they married, replacing their given middle names with their maiden names.) But certain members of the mister’s family look at my decision as an affront. I’d like to think if I explained the logic behind this choice, they would be accepting and understanding; however, I’m just not sure that would be the case.
So I’m back to my “maiden voyage” idea, fretting I’ll spend the rest of my life running into resistance and negative attitudes, and fearing I’ll be treated as a pariah who’s only partially committed to married life. (Seriously, people? How is it okay to add funky colored shoes to a bridal ensemble, or transition from formal photography to photojournalism, or cohabit before the wedding, or do any number of other non-traditional things, but it’s still the expected and accepted standard that I’m supposed to change my name — or somehow integrate my husband-to-be’s to create a new one?) I’m feeling defensive, protecting my choice — and my name — with abrasive attitudes of my own, like not looking forward to receiving mail mistakenly addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. His Last”.
After the wedding, I’ll happily answer virtually to Mrs. Bruschetta, since I view my Weddingbee moniker as something the mister and I share — and our familial connections on the internet grow from this common “identity”. In real life, though, I’ll continue on with and my given first, middle and last names — preceded by “Ms.”. And I’ll prepare for my next name-related battle — convincing the mister that eventual Bruschetta “bites” should legally be First Middle My Last His Last.
Anyone else feel strongly about your name after struggling with it in the past? Will you be keeping or changing it after the wedding?
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Great post! I’m not changing my name either, and my fiance is very much in support of it. My name is not complicated or hard to pronounce or long - in fact it is short and extremely common. But it is my name and my identity and I do not plan to give that up.
I must admit that I am always shocked when I hear that men are not supportive of their fiancees wanting to keep their name! This is 2009, people! Do the men really think that the women don’t love them if they don’t want to change their name? And if so then why don’t the men change *their* names?
Sorry, I’ll get off my soapbox now. But this issue always strikes a chord with me.
This subject stresses me out. I’ve decided to change my name, but it still hurts a little… my dad asked recently what my married name would be (his sisters are engraving something for me as part of a wedding gift) and I actually cried when I told him (not that it would bother him to change my name… no one expects me to keep my maiden name).
So good for you for taking a stand and doing what feels right to you. None of my options sound good to me!
I agree, great post! I always assumed I would keep my own name but have found (much to my own surprise) that I actually really want to take his. So I am doing First Middle My last His last without hyphenation. I feel the name is mine and it fits me.
I have a coworker who opted to keep her name when she married. It has caused some difficulty, especially when kids entered the mix, but she’s really glad she did. It takes a strong woman to do that as you still meet with a surprising amount of resistance, but if it’s the right decision for the two of you I fail to see why anyone else should have a problem with it.
Taking his! I’m very excited to start this new chapter of my life with a new name, because it’s not his last name it’s OUR last name 
I am not changing my name and feel pretty strongly about it!My FI doesn’t mind at all–it’s probably what he’s always assumed. No one in my family cares (my mom and aunt both kept their names) and no one in his family has said anything, at least to us. They think of me as a bit of a crazy liberal feminist anyway, so I don’t think anyone is suprised!
I’m of a very liberal mind but I decided to change my last name - partly because I’m thinking about “the next 7 generations.”
What will your daughter do when she gets married - have 3 last names?
I think it’s all personal and up to you. I like what you said about feminism being your own individual feminism. It fits. No one should feel constrained or guilty for changing their name or NOT changing their name.
I, for example, am changing my name and putting my last name as my middle name and still keeping my middle name (so I guess 2 middle initials??). It’s like I can’t let go of my name but I want his name and doing the hyphen thing will just be too long (19 letters; 20 characters with the hyphen). It’s just too much.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but nobody has said anything. Perhaps they even ust assume I will have his last name. Very interesting what people get their panties in a wod over!
I didn’t change my name, and no one in my family minded, some friends asked why, but they didn’t care either way. On Mr. GB’s side, only the part of the family that we don’t really want anything to do with made any snarky comments about it. It’s not typical in Korea for women to change their last name.
I also prefer Ms. I actually hate being referred to by his last name, it really irks me. But I do like it when mail arrives for Mr. and Mrs. Kim.
great post! i’m not changing my name either and was so surprised to get resistance about it from a lot of people! We’re still a year away from the wedding and the subject hasn’t come up with his family (i’m guessing because they assume I’ll change it). Oh, how i fear that day!
“specifying the capital “K” in the middle of my last name — because, yes, it’s important to me!”
My parents, sort of arbitrarily, added a capital letter to the middle of my first name. I’ve cooled down a little about requiring the capital letter everywhere I go, but I do consider it a misspelling when it’s a lower case! I’m glad I’m not the only one who knows how important that capital letter can be.
I’m not planning on changing. I love my last name! At 31, a name change seems so weird to me, but I will probably hyphenate it. And now my curiosity is WAY up to know this name of yours, lol.
A friend of mine did not change hers and someone actually asked me if that was illegal. Seriously.
I love this post. I fought this fight with my ex-boyfriend whenever we talked about getting married. When the real time came, however, I was happy to take Mr. Bunny’s last name — but only because I like it. (I really hated my ex’s last name!)
My maiden name is difficult to pronounce and spell, but it’s a part of who I am and I never wanted to leave it behind. Fortunately, I’m a writer, so I’m sticking with my maiden professionally and am changing my legal name to First Maiden Last. For me, it’s the best of both worlds!
Mr. Bunny was happy I was taking his last name and admitted he would have been hurt if I’d decided not to (he’s pretty traditional), but I know he wouldn’t have pressured me to if I didn’t want to.
I was one of the little girls who always scrawled “Mrs. So-and-so,” “Mr. & Mrs. So-and-so” all over my notebooks. I always just assumed taking my husband’s last name is what I would do.
Before we were even engaged, it became clear to me that this wasn’t a choice I liked anymore. My situation is a bit different in the fact that my mother and father divorced when I was 2. She kept his last name, though I haven’t seen him since and we’ve only briefly spoken on my 16th birthday. I think (honestly) she kept our last names the same as his out of laziness and the fact that she enjoyed us both having the same last name.
When I mentioned to my fiance that I wasn’t planning on taking his last name, he was shocked. It’s not something he’s ever heard of before, so I understand…However, it was not a budging point for me. I WOULD have considered hyphenating, or having 2 last names, if he would consider the same….but that was a huge argument which left me with very hurt feelings.
He initially told me that my last name was, basically, not as important as his last name, due to the lack of my father in my life and the fact that he is a Jr. I agree with the father part…but this is also my mother’s last name - and I love the connection that we share because of it (not that there wouldn’t be a connection otherwise, obviously).
He has since come around to the fact that his reasoning was not valid, and although he will still not consider changing his name, he has come to accept that I will keep my last name.
Having children will, I’m sure, change things yet again. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m afraid of what people will think or what they might say when they discover my non-name change…but this is what works for me, and for us, and that is what I must try to remember matters the most.
I would have changed my name either way, but my drastic life changes post-marriage is making the transition fairly easy. (new state, home, and job). No one here ever knew what my maiden name was!
I loved my last name, but I have a brother to carry it on. And to my closest friends…I’ll always be a Boss. (yeah–that was my old last name!)
Ugh! I feel like I could have written this myself! I was practically tortured as a child due to my name and always insisted that I would change it. However, with the introduction of feminism into my life as a teenager (I then continued on to get my BA in Women’s Studies.) It seemed hypocritical to continue on supporting the patriarchal naming system.
When I got in engaged, I offered to hyphenate my last name with my (now) husband but only if he did as well- that was a no go so I kept my name as is. Yes, I still receive mail on a nearly monthly basis from family members on both sides addressed to Mrs. HisName (his mother needs a constant reminder!) But I’m standing my ground– eventually they will get it… right? Surprisingly, he gave in easily to “First Middle MyLast-HisLast” for our future-kids. (The kids- might hate us since they have to write it their whole lives…)
I’m DEFINITELY changing mine. My last name you would think is simple, but it’s a common man’s name. And my first name is also a common last name. Thus, people think I’m a guy a lot before meeting me (ex: almost couldn’t take my SAT’s because they had me as Last Name First Name!)
Also my middle name is probably similar to your first name… it’s Jeanne but pronounced Jean. (french way) and at HS grad, they pronounced it wrong. I threw a fit (natch because I’m pretty high strung) but it’s my mom’s name and it’s important to me!
LOL I have never been so curious about someone’s name as I am now!
I’m changing my last name but likely will change my given middle to my family surname. I LOVE my last name, but I guess I’m more traditional than I always claimed to be in college. 
Ms. Bruschetta: next time someone gives you grief about not changing your name, you can simply point out that it is not traditional (or even legal!) for Italian women to change their names. So what’s the big deal? You’re just honoring your roots.
I’m sorry you’re running into resistance and unpleasantness about your name! It’s your name - it’s your business, your choice. I’m not changing my name either and at least here in the San Francisco Bay Area, nobody really expects me to! I’ve gotten more questions about the color of my wedding dress (apparently “white” is a shocker), but none about my name. FI is greatly amused by the wedding dress questions. He was totally surprised when I asked him if he had any feelings about my name and potentially changing it. It literally had never occurred to him that his future wife might change her name even though his mother had done so. I think times are changing, even if the change is frustratingly slow.
I think both women and men should make their own nomenclature decisions, whatever they may be. I liked one of the comments I read on weddingbee: a bride responded to the perennial question about name change, “No, neither of us is changing.” I like the implication that it’s a choice for both parts of the couple
I was born and raised in Scotland and moved to the U.S when I was 21, so when you mentioned people having a rough time trying to pronounce your last name it made me smile, I can very much relate since my last name is a Scottish one. Folk are always murdering it, vocally and on paper even after I spell it out for them. I recently got a letter in the mail from a wedding vendor who had typed my name so wrong it amused my Fiance and I very much.
I will gladly be changing my last name to my Fiances which coincidentally is a Scottish surname too. The last name I carry right now is the name of the family who adopted me and abused me as a child, said adopted family ended up abandoning me when I was 12- the adoption failed miserably. I have no been in contact with them for many, many years and needless to say I will be thrilled to get rid of that last name.
I married really young and despite my feminism, didn’t think twice pre-wedding about changing my name. But as soon as I did, I found myself mourning my last name. I took my maiden as my middle, and I do use my full name professionally, but I miss my maiden name so so much. If I had it to do over, I’m not sure that I’d change it. At the very least, I would spend a lot more time on that decision, admitting that change one’s name will probably incite an identity crisis.
I am so glad that you stuck to your guns about this! Traditions are only traditions if you want to keep them and since it doesn’t seem like our men are buying us from our father’s anymore (with a few sheep on the side), we are not property to be given names. I think women should be able to choose their last name upon marriage, and whether hyphenating, changing or getting creative - its our choice.
Awesome post. We’re struggling with the name-changing decision at the moment and have met with some resistence to anything less-than-traditional, as well. It’s kind’ve a bummer 
I haven’t changed my name, and to be honest, it seemed like a big deal before the wedding - and I got a lot of grief, as did my now husband. One of his groomsmen on the way to the wedding actually asked “Aren’t you upset she isn’t taking your name?” to which my now brother-in-law replied “She’s a great girl and does so much for him - if this is the worst problem they ever have, they should have a pretty perfect life.” Aww.
However, post-wedding, it’s just not a big deal at all. Everyone just calls me by the name I’ve always had, and everyone who knows us knows we’re married - and for people who don’t know us, we tell them, simple as that. So don’t worry, I think you’ll see in time it should all calm down
i’m really excited to change my name….except my new last name ends in S, and i can’t for the life of me get used to pronouncing it plural.
Now I am dying to know what your first name is! It’s like a riddle.
I agree with Gloss - no matter what the last name, it is OURS as a new family. Plus, once the little ones come along, there won’t be confusion among teachers, coaches, other parents etc. as to whether or not we are married/divorced/etc.
I am struggling with this as well and am leaning toward NOT changing my name. We’ve been together for over 9 years and up until very recently, we never intended to get married. However, once the decision to marry was made, my very up-until-now non-traditional guy decides to go traditional on me and very much wants me to take his name. As big a surprise as that was, the bigger surprise was how much I struggled with it. But during our last conversation, a few days ago, my guy so graciously and lovingly said that while important to him, if it’s causing me this much grief he will get over it if I decide to keep my name. He says we’ve been together happily for 9 years and he doesn’t want anything to change….even if that includes my name. One of the many reasons I love him.
My FI thinks I should keep my last name, but I’m determined to have his, so it’s a little odd. He’s honoured that I’ll take his, but I’m the last child (in my entire family, cousins included) with our last name. He thinks we should name our son with my last name weather I take his or not, and I’m not so sure.
The way he sees it is the same as anything else, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, so if you keep your name or change, you’re still the same person. People need to back down, it’s your choice and their disapproving looks won’t change that!
Good luck to you, and don’t let them get you down. Stick to your guns!
Obviously what you do with your last name and your children’s last name is a personal decision, but I think giving your children 2 last names can be a bit of a pain for them. I went to college with a guy who’s name was first name middle name mom’s maiden name-dad’s last name. The double last name is really cumbersome and they’re left with that for most of their life. My maiden name only has 4 letters, and my new married last name has even less, 3. I couldn’t imagine having to write out a long/double last name all the time, or fill in all those bubbles for standardized exams in school. I think when this guy got married a couple of years ago, he dropped the 2nd last name (his parents were divorced, mom raised him, dad was estranged) and now has a single last name like most people. I know that you want your last name to continue on, but eventually when your kids have kids (your grandkids) they probably aren’t going to pass on both of the last names that you give them plus those of their spouse, otherwise people’s names would just keep getting longer and longer.
Great post Miss Bru, I am changing my name, and it’s kind of funny but if anyone would ask me that 3 years a go I would have said “heck no, I’ll never change my name” but now it’s something I’m looking forward to do
I’m a feminist and non-traditional about most issues like this, but I’ve never thought twice about taking FI’s last name. I don’t really like my maiden name, no one ever spells it correctly, and it sounds weird with my first name. And it won’t really affect my career in any way, as I’m currently writing/blogging under a pseudonym and any future projects would be done with his last name.
I’m not even keeping my maiden name as my middle name (which I know upsets my dad a bit) It’s going to be first name, middle name, his last name.
But I better not get anything addressed to Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName. I can’t stand that. ;o)
I don’t know if this will make it seem any easier to you, but the judgements happen for those of us who change our names too! Because I’m a writer like Mrs. Bunny, I’ve done the same thing as her–kept my maiden name for writing, and am using my new last name in my day job and my personal life. I live in a very liberal part of the West Coast where making your maiden your middle, hyphenating, or keeping your maiden name are very common (and are approaching being the norm). I don’t see changing my name as the dramatic shift in identity a lot of people do, and quite honestly, I’m tired of people pushing that narrative on me. All I’m trying to get at is that other people’s judgement about your choice on this issue is frustrating either way and I feel your pain!
Great post. I think this is a tough decision and it’s so personal for a lot of us. Everyone has her own feelings and experiences and it’s not easy to decide. I always feel like it’s important to support whatever people decide to do!
Personally, I changed my name, but mostly because my maiden name was my dad’s–and I don’t have a relationship with him. If I had had my mom’s last name, I would have had a much harder decision. I figure if I have to have one or the other, I’d rather have the last name of the guy *I* chose (The Hubs) than the one I didn’t have a choice about.
@Tracy: As someone who’s parents have different last names, but only gave me one…I’d rather have had two last names, I think it would have been less confusing than having to explain why my mom’s name was different. I also had to get a special birth certificate printed that showed both of my parent’s full names when my mom took me to get my passport because otherwise they didn’t believe she was really my mom since her name was different.
@M: “What will your daughter do when she gets married - have 3 last names?” She’ll make the decision to keep her name, change her name, or combine her’s with her husband’s somehow….just like people who only have one last name.
Personally, I’m a fan of matrilineal-patrilineal naming for people with 2 last names getting married; ie the wife contributes her mother’s surname to a new joint last name with the husband’s farther’s surname. It provides continuity for genealogy while preventing ridiculously long last names.
Great post! In this day and age its so much more of an issue! I am going to be taking my FI’s last name, although I’m stressing about the whole process of it! I’ll be teaching classes/establishing myself in my graduate school program, and after this first year I’ll have to change my email, other contact, etc…its going to confuse everyone! Good for you for knowing what you want in this!
Wow, thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences!
I promise in a future post or two, you’ll be able to learn a bit more about my “mystery” name.
I neglected to mention in the post that, provided Mr. Bruschetta and I come to an agreement about using double — but not hyphenated — last names for our children (eventually!), I’d like to handle that situation with our kids one-on-one when they are mature enough to decide — as my parents did with me — what legal changes (if any) THEY choose to make to their names.
I told my fiance I’ll change my name if he changes his too!
@anon: My mom’s last name was different from mine too, not really because she decided to keep her maiden name, but because my parents never officially married. I never had any problems as a result of having a different last name as my mom and didn’t have to get a special birth certificate for any documentation or paperwork. I don’t know why you and I had different experiences, but I didn’t have any problems.
Great post. I am struggling with the name change issue. My fiance expects me to change my name and before we were engaged I agreed that I would. But now, several years later, I’m just not so sure. All of my diplomas and certifications are in my maiden name, it just seems weird to sit in an office where all the paper on the wall has someone else’s name. I’ll have to put more thought into it.
I have a good friend who kept her name and then one year decided to change her name as a gift to her husband on their anniversary. He was ecstatic and she had a few years to make the decision and come to terms with the change.
thank you for this amazing post. i feel very much the same way that you do (with the exception of the unusual spellings - mine is pretty easy) and i’m keeping my name. we’re doing for our kids, first name- my last name-his last name - hopefully they won’t be upset that they all have the same middle name!
i am keeping my name. i was at the store the other day and the clerk looked at my id and said to me, “i have met a few with your first name, but i have never heard of your last name. no one will ever have the same name as you. until you get married.” i told her i was getting married, but not changing my name. she looked puzzled.
i too struggled with my “strange” name as a child and wanted to change it (my first) when i was 7. now, i like that it’s unique. i have decided to keep my last name simply because i want to.
as human beings, it is our choice whether we want to keep our name or not, no one should be judged whether they choose to keep or change their name.
a poster above asked, “what you will do when your daughter gets married—have 3 last names?” who is to say she will want to add her husband’s name, or keep any names? maybe she’ll change all of her names. i find it bizarre that it’s assumed the female will automatically take the male’s name. even more so if this kind of thinking continues when i do have a daughter who becomes that age.
i’m sure FI family will be baffled. will they be surprised? probably not, but only because they think i am such a feminist. never mind that i like my name. i told FI he can take my name if he wants. he said we will just keep our own names.
i recently received an invitation addressed to mr. & mrs. hislastname. we’re not even married. i’m not offended. i know that after i get married, no matter how many cards i send to his family with mr. hislastname and ms. herlastname………they will continue to send it to mr. & mrs. hislastname.
some people just do not know how to move forward or at least be open to other possibilities.
i hope when i do have kids and they are faced with this decision, the world will have expanded somewhat.
I am keeping my name, but I’d like to have his name, too. I am not going for a hyphenated name, I think I will just go by what ever name is comfortable in that particular environment. I am not a doctor, but I think of it like my doctor friends. If I use my maiden name at work where I’ve already established an identity with that name and use my married name in social settings, who really cares? I can be both at the same time!
This is a really great post, and I honestly don’t know why people would snicker or be confused by you choosing to keep your last name.
Me? I’m changing it. Ha. I struggled with the decision as well. I’ve always hated my last name and was often teased relentlessly about it as well. Also, it’s my dad’s last name, and he abanoned my family (and my sister and me) when we were young. I have no relationship to him, and only negative memories. I struggled with the idea of keeping my last name because it kind of became a positive thing - symbolism that my family and I overcame life without my dad, and were proud to be who we were. But in the end, I hated keeping my dad’s name. Also, my fiance’s last name just goes so well with my first name
Well done for standing up in your beliefs! I think most of my thoughts have already been said, but I want to address the notion that different last names will cause problems down the line.
I work at a non-profit with teenagers in an urban area. The majority of my students do not have the same last name as their mothers, for one reason or another. No one has ever questioned the relationship between mother and child because of the different name. My fiance’s mother never changed her name, and their family has managed successfully.
The people who will give you trouble for not having the same last name as your children are the same people who can’t believe that a woman won’t change her name upon marriage. The world is a fluid place and if they can’t handle it, forget them.
Great post Bru and beautifully put I too have a very strong attachment to my maiden name. However, I did decide to change my name, with the understanding that all our “pups” would have my maiden name as their middle name.
Mr Frenchie and I have a BIG LONG discussion about the name change and he understand that I will only change my name if it will live on some other way
He also knows that I don’t want to be know as Mrs Mr Frenchie and that anything we send out with our name on it will have my name on it and not Mr & Mrs Mr Frenchie.
I feel this way about my first name now. Growing up people never pronounced OR spelled it right and it seemed so out of place among the more common girl names. Now that I’m older, I’m in love with it! No one forgets a name like mine and everyone comments on how pretty it is or that they might name their daughter LeiLani. And to this day, I’ve never met anyone in person with my name!
Great post! My mother kept her maiden name in a time when that was less common. Even so, it was never much of an issue, aside from the fact that people seem to have such a hard time figuring out what to call her. I also think it’s a great idea for you to give your children you last name as a second middle. My parents did that with all of us.
I’m currently undecided on the name change issue myself. I absolutely love my last name, and am not sure whether or not I want to change it.
“Seriously, people? How is it okay to add funky colored shoes to a bridal ensemble, or transition from formal photography to photojournalism, or cohabit before the wedding, or do any number of other non-traditional things, but it’s still the expected and accepted standard that I’m supposed to change my name — or somehow integrate my husband-to-be’s to create a new one?”
I COMPLETELY agree! Great post! I too am keeping my last name and don’t understand why I have to explain why to some people.
oh bruschetta…i am 99.9% positive that you and i must have the same first name (french-6 letters–silent last letter–and I am cuban and scottish lol) and I totally feel your pain. To make it worse I have a totally american last name that is never mispronounced (as is my first) but always mis-spelled. Believe it or not, People literally think Cox is spelled with a “ck”. SERIOUSLY?!!?!?! I have no reservations about changing my last name
I think you should keep your name, great post. I will be keeping my name as well - there are only 6 people left in the world with our name. We shouldn’t have to explain ourselves to anyone these days.
You have so neatly summed up my feelings on my own name. It is different unique and anyone with my last name is a relative. It is something I feel strongly bound too and I too am sick of the raised eyebrows and strange reactions. We’ve yet to formally tell his family, it hasn’t come up but I know they all assume I will change. The only part that makes me sad is not being a Mrs. Thanks for sharing
i’ll be changing mine. i’ve always been ambivalent about my name anyway. the boy wants me to take his name and i’m fine with it. i’ll still be me right? right.
funnily enough, my dad asked me if i was going to take the boy’s last name and when i said yes, he was all, “good. i hate it when women don’t.” excuse me what now? i was quick to tell him that it wasn’t his decision anyway and it didn’t matter what he had to say about the topic anyway. and that was the end of that conversation.
if he knows one thing, it’s that he has raised 3 VERY opinionated AND vocal women. and to not cross them. lol
I love your plans for your future children. I would check out Hispanic naming traditions - I have been told that children have their mother’s last name and father’s last name. It might help when you go to explain it to people!
I absolutely love my last name. It is pretty unique. I have never met a non-family member with the same last name. I love it, but I’m really looking forward to sharing a name with my fiance. On the other hand, my sister is getting married this fall and she is choosing to keep our last name. I think it all depends on personal preference. I also think it is becoming a lot more common to keep your own last name, whereas years ago I only knew one person to do this. Before, people just took their husbands last name, now women really think about their preference.
I am definitely keeping my last name. I love my name and its uniqueness. People always mis-spell or mispronounce, but only 5 people in my family have this name (dad’s last name was spelled wrong on birth certificate and never correct). When people finally hear it they love its uniqueness. My fiance agrees with me 100%. He does not understand the idea of women having to give up their names, but men do not. When we have kids, we will probably give them my last name as a middle name (or maybe his last name as the middle name and mine as the last name - why not! ;-). People in my family don’t have middle names so its not like they will have two. I never had a middle name and never intended on giving my kids one so this is perfect.
i liked your well reasoned and honest approach to explaining your decision!
and i’m Scottish and Italian too!
i’m definitely changing my name. it’s not a feminine or non feminine decision for me - it’s just more of a making a family cohesive. i can’t imagine having a different last name than my kids and it’s really important that we all share a name. my fiance and i joke about merging our names to some hybrid last name, but not seriously. either way, whatever the decision is, i want us as a family to have one name. i will most likely end up dropping my maiden name all together since my middle name was given to me with a lot of thought and purpose and links me to my grandmothers. it actually has more significance to me and my last name and my fiance calls me by that instead of my first name often. so i guess it works out
You know - it’s funny - I never considered changing my name before, but as soon as I said “YES!” to Mr. B, taking his name just seemed right for me! It is strange, though, I’d never before considered (or even written out) my name with another last name, but I feel honored to be his wife and take his name. HOWEVER, I think it’s a very personal decision, and I also think double last names are confusing for the kiddos, but “c’est la vie!” Do what your heart tells you! <3
Obviously I already weighed in my (lack of) name-change post, but I just want to express my sympathy! You do what you gotta do! Don’t listen to all the naysayers.
My last name is German and even though it is only 5 letters it is pronounced right probably only 10% of the time by people who don’t already know me.
I’m taking my fiance’s name, mainly because I just feel like it’s the right thing to do for us, and it’s easy to pronounce. I’m excited about that.
I can understand others who don’t want their family name to die out, but my dad is 1 of 8 brothers, and I have about 15 male cousins and 2 brothers to carry on the name. I think it’s covered for me
Yeah, keeping my name, the fiancee is happy about it. Likes that I’m keeping my independence and all, but he hasn’t told his parents yet and they fly in tomorrow for our civil ceremony. I really didn’t want to be around when he told them this, because I think they’ll be the family that’s a bit unhappy about it. Oh joy, getting to plan the November church ceremony will be that much more fun. Who knows, maybe they won’t care.
i am still so undecided on this. on one hand, my last name is SO hard to pronounce, and often mispronounced in such a way that is really embarrassing! also, i don’t have any emotional attachment to the name, since i don’t have any relationship with that side of my family anymore.
on the other hand, its MY name! the name i have always had. i can’t imagine changing it. i still have some time to decide but right now i am stuck in the middle, no idea which way i am going to lean.
i love this post. i NEVER wanted to change my name — actually, never even wanted to get married until i met my fiance, but that’s another story — and when when i told him that, he was very upset. as in, didn’t even want to propose if he knew i would keep my name. i’m the second to last in my family tree, the cousin after me is also a girl so i know the name will end there.
it’s not like i have a job where people have come to know me as a certain name, but it’s still mine, and i identify with it, however different it is. i’ve reluctantly agreed to change it once we get married but i’m really not happy about it. just the start of future compromises, right?
I’ve been tossing around the hyphenated idea lately, simply b/c I’m scared of losing my last name as well. Like Keppa, I’ve had a strained (or non-existent) relationship with my father and thought when I would get married I would change it to simply rid myself of that his lineage. But as the wedding day is coming closer, I still can’t help but feel that my last name is precious and I don’t want to lose it. Not to mention, I’d be going from a simple and unique Irish last name to an Italian last name that, frankly, sounds like a disease. This has been an ongoing joke since the beginning of our relationship, but as the days dwindle before our wedding I am starting to wonder if I want to completely erase my last name and take on his. It’s like erasing a part of myself and completely erasing anything I had from my father. Thank you for bringing this subject up and for everyone else for chiming in your opinions/plans about changing your last name. It gives me plenty to think about when bringing the name change issue up with my FH.
I know I am a couple of days late with my response, but this is something that’s really important to me!! I think I have decided to hyphenate. I am the last child to get married and both of my sisters made our maiden name their middle name. I don’t have any brothers and my father is an only child. However, I’m wondering if it will be ridiculous to have a eight letter last name hyphenated with another eight letter last name? If we ever had kids, would the school always have both last names on documents? Also, both of our last names are commonly mispronounced and misspelled!! But, it’s important for me to carry on my last name and yet represent my new family.
[...] actual invitation, which reveals another part of my oft-mispronounced name. (Since I’m keeping my maiden name, I opted to include all three!) I hate that I had to cover up our last names — they include [...]
Even when I was a child and dreaming of a fairy tale wedding, I never considered changing my name. Now that I’m getting married, it’s still not a hard decision. My fiance is Korean while I am Canadian (Scottish-German descent). Since Korean women don’t change their name (and it is often taboo to marry someone with the same family name), it would be very strange to take his name. In addition, although we live in Korea and will be here for many many years, it is very important for me to keep my heritage and identity (and to show my family I am not abandoning my roots by choosing to remain here). My family has been quite supportive, probably because my father died 2 years ago and he was an only child, so now they feel better that their name will die out in their life time. I understand the worries about ‘what will happen to the children?’ However, our kids will already be biracial/tricultural and will live between countries. Therefore, I think we will probably give them a Scottish or German Christian name that is common in my family as well as a full Korean name to represent their heritage in through their name. Perhaps some people might feel this is too complicated, but it is the reality my fiance and I live in, and it works for us.^^ All the best to all of you in your quests to redefine your selves in your newly married lives!
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Mrs. Bruschetta, Philadelphia
Age and Occupation: 25, Communication Professional
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Physical Therapy Graduate Student
Engagement Date: November 30, 2007
Wedding Date: August 2009
Venue: St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House
About Me: I’m a self-proclaimed grammar geek who loves singing (like, really belting it) in the car. My mister and I are planning a vibrant summer soiree celebrating our passions – including food and Philly – and when we make it official, we’ll have been together for eight years! Being super competitive is in my nature, and talking excessively is in my genes. I’ve got a terrible sense of direction, but can always easily find my way into Mr. Bruschetta’s arms.
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