Wedding Blog
As a newlywed, everyone asks you, “How does it feel? Do you feel different?” My response is usually, “Not much has changed.” Mr. G and I lived together before marriage. We pay bills in the same manner that we always have. We’re a unit. But when a friend told me a story the other day, my thought process made me realize that maybe I am different.
One of my friend’s coworkers, an ambitious, single woman, is having an affair with a boss at their company. They’d been flirting and carrying on for quite some time, and then a fellow coworker saw them out at a bar one night being more than friendly with one another. Now the whole office knows and talks about it at the watercooler. Oh, and did I forget to mention, the boss is married with small children?
I have never been accepting of the idea of cheating. But, in my younger years, I wasn’t super judgmental about it, either. When a girlfriend of mine was fooling around with a married man in college, I didn’t approve. But, on the other hand, I didn’t necessarily throw a fit and break off our friendship, either. I thought that I shouldn’t be judgmental of her and her relationship. People were often unhappy in their marriages. Maybe my friend and her married companion really were meant to be? It was a stretch, but, at the time, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
However, now that I am married, I’m on the other side of that fence.
No longer could I be “the other woman”. I’d be “the wife”. And, in many ways, that changes the whole playing field for me. It reminds me of something my wise mom has told me time and again, “You won’t fully understand until you’ve lived it.”
I’m a wife now; not a girlfriend, not even a fiancé. I’m a wife. I don’t quite know or understand the scope of that word yet, as I’m new to this game. But I am already finding myself more serious, more judgmental, and very emotional about the subject of betrayal amongst married couples.
If you think about it, infidelity is all around us. It’s eyeing us on the cover of the latest gossip magazine at the supermarket. It’s lurking between the desks in our offices and schools. It’s talked about and even laughed about by acquaintances and coworkers. And, sadly, it creeps in and breaks the hearts of our dearest friends and family members.
It’s not that the over saturation of infidelity in today’s culture makes me distrust Mr. G. But, it has made me feel a kinship with the wives in these sad situations. I feel like I’ve joined a club of some sort, a sorority of married women, who can know and understand where I am coming from without me needing to say a word. Our hearts break silently for one another, because we can only imagine what that woman must be going through.
Maybe this makes me a throwback to a 1950s housewife. Or maybe it just makes me officially “married” in my mind and in my heart. I’m not sure.
How do you view infidelity in today’s culture? Have your thoughts on it changed since you’ve been engaged or married?
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You don’t have to be a wife to understand this. If you’ve ever been cheated on, your heart breaks for the “wives” in these situations, anyway. 
Infidelity is indeed everywhere these days, but I don’t feel any different about it now than before we got married. Perhaps I should, but cheating is cheating and I would have been equally as devastated had he done it before our wedding. Marriage is a sacred thing, yes, but to me - so was the bond and relationship that led to the vows that followed.
Thanks for the post. I too have been trying to juggle that very question the last couple of months. We’re now part of the club.
Eh, I still feel the same about it. It’s not great, but situations/people can be complicated.
I am totally on board with what you are saying. Once you say “I do” it’s a whole other perspective you take on, whether you like it or not. The betrayal of cheating is so much larger at the marriage level than just a bf/gf relationship. Great post.
This is a great post. I love the show Mad Men (love it!), but I have a very hard time dealing with the enormous amount of gratuitous infidelity!!! If it weren’t for the amazing art direction and costume design…
I have a new found respect and honour for marriage as an institution now that I have one of my own, and I have been much more sensitive to stories of infidelity than ever before. And divorce.
Great post, I fully agree. And once children are in the picture? I can’t even describe how I feel about that.
I agree with Marigold. You don’t have to be a wife to understand this. I can understand that, as you say, infidelity is so prevalent and accepted in our society that many women might not think to forcefully condemn it until after marriage. But, for my part, I have always had an active respect for the institution of marriage and am always appalled and hurt by revelations of cheating, whether among people I know or among public figures I had trusted. I would have been in there saying to that friend in college, “Either break this off, or lose me as a friend.” I wouldn’t have been able to stomach standing by for that - it’s just so incredibly cruel to the one being cheated on.
And I don’t think it makes you a 1950s housewife! It’s possible to have a liberated concept of what a marriage means today without accepting infidelity. In some ways, standing up for a faithful marriage makes you a very modern, strong wife. Be proud.
Great post Glitter 
It reminded me of something my mom’s sorority Big Sis says (b/c her mom told her) “If a man is married, that is all you need to know about him.” Her father cheated on her mother and left her for “the other woman” That has stuck in my head forever and always made me mad @ cheaters and “other women”.
really? You guys would break off a friendship with a friend because she was dating a married man? I totally understand being unsupportive and judgemental of the sitch and voicing it to your friend, but I don’t see how breaking up the friendship would get you anywhere. Agreed: cheating is wrong, marriage is sacred, but nothing is black and white, and true friendship is about being there through good times and bad. Perhaps if you remained friends and tried to show your friend the “wife side”, it would help them understand the seriousness of their actions (remember the SATC epi where charlotte lectures carrie?)
Great post. I’ve always found cheating repulsive. It is devastating to a marriage and to a family. Its effects go far beyond a husband and wife. Take it from someone’s whose dad cheated.
@Mrs. Taffy: I couldn’t agree with you more on Mad Men. I love the “style” but the show itself irks me greatly.
and while I’ve always disagreed with cheating, you just made me realize that I’ve been even more in disagreement the past month or so. I think you have a point…I’m on the other side now. I’d be the “wife”.
If husband’s (or wives) want to cheat- I say let them. I don’t judge. They are doing their spouses a favor- why would you want to be with someone like that? We only have a short time before we die, why waste it with a person that doesn’t respect you?
I’ve told my husband I don’t want to be cheated on (who does?!) but if he ever did (we’re both in the military, separated for months at a time- anything is possible) I want to know so we can split on decent terms.
I have and will always view cheating as WRONG. I don’t care if the person is your soul mate, the one, whatever excuse you made to make yourself think it’s okay to be the person breaking up a relationship (married or otherwise). if that person is with someone else and they feel the same they should be wo/man enough to break off their current relationship to be with you. If they cannot then they do not feel the same, are they really worth you turning into the beyotch that broke up a relationship, worse a marriage?
I feel very strongly about this even though I’ve never been cheated on. And perhaps will feel EVEN stronger about this when I’m married.
Nothing is black & white, that is true. But I don’t care if the wife or husband is the devil themself. Or is cheating on you. Still does not give you the right to cheat as well.
I should also add we don’t have children so I view things a little differently. When kids are involved- cheating is terrible. It affects the spouse, but more importantly, the kids.
Great post Glitter, I’ve seen what cheating can do to a relationships and families, it’s one of the reasons why I don’t have very good examples of strong marriages to look at as I soon enter into a union of my own. I don’t think that I would break ties completely if I knew that a friend was cheating with a married man, but my disgust would absolutely be vocalized. I have always believed that cheating was a sign of insecurity and underlying issues that people are too afraid to discuss, and as we all know ignoring the problem does not make it go away. People (cheaters and their lovers) need to take a really hard look at themselves and figure out why they are involved in a “relationship” grounded in lies and mistrust.
@Miss French Bulldog: Your mom’s sorority sis hit the nail on the head.
My father had a long time affair before he died (and a few before that), and it was devastating to our whole family. But I met that “other woman” once, and it was almost equally as sad. She was terribly insecure, defensive, and pathetic; and clearly in need of something. I absolutely hold them accountable, but it’s important to think about someone’s motivations and background before we pass judgment.
If someone’s got designs on your husband, it’s absolutely right to be angry and judgmental and furious. But if it’s your friend, it’s a little different. The motivations & mindsets that allow a woman to have an affair with someone’s husband are so sad and so complicated. I just don’t think judgment and withholding of friendship would solve anything. Definitely some “tough love” on your part, but outright abandonment is likely to make the friend cling to the married guy even more.
Ive always felt it was wrong and I’ve always been highly judgemental of it, even back when I was single. It’s just bad bad bad, all of it. How that woman lives with herself is beyond me. I could never be the other woman
Perfectly written, Glitter! I hope you continue to advocate the sacred nature of fidelity and that by doing so, more women will understand and most importantly, RESPECT the beauty of monogamy. In regard to breaking ties with friends who become “the other woman”, I get that. Someone once said to me, “Tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are.” In many ways, and in regard to a situation of supporting someone that is breaking apart someone’s home, this rings true.
i’m not married yet, but i don’t condone adultery. i never have and i never will. i don’t think being a wife has anything to do with having empathy for “that wife,” anymore than you have to be homeless to have empathy for other’s in need of shelter, or starving to have empathy for those without food…..well, you get my point.
i try not to judge people, especially when i haven’t walked in their shoes, but it doesn’t mean i can’t be opinionated.
married or not, cheating is a non-negotiable to me. i wouldn’t condone it as the girlfriend, the fiance or the wife. those are all just titles anyway. i feel what i feel regardless.
ok, so my post wouldn’t let me edit, but the above should read “others,” not “other’s.”
anyhow, instead of reflecting on titles such as wife, fiance or whatever, i think it’s more important to remember that we are all human beings and we have feelings.
Wait can’t you be still be the other woman in certain situations? Also, I agree with many of the other posters who indicate that it’s inappropriate in my eyes before and after marriage regardless.
I think I need to clarify something that might be causing some confusion. I never said that not being a wife meant that you didn’t or couldn’t have empathy for “that wife”. I tried to make it clear that I never condoned cheating before I was married, or at any other point in my life for that matter.
I was speaking from personal experience about how my perspective has been affected by marriage. I welcome everyone’s opinions. I think it is an interesting discussion; one of which, most of us are on the same side, regardless of being married, divorced, single or whatever.
This is such a complicated subject, thank you for approaching it in such an honest and open manner Mrs Glitter. I have been on both the giving and receiving line of cheating, and no matter how you are involved in the situation it eventually hurts. Ahhh, so complicated. But thank you for writing this!
@evahesse: I could be the other woman? I had to think about that one. Hahaha! Yes, you’re right. But yikes on that!
Ugh, I cannot stand homewreckers. Get a life–you can’t find a guy who likes you alone? I blame the cheating SOBs too. I feel strongly about this b/c I know 3, not 1, THREE girls whose husbands cheated on them RIGHT AFTER they got married. I’m talking about as soon as they returned from the honeymoon, these guys picked up something on the side. Why get married?! One of these poor girls was someone I used to babysit. It was so awkward at OUR wedding, being like L you know Jeremy. We met at…your wedding (to that complete slimeball). Glitter, your posts are always so poignant–they really resonate. My husband & I lived together first & pay our bills the same old way. Nothing much feels different, but I see what your saying about the sisterhood of wives. As we stepped off the plane last week, I turned to him & said, “The honeymoon REALLY is over!” Hee hee-I kill me.
I personally have never been cheated on, but my close friend from college was. While she was 4 months pregnant with their second child. I don’t care how complicated any relationship is (and they had a pretty happy 10 year one up until the cheating) but texting your mistress while you are at the ob-gyn with your wife and stepping out on her is just wrong. If you don’t want to be in that relationship anymore (and lets face it that happens) just leave. Sneaking around is just horrible.
As the author Leonard Michaels once observed in his journal: “Adultery is not about sex or romance. Ultimately, it is about how little we mean to one another.”
What a great post, I do understand contemplating breaking of a friendship with someone who is cheating with a married man. I have high standards for myself, and for the people I choose to spend my time with - why would I want to spend my time with a person who has low standards like that? Maybe a tough love approach is best, but just because you give someone your point of view it doesn’t mean they’ll take it or even listen to it.
I don’t think my feelings about infidelity have changed a whole lot. Generally I think it’s always very important to hear all sides of a situation before judging, especially with something as complicated and volatile as cheating.
Has anyone seen the episode of Scrubs where Carla and JD kiss, and it opens Carla’s eyes to the fact that marriage is all about cutting each other some slack, because it’s really, really easy to make mistakes? I’ve been sympathizing a lot more with Carla since I married, because I can now see just how right she is about that. We all make mistakes, and being understanding about the smaller ones can sometimes prevent the big ones.
I’ve never understood how cheating can be ‘complicated.’ Perhaps I find marriage vows more black and white than others.
i have always viewed infidelity the same… it’s wrong. whether you are dating, engaged, or married, to me, it always has been and always will be wrong. i have always held people to their promises, no matter how big or small. so, breaking a promise one had made to me basically breaks my heart. and unfortunately, i’ve had my heart broken too many times. i have been at every relationship level (dating and engaged) except for marriage and have been cheated on over and over again and have always feared getting “in too deep” again because of that. but now that i am engaged again (to mr. absolutely right!) i am now confident and assured that there are women like you Mrs. G, who i know will have my back IF it comes down to it.
a sincere thank you, Mrs. G, for this post.
I have never thought cheating was ok and even when my sister became the other women I always told her that she was wrong. I would always remind her of of how the wife feels and how much pain she would cause if the wife found out. They eventually broke it off, but I always woundered if the wife ever knew. This was way before I was married. But know another family member of mine (a guy) currently is very unhappy with his wife, and she is just so overbearing that he cant stand her. He never says that he is going to cheat, but I feel like hes a step away from doing it. And even though I cant stand cheating I feel for him. My heart breaks at the stories that he tells me about his wife and how much he is unhappy. I love him because he is my family and want to judge him, but I cant. So I guess the standard for what is ok and not has changed in my mind.
Great, great post. I really understand where your coming from. When I was reading about the SC governor who was cheating on his wife and lied to everyone about it, then admitted it publicly….I thought, wow I can’t imagine what she must be going thru. To find all this out, agree that he would stop, and then be lied to again?? Its unbelievable….I was at a bar about a year ago and some guy was hitting on me, so I just told him I was married and he said “I don’t mind.” Well um guess what asshole, I do!! Its sad to see how people will accept it, but I know that when I was younger and had never been really serious with someone, it didn’t really matter that much to me then.
@jtg: The men and women who cheat do not wake up one morning and say, “I’m going to find someone and sleep with them, and I’m going to enjoy the fact that it will hurt my spouse/partner/etc.” It tends to be a long process of feeling unappreciated or otherwise disconnected from their relationship, or any number of other emotions that might drive them to desperate actions. Having been involved with cheaters and playing various roles, both the “other woman” and the “victim,” and having experienced the temptation, I can state with some authority that it’s never, ever as simple as it might seem from an outside perspective.
Now, I don’t know if you were replying specifically to my post, but I did use the word “complicated.” And it is. Relationships are never black and white; even after taking marriage vows, there are always grey areas. Please note that I’m not saying that cheating is ever right. I don’t condone the action and I know how difficult it can be to be the “victim.” But it’s also never simple, and I think people (especially women) tend to forget that.
Hope that gives you something to think about.
Great post, Glitter. @lolo7835 - you have me looking up Leonard Michaels. Thanks!
I rarely post comments, but this is the 2nd post I have made on one of your posts Mrs. Glitter! Your thoughts always strike a chord with me. I felt the same way you did before, and since I’ve been engaged, a close family member has experienced being “the wife” in such a situation. This changed my whole perspective and I am now disgusted and disheartened when I see signs of infidelity all over the media and even hear about it with colleagues.
Thanks for writing this post, it is important.
Great post! Your posts are always so thoughtful. I have always had major boundaries when it came to cheating. I have never even come close to being the “other woman.” I have had a couple friends (when I was younger) that had affairs, and it was a very difficult time in our friendship. Thankfully, they would never EVER do anything like that again. For the girl who got involved with my fiance, she didn’t take it seriously at all. It was just a game to her. Still, I don’t think she understands the gravity of what she got herself into. I hope - when she gets married - that she will achieve a deeper understanding. Marriage is serious - and it has to be protected like Ft. Knox!
I think it’s interesting that getting married has changed how you view other peoples’ infidelity. I think it totally makes sense and it doesn’t make you a 50s housewife stereotype at all! I think being in a serious, committed relationship has changed how I view infidelity in a way similar to that you described. I dunno if getting married will change it even more.
Oh gosh, I think this is a wonderful post Mrs. G…and I think that any girl in a serious relationship can understand this feeling. Heck, anyone who has been cheated on knows how that feels in some shape or form…it is NOT fun to be the one who has to find that out…and you feel like a complete idiot when you do. Not to mention a million other feelings. Thanks for sharing this - I don’t think you are a 50’s housewife…it makes sense!
I have never been a fan of infidelity — however, I do believe that sometimes people are just not compatible with the person they married. And sometimes it takes the introduction of another man/woman for someone to discover that.
That said, I feel TERRIBLE for the person betrayed, and I’m definitely not supportive of cheating and lying, etc. But I do believe in separation after an honest conversation.
I am just reading this post now (off on a pesky work trip last month) and I wanted to congratulate you on your post. Both my FI and I come from divorced parents. At the very beginning of our relationship (and I’m talking about beginning!) I made my stance on cheating very clear. My childhood was almost ruined (thankfully I have a strong mother) by my father’s infidelity. My father was in the army so we had moved many times, when my mom finally decided to call it quits we were halfway across the country from anyone we knew.
I can never and will never do to my FI what my father did to my mother, and I will never do anything like that to children - it is just not fair. Infidelity is nothing but a selfish lie and I have actually called off friendships due to a friends disregard for matrimony. I am glad to see that there are other women out there who share my thoughts and opinions.
Thanks Mrs. G!
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Mrs. Glitter, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 27, Research Consultant/Writer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Accounting
Engagement Date: May 6, 2007
Wedding Date: June, 2009
Venue: Millenium Biltmore Hotel
About Me: I was born and raised in West Los Angeles, California. I spent eight years in the Northeast working and completing my education. Having split time between two sides of the country has given me a true appreciation for both coasts. It has also provided an overabundance of cross country drives, flights and long distance relationship fun/misery! I love my family, my doggy Emma, fabulous wine, Anthropologie, politics, reading, being outdoors, exploring new cities, and good movies! My fiance and I are complete opposites, but somehow we have managed to fall completely and hopelessly in love.
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