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Miss Dew Drop, San Francisco Age and Occupation: 31, Attorney Fiance's Age and Occupation: 35, Managerial Type at an Internet Company Engagement Date: December 12, 2008 Wedding Date: September 2009 Venue: Ralston Hall Mansion About Me: I'm a food-and-baking-obsessed, occasionally sword wielding Bay Area native who is quickly becoming overwhelmed with planning a wedding and opening a law practice at the same time. (Brilliant move, that one.) I love reading, online shopping, ice cream, my Macbook, Bollywood movies, hoodies, the UCLA Bruins, and of course, Mr. Dew Drop.
About Mrs. Dew Drop

At Least You Don’t Get a Grade

August 12th, 2009 @ 4:18 pm by Mrs. Dew Drop

By the time February rolled around, it was official. I was a failure at wedding planning.

Or, rather, I was a failure at beginning to plan my wedding.

Well, we had a venue and chairs and a color scheme. And we had the female side of the wedding party. (It’s possible that Mr. DD didn’t finish asking the male side of the wedding party to be in the wedding until June.)

But that was it. We still needed to pick out a photographer, a videographer, a caterer, a coordinator, a florist, a cake baker…

I tried to make progress. But I was overwhelmed. Not just by wedding planning but by starting my own business, renovating Mr. DD’s place (um, because that was a wise project to take on right after getting engaged), officially moving into Mr. DD’s place (and therefore officially moving out of my place), taking graduate law classes on tax law and estate planning, making plans to go help out my sister once her twins arrived, trying to actually see my friends once in a while, and being okay transitioning from unmarried person to married person.

The last one was strangely the most difficult thing. Sometimes it still feels like it is.

First of all, there is totally a married people club out there. And they treat you differently once you get engaged. Suddenly your relationship means something. And you’re torn between thinking that your relationship meant something before you got engaged and perhaps that’s actually why you got engaged and thinking that it feels good to be accepted. This is confusing at best.

Secondly, in-laws are difficult. It doesn’t matter how nice they are to begin with. Entering someone else’s family unit is like entering a foreign country. And sometimes it really does seem like enemy territory. Especially when you’re an interracial couple and there are competing cultural expectations at play.

Thirdly, I never realized that I would have so many identity-related issues surrounding getting married. You see, I had this whole past life where I was self-sufficient and successful and I had my own space and no one messed up my things and if I made a major decision, it generally only affected me. But all of a sudden there was this other person everywhere. And, what’s more, I was finding that I needed him everywhere. Sometimes it scares me that I really don’t know what I would do without Mr. DD. On a related note, it was really, really hard to move out of the place I bought by myself into a place I didn’t pick out (and wouldn’t have).

Oh, I knew planning the wedding would be hard. But why didn’t anybody ever tell me about all this other stuff?!

Did you need to come to terms with getting married, too? Or were you already ready by the time you got engaged?

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35 Responses to “At Least You Don’t Get a Grade”

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1.
SweetSalz21
Member
SweetSalz21 (message)  91 posts, Worker bee

oh Ms. DD, I completely feel your pain.
The biggest issue was my mom. We’re an interfaith couple and both sides of our families are very active in their faiths. His family has welcomed me, no problem. My mom on the other hand… well, it’s taking longer for her to come around.

Plus, while we were engaged and planning the wedding, there were times when all I could think about was “I hope I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.” I would ignore or sacrifice my feelings to make sure my mom’s weren’t hurt.

It’s a very confusing time and no one tells you that. I now know I won’t be asking newly engaged people “Aren’t you having SOOOO much fun?” because, honestly… it wasn’t that much fun.

Now married life…. very nice. Hang in there Ms. DD! It does get better but it also takes time.

 
2.
Lish
Member
Lish (message)  193 posts, Blushing bee

I have to agree… the loss of autonomy has been one of the biggest changes I’ve had to get used to.
It definitely changes your perspective of yourself and makes you realize that the long road to finding out who you are and becoming a person that is stable enough to BE married is the very BEGINNING to the road of finding out who you are with this other person as their spouse.

It’s very… wonderfully hard.
Good, but sometimes so frustrating - it’s a lot of the process - but it’s so much fun learning about him in this way.
And it’s nice to hear a man who took years to say the L word say that he loves me more every day, especially the learning who we’ll be together sort of way.

 
3.
Catalitical
Member
Catalitical (message)  27 posts, Newbee

I understand where you’re coming from - funny enough, half on my side, half on *his* side.

Mine - cohabitation, which didn’t come until 7 years into our relationship for a bunch of different reasons. It’s not that I didn’t want to live with The Man (I really did!), it’s just that… well, he’s a boy. Boys tend to be messy. I’m a total neat freak. And then there’s not letting the cats sleep in bed with us because he’s allergic. A reasonable compromise (I still get to *have* cats), but I really enjoyed waking up to a purring catface or two. We bought a house together in 2006 and it’s been great, but I don’t like going into “his” bathroom at all and sometimes, I miss being on my own.

His - the family thing. His family is… well, they’re not a family, that’s the best way I can describe it. My family “adopts” just about everyone, and friends of mine that my parents haven’t even met end up on the “So how is…” conversation list. For The Man, it’s like there’s a bunch of people that were forced to live together and deal with one another, so they’re connected by mutual experiences and memories but that family bond just isn’t there. So much so that he hasn’t even told his mother we’re engaged, and it’s been almost a year. It’s his choice, and I support him, but I know sometimes it’s hard for him when my very Italian family starts to wrap their arms around him.

Mine - needing The Man as much as I do from time to time has the power to render me speechless and occasionally freaks me the hell out. It’s awesome - I love love! - but it’s also awesome in the “awe” part of the word. Never, ever, ever did I think I’d end up where I am…

It could go on and on. The way I see it, we’re truly fortunate, so when the freaking out starts to happen, I just sit myself down and take a few deep breaths. It’s going to happen, let it wash right over you, then get on with the happy. It’s all about the happy…

 
4.
marylizbeth
Member
marylizbeth (message)  180 posts, Blushing bee

wowza can I relate! There are so many subtle things that change once engaged that no one ever mentions. IN-LAWS are unexpectedly hard!! . I always thought I had a lovely relationship with my FI parents . I never took the time to explain all of my life decisions to them before i had a ring on my finger .. but all of a sudden post engagement ..I felt that each decision I made needed to be announced on egg shells. I was a really independent person and was not accustomed to all of my choices ( personal and professional) effecting others. But I had to except that my “circle” has grown and my life is intertwined with others now. It did get better, and hopefully will continue to improve.
It also does feel odd to be part of a “club”. In one aspect a whole new group of people deem you “valid” which , as you said, makes you wonder what you were before?? But a whole other group of people begin to slowly write you off as “smug marrieds”. I was thrilled to make this huge commitment but not prepared for the way it changed other people’s perceptions of my relationship.
I think the important thing is to communicate your feelings with your FI and acknowledge that things are changing and will continue to do so…this is just the beginning right?

 
5.
tessabella76
Hostess
tessabella76 (message)  3,122 posts, Sugar bee

Great post Miss Dew Drop! It’s a scary thing we you find someone you feel an intense need to be with. I was pretty darn good on my own, but it took me a little time to realize how much better I am with a partner in crime.

 
6.
Bee Icon
Bee
Miss Bruschetta (message)  5,565 posts, Bee Keeper

I was pretty awesome at the starting stuff…but the details and graphic elements freaked me out and still scare me a bit!

Fortunately, we’ve had zero family drama on my side…not so with Mr. Bruschetta’s immediate family, though, unfortunately. :-(

 
7.
Miss Labrador
Bee
Miss Labrador (message)  1,805 posts, Buzzing bee

I love how real and open you are. I feel like I’m really getting to know you as a person. And I totally agree with the marriage club. Luckily, we’re among the last of our friends joining up. It seems easier than if we had been first.

 
8.
Member Icon
Member
ceciliafty (message)  6 posts, Newbee

Thank you for sharing! I share your thoughts exactly. It is great to know that others have gone through the same thing.

 
9.
LatteLove
Hostess
LatteLove (message)  5,587 posts, Bee Keeper

this is SUCH a great post, and I can completely relate to all three points!

Especially the married people club. I hated being treated less seriously until there was a ring on my finger!

thank for saying what many of us couldn’t articulate! Its such a strange transition!

 
10.
Bee Icon
Bee
Mrs. Quiche (message)  3,157 posts, Sugar bee

Love your post :) It is all such a huge change! & I hear ya on the moving in to his place. We did the same thing! I completely remodeled everything that I could in order to make it feel more like “mine” or “ours”. We ended up selling that loft and buying a new place a year or so later. Now, this place is truly “OURS”!

 
11.
MeredithN
Member
MeredithN (message)  110 posts, Blushing bee

Oh DewDrop, i hear ya! I had a successful career and bought my own house all before I even met my man. All my decisions were about ME (or perhaps my two dogs) and NO ONE second guessed my rule. It has definately been a challenge at times—now I am expected to tell someone if I want to go shopping? or go out of town? But the good news, I think it’s good for me! I’m realizing that not being quite as selfish was probably what I needed all along! I wouldn’t trade my past independance for anything though–It made me who I am. I just love being part of a TEAM now. And my partner is pretty amazing :)

I think you worded it well–and recognizing the challenge itself is a huge accomplishment (I think anyway!)

….but this new family business, I just realized that all of my holiday gift-giving duties have TRIPLED!!! I do love my soon-to-be inlaw family thankfully!

 
12.
Member Icon
Member
ScatterbrainedBride (message)  58 posts, Worker bee

I’m still struggling with this! After living on my own for 9 years (well, ok, with roommates but it is NOT the same), moving in with my fiance has been a challenge! It’s definitely a big adjustment to feel like I need to consider someone else when I want to do things - go out with friends, or go out of town. Consider someone else’s feelings? WHA?! We’re adjusting, slowly but surely :-)

Thank you for sharing this! I have loved your posts so far!

 
13.
eileen marie
Member
eileen marie (message)  1,662 posts, Bumble bee

Things will go smoother for you eventually-I promise. We got a late start planning, too. It is very stressful, but you know what? We’re married, & that’s what counts. We had a very smooth dating to engaged to married transition b/c we had been together for 7 yrs when we got engaged, 3 of which were spent living in a place we bought together, which helps.

 
14.
Member Icon
Member
Mandyrosy (message)  205 posts, Helper bee

Good subject! I’m totally in agreement on how difficult it is to learn to live with someone. Thankfully, we moved into a new place together so I didn’t have to deal with things being completely according to his system! It is really hard accepting that all of my decisions are also our decisions, and sometimes I get frustrated with him because he sees that less. I’m very careful about checking with him before making a plan for us, but he doesn’t always ask me before saying I’ll be somewhere (argghhh!) But we’re new at this, and everything takes practice, right?
The married identity issue is especially difficult for me in relation to traditional expectations. He’s a lot more traditional than I am, and that’s led us to our fair share of disagreements! - now resolved, thankfully :)

 
15.
Bee Icon
Bee
Miss Cloud (message)  802 posts, Busy bee

For me, I was ready to get engaged and be married by the time we did. We had lived together for a year, so all of that was good. But the identity thing is killing me. I always assumed I would take his last name, and I want to! But not having MY name makes me feel like I’m not really me anymore.. Its strange this marriage business!

 
16.
Member Icon
Member
sarsk624 (message)  361 posts, Helper bee

Boy do I feel ya on moving into a place I didn’t pick out from one I love. I’m loving your perspective and hearing your independent woman to wife inner monologue.

 
17.
lemondrop
Member
lemondrop (message)  1,193 posts, Bumble bee

That is an interesting perspective that I hadn’t thought about much. I did feel that way early on in the relationship, but over the years we have transitioned into the married lifestyle. I have no problem with any changes to my identity because I feel like I was lost and wandering before we got together. I don’t like doing things without him, but I do try to branch out on my own occasionally and find my own adventures on days we are apart. I also have small struggles with integrating into his family, mostly because my family is very artistic and wierd, and his family is very normal.

 
18.
Miss.Swede
Member
Miss.Swede (message)  46 posts, Newbee

I also agree with being treated differently being engaged. I have a young mom and so many of her freinds are from my younger brothers parents so they are halfway between us and now all of a sudden its like they want me to come hang out to because I seem so responsible all of a sudden. I have felt its more of a change of how people view me then my relationship which is frusterating because I was able to travel for seven months on my own but now that I have a fiancee I can be taken seriously.
Sorry a bit of a rant there!

 
19.
Miss French Bulldog
Bee
Miss French Bulldog (message)  7,730 posts, Bee Keeper

I had (still have) a problem with the being a self sufficient person who now needs someone thing… I totally feel your pain here.

 
20.
Miss Slice
Member
Miss Slice (message)  173 posts, Blushing bee

DD, you are quickly becoming one of my favorite bees! I definitely agree with you (and Frenchie) that it’s hard to think of yourself as “needing” someone else when you’ve been doing just fine on your own for so long.

 
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Mrs. Dew Drop
Mrs. Dew Drop

Miss Dew Drop, San Francisco Age and Occupation: 31, Attorney Fiance's Age and Occupation: 35, Managerial Type at an Internet Company Engagement Date: December 12, 2008 Wedding Date: September 2009 Venue: Ralston Hall Mansion About Me: I'm a food-and-baking-obsessed, occasionally sword wielding Bay Area native who is quickly becoming overwhelmed with planning a wedding and opening a law practice at the same time. (Brilliant move, that one.) I love reading, online shopping, ice cream, my Macbook, Bollywood movies, hoodies, the UCLA Bruins, and of course, Mr. Dew Drop.

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