Wedding Blog

You may recall from back in the day that “dancing” is a language I don’t speak. I know that a lot of people say that they can’t dance and then they bust out these amazing dance moves at their weddings and are obviously just being modest about the whole thing. That is not me, folks. I. Can’t. Dance.

I was the wallflower at junior high dances. I never went to prom. I hide behind centerpieces at weddings when I see everyone shaking their moneymakers (although I know Mrs. Champagne will not allow this when we go to Miss D’orsay’s wedding in a few weeks!!). Needless to say, neither Mr. Candy Corn nor I were looking forward to our first dance. We didn’t have room in our budget to invest in dance lessons and realized during our rehearsal dinner that we had never really practiced. Oops.

I’m getting ahead of myself. REWIND! The bridal party gathered at the entrance of the Upper Egyptian Gallery, where our reception was being held and guests were anticipating our arrival.

“Mah-na mah-na” from the Muppets was blaring through the museum while our wedding party decided if they were blue bubblegum or green apple lovers at heart.

Further proof that I can’t dance lies in the above photo. This is my main move, or what I like to call my “finger jive”, which consists of me raising my two index fingers and moving them in an up-and-down motion. It’s what all the kids are doing. I’m pretty sure if Oprah knew about it she’d put it on her list of favorite things.

I have no idea what I was doing in the photo on the left. It looks like I’m mid-sneeze but I’m pretty sure that was just me trying to contain the giant Mothra in my stomach since I knew our first dance was just moments away. I love Mr. Candy Corn’s flamboyant smile in the photo on the right. He’s a keeper.

During the entire two minutes and fifty-six seconds of the Moldy Peaches song “Anyone Else But You” from the movie Juno, I tried my best to vaguely resemble a normal person. And yes, we picked a first dance song with the lyrics, “Squinched up your face and did a dance, you shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants. I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.” No shame, people. No shame.

We were spinning and shuffling in slow motion and I was hoping our guests would still want to stay for the rest of the reception after witnessing our junior high-style first dance.

Luckily Mr. Candy Corn was good at distracting me and made me forget about everyone watching us. But that only lasted for so long…

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. This is my “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I need to get out of here now!” face. I was wondering if anyone would notice if I slyly sneaked away and left Mr. Candy Corn to do a jig out there on his own.

I’m not sure what all of the excitement was about in the background… I can pretty much guarantee that it wasn’t our dance moves, though! Seriously, look how far apart we were standing from each other. We could fit a clown car filled with all of the bees in the space between us.

Did I mention why these lovely people were lined up behind us? Since our bridal party’s seating was scattered throughout the reception and they were making their grand entrance for the first time together, no one really knew where their tables were.

Moments before we were announced for the first time to our family and friends as “Mr. and Mrs. Candy Corn,” we decided to have our bridal party line up against the wall (no frisking was involved) and take their seats after the first dance. This certainly did not help calm my nerves. Everyone was nice enough to call our dance “cute” even though I knew very well that translated to, “Oh mah gah girl, didn’t you learn anything from your electric slide days?” No, I didn’t. And I most certainly didn’t have the “boogie”.

So, I decided to spice things up by stopping dead in my tracks and telling Mr. Candy Corn we should shuffle counterclockwise to mix things up a bit. This completely caught him off guard and he couldn’t “find the beat” to start moving again, so for a few moments we just giggled nervously at each other. I buried my head in my hands and cackled while he managed to get us back on track by grabbing my hips and swaying me very carefully like I was suddenly an elderly woman with a bad case of arthritis.

But seriously though, I think we spun around a total of seven times, max. We were BARELY moving. The senior folks from Cocoon would have totally whipped our arses in the dancing department.

Toward the end of the song, the Moldy Peaches singer attempts to reach a high note (unsuccessfully), so I plugged my ears and giggled to myself (not pictured, thank goodness).

One of the main reasons I was so embarrassed, apart from the serious lack of skillz and grace, was the fact that our professional dancer friend was staring at us front and center as we sophomorically shimmied in circles. Le sigh.

As were the rest of our guests, who were nice enough to not throw tomatoes (or in our case, buttered rolls).

As the song fi-iiiiiiiiiinally came to a close, I casually made my way off the dance floor. And by “casually”, I mean I ran like hell to hide behind our sweetheart table while Mr. Candy Corn was left standing in the dust!

For those of you who are like, “Less words, more blackmail-worthy footage!” fast forward to the 2:18 mark in the video below to see my insane flailing when I decided to change things up a bit with our shuffling (and please promise to still be my cyber-friend even after viewing such a sad attempt at dancing!).

Our introduction & first dance from Mrs. Candy Corn! on Vimeo.

Our Candy Corny Lovefest: The Bachelorette Party (Rated PG-13 For Brief Chocolate Nudity)
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: Our Rehearsal Dinner (The Last Supper As A Single Lady!)
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: Bridal Bouffants and Blushing Bridesmaids and Boobie Grabbing! Oh, My!
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: The Girlies Get Gussied Up
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: The Girls Hitch A Ride In A Limo!
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: The Guys Get Ready At The Museum
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: Fun & Formal Shots Of The Gals
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: A Bridal Blunder Like No Other
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: The Opening Remarks & Sand Ceremony
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: “I Like You”
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: Saying “I Do”
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: With This Ring…
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: Smile, Like You’ve Got Nothing to Prove
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: Dirty Deets Done Dirt Cheap
Our Candy Corny Lovefest: All you Need is Love (and Approximately 80 Guests)

All photos by the fantastic duo: Laura Kicey & Michael Alan Goldberg!!!