Wedding Blog
Hi hive!
Remember me? Lil’ Miss Bear Cub? I feel awful for being so MIA recently. It’s amazing how much gets piled on your plate at one and a half months out!
The primary reason I’ve been gone for so long is because this past weekend, I went to my best friend’s wedding. I didn’t date my best friend (à la Julia Roberts), but I did date her husband’s brother for 3.5 years. My best friend - my own MOH “E” - got engaged while I was still dating him! I think they’ve been together for a cumulative of 11 years now. Some of the best things come with time. The bride & groom - E+E - had one of the most amazing weddings I’ve ever seen. I didn’t take any pictures myself, but I didn’t need to. Everyone else in attendance was a photographer there! I plan to post a recap on her wedding when I can get my hands on some pics. 
You want to know what it’s like to go to a wedding at your ex-boyfriend’s parents home?
It’s awkward. Very, very awkward.
Planning a wedding doesn’t usually include thinking of exes, let alone seeing them a month before your wedding. Mine does. I’ve known since before I met Mr. Bear Cub that I would be going to my MOH E’s wedding, that it would be at my ex’s parents’ home, and that he would be there. As it just so happens, with his new(ish) girlfriend, too.
This was all sorts of awkward, but I love MOH E, so I tried to make the best of it. Her wedding was amazing, so it didn’t end up mattering that much. But here’s the thing - this wasn’t just any ex. We were together for almost 4 years. I thought we were going to get married. I used to live at his parents’ house with him, take dinner with the family every night, and visit the grandparents on holidays. Really, I was part of the family. I baked and knit with his mom, I went surfing with his brother, and I am best friends with his other brother’s (now) wife. Needless to say, I was pretty certain we would actually be calling each other sister-in-law one day!
Then some things happened, we grew apart emotionally, and I made the biggest decision of my life. I moved to New Mexico for grad school, and he decided not to move with me. I hadn’t wanted to meet anyone in NM. I had wanted to finish a masters degree in 2 years, and move back to California. But I met someone, and now I want to spend the rest of my life with that little bear. He’s so much better for me in every way, and I can’t wait to marry him in a month.
My ex and I haven’t exactly been on the best terms. We’re civil, when need be. Which I think is interesting, based on how we split. We didn’t fight, neither of us really dumped the other. We realized our lives were going in different directions. For a while I tried to be friendly with my ex, but it hasn’t seemed to stick at all. He keeps pushing me away, and then he does something to show that he cares just a teensy bit, and that he wants me to be happy. Aren’t exes such a weird thing? I don’t know if he or his gf know that I blog for WB, so I’ll try to keep this as light-hearted as possible. I did meet his girlfriend at my MOH’s wedding, and if she’s reading, I’d like her to know that I think she’s great for my ex. I think she’s sweet, helpful, and I’m very glad they’re together (I’m too shy and non-confrontational to say so in person!).
I have a philosophical beef with “exes”, in an abstract way. I know Harry told Sally that men can never be friends with women - they will only ever want to sleep with them - but is this really true? Can’t you replace that “love” feeling you once had for someone with a “sibling” feeling? I wish very deeply that I could have a friend/brother relationship with my ex. He’s a very interesting person, and I like to keep interesting people in my life. I don’t want to be with him romantically. I could see hanging out with him like one hangs out with a brother. Or maybe sending him a book once in a while that I think he’ll like, to let him know I still think he’s cool (but I think Mr. Bear Cub is cooler ). I know it’s a fact of life, but why is it so hard to maintain a friendship with an ex, especially when the breakup isn’t bad?
When I visited his parents’ home for the wedding, his mom welcomed me with open arms. She was so happy to see me! And his grandmother was excited and happy to learn I was engaged! I had a wonderful time catching up with his family, but he ignored me completely. I guess it was easier for him to continue telling himself that I don’t exist.
Mr. Bear Cub has been a dream about my wishes to be friends with my ex. He’s been very understanding, and supportive - I’m very lucky to have a partner that cares this much for me.
Am I strange to think that people can move on completely, and evolve their relationship to a true friendship? Does this ever actually happen? In your realization that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your fiancé (or husband), how have you made peace with the exes in your past life?
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Share this post: A Past Life
Great post Miss Bear Cub! I have couple of exes that I’m friendly with but we don’t seem to chat as much now that I’m with my fiance. I think even though they realize our relationship wasn’t meant to be, they are still intimidated a little by my fiance and how happy I am now. Who knows? I think too often we put our exes in the “bad” column when really our relationships with them have helped to mold us into the person we are today.
I love this post! I am friends with a guy that I dated for close to 7 years. After sharing that much of our lives, it was hard not to be friends. We check in with each other, and we have both provided a shoulder to cry on. Our break-up was amicable, so it was fairly easy to transition to friends (after a little time).
Thank you for this post. I can’t even think of what to say, but you have some points that really hit home with me. I have an X or two that was really hard to let go of because of the family and expectations and the way I saw myself fitting in with them, all of them.
The only Xs I can maintain a friendship with are a couple of guys I dated in high school, back when we were just kids trying to figure out what it meant to be with another person.
Ms. Bear Cub, I don’t think you are wrong for thinking you could be friends with your ex. I know people who are friends with their ex’s. I am not one of those people. LOL I was married before Mr. HS and before that was in one other serious relationship. My ex-husband has to talk to me now and then because we have kids but he’s been pretty much a turd to me since the divorce. Then, one day a few months when I had just sent the save-the-dates out for our wedding (his sister is a BM and I invited his parents as well) he called me and said he had a really bad dream about me and wanted to know if I was ok. It was very odd and he really did seem genuinely concerned. It really caught me off guard. We chatted for a few minutes and upon hanging up he said just because we aren’t married anymore doesn’t mean he didn’t care about me anymore. I think that is what it comes down to. I think ex’s pull themselves away because they don’t want to think of you in the same capacity as they once did instead of just the friend capacity.
Wonderful post! I’m still the best of friends with my ex-husband (yup, try to understand that… hehe). We’ve known each other for 15 years, it’s hard to cut someone like that out of your life.
@mary-alice-me: I totally agree on the old exes thing. I have a have a really good friend who I dated back in high school for like 5 months but can’t manage to get to that friend point with a college ex who I dated for close to 2 years.
Thank you for this post! Although I cannot relate (my ex’s are the type you don’t want around) I am so glad to see you try to take a stand. You obviously are surrounded by great people and you deserve for them to treat you with respect. I only hope that he will find his love so he will finally be able to heal the wounds. Remember, you were very lucky to meet Mr. Bear Cub… he still has to meet his version.
One day your kids will be calling each other cousins, I promise! (This happened to a friend of mine’s mom - and they stayed friends and even took family vacations together!)
I have an ex who is a best friend of mine now. But it took years. We dated for most of junior high and all of high school. My first love. After we broke up we didn’t talk for a long time, but somehow we found our way back to being friends and now, we’re good ones. He even consulted me when proposing to his (now) wife. If they were local, we’d probably be couple-friends with them. That said, I have another ex who I barely can talk to without awkwardness, and another whom I have no clue where he is or what he’s doing. Both men I cared about deeply. I guess it’s just a case-by-case basis.
I was with my ex for 2.5 years, and we tried to be friends but it turned out that was just his excuse to try to be around me because he was still in love with me. When I tried to cut that off I got him showing up on his motorcycle at a (then) new job with a rose and leaving love letters on my car WELL after he and I split… and WELL into the beginning of now FI and my relationship! His mom called me and told me I was stringing him along… I told her I was just trying to be friendly and she said I was a “B” … yeah. He never acted like that when we were together, in fact when we were together it seemed like he cared less about me, so I really didn’t get it that he was being so clingy and weird when we weren’t even together. I split ties completely with him and he broke into my cell account (He worked for sprint, not sure if he still does) got the FI’s number and told him that I had slept with him the night before, which was lame because I was with FI on the night in question, lol.
So I guess things are awkward no matter if your “friending” experience is good or bad.
Thank you for such a great, honest post, Bear Cub. In an ideal world, we would only ever love one person, and that person would become our husband. But in reality, most of us “love” more than one person in our lives. It takes maturity to recognize that there are many different kinds of loves, and that while you may have felt love for a boyfriend at the time, you realize it’s not the real thing once you meet that person to share your life with.
Unfortunately, it’s rare that both people in an old relationship can both come to this realization together, as one person tends to walk away from a break-up more hurt than the other. And it’s never easy to go from “I want to marry you” to “I want to be your friend.”
I think it takes a person who is truly content with their life to be able to do that, and a strong, trusting, caring relationship to allow that to happen, so kudos to you and Mr. Bear Cub for finding that in one another! One day, your ex may come around, but it may take longer for him to find the confidence and happiness that you have found.
Interesting post, Miss Bear Cub. I hate to make gender generalizations, but I do think there is some truth to the fact that men are socialized differently and tend to compartmentalize women into distinct categories– like the When Harry Met Sally quote is getting at. I think that it’s an over simplification to say that all men do this all the time. But I think it’s often easier for women to adapt to a new phase in a formerly sexual relationship than a man.
Bear Cub, I think it’s time for the cheesy “all wounds heal with time” line. R and I dated for 3.5 years, and after we broke up, we didn’t speak for almost 3 years. And then, one day I ran into him at the grocery store and we talked for a few mins, and it wasn’t so bad. And then a few weeks later, I ran into him (literally) at a bar, and we talked for like 10 minutes. Now, a year after the grocery store, and 4 years after breaking up, we are finally friends. Sometimes when he’s single he’ll get moody or emotional and I give him some space, because he has admitted that sometimes it’s hard for him to understand that I’m marrying someone else. But most days, he’s a good friend, a great shoulder to cry on, and an extra set of man-hands when I need them.
Last month I found out through Facebook that my ex (THE ex, the one who broke my heart) got married. I’m not friends with him, but we still have some mutual friends and they posted pictures from the wedding. It’s been more than 6 years since we broke up, but I still couldn’t help but feel pretty crappy…so yeah, I can only IMAGINE how you felt. Kudos to you for going through that experience with grace and confidence! 
Wow, Miss BC, that must have been really tough for you. I tried to be friends with the guy I dated before my fiance (we were together for a bit over three years, and thought we were going to get married), but he… well, he never stopped loving ME, so our friendship was a constant attempt for him to get back together with me (and we broke up three times in those three years, all initiated by me, too).
I always wondered where that love went, when you break up with someone, but I’m just not sure.
Great post Miss BC, thanks for sharing! First off, sounds like Mr BC is a fantastic guy…truly non-jealous, unlike other men who say they aren’t jealous but secretly are (okay, women are like that too!).
The ex-situation has always been on my mind. Prior to meeting my fiance, I always maintained that I wanted to be friends with exes, for all the reasons you point out and other commenters have pointed out, spent so much time, so many memories, etc. etc. HOWEVER my mindset completely changed when I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone. I wanted to cut ties completely with any man I had ever loved, or even dated, prior to him. I’m not sure where it came from, but all of a sudden I was uncomfortable with the thought of keeping in touch with another man I was intimate with (mentally or physically) when I had found my future husband. I think about them occasionally but I don’t feel the need to reach out to see how they are doing. Is that insecurity on my part? I don’t know. But my fiance doesn’t keep in touch with any of his exes, so now we are on the same page and it feels good.
I am impressed that you did were able to go up there and have such a good time. I think staying friends with your exes is purely on a case by case basis. I don’t maintain any contact with my exes, but there is one in particular that I would love to still be friends with. He’s not comfortable with that (the ex), and that’s ok. I enjoy running into him and catching up on occasion. My SOs ex is a little crazy, and still harbors feelings for him, so she’s not going to be in his life anytime soon. I think in time, everyone’s relationships sort themselves out, for better or for worse. Now what to do about the break up with the family? Ouch…
Interesting question. I’ve never thought of it. My exes and I are no longer friends for one reason or another. But you make me wonder if it’s necessary to NOT be friends. I don’t think you’re strange to think people can move on to become friends after a romantic relationship; you’re, perhaps, more evolved than the rest of us (read: me!).
I also don’t think its strange to want to be friends with exes. I dated a guy for 3.5 years, and like you, he wasn’t ready to make the next step with me & we grew apart emotionally. We don’t talk as much as we used to, but we try to check in with each other every once in a while. A lot of my girl friends don’t understand why we try to stay friends.
@tessabella76: I absolutely agree that our exes helped to mold who we are today. I wouldn’t have been ready for Mr. BC if I hadn’t done the personal growth with my ex! I’m very thankful to him for teaching me the things he did.
FI’s ex just got engaged actually and is coming to our wedding with her FI. I am completely supportive of their friendship. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be friends with an ex. I was certainly friends with most of mine for at least a little bit of time after we ended our relationship.
This is an interesting post. My exes and I are not friends any longer and, to be honest, I would not want it any other way. As much as we wax on about the fact that men and women (read: exes) should be friends, I don’t believe it is possible without the possible overlapping of emotions at times, and as much as I think (most of) my exes are good people, I wouldn’t ever want our future children to be witness to that. Both my husband and my parents are old-fashioned immigrants, and I grew up secure in that no one in our house ever dated my mother or father, same with my husband’s family. There will come a day when our future children catch to those nuances in conversations or how friends are related to each of us, and I don’t want them to get involved in either of our pasts, so to speak, although we will openly discuss things with them. I just personally think it is healthier for our relationship and family that way. There is no worry about boundaries crossed, and I like that no one in my life knows me as intimately as my husband.
Yes, it can be done. My ex serious bf is now my best friend apart from my FI and will be my male MOH at the wedding, actually. FI and the ex get along great too. We’re very lucky.
This post reminds me of a line in one of Mrs. Cheese’s earlier posts that I have loved ever since I read it…it’s something to the effect of “it’s sad that the people who get to benefit from this grown-up me aren’t the ones who got me here.” If you and your ex didn’t break up on bad terms, I don’t know why he can’t be friends with you since you were clearly an important part of each other’s lives at some point.
My ex and I broke up almost 2 years ago after 3+ years of dating. He didn’t want to be friends at all, especially after I had started to date someone else. But now, he is very close with another ex-gf of his, who cheated on him while they were dating and now has a kid! Our breakup was not related to cheating, so I don’t see why he wants to be her friend and not mine…gotta love exes!
@Miss Hot Sauce: I’m so sorry your ex hubbie has been a turd sometimes. that sucks so much! My ex is basically a turd to me sometimes, too. That’s sweet that he comes through and lets you know he cares - at least once in a while!
@Gator: that’s crazy they call each other cousins! but so cool! I forgot to mention that Mr. BC’s parents are divorced, and remarried. Mr. BC’s mom spends a good amount of time with his dad and his stepmom, though, even at the holidays. It’s taken a long time, but I think they make the best of it (and try to be friends) for their kids.
@BlushingBride530: Actually, I feel very blessed to have loved more than one person (tis better to have loved and lost?). I think it’s a testament to the human experience that we can know so many people so deeply, and care for them so deeply. I’m glad to have had more than one relationship - I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You are right about the confidence, though - I visited him a few years ago (when I had just met Mr. BC), and he told me he hadn’t gotten over me. I’m sure he’s over me now, but my hope is that one day he’ll learn how to sort his feelings without awkwardness.
@Turtle: I wasn’t trying to make gender generalizations - just commenting that this issue has been toyed with before in a comical relief setting. Mr. BC, for example, is a very sensitive person; I could easily see him treating the situation differently in the guy’s shoes. But I do also think that it may be easier for a woman to heal the emotional pains of a past relationship. I think mostly it’s a person-by-person basis, not woman vs man thing.
@pvaulter718: thanks pvaulter . I’m sure you’re right. My best friend IS his sister in law - I’m sure I’ll be seeing him in the future!
@lcneiny: I don’t actually feel the urge to reach out for my ex much anymore - much like you, I’m very satisfied with my life with Mr. BC. I do want to know, from time to time, that things are going well in his life, though.
@Mrs. Perfume: perfume, you’re too cute
I think it is perfectly normal to want to be friends with exes (well, those that ended nicely at least). Each scenario will be completely different, so there isn’t really any clear cut answer to this one. Both people have to be on the EXCAT same page. Same expectations, etc. I do think it is possible, but it just takes time. I have one ex boyfriend that I am still friends with - same situation as you - they let me LIVE with them when I first moved to Chicago until I got on my feet, his mom, sister and I just met for lunch right before the wedding because they were so excited for me, etc.
I am sometimes in touch with one other ex, but he now lives overseas so it’s much more of a “hey, how ya doing?!” type thing every now and then. If he lived here, it might be different, or I might not even be friends with him at all. Who knows!! Like I said, each situation is completely different
I’m glad everything went well for you at the wedding!!
@flbeachbride: I don’t necessarily think that exes SHOULD be friends - I merely think it’s interesting that (for the most part) it’s a rather taboo topic.
@cheerful: that’s so wonderful!! no wonder you’re “cheerful”
Your situation sounds so similar to my FI’s. He had been dating someone seriously for more than 2 years, they broke up, got back together, then he was offered a job in another country. He decided to end that relationship as he said “With his head, not his heart.” He said he knew, rationally, that the relationship would not work, but they had been with eachother so long that his heart still wanted to hold on.
When he moved half-way across the world to a place where they speak a different language, where he had no friends, he had a REALLY hard time. I hadn’t met him yet, but I had moved to the same country around the same time and (aside from breaking up with a long-term sig. other) I was going through the same lonliness and we were only like 15 miles apart!
We met about 8 months after we landed and the rest is history. But he is one of those people who says that the past belongs in the past. He loved this ex of his, cared for her deeply, but he doesn’t want to be in contact with her or try to be “friends.” I am the same way, so I understand him, but its hard for people who aren’t like that, I think. She tried to contact him once, via e-mail. He told me about her email and said he would write her back something short and sweet. He made it clear to her that he doesn’t hate her or wish her ill, but that he does not want her in his life.
I guess its harder to cut someone out like that if you were friends before you were lovers. But for me and for him, all that we remember of that person (the ex) is a romance that didn’t work out, for whatever reasons, and trying to change it into something else, or take that “lover” part out of the relationship and become platonic, somehow takes away from what the relationship meant in the first place. Does that make any sense at all??
@missbearcub: I know you didn’t mean that they should but that was just my take on it. Although I totally agree with Mrs. Perfume that you are way more evolved than me! But another interesting this is that this IS your best friend & MOH, so you are bound to see him around eventually. Might as well be on good terms!
I have an ex that I dated for over 2 years. This was 5 years ago. I still think about him all the time. He never talks to me anymore. I always wanted to be friends with him too. Ever wonder why it is always the guys that won’t be friends with you?
I wish I could get a good closing on that relationship. I am getting married to a man I love now that is perfect for me, but I still always wish there was a better end to my previous relationship.
Yes, I think flbeachbride summed up my feelings better than I could myself. I don’t want anyone knowing me as intimately, or MORE intimately than my FI.
@mskalinin: that really makes complete sense. I think your situation is a little bit different than mine, though - I’ll probably see my ex multiple times over the rest of my life, especially if I stay close friends with my MOH (which I intend to do). My ex didn’t know how to handle his feelings, even a year after we split. He would be a little nasty, first calling me to catch up, then changing his mind and telling me to never contact him ever again - really unprovoked things. I let it drop, and never did contact him, until the wedding this past weekend. In fact, I had full intentions to drop the whole thing, forever. It’s just that seeing him, in his parents house, and really BEING in that past life for a few days was really weird, and reminded me how much I cared for those people dearly. I think it’s wonderful that your fiance is so mature as so be frank with his ex - telling her that he doesn’t wish her ill, he doesn’t hate her, (he probably wants her to be happy in life), but they need to cut ties. If my ex had phrased it like that, I would have been very happy. I certainly don’t intend to pursue any sort of friendship with my ex - it’s not practical, especially right now.
Heheh. I was the MOH in a wedding where I dated the groom briefly (I guess I was the rebound girl). It really wasn’t that weird.
@Miss Bear Cub: Yeah I understand that totally. My FI’s ex and he were friends with ALL the same people (they met in university) so that was one of the major factors in his decision to move to another country. He knew, from the previous break-up, that he would see her all the time when he went out because of the mutual friends, and didn’t want the temptation to go back to something comfortable.
I have never been in that situation, like yours or my FI’s so I can try to understand, but I never will completely. I was always way too scared to date people who I knew amongst friends. My best friend’s ex was interested in me but I never let it happen because we (her ex and I) were friends, and I didn’t want to make her feel awkward. He and I are still real good friends now though, that makes me happy.
I would actually probably be acting like YOUR ex in a similar situation. I guess I am not able to move on from some things.
I wished i could have been friends with me ex, but I think my husband would have thought it was strange, because he is very much a “cut ties” type of guy.
I guess I’m a little disappointed we could never stay in touch (i guess we tried but it always seemed too awkward), but I have stayed in touch with his siblings (i loved his family!)
In fact, his brother and sister in law were our wedding photographers!
@Miss Bear Cub: your post to mskalinin sounds like ours exes were similar. i would hear from my ex especially right before he was about to get into another relationship…he even asked my advice about on of his gf’s and then suddenly he would get weird and not contact me for months and months.
Now that I love so far from him, and have fewer connection I doubt we’ll keep in touch.
Thanks for writing about this so honestly!
It was always more sad to break up with the families for me. The only ex I am friends with is the one I was actually friends with before we dated (makes sense in some ways). The man from my last big relationship before meeting my husband completely stopped speaking to me except for a random Linked In request from him- close to my wedding date of course-because truly I think exes have radars for that.
I’m still very good friends with my ex. We still have issues, and he still treats me like his girlfriend in some respects (jealousy, protectiveness and what not) but in the long run, we’ve tried to make it work. he and i were together 4 years, and could not get our act together. but with my fiance i new he was the one after just a few weeks. I’ve never been happier. I know how you feel though, We shared a cat (our little fur baby buby), i called his mother my mother in law and his sister my sister in law, we talked about marriage and a life together, but this relationship that i’m in now is better. it makes me better. we’re better people because of eachother, and we’re good to eachother. I’m happy, and i dont find myself questioning us the way i did with my ex.
Just to echo Mrs Peony, kudos to you Miss BC and also to Mr BC for being so positive and cool about it all.
I have to say tho that I’m not sure I would want a ‘brother’ type relationship with my own ex (who yes, I also thought was ‘the one’)… the whole reason we broke up was because after 3 years he was treating me more like his little sister than his beloved! I guess ultimately the possibility for a post-relationship-friendship depends on the type of break-up you go through, and also the understanding of both your new partners and consideration of everyone’s feelings. Great, honest post
Wow, kudos to you for being in a very uncomfortable situation and handling it with style! I too wish I could be friends with my ex, but at this point we haven’t spoken in three years or so (not for any bad reason, just haven’t kept in touch) and I feel like if I initiate contact he may get the wrong idea?? I don’t know. sigh.
Very interesting topic. I honestly think that if you guys didn’t rip each other’s head’s off in the breakup process, then you SHOULD be friends, especially if it was a significant relationship. I could never wrap my head around the fact that you would date someone for so long and then just stop being friends with them???? How are people OK with that?? But since I’ve broken up with my ex of 4.5 years, I see it’s easier said than done. It’s hard to be “normal” with someone you were once so close with. Maybe it just takes getting used to…I will keep trying. :T
great post miss BC!! wow—can’t imagine going through what you went through….and with such graciousness…at his parents’ house no less! i believe everyone comes into our lives for a reason and to teach us something about ourselves and our world. some stay for a minute, some for a few years and there are those who leave footprints in our hearts forever. i have such a person in my ex. he was my first love. we don’t communicate. things didn’t end badly. at one point, he tried to come back. i was young and foolish and hurt.
he helped shape the way i am today. it’s sad to me that someone so important is no longer in my life. but, i’ve had lots of people come and go (not just exes, but friends too). i just trust in the universe that that’s how things are supposed to be and if we never see each other again, then it is what it is. like they say, “better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all.”
I actually (inadvertently) introduced one of my exes to his current wife! He is the only ex that I am friends with, but he was such an important influence in my life, and I would never want to lose that. We aren’t best friends. I think I am better friends with his wife, but he is a good person who remains important to me.
um…i meant “than,” not “then.” i don ‘t understand how some posts i can edit, others i can’t?
I’ve tried staying friends with exes before, but it has never quite worked out too well. There was one ex in particular who about two years ago I heard through mutual friends that he had just gotten married to the girlfriend he was with before he was with me. Then last December I went with fiance to the wedding of a friend of mine and guess who just happens to also be there? Ex, with his wife, who he used to date before me. Did I mention that this woman hated me because she thought I broke them up? (I didn’t). Yeah, lots of awkwardness ensued… Fortunately we were seated on opposite sides of the room in the reception, so I only saw them at the very start, with the awkward introductions and small talk. Phew.
Good post. I’m sorry he feels weird about being friends. Some people are just not comfortable in that way. But, I think it’s possible to become friends or even better friends as long as you’re both on the same page.
Oh, Miss BC…I hear ya! I don’t have much contact with my ex, which I dated for 3.5 years. I was a member of his family, too, and sadly had to give that up when our relationship ended. It’s been about 4 years since we were together, and now that I’m getting married (and joining the Peace Corps for 27 months!) I’m trying to reconnect with him. I want to let him know that I still care about him and want good things. We’ll see…some wounds are deep.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
@Andie: yep, I feel ya.
@ladybuglove: so beautifully worded, and true!
@missmck: good luck with the reconnection!
Ive manage to stay friends with only one of my exes and it’s great - we realize we were way better as friend than as a couple , but besides him, I keep no contact with anyone, mostly because they never wanted. And because I was not interested on keeping in my life someone that was not a good person to me ( Realize that after 4 years together - uff)
Like I said some other place - most exes give a rash lol
So far, when I have broken up with someone, we are done for good. I think for me, it’s really challenging to be so close to someone, and then try to dial it down to a platonic friendship. I also wouldn’t want to give a current romance any reason to doubt me or make him feel uncomfortable. It can create a crack in the current romantic relationship if you are in a rough patch. I just don’t think it’s worth it! But to each his own. Thankfully, I have always been able to ditch the old boyfriends - I’ve never *had* to stay in contact for reasons that Ms. BC explains (being besties with the old boyfriend’s SIL.)
Um, I just heard that one of my sisters is seeing an ex of mine now. Does that count? lol Thankfully, we were only together for about 2 weeks.
I think the ability to be friends with an ex has so many variables involved it’s really impossible to make a generalization. Because I feel helpless to speak to the topic generally, I guess all I can do is speak from my own experience. I don’t keep ties with “past life” people unless there’s a really really really good reason. Just don’t. I have had some amazing friendships that carried me through emotionally difficult times, and helped me fumble toward being a more mature, caring person. And then those relationships ended. I’ve had a weird series of mini-relationships that helped me figure out what kind of partner I wanted to be, and what type of relationship I could commit to. And then those relationships ended. In my mind, all of these people are wonderful, have continued to evolve and grow, and are probably totally different than when I knew them (regardless of whether or not they are, it’s better for my positive mindset and serenity to imagine this than to wonder if they really are huge knobs now). For me, cleanly breaking ties with a former way of life has always meant breaking ties with people who entered and were generally only part of that time. The people who are still around are those whose presence in my life has been enriching throughout multiple different stages of my life. And none of those people have ever been Exes.
I’ve never had any exes, so I can’t relate — but I do hold out hope that you and your ex will form a wonderful friendship. =)
There is only one ex that I even attempt to be friends with, my high school sweetheart. While I really want him to be happy, and he wants the same for me, we have a really rough time as well. My FI is extremely jealous, and I really don’t wish any relationship problems on my ex and his gf (whoever that may be at the time).
It would be easy to just cut ties, but his family is still very welcoming and supportive to me (more than my own, really), and he seems to talk to me more than anyone else when he needs support.
The rough thing is when he pushes me away. I still for the life of me can’t figure out why he reaches out to me, but then ignores my emails for months?
On another note, I once tried to stay friendly with another ex, and the guy I started dating right after him ended up becoming great friends with the ex….Awkward!!!
I didn’t read all of the comments, but it seems like it’s easier to be friends with someone when you don’t have feelings for them anymore. B/c you have moved on completely, it’s probably easier for you to see your ex as just a friend, or as a brother. Maybe it’s not so easy for him. Anyway, glad the wedding was fun!
i’m friends with my ex, although we’re not as close as we used to be. i think it has to do with our culture and how other people would think suspiciously if we started talking more than just once a month on the phone and what not.
@Miss Snapdragon: @Miss Snapdragon: i feel exactly the same way, well put Snapdragon and glad to see you buzzing about the hive!
It is possible to get that sibling relationship! I dated my best friend in high school for two years, we really clicked. Things were getting kind of rocky near the end of my senior year as I thought about my life moving on and he still had another year to go.
Needless to say, once I got to college things ended pretty quickly (I actually dumped him for my husband, and we started dating on his birthday … oops). A year later he came to the same college and we reconnected, right back to that old friendship minus any romantic feelings on either side. It’s been pretty awesome.
[...] see them in real life for the first time a little over a week ago! While I was in California for my MOH’s wedding, I had my mom mail me my own copy of our wedding invite. Ladies, it’s a wonderful thing to hold [...]
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Mrs. Cub, Chile/Portland
Age and Occupation: 26, Astronomer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Astronomer
Engagement Date: May 10, 2008
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: Westwind YWCA camp
About Me: I'm a small-town girl who's making a living in Chile, with her heart in the Pacific Northwest. I grew up in Southern California, went to high school in Texas, grad school in New Mexico, and now I can't wait to settle down in Oregon! I love pears, hazelnuts,
knitting, traveling, running, baking, and long talks on the phone with
good friends. I'm planning my Oregon coast summer camp wedding while
abroad with my best friend - I'm always at home when I'm with him!
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