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Weddingbee Blog
Hi hive!
Remember me? Lil’ Miss Bear Cub? I feel awful for being so MIA recently. It’s amazing how much gets piled on your plate at one and a half months out!
The primary reason I’ve been gone for so long is because this past weekend, I went to my best friend’s wedding. I didn’t date my best friend (à la Julia Roberts), but I did date her husband’s brother for 3.5 years. My best friend - my own MOH “E” - got engaged while I was still dating him! I think they’ve been together for a cumulative of 11 years now. Some of the best things come with time. The bride & groom - E+E - had one of the most amazing weddings I’ve ever seen. I didn’t take any pictures myself, but I didn’t need to. Everyone else in attendance was a photographer there! I plan to post a recap on her wedding when I can get my hands on some pics. 
You want to know what it’s like to go to a wedding at your ex-boyfriend’s parents home?
It’s awkward. Very, very awkward.
Planning a wedding doesn’t usually include thinking of exes, let alone seeing them a month before your wedding. Mine does. I’ve known since before I met Mr. Bear Cub that I would be going to my MOH E’s wedding, that it would be at my ex’s parents’ home, and that he would be there. As it just so happens, with his new(ish) girlfriend, too.
This was all sorts of awkward, but I love MOH E, so I tried to make the best of it. Her wedding was amazing, so it didn’t end up mattering that much. But here’s the thing - this wasn’t just any ex. We were together for almost 4 years. I thought we were going to get married. I used to live at his parents’ house with him, take dinner with the family every night, and visit the grandparents on holidays. Really, I was part of the family. I baked and knit with his mom, I went surfing with his brother, and I am best friends with his other brother’s (now) wife. Needless to say, I was pretty certain we would actually be calling each other sister-in-law one day!
Then some things happened, we grew apart emotionally, and I made the biggest decision of my life. I moved to New Mexico for grad school, and he decided not to move with me. I hadn’t wanted to meet anyone in NM. I had wanted to finish a masters degree in 2 years, and move back to California. But I met someone, and now I want to spend the rest of my life with that little bear. He’s so much better for me in every way, and I can’t wait to marry him in a month.
My ex and I haven’t exactly been on the best terms. We’re civil, when need be. Which I think is interesting, based on how we split. We didn’t fight, neither of us really dumped the other. We realized our lives were going in different directions. For a while I tried to be friendly with my ex, but it hasn’t seemed to stick at all. He keeps pushing me away, and then he does something to show that he cares just a teensy bit, and that he wants me to be happy. Aren’t exes such a weird thing? I don’t know if he or his gf know that I blog for WB, so I’ll try to keep this as light-hearted as possible. I did meet his girlfriend at my MOH’s wedding, and if she’s reading, I’d like her to know that I think she’s great for my ex. I think she’s sweet, helpful, and I’m very glad they’re together (I’m too shy and non-confrontational to say so in person!).
I have a philosophical beef with “exes”, in an abstract way. I know Harry told Sally that men can never be friends with women - they will only ever want to sleep with them - but is this really true? Can’t you replace that “love” feeling you once had for someone with a “sibling” feeling? I wish very deeply that I could have a friend/brother relationship with my ex. He’s a very interesting person, and I like to keep interesting people in my life. I don’t want to be with him romantically. I could see hanging out with him like one hangs out with a brother. Or maybe sending him a book once in a while that I think he’ll like, to let him know I still think he’s cool (but I think Mr. Bear Cub is cooler ). I know it’s a fact of life, but why is it so hard to maintain a friendship with an ex, especially when the breakup isn’t bad?
When I visited his parents’ home for the wedding, his mom welcomed me with open arms. She was so happy to see me! And his grandmother was excited and happy to learn I was engaged! I had a wonderful time catching up with his family, but he ignored me completely. I guess it was easier for him to continue telling himself that I don’t exist.
Mr. Bear Cub has been a dream about my wishes to be friends with my ex. He’s been very understanding, and supportive - I’m very lucky to have a partner that cares this much for me.
Am I strange to think that people can move on completely, and evolve their relationship to a true friendship? Does this ever actually happen? In your realization that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your fiancé (or husband), how have you made peace with the exes in your past life?
Great post Miss Bear Cub! I have couple of exes that I’m friendly with but we don’t seem to chat as much now that I’m with my fiance. I think even though they realize our relationship wasn’t meant to be, they are still intimidated a little by my fiance and how happy I am now. Who knows? I think too often we put our exes in the “bad” column when really our relationships with them have helped to mold us into the person we are today.
I love this post! I am friends with a guy that I dated for close to 7 years. After sharing that much of our lives, it was hard not to be friends. We check in with each other, and we have both provided a shoulder to cry on. Our break-up was amicable, so it was fairly easy to transition to friends (after a little time).
Thank you for this post. I can’t even think of what to say, but you have some points that really hit home with me. I have an X or two that was really hard to let go of because of the family and expectations and the way I saw myself fitting in with them, all of them.
The only Xs I can maintain a friendship with are a couple of guys I dated in high school, back when we were just kids trying to figure out what it meant to be with another person.
Ms. Bear Cub, I don’t think you are wrong for thinking you could be friends with your ex. I know people who are friends with their ex’s. I am not one of those people. LOL I was married before Mr. HS and before that was in one other serious relationship. My ex-husband has to talk to me now and then because we have kids but he’s been pretty much a turd to me since the divorce. Then, one day a few months when I had just sent the save-the-dates out for our wedding (his sister is a BM and I invited his parents as well) he called me and said he had a really bad dream about me and wanted to know if I was ok. It was very odd and he really did seem genuinely concerned. It really caught me off guard. We chatted for a few minutes and upon hanging up he said just because we aren’t married anymore doesn’t mean he didn’t care about me anymore. I think that is what it comes down to. I think ex’s pull themselves away because they don’t want to think of you in the same capacity as they once did instead of just the friend capacity.
Wonderful post! I’m still the best of friends with my ex-husband (yup, try to understand that… hehe). We’ve known each other for 15 years, it’s hard to cut someone like that out of your life.
@mary-alice-me: I totally agree on the old exes thing. I have a have a really good friend who I dated back in high school for like 5 months but can’t manage to get to that friend point with a college ex who I dated for close to 2 years.
Thank you for this post! Although I cannot relate (my ex’s are the type you don’t want around) I am so glad to see you try to take a stand. You obviously are surrounded by great people and you deserve for them to treat you with respect. I only hope that he will find his love so he will finally be able to heal the wounds. Remember, you were very lucky to meet Mr. Bear Cub… he still has to meet his version.
One day your kids will be calling each other cousins, I promise! (This happened to a friend of mine’s mom - and they stayed friends and even took family vacations together!)
I have an ex who is a best friend of mine now. But it took years. We dated for most of junior high and all of high school. My first love. After we broke up we didn’t talk for a long time, but somehow we found our way back to being friends and now, we’re good ones. He even consulted me when proposing to his (now) wife. If they were local, we’d probably be couple-friends with them. That said, I have another ex who I barely can talk to without awkwardness, and another whom I have no clue where he is or what he’s doing. Both men I cared about deeply. I guess it’s just a case-by-case basis.
I was with my ex for 2.5 years, and we tried to be friends but it turned out that was just his excuse to try to be around me because he was still in love with me. When I tried to cut that off I got him showing up on his motorcycle at a (then) new job with a rose and leaving love letters on my car WELL after he and I split… and WELL into the beginning of now FI and my relationship! His mom called me and told me I was stringing him along… I told her I was just trying to be friendly and she said I was a “B” … yeah. He never acted like that when we were together, in fact when we were together it seemed like he cared less about me, so I really didn’t get it that he was being so clingy and weird when we weren’t even together. I split ties completely with him and he broke into my cell account (He worked for sprint, not sure if he still does) got the FI’s number and told him that I had slept with him the night before, which was lame because I was with FI on the night in question, lol.
So I guess things are awkward no matter if your “friending” experience is good or bad.
Thank you for such a great, honest post, Bear Cub. In an ideal world, we would only ever love one person, and that person would become our husband. But in reality, most of us “love” more than one person in our lives. It takes maturity to recognize that there are many different kinds of loves, and that while you may have felt love for a boyfriend at the time, you realize it’s not the real thing once you meet that person to share your life with.
Unfortunately, it’s rare that both people in an old relationship can both come to this realization together, as one person tends to walk away from a break-up more hurt than the other. And it’s never easy to go from “I want to marry you” to “I want to be your friend.”
I think it takes a person who is truly content with their life to be able to do that, and a strong, trusting, caring relationship to allow that to happen, so kudos to you and Mr. Bear Cub for finding that in one another! One day, your ex may come around, but it may take longer for him to find the confidence and happiness that you have found.
Interesting post, Miss Bear Cub. I hate to make gender generalizations, but I do think there is some truth to the fact that men are socialized differently and tend to compartmentalize women into distinct categories– like the When Harry Met Sally quote is getting at. I think that it’s an over simplification to say that all men do this all the time. But I think it’s often easier for women to adapt to a new phase in a formerly sexual relationship than a man.
Bear Cub, I think it’s time for the cheesy “all wounds heal with time” line. R and I dated for 3.5 years, and after we broke up, we didn’t speak for almost 3 years. And then, one day I ran into him at the grocery store and we talked for a few mins, and it wasn’t so bad. And then a few weeks later, I ran into him (literally) at a bar, and we talked for like 10 minutes. Now, a year after the grocery store, and 4 years after breaking up, we are finally friends. Sometimes when he’s single he’ll get moody or emotional and I give him some space, because he has admitted that sometimes it’s hard for him to understand that I’m marrying someone else. But most days, he’s a good friend, a great shoulder to cry on, and an extra set of man-hands when I need them.
Last month I found out through Facebook that my ex (THE ex, the one who broke my heart) got married. I’m not friends with him, but we still have some mutual friends and they posted pictures from the wedding. It’s been more than 6 years since we broke up, but I still couldn’t help but feel pretty crappy…so yeah, I can only IMAGINE how you felt. Kudos to you for going through that experience with grace and confidence! 
Wow, Miss BC, that must have been really tough for you. I tried to be friends with the guy I dated before my fiance (we were together for a bit over three years, and thought we were going to get married), but he… well, he never stopped loving ME, so our friendship was a constant attempt for him to get back together with me (and we broke up three times in those three years, all initiated by me, too).
I always wondered where that love went, when you break up with someone, but I’m just not sure.
Great post Miss BC, thanks for sharing! First off, sounds like Mr BC is a fantastic guy…truly non-jealous, unlike other men who say they aren’t jealous but secretly are (okay, women are like that too!).
The ex-situation has always been on my mind. Prior to meeting my fiance, I always maintained that I wanted to be friends with exes, for all the reasons you point out and other commenters have pointed out, spent so much time, so many memories, etc. etc. HOWEVER my mindset completely changed when I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone. I wanted to cut ties completely with any man I had ever loved, or even dated, prior to him. I’m not sure where it came from, but all of a sudden I was uncomfortable with the thought of keeping in touch with another man I was intimate with (mentally or physically) when I had found my future husband. I think about them occasionally but I don’t feel the need to reach out to see how they are doing. Is that insecurity on my part? I don’t know. But my fiance doesn’t keep in touch with any of his exes, so now we are on the same page and it feels good.
I am impressed that you did were able to go up there and have such a good time. I think staying friends with your exes is purely on a case by case basis. I don’t maintain any contact with my exes, but there is one in particular that I would love to still be friends with. He’s not comfortable with that (the ex), and that’s ok. I enjoy running into him and catching up on occasion. My SOs ex is a little crazy, and still harbors feelings for him, so she’s not going to be in his life anytime soon. I think in time, everyone’s relationships sort themselves out, for better or for worse. Now what to do about the break up with the family? Ouch…
Interesting question. I’ve never thought of it. My exes and I are no longer friends for one reason or another. But you make me wonder if it’s necessary to NOT be friends. I don’t think you’re strange to think people can move on to become friends after a romantic relationship; you’re, perhaps, more evolved than the rest of us (read: me!).
I also don’t think its strange to want to be friends with exes. I dated a guy for 3.5 years, and like you, he wasn’t ready to make the next step with me & we grew apart emotionally. We don’t talk as much as we used to, but we try to check in with each other every once in a while. A lot of my girl friends don’t understand why we try to stay friends.
@tessabella76: I absolutely agree that our exes helped to mold who we are today. I wouldn’t have been ready for Mr. BC if I hadn’t done the personal growth with my ex! I’m very thankful to him for teaching me the things he did.
FI’s ex just got engaged actually and is coming to our wedding with her FI. I am completely supportive of their friendship. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be friends with an ex. I was certainly friends with most of mine for at least a little bit of time after we ended our relationship.
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Mrs. Cub, Chile/Portland Age and Occupation: 26, Astronomer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Astronomer Engagement Date: May 10, 2008 Wedding Date: September 2009 Venue: Westwind YWCA camp About Me: I'm a small-town girl who's making a living in Chile, with her heart in the Pacific Northwest. I grew up in Southern California, went to high school in Texas, grad school in New Mexico, and now I can't wait to settle down in Oregon! I love pears, hazelnuts, knitting, traveling, running, baking, and long talks on the phone with good friends. I'm planning my Oregon coast summer camp wedding while abroad with my best friend - I'm always at home when I'm with him!
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