Wedding Blog
When I was a child, my first name was the bane of my existence.
People kept adding extra syllables to it. Or realizing that the last syllable of my name rhymes with “sneeze”.
I tried to correct the people who actually meant to say my name properly, but it would only work for a few days at a time. Then they would inevitably segue back into some horrible bastardization.
Of course, I was far too embarrassed to correct them a second time. This meant that some of my childhood friends said my name wrong for years. Um, okay, it’s possible they still do.
So, yes, I was an adult before I came to terms with having a super-unusual name. But now I kind of like it. It’s not like I’ll ever run into anyone else in the room with the same name. And I get to be a little bit mysterious, which is kind of fun.
It also goes together rather well with my last name. Together, my whole name sounds pretty solidly Indian (although my first name is not really an Indian name but a derivation of Persian name).
I never considered changing my last name at all until I got engaged. Now I’m still pretty lukewarm about the idea.
My first name and Mr. DD’s very American-sounding last name just sound funny together. And I’m really not ready to go back to having name angst.
Besides that, my last name feels like an essential part of my identity. I don’t think I’ll feel quite like myself if I change it. I grew up with this name. I became a lawyer with this name.
And, anyway, this whole getting married thing already has me confused enough about who I am. Avoiding more confusion can only be a good thing.
Yes, Mr. DD would like it better if I took his name. But he knows I don’t want to. And he’s been really understanding about it. He’s not going to pressure me.
As for our future children, yes, I’ll have a different last name than they do. I don’t think this is a big deal. I’ve had friends whose mothers kept their maiden names. They turned out pretty okay.
So what about you? How do you feel about your name? And how do you feel about changing it?
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I’m pretty nonchalant about it. I’ll be taking his name, but funnily enough, he was the one who asked me if I was sure I wanted to, and even made sure to ask if I had any male cousins with my last name, so that it would “live on”. =D It’s true, I’m used to the sound of my last name. But I’m more than eager to take on his as a new part of my identity.
I’m glad that your fiance is supportive of your decision. =) Shows you picked the right one, hey?
I changed my name, but I’ve been wanting a new name since I was about 12. I think if I were in your situation, I’d keep my maiden name too!
My last name is long, complicated and Italian. My finacee’s last name is short, easy, and Italian. I feel like I’m trading up but that’s because I’m not that attached to my last name. I totally understand your reluctance though.
The only thing I will say about keeping your maiden name and giving your kids their dad’s last name is that if you try to take them out of the country on your own (without their dad, I mean — say he left earlier and you were meeting him, or he needed to stay behind for a couple days), security can get a bit…belligerent, even if your husband makes sure to give you a letter acknowledging you as their mother. It happened to my aunt, unfortunately, when she was in the middle of a cross-country mood from Canada to California. The customs officials in the US were…less than professional about it.
Your kids could always have your last name as their middle or second middle name? That way their names reflect both families.
I always wonder about this in intercultural relationships - I have a Korean friend who already has a very English-sounding first name, and is now taking her husband’s German last name. She’s worried about losing her Korean identity but really loves the idea of taking his name - it was a difficult decision! I think I would keep my name in your situation.
I kind of want to take my fiance’s name just to keep things simple (and I love the name), but I am worried about not feeling like myself. ..hmmm.
i’m having a hard time with it too. i always thought about taking my future husband’s name when i was younger but now that i’m making the decision it feels funny. it doesn’t help that my first name and his last name start with the same letter so my new name sounds a bit storybook characterish.
whenever i get married i am definitely taking his last name, but since you’re an attorney you stand to lose more than just your personal identity, it will become difficult because you’ve established yourself in your career and it may take a while to reestablish yourself if you completely remoev your name (i was a court reporter for four years). my son and i have different last names because his father and i were never married. i am called by his last name all the time at school which is pretty annoying, so just be prepared for that or the strange looks from strange people. Good Luck!!!
i have no real attachment to my last name. it’s common and i have always pressed my identity into my first name. i guess because i always knew i’d’ be changing my last name [i had been wanting to since i was little...i hated sitting in the front of the class!].
I completely understand why you are keeping your last name and I think it’s great that your fiance is being so supportive. I’m taking my fiance’s last name because I’m not very attached to mine. My parent’s are divorced so all the last names in my family have been changed. I kind of like the idea of starting our family with his last name, a new one for me. It’s kind of like a fresh start.
I totally hear where you’re coming from! I’m keeping my last name - I would be open to hyphenating, but it would be a ridiculously long last name.
I have a relatively common French last name, that 90% of people I meet can’t pronouce. The Mr. has a very uncommon Dutch last name that pretty much no one pronouces properly… so I definitely wouldn’t be making it easier on myself by changing! But I really identify with my name, and I’m totally fine with our kids having his name (well really, it’s the boys that “have” to have it to “carry it on” as it were). I think it’s more common than ever for kids to have different names than their parents - for whatever reason, and don’t forsee any issues with that.
the fiance and I are also struggling with this. His last name is hyphenated and I just so love my last name. We have discussed scraping both of our last names and taking on a brand new one. Changing last names is a difficult (and touchy!) thing and I give you props for knowing what you want to do!
My first and maiden name flow together so easily that everyone basically calls me by my whole (maiden) name a lot. When I was little, I resented it but now that I’ve just gotten married, I realized I liked it so much I am changing my last name to my middle name and adding my husband’s last name. It works well for me 
I really don’t see why kids always take the father’s last name…
I’m glad that people are thinking about this so much more these days. I think a bit of introspection is always a good thing!
I have a very common first name, and a unique Japanese last name. My fiance has a unique Norwegian last name. I used to think about changing my last name when I was younger, but now, I’m almost 30, settled in my successful career, and finally engaged, and I don’t plan on changing my last name (to my dad’s… horror?). FI is very supportive, and actually couldn’t care less if I took his name or not. I agree on the children thing — I don’t mind the prospect of having kids with a different last name. Besides, they’ll look more like me than fair-skinned, strawberry-blond-haired FI.
Just a side note: the final straw to convince me to stop considering changing my name is that his aunt’s name is my-first-name his-last-name. right now, if you googled my name, every entry that comes up is me. I can’t quite handle the concept that if you googled my name if I changed it, it wouldn’t be me that came up.
I love that these days we can really choose to do whatever we want with our names. In my case, thinking about taking my husband’s very Italian last name was a strange feeling because I don’t feel Italian at all. I was defining myself in a negative way — I’m not Italian, so why would I have a name that suggests I am? In the end, I made the change, and it’s kind of fun.
I think it’s great that you found something that felt right and worked for you. I think we’re all different, so it’s good that we all have options. I changed my last name, but only because I had my dad’s last name and I don’t have a relationship with him. A friend of mine described it as picking the name of the guy I chose, rather than the one I happened to be stuck with. 
I think if I had had my mom’s last name, I would have kept it.
I feel 100 percent the same way. Although, my unusual name is my last name. I don’t want to give it up and my FI is 100 percent supportive of the choice. I’ve been surprised by the response of other people.
@Jenniphyr: Wow, that is amazing, I never thought of that, that it might be an issue traveling with your kids. I definitely DON’T like the idea of having to travel with a letter from my husband saying it’s OK and you’re the mother. Yowza!
Glad Mr. DD is so supportive about you keeping your name. May I ask why you made the decision to not give your future children your last name instead of his? Did you also consider hyphenating?
Keeping my name. Do what feels right to you, there are so few hard and fast rules out there these days, so don’t fret.
Didn’t change it, and our daughters are getting my last name. But I grew up with 3 last names in my nuclear family, so I’m not worried about everyone needing the same name to feel included. The “togetherness” of a family is determined by the love within it, not the name that you are know by.
My name is always spelled wrong. My first name has 1 “L” but everyone spells it Michelle. My last name is a polish name see even people close to me spell it wrong. I’ll be changing my name once we’re married. He’s got a very simple last name and out daughter has his last name as well so it will be nice to all have the same last name.
Hi DD
I am exactly the same as you… first name is Arabic/Persian and last name is Pakistani, and am also a 31 year old lawyer marrying a English man with a very English sounding last name. I don’t want loose my last name… I love it and love the idea of being identified by it. My darling fiance has willingly accepted that for professional and personal reasons, I would like to hold on to my name and that is that. There are so many bigger issues out there in the world to worry about.
We’ve come to an understanding about out children, they will have his English last name and Arabic/Pakistani first names and I will be the odd one out… but I can handle that!
So Miss DD, rest assured that you are not alone in your choice on this one!
I’m adamant about our future kids having my name AND Mr. Bru’s name — not hyphenated, but just THERE all the time (first middle mine his) — so we both have that connection to our children!
I can’t wait to change my name! It makes me excited just thinking about it! I guess I find it hard to understand not changing your name upon marriage - not that I’m knocking it - I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it! But I say stick to your guns. If that’s how you feel - don’t change your mind for the heck of it!
i’m still hesitant on changing it, although i know i will. mostly i’m afraid my name will lose it’s culture since my future last name is very american sounding.
I’m still going back and forth about this one myself.
We aren’t having kids, so I don’t feel the need to change my last name for that reason. He would like me to change my last name to his, but knows it’s my decision and he knows me well enough to know I probably won’t. On the one hand, I love LOVE my Italian last name. On the other, I wonder if taking his last name will make me feel more of a Mrs. and not a Miss-who-has-a-husband. (I’ve never thought these things before, please don’t yell at me!!!)
On one hand, his last name with my first name sounds like some freaky kind of Finnish curse (he’s a Finn). On the other hand, if I hyphenate our last names as Mine-His, I’ll be Mrs. BJ and *that* is pretty freakin’ funny if you ask me… But will our two names together be too long to fit on formal paperwork? With 6 characters to mine and 7 for his, plus the hyphen, it’s very possible. I know I could move my last name to a middle name and take his last name, but that doesn’t get around the Finnish curse problem, and it creates a problem for me - the loss of my middle name, which I use in my full name.
All in all, I probably won’t take his last name, but a part of me really really wants to!
Thanks for all your responses to this. I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who’s given this issue a lot of thought!
@Lillindy: I haven’t thought seriously about giving our future children my last name. They’ll be Mr. DD’s children too, after all, and it doesn’t feel right to me to insist on my last name. Also, I might have hyphenated if Mr. DD wasn’t so supportive of my desire to keep my own name. Luckily he was!
@nin: I really like your comment about the togetherness of a family not being defined by name. That’s definitely how it should be.
@samjam: Whoa, we have a lot in common!
@Miss Bruschetta: I think that’s a really good solution. Hmm…and definitely something I’m going to think about.
I wasn’t too thrilled about switching my uncommon french last name for a common spanish last name, especially since my first name is french and now it sounds strange together (to me at least), but it wasn’t really something that I could ever *not* do. I’ve always wanted to have the same last name as my husband.
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Miss Dew Drop, San Francisco
Age and Occupation: 31, Attorney
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 35, Managerial Type at an Internet Company
Engagement Date: December 12, 2008
Wedding Date: September 2009
Venue: Ralston Hall Mansion
About Me: I'm a food-and-baking-obsessed, occasionally sword wielding Bay Area native who is quickly becoming overwhelmed with planning a wedding and opening a law practice at the same time. (Brilliant move, that one.) I love reading, online shopping, ice cream, my Macbook, Bollywood movies, hoodies, the UCLA Bruins, and of course, Mr. Dew Drop.
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