Weddingbee Blog

Weddings are about the bride (and, sometimes the moms).

There, I said it. Because it’s usually true. Sure, there are exceptions. A small percentage of the time it’s the groom who wants and facilitates the wedding, but wouldn’t you agree that most of the time, the responsibility behind dreaming up, planning and orchestrating the wedding falls mostly on the bride?

Before anyone gets their panties in a bunch (or their, um, boxers in a bind), I’m not saying that men don’t want to get married. But the wedding? It’s generally a girl thing. Expensive dresses, flowers, colors, themes, family etiquette, delicate decorations: these do not scream “testosterone” to me. It’s not that the men force these tasks on us though: most women eagerly take them on. It’s our wedding day! It’s time to make some paper products! To taste some entrees! To register for china patterns and KitchenAid Mixers! To browse through hundreds of possible bouquet arrangements!

Sometimes, though, we might get a little too caught up in wedding tasks. Because with the responsibility of throwing a fabulous event comes stress. And deadlines. And the notion that we Must. Please. Everyone. And the complaint that Nobody. Is. Pleasing. Us. And the inevitable, rational, but entirely unwelcome “Don’t worry, it’s not that important, it’ll all come together” speech from our fiances. The speech that prompts us to shoot them a look so severe that they question whether we’re actually capable of shooting fricken’ laser beams from our fricken’ heads.

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Because seriously. “It’ll all come together?” Yeah it will. ’Cause I will MAKE IT COME TOGETHER. Beyotch.

Ahem. A wedding is the celebration of the love we share with our groom. We’re going to become partners for life, joined in the eyes of our friends and family, God, and/or the government (if we’re fortunate enough to have our marriage recognized in that way). Sometimes, we brides forget that.

Instead, a lot of couples unfortunately feel like this on their wedding day:

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Here’s how we should feel (because, excuse me? We’re getting MARRIED!!!):

[Modeled by the adorable Mr. & Mrs. Swan]

One thing we all need to do is to remember that our grooms are part of this wedding. What better way to start a lifelong partnership than by planning the party together? Are there things he likes or doesn’t like about the wedding plans? Find out and try to incorporate his tastes and interests in to yours if possible. Maybe he doesn’t want to be involved (or can’t be). That’s fine. Just make sure you don’t forget to offer.

If he does want to be involved, don’t simply ask his opinions when necessary. Invite him to participate. He may enjoy working with you on various wedding tasks. I really enjoyed working on the picnic invitations with Mr. Mary Jane. We got to spend some quality time together (that didn’t involve movies, eating or commuting), and it gave us time to converse as well. His help also quickened the process exponentially (and I didn’t have to round a single corner myself!). If you can’t work together, split up your to-do list and assign him some tasks of his own. (Hint: Don’t demand that he “must do X and Y by Friday,” instead ask if he has time to help you check X and Y off your list.)

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Also, keep in mind that most grooms aren’t spending their free time immersed in the world of Weddingbee, TheKnot, and the myriad of wedding blogs, message boards and communities available via the World Wide Web. Don’t assume that they’re wedding experts (and don’t act like you’re one, either: pooh-pooing his “completely tacky” suggestions without a second thought)! Throughout our planning process, Mr. Mary Jane has brought up a variety of questions that helped to remind me that he’s not a wedding guru:

Are there any traditions I’m supposed to know about for the wedding day?
Mr. Mary Jane wanted to know about things he’s seen glimpses of through skimming some of the posts on Weddingbee. Things like gift exchanges, engravings, first looks, etc. I already had a good idea of what we would and wouldn’t do on the day-of, but I hadn’t shared any of this with him.

Why wouldn’t the registry information go in the invitation?
Mr. MJ made a statement regarding this way back when we were thinking of doing the whole shebang: a big wedding. This is such a common question asked by pretty much everyone who’s never been a bride or a bridesmaid. And it’s got such valid points. Including the info makes sense. But OH MY GAWD, it’s SO WRONG according to everything we’ve read. So ladies, don’t chuck your hardcover copy of Miss Manners at your groom when he asks you this question.

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How will I place the ring on your finger?
Don’t forget to discuss this with your groom. Some women take the e-ring off entirely until after the ceremony. Some allow the wedding band to be placed in front of the engagement ring, and then flip them quickly after the ceremony. Others take off their e-ring and have the groom slide both rings back on during the ceremony. Still others move it to their right hand. (I’ve heard stories of grooms unsure of which hand to place the wedding band on because the bride moved her e-ring without mentioning it to him.) Mr. Mary Jane had assumed that the wedding ring and engagement ring would be fused together prior to the wedding, allowing it to act as one ring during the ceremony. This isn’t the case, but he didn’t know because I never mentioned it. Talk to your groom and make sure he knows (and approves of) your plan.

What is the wedding day schedule?
Our wedding is late in the afternoon on a weekday, so Mr. Mary Jane was of the mind that he’d go to his classes on the day of our wedding. I saw a thread on the boards recently from a disappointed bride-to-be whose fiance told her he plans to work on their wedding day. Make sure you and your groom are on the same page regarding the wedding day timeline. You’ll have no problem filling your day with primping and adjusting and beautifying and last-minute-detailing; are there things you’d like your groom to take care of on that day? And what activities would make him happy on his wedding day? What does he want (or not want) to do? What are his expectations for how the day’s going to play out?

Is ______ normal/expected/traditional?
This relates to pretty much anything aside from the ring exchange and the white dress. Your groom probably doesn’t know what’s “normal”, wedding-wise, and/or what will seem weird to guests. Will guests be put off by having assigned seats at the reception? Is an aisle runner something that normal people have? What’s with this “sand-ceremony” business? Your groom may not know. In our case, Mr. Mary Jane questioned the picture and “about us” info in our invitations, the notion of displaying parents’ wedding photos at the picnic, and a few other ideas I suggested. (Of course, it’s OK to say “No, it isn’t normal at all, but I’d like to do it anyway, are you game?”)

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By treating the wedding like an event for both of you (even if you’ve taken over the bulk of the planning), you can help ensure that you’ll both come out of it feeling satisfied that it was a perfect day you created together. It made Mr. Mary Jane happy to help with the invitations: he was proud of the work we did together to bust them out so fast. He also really enjoyed picking out our rings together, meeting our photographer together, and even helping me pick out a wedding dress (and we all know THAT took forever). Weddings are no video game, car show, Super Bowl, or [insert other manly-man activity here], but they’re still something that most grooms can appreciate being a part of (even if it’s just because they know it’s so important to their sweetheart).

Is or was your groom involved with your wedding (if he wants to be)? Has he asked you any questions about elements that your bridal blog-addicted-self assumed were common knowledge?