Wedding Blog
I am blessed on the wedding front. I was among the first of my friends to get engaged, and dutifully, my family, best friends, and bridesmaids went all-out and provided me with the full “bridal” experience that I was hoping for, but wasn’t necessarily expecting. I really got the “bridal works”. In turn, as my close friends travel their own roads to the altar, I’m more than happy to participate in all their wedding festivities. After all, they all did it for me, and so, without batting an eyelash, I try to participate in as many of their wedding festivities as I can (and at LEAST the minimum of activities that they participated in for me. If a friend made the time to come to my bachelorette, neither hell nor high water would prevent me from going to hers!).
A friend of mine is getting married this weekend, and I’m so excited to travel down to Southern California and reconnect with friends for a few days. I thought about if it was appropriate or not to write this post, because money is always a touchy subject. But I wanted to sit down and document how much money I’ve spent on the wedding festivities surrounding her wedding. I do want to reiterate how this isn’t some kind of jilted guest post—this particular friend participated in all my wedding activities just a year ago. And it seems as if in our busy lives, weddings are really the only events left that get all our friends together in one place at one time anymore. So, for that, no matter the cost, we are grateful!
Shower:
Gift: $50 (made stationery)
Travel: $35 for rental car that day (I was in town anyway, but required a rental car that day to get from where I was staying to the shower)
Bachelorette Party:
Travel to (Oakland to Las Vegas flight): $260
Cab/Shuttle fares (various throughout the weekend): $100
Lodging/gift chip in/cabana chip in/bottle service at club chip in: $275
Food (including chip in for bride’s meals) 4 meals: $100
Wedding:
Gift: $125
Travel (gas to drive round trip to Southern California): $80
Lodging (2 nights): $250
Food for 2 people (Mr. Peng and me): $120
TOTAL: $1395
This, by far, isn’t the most I’ve spent to attend a wedding. My best friend got married in London a few years ago, and in turn, I spent a week in the UK, which was a total blast, but was rough on the wallet!
Knowing that many of my friends have already gone through the “financial strain” of attending my own wedding makes me brush these costs off. But sometimes I wonder how I’d feel about all these costs if I weren’t married or engaged yet. I’d be lying if I didn’t look at that grand total and be a bit… overwhelmed.
Do you find that it’s harder to get your unwed friends on board the bridal “party” train? What’s the most you’ve spent to attend a wedding?
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I haven’t ever spent quite that much, but I do find them even pricier whenever you a member of the bridal party. Factor in the $200-$250 dress, the $50 shoes, accessories, etc and the grand total line get scary. It was especially hard for me last year when I was in 4 weddings one summer.
You know, I wonder if we all spend more than we think we do because we don’t actually lay it all out like that. Typically, you think about what you spent on the gift, or a weekend party or getting to the wedding, but you don’t take the time to total it all together. I’ve probably done the same thing in the past!
Pengy - thank you for bringing this up! Pre-wedding, I would have been appalled at spending this much! Post-wedding…I think I even go out of my way to ensure that I’ve put in the equivalent effort of attending, gifting, paying for the bride and her events. If it’s a closer friend, or sister - there’s more added- like helping her make things for the wedding, or buying wedding items for her, and not asking for reimbursement!
Although - for Vietnamese weddings, if you are in the bridal party, hair, makeup and gown(s) are covered by the bride, so this makes it easier on the wallet.
Maybe. Not many of my friends have gotten married yet, but I know I balked at the associated expenses for my step-sister’s wedding. (But not for my FI’s schoolmate’s wedding, so maybe it’s just a function of how much I like the people getting married! ;))
Great post! Luckily I haven’t attended any “destination weddings” yet so it hasn’t hit me as hard in the wallet. Most of mine have been local…
Thanks for writing about this topic. So many people shy away from the “money issue” which may just be a reason it is such a tender topic for discussion.
This is a great post, and I’m interested in hearing what others have to say. I, too, am concerned about asking too much financially to attend our wedding. Many of our friends are just out of college and living far away (some still unemployed), so I don’t want them to feel monetarily burdened just to attend my wedding and its festivities. But on the same note, I’d pawn my left kidney before missing a close friend’s wedding. Pengy’s right: It’s practically the only chance to see everyone you love all in one night 
oh goodness! at this point in our young, newlywed lives, we wouldn’t be able to afford to attend weddings out of state. I did attend my bridesmaid’s wedding in MI (from San Diego) last month, but couldn’t afford to have flown out two weekends before for her bachelorette, and because only her family threw her showers, I wasn’t invited to any.
I think the total cost on that trip was about $450 and it really did some damage to our budget! At least most brides know their wedding details far enough ahead of time to plan for the trip, both financially and otherwise.
Almost all of my friends are already married except for one of my bff’s and my son’s godmother.
I’ll go to the ends of the earth for her! I also shared your feelings Pengy about being there for my friends on that important day!
You’re one helluva friend you know it? Hugs.
this is a hard post to read. It really hurts me to see that all these other brides have such nice friends who take them out and even fly with them to crazy bachelorette party weekends in vegas. I would have loved to have that too, but none of my friends in my bridal party even offered to plan anything. None of my friends have spent anything for me except for the gifts at my shower and their bridesmaid dresses.
I spent a lot to be in a wedding a few years ago - somewhere around $1000. That girl is in my wedding now and I haven’t seen her put any effort into helping or planning at all.
This is just disappointing.
I hear ya! I went to all my friend’s wedding activities and even though I would do it all again in a heartbeat, I don’t want to add up the final total!
i think this is a great post. I have no idea how much I spent last year for one of my best friends weddings. I threw her a bachelorette party in Ann Arbor- flights from DC, hotel, champagne, food, tickets to the football game, gift then I went to another bachelorette party in Chicago a month later, flights, gift, food & drink, then for the wedding a month later- dress, shoes, mani/pedi, hair, hotel, gift, etc… it was extremely expensive, but it was worth it.
I know that weddings get expensive, but for your very closest friends I guess it’s just always worth it. Looking back 5 years from now, I’d be more upset about missing it rather than the money i spent on being there… this i say as i’m about to purchase tickets to a wedding in Thailand for next Feb… ekkk!
@Marigold — ditto! I have learned that I’m going to be more careful about friends’ weddings in the future, as I recently spent $300 on a never-to-be-worn-again dress… to be an usher in a wedding. But, when my best friend/MOH gets married, whenever that may be, I’ll be more than happy to go all out for her.
I think the usher experience has just made me try to be a more considerate bride-to-be, and not expect my friends to spend loads of money on all things wedding related for me.
I am really glad you posted this. I myself have gone well beyond my means in the past just to make someone feel special, and while I am happy to do it, I can’t deny it’s a struggle. Now that I’m the bride, I want all the fun activities too, but I don’t want anyone to feel like they’ve overspent their time or money on me.
I think as long as you recognize what you’re getting into and budget for it, you’re fine. But I think many of us think, “oh, it’s ~$500 for gift and bridesmaid dress, etc.” when in actuality it’s closer to the $1400 figure you site above!
@amariem25: Honestly, there have been many years in my life where costs like this would have been absolutely not-doable. $1400 is rent and food for a month for most people. I do think that it’s especially harder for brides on the younger side with younger friends—when everyone is just getting on their feet, it’s pretty impossible to even afford a fraction of someone else’s wedding costs. When Mr. Peng was in grad school, he would sell his platelets a few times a month just so he could afford to eat. Since he chose to do his internship in SF, rent ate up his food allowance from his loan money 
Weddings are just very very expensive, for everyone involved.
I think this is a great post because (among other things,) it’s a good reminder not to be mad when the people around you may miss an event or two, or simply may not be able to attend the wedding. It can get expensive, no matter how easy a bride tries to make things on her guests. Sometimes, people just can’t afford it, and it’s not personal!
I agree with those who say the closer the friend, the easier it is to justify the expense. For instance, spending a lot of money on a bachelorette party where you have fun too, even if you’re spending extra to give the bride a free party, is great. Purchasing plane fare and hotel and rental car to attend a wedding of a childhood friend who you only get to chat with in the receiving line, not so great.
Well, this is the cost of being in a recent wedding: this was the first of my friends to get married
Shower:
Gift:$40
Cost of shower $110
Gas to get there etc. $15
Bachelorette Party in AC:
Gas/ tolls $40
Eating: $20
Male Show: $40
Drinks etc.: $100
Dress: $180
Alterations: $125
Shoes: $20
Hair: $110
Makeup $60
Hotel two nights (crammed with several bridesmaids) $100
Eating/ drinks: $70
Gift $200
Total: $1,230
And that is after we scaled back the costs of the bachelorette her college age sister planned. With local weddings, I’d say the cost is more like $300 to $500, depending on if we’re in the wedding/ go to the bachelorette etc. Thanks for sharing Pengy. You’re a very generous guest!
I have to say that I spent a lot of money last year when I went to 7 weddings. I spent money that I didn’t have. Taking stock of that year, I realized that what Suze Orman says is really true, “It’s not a gift if you can’t afford it.” I’ve done lots of scaling back, I only went to weddings this year where I could pay with miles, or stay with friends. I’ve also started making gifts or buying smaller ones. I say if you have the money and want to shower it on your friends, great. If you can’t afford it, send your love and stay out of debt!
Great post—I’m really surprised that the trip to Vegas didn’t cost more!
Hi, my wedding will be a destination wedding in Turkey. Since I know it’s alot to ask for my friends to travel from the States to Turkey, I decided to plan the bachelorette in DC (where most of my friends and I live). Also, I am not expecting any gifts whatsoever. If they want to buy a gift for the bachelorette, or bridal shower, or wedding I leave it entirely up to them, but I will spread the word through my maid of honor that it’s not expected.
Great post, Pengy. I admit that dealing with these costs was more difficult when I was younger and not a bride-to-be myself. And taking the fact that none of my bridesmaids are married/engaged into mind, I’m trying to find ways to cut costs for them as much as possible, like buying their bridesmaid dresses, etc.
Also, it’s a lot easier with your closest and bestest friends where you whom I wouldn’t blink to spend a thousand or so being part of their “bridal” experience, but like a previous poster said, it gets awkward when you’re just acquaintances but you’re still going through all the shower, bachelorette, and wedding travel/gifting costs.
@LovestheBear: Vegas deals are amazing right now as far as lodging! We stayed at the Wynn for $150 a room a night (split by 4 gals each room, of course!). We also have a friend that is the food and alcohol manager for one of the bigger hotels, so he took us around for free drinks wherever we wanted in his particular hotel. That saved us a LOT of money. But in general, vegas with a big group of girls is pretty easy to get around on a low budget… once you throw some guy friends in the mix, that’s when it gets pricey (you can’t get in anywhere for free with even 1 or 2 dudes in the mix). I only like going to vegas with girls! Going with guys is kind of a drag… especially on the wallet!
We will be having a laid back Florida wedding and I have made the entire event very budget friendly… except the hotel. Since we will be saving money in a lot of other ways (bridesmaids dresses all under $100, an off the beach reception, a laid back bachelorette party) we want to stay in a nice beach hotel and would like our family/bridal party to join. Although we got groans about the price (about 100 more a night than the less expensive hotel across the street) we’re selling the free happy hour, breakfast and parking. It is important for us to have those closest to us close during the weekend and although we’re asking them to chip in more, we think they’ll appreciate it in the end.
Thanks for the post Pengy, its sometimes hard to swallow how much people really pay for your wedding and its important to know how to give back.
To be honest, I’ve always loved weddings so I’ve never really complained about the cost of going to one or buying gifts. I buy presents and pay for the travel arrangements because I love the bride and groom and I’m happy to do so.
I do think unmarried/unengaged friends tend to complain a lot more about wedding costs, because they haven’t had others do it for them yet. I think everything gets put into perspective once you’ve gone through it yourself.
Thanks for writing this! I think sometimes brides have tunnel vision and don’t realize how much their bridal party spends and they sometimes why someone wouldn’t want to spend crazy money on a dress or shoes they would only wear once.
the most i spent was a few hundred dollars but that involved a flight and hotel to the wedding. i don’t usually have to think about cost as most of the weddings i’ve been invited to were local. but i do have a couple more next year that will require travel so we’ll see!
i’m unmarried/not engaged and i haven’t complained about the cost. i just attend the events that i can and go from there. nothing’s compulsory anyway.
We’ve made every effort to keep costs down for those traveling to our wedding. We know it’s expensive to fly to Montana! First, we rented a camp site with cabins near our reception hall for guests and family to stay the night before and the night of the wedding. Second, earnestly asking for no gifts - we don’t need anything! Informal wedding, no special attire required. My MOH chose and bought her own dress in the color scheme I gave her - which hopefully she’ll wear again! No special hair, jewelry or shoes for her to buy, although I may make her something as a gift. We bought a shirt for the best man to wear with khakis he already has. (They’re it for our wedding party l) No showers or shower gifts, no elaborate bachelor/ette party.
The other day my MOH (cousin and lifetime best friend) actually complained a little about how expensive it will be to rent a car and come (from North Dakota). I know it is and I love her to death, but I’d almost like to send her this post just for comparison’s sake. She doesn’t know how easy she’s got it!
THANKS Pengy for posting about this! As a bridesmaid six times myself, and now (finally) about to be the bride, I know that I could have put a down payment on a house for all I’ve spent on my friends’ weddings. I’ve been to Vegas and NYC for Bette parties, bought six dresses at $200 each, bought silver shoes, gold shoes, brown shoes and black shoes. Gotten up-dos and makeup appointments and spilt many a meal/cabs/hotel rooms to cover the cost for the bride. It does hurt me financially, and I do make some monetary scarifices to be a part of my friends’ wedding activities.
But it is worth is, especially now that they are all doing the same for me! I do feel really guilty asking them to buy a dress or find shoes that match, but - as they keep reminding me - they are happy to do it for me, since I did it all for them
And I totally agree about girls in Vegas - have the Bride 2 Be throw on a veil! It worked wonders for us - we were there 3 nights and never paid for a drink the entire time Clubs were more than willing to let us come in for free!
I agree that this is a great post, one that helps to put things into perspective for pending brides as well as guests.
There have been weddings for coworkers that I have attended locally that cost me only the wedding gift of $50-$100 but those are rare.
Travel, lodging, food are just a few of the costs I have incured attending weddings of my nearest and dearest. There is also the brand new outfits that I purchase to ‘look my best’ and the alcohol I consume at the Cash Bar weddings.
And being a bridesmaid is even another layer of costs. Especially since I live in Manitoba, Canada and we have something called a wedding social which is held for the bride and groom before the wedding to raise money for them. This is something I think is a great idea and weird that other places don’t do it but its at least another $100/each for the wedding party as they usually donate a prize for the raffle.
I’ve loved every wedding I’ve attended and happily spent the money but it definitely makes me very aware of the cost to guests when planning my own wedding and why I will make every effort to make the event affordable and fun.
wow that’s a lot! Since we’re on the first of all our friends to get married- we haven’t run into this situation yet. I’m glad you did this post so I can get a better idea of how everything adds up
I think its great that you have written this post, because I think both sides need to realize how much attending/putting together a wedding can cost.
We are having a DW in November and gave all the guests ample time time plan/save the $500 it take the 4 night cruise leaving from florida (1 year notice to be exact).
We have only a small number of friends and family attending (13 total) because they said it was just too much….I was a bit hurt because we planned to have the wedding the way we are leaving from Florida because that is where all of the guest pretty much live (minus our family members) and its all inclusive….
The recent wedding we went to (my fiance was a groomsmen) in April of this year was in Orlando, and we had to be there Friday-Sunday afternoon –we didnt even attend things like the bridal shower, or day after lunch, parties ect prior to and we still ended up spending $1400 for the couple of days!!
I can say now though after seeing the way that our guests approached our wedding, it makes me a bit cautious as to who’s wedding we will be attending in the future now…is that an awful way to look at things?!
I always had this in the back of my mind when planning my wedding. I paid for the accomodations for all the girls in the wedding party to offset the fact that they had to pay for a dress ($135) and pedicure ($35). Some of them had to travel from LA and Seattle, and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t putting additional burdens on them.
Having said that, I think it gets difficult when costs are sprung on you. For example, one of my girlfriends had her bachelorette party in Carmel. I was told to expect to pay $250 for the house rental and $60 if I wanted a massage… but when I got there, I found out that they were now requesting $800 per girl for the house and an additional $200 for food, plus I was going to have to pay for a four star restaurant for one of the evenings. Needless to say, the cost became prohibitive and I had to bail on the weekend at the last minute (and therefore driving up the cost for all the other girls). There was just no way in the world that I could swing that for *just* the bachelorette party. Maybe if I’d known up front, I could have planned for it. I know that all the girls were mad at me, but what else could I do? They ended up planning something that was way beyond my means!
One of my biggest concerns with our wedding is the amount of money people are paying to attend. We had no choice but to have a destination wedding for one side or the other of our families and friends. We ended up choosing the location that would be the least expensive for the most guests. We have told several people that we would prefer they attend than give us a gift. I can’t help but feel guilty about the amount of money people are spending.
Mrs. Penguin, you are lucky to have such great friends, and they are lucky to have you
Great post- I’m glad you wrote about this. Weddings come in all diff sizes and budgets, so why shouldn’t guest expenses run the gamut as well? In the end it’s up to the individual to make that choice for themselves, and to not let society dictate what is an appropriate amt to spend.
Btw I can’t imagine how much more u would have spent if you were actually in the bridal party!
This is such a good topic. I am really off about how much people have to spend. I think the attitude of “we did it for their wedding, so they can do it for mine” attitude really off. One year I spent so much money on hen weekends, presents, dresses, accomodation etc we went without a proper holiday and several things we needed. I don’t begrudge this money spent, but I think people need to think. For my wedding, I am so aware of the costs involved. I know that some of my best friends earn cr@ppy money and don’t want them having to go without just to go to our wedding. I am aware that when I add up everything I spent on certain weddings, then for some of my GFs, it would be the equivalent on half of their take home pay for a month.
Thanks so much for putting this post together. I was in a bridal party once (and last) where we were expected to spend lots and lots. I think this is why I’m not having much of a bridal party. I’ve also decided it’s ok to say no to a few of the events. Yes, I would love to join my girlfriends for every shower, bachlorette party and wedding but adding the gift, transportation, food/drink, cover charges and other items, it gets costly quick. I’ve decided for my own sanity, it’s ok to say no to a bachlorette party or shower and send the gift. It’s more important for me (and hopefully my friends) to attend the wedding.
Great post! I’ve definitely spent in that range a few times, which is why I think I’m planning more of a weekend of wedding festivitites- to make it worth it for those traveling from so far. It’s a lot to spend, but I agree that it’s really the only time my friends from college, or my fi’s friend’s from college get together in one place anymore, so it ends up being worth it. Plus, ideally, you can make a mini-vaca out of it!
I was just invited to a friends wedding in Chicago (I live in nyc) and even though I am close with her, we honestly would not be going if we couldn’t use my parents frequent flyer miles. The hotel isn’t too bad, about $270 for 2 nights including tax and everything, but the flight would have bumped up the cost before meals and misc. items to over $500/person. Yes, we can afford it, but I think it’s wasteful to spend that much especially if a flight is involved.
Wow, that’s quite a bit to spend on one wedding! I spent a lot to go to a destination wedding, but it was totally worth it! If you treat it like a mini-vacation, it feels like you’re spending the money on yourself.
Thanks so much for posting this. I am only 22, and the first of all my friends is getting married next June and I’m a bridesmaid. Although she has started planning different aspects of the wedding, we haven’t had to pay for anything yet (dress, shoes, gifts, etc.)
I know she is trying to keep dress costs reasonable for us, so I assumed I’d spend $500 total when it was all said and done. When I see how much these costs add up, I know it will likely be in the $1200-1400 range. Thanks for the reality check!
Thanks so much for posting about this, Pengy. Between May of 2009 and May of 2010, I will have attended six weddings. In one of those, I’m a bridesmaid, and in another, my fiance is a groomsman. It will have been an extraordinarily expensive year for us! I think this is so important to keep this in mind as we plan our weddings–although it’s something those who love us are willing to do, being a wedding guest can sometimes be a real hardship.
I hope your friend doesn’t read weddingbee! Even though you don’t mean it to be hurtful, and I understand your purpose with the post, and it’s a very hot topic in the wedding world, I would feel weird if a friend of mine posted something like this specifically about me and my wedding.
Great post Pengy! This is definitely a hard topic because it affects everyone. Not sure how much I’ve ever spent on a wedding, but I know its under $500. I’ve never really had to travel far for a wedding.
@KathyQ: I personally wouldn’t mind if she read this. Reality is reality! Another reality is that she paid roughly the same amount out of her own pocket to participate in my own wedding.
This is the year of weddings for my fiance and I. In January, he was the best man at a local wedding, but we still got a hotel room (shared with another local couple). In April, my boss invited me to his daughter’s wedding (complete with a “you’re coming right?) in Vegas. May, I was a BM for a friend in the midwest. July, he went solo for his cousin in Indy. Our wedding is in October. For this year, I have had to cash out vacation time, work extra to boost it back up, spend money on a few dresses, hotels, flights, rental cars, bachelor and bachelorette parties. But when it comes down to it, I am not forcing anyone into additional costs. I talked the price for my own bachelorette from $300 a person down to $100 (it was $60 but they added another night at the last minute) and its what I want, which I know is touchy for some people.
I think a lot of it is a timing thing. A few years ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about spending that much on some of my close friends. Now, with the economy like it is, I’m counting my pennies like never before. It’s not necessarily fair to my currently engaged friends (and me) that we happen to be getting married during a downtime, but that’s life, and we should all be understanding if our friends and family can’t quite swing that gift or bachelorette party that they could do a few years ago.
Great post! I was just in a wedding in July, and it is amazing how everything adds up! I just finished my undergraduate degree, but I am in an internship and won’t actually be able to start working until next summer. Although I worked a full time job over the summer, I felt like all of my pay went towards the wedding. We had a really great time, I kind of wish I had been able to save more. When another friend asked me to be in her wedding next August, I made sure I was totally honest with her. I told her that I would love to be a part of her day, but this was going to be a tough year for me financially. She ended up being totally cool with it, and she thanked me for being up front with her.
great post! we’re the some of the last in our group of friends to get married, so I’m happy that we shelled out the money for gas, hotel rooms, and presents because I know that they will be returning the favor. I think the closer you are with the bride or groom, to more willing I am to pay.
This is a GREAT post. This was a huge consideration for me, especially with my bridal party. I had spent around this much on 2 of their weddings– but I wanted to at least keep things as under control as possible, which is hard because we’re spread out on all coasts and in the middle of the country. I chose dresses on sale from nordstrom’s for $99– not free, but reasonable. I asked everyone not to throw me any showers– and they complied. I organized the bacherlorette in my own town, where I could put everyone up and tried to keep costs down and attendance was completely optional. I organized with friends to put out of towner maids up for 2 nights before the wedding (they paid for hotel night-of). and hair and make-up were totally optional (and we ended up paying for hair and having the girls go to clinque counter for free make-up in the end). Anyway– great post.
I was VERY sensitive to how much my wedding would cost guests. I had two showers/b-parties so those in my bridal party/friends and family could pick which one depending on the region where they lived. It was not expected for them to attend both. I was lucky enough that two chose to attend both.
I had two hotels to choose from, one uber nice and one mid-range/budget hotel.
I let the bridesmaids pick out whatever shoes they wanted, I didn’t care if they were from payless or their closet, I just said “black sandals/pumps”.
For my guests, the only thing I couldn’t fix was the cost of parking downtown, for my family that drove in. I thought about it, but figured others flew and got hotel rooms, so I rationalized that.
Now, I’m not going to complain because I just attended a FABULOUS destination wedding. However, I spent well over 2500.00 just as a guest for a 4 day weekend. I would not have missed this wedding, but I don’t think the location chosen was planned with guests in mind.
I have been lucky and unlucky when it comes to costs: On the one hand, I have never been to a wedding as a guest, always a member of the bridal party. On the other, all my weddings have been local which means accomodations/transportation costs have been lower. I try not to keep score when it comes to my behaviour or others though. I just try to spend within my means and hope that others do the same.
I’m glad you decided to go ahead with this post! This is one of the reasons I didn’t want a lot of fuss outside the wedding. We’re already having an in-country destination {partially because our family and friends are so spread out}. Add a shower and bachelor/bachelorette party and it starts to get crazy on the wallet… that’s why we only invited people we really wanted to celebrate with, and as a guest I make my rsvp decision {for any of the erelated events} based on that as well!
It does happen, our friends are getting married in France next year and we’re saving, saving, saving to attend. But I think the week in the chateau should make us feel better about it all.
Great Post. I know so many other people commented, but I felt the need to add in. I have spent 1250 and more on weddings in recent months between travel, lodging, gifts, attire, ect.
I embarrassed to admit this but we have 5 weddings between now and October and we’re skipping two because its simply to expensive and we’re saving for our own wedding.
Also- I feel so much pressure to give a large financial gift for me and FI - as much as unengaged couples- but what I really want to say is “I’M TRYING TO PAY FOR MY OWN WEDDING!!”
I think Ms Snapdragon is right - we ( myself included when its my time) need to not get so angry or hurt when people can’t make it to the wedding or give a small present because there could be a number of reasons for it.
People really get caught up in money and costs of things. Of course, its important to budget and keep track of money, but there’s more to life than just that
We have to remember how important our friends are and that sometimes the money is worth it!
Good post - I’ve definitely been there and am in the middle of it right now. I got married this summer and all my BMs but 1 were from out of state and they all spent over $1000 on my wedding I know. When I’m in the wedding, it’s always cost me more than $1000, even for the one that was in town this summer because of the bachelorette party, 2 showers, expensive dress, wedding present, etc. My sister gets married next summer and with the dress, bachelorette weekend at the beach, shower I’ll throw for her and travel to all these events I’m estimating I’ll end up spending about $2500. I’m seriously hoping that another close friend doesnt get engaged any time soon so that her wedding will at least be in the fall next year or in 2011 as I’ll be her MOH and I know it will cost me $2k to do that one too. Its tough as we are most likely moving and trying to buy a house next year.
I was a bridesmaid 3 times before I was engaged, and each time spent between $500 and $1200 for festivities, dress, hair, etc. At the time, I thought it was average, and while it hurt my newly-graduated wallet, they were my friends. As I’m now the one getting married, I think I look at things a little differently. The bachelorette party that was low-key and dollar drinks was just as much fun as the one in AC. Did my girls need to spend an extra $500 just so we could go to AC when we could have just as much fun at my discounted hotel room in Philly? Nah!
I appreciate your honesty in your post and it seems as though most of us agree with you - that we love our friends, and will do almost anything for them. You just need to know how much to budget so no one is caught off guard like DoctorGirl was!
Agreed that this is a great post. I was just in a wedding a couple weeks ago, and didn’t bat an eyelash at the money I had to spend, including gas to drive 400 miles round trip to 2 different shower, a bachelorette party, and the actual wedding, the dress, the hair, the shoes, the bachelorette party I planned (and the $360 limo), the shower gifts. It was all worth it to be up there when she said I do to the man of her dreams (who is also a good friend of mine), and to be the one to sign their marriage license. And she is going to do it in a month for me. I think if its someone who is important to you, sharing in their big day is worth the cost…now if its some random person I knew back in the day and am not so close to anymore, I might think twice before spending a bunch of dough…But its interesting to think about what others are spending to be a part of our day as well…
This was a great post. I am one of the last of my friends to get married and I remember being a little shocked at what I ended up spending on friends weddings when I actually added it all up, but it never bothered me because they were my friends and it never occurred to me to not do it. I’ve been to Australia for a wedding and to Mexico twice for weddings, not to mention the number of trips back and forth in the US for weddings.
I hope that my friends will want to do the same for me, but I also understand that not all of the have the resources available to be a part of everything. I’ve asked my girls to take that into account, but I am also trying to find ways to help out those girls that need it so they can join in as well.
Yes. Almost all my friends at my ‘events’ were still in college or just starting out. Needles to say, even though i paid for all their dresses, hair, makeup, etc, my mom and MOH ended up paying for the shower and bachelorette party and only asking the girls to chip in like $20 apiece, so they took the whole burden of it. They were happy to do so and I don’t like being the reason everybody’s financially burden.
Great post. Debt is a scary and serious thing.
When I told my best friend from high school that we were engaged… she sighed and said “do I have to throw you a bridal shower?” My heart dropped. I didn’t even want a bridal shower at all - but her attitude about “having” to do something like that made me pause.
I told her she didn’t have to do anything of the sort - that we weren’t going to have a wedding party since I don’t want to make people buy clothes they’ll never wear again - that I’m all about doing this sensibly. I’ve been out of work pretty much the whole year - it’s hard to plan a wedding when you’re freaked out about your own bills. Every expense seems like an extravagance.
I thought - ok, we’ll do a backyard wedding - how cute, how us. Everyone we knew with a backyard… either said “no” or their backyard isn’t big enough to accommodate 80 people.
My sister would bring up passive aggressive comments about feeling obligated to help set up tables and clean up afterward if we have to rent tables and chairs and she guesses that she’ll have to pay for a babysitter so that she can do that. Her husband offered to make us wedding cupcakes - I said we’d reimburse him for the ingredients - my sister said that clothing her 3 children for our wedding will be infinitely more expensive than cupcake ingredients.
I’m trying not to take these things personally.
Everyone is freaked out about money.
Or maybe everyone in my life is just a cr@ppy friend.
The whole thing has really left my fiance and I wanting to elope. Save the money. Not put anyone out. It’s hard to read posts about how other people’s family and girlfriends came together and made it special and willingly drop thousands of dollars.
My family and friends are broke, stressed out, and overwhelmed.
If we had gotten married 10 years ago - I feel like this would have looked so different.
But in this economy - everyone’s stressed.
And just because you want to spend money on special things - doesn’t mean you should or even can.
I never understood how people could drop so much cash on a wedding until I started planning my own.
Now I get it.
All of you who are having your dream wedding - please never forget how lucky you are.
One of the worst for me was when a friend from high school got married. Another friend was a bridesmaid and asked me to split a room with her so we carpooled down and I hung around while they were doing rehearsals and things, I honestly had a great time.
But after the wedding when we checked out we were informed that the room was $400 a night! It was unbelievable. The bride had required all bridesmaids to stay in a certain hotel and we had specifically requested the cheapest room. Absolutely horrifying.
I think that if you want things to happen a certain way as the bride (i.e. $400/night hotel rooms, dang!), you should be prepared to pay for it yourself. I bought my bridesmaids their dresses, and I told them they could wear whatever shoes/jewelry/hair style they wanted. Does it really matter if they wear gold or silver shoes? I personally don’t think so. They are spending the time and expense to get to the wedding, and that’s all I feel I can reasonably ask of them.
i find this topic ridiculous, adding up the costs. I don’t mean to be offensive, but this post rubs me the wrong way.
@amariem25. it could be worse. I didnt have a shower, my maid of honor ditched me and I will have no parties or pre-celabratories of the sort. So, consider yourself lucky.
I really love WB for 99% of the posts, practical and unique but sometimes the traditions are perpetuated and the Must this’s and Must that’s of weddings are adnaseum.
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Mrs. Penguin, Northern California
Age and Occupation: 27, Weddingbee Editor in Chief
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Doctor of Physical Therapy
Engagement Date: January 29, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 14, 2007
Venue: Winery in the Gold Country
About Me: I love the Spice Girls, dogs with underbites, bean burritos, making messes, high fives, avoiding showers, crossword puzzles, blogs, weddings, and blogs about weddings!
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