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During the process of writing our own ceremony, I’ve come up against a few logistical issues that have me stumped. One of these is how to acknowledge our many gay friends and our appreciation for their support of an institution that they are not yet allowed to partake in.
You see, like many others, we have a lot of very special people in our lives that are homosexual. And marriage equality has become an issue that has meant a lot to me in recent years — Mr. Star and I have participated in many rallies and marches in support of our friends. In fact, when we go to the marriage bureau to apply for our marriage license, it will be bittersweet for us. Sweet, because we will be thrilled to be getting one step closer to being married. Bitter, because the last time we were there was during a protest that many had hoped would change things for the better in New York State.
Most of our family and friends feels as we do, but we do have a few family members who do not. I’m straddling the line between being true to our beliefs and our values on our wedding day and not offending those who don’t agree. I want to make our wedding ceremony about us and what we believe, but I’m trying not to be an inconsiderate bride, as well. The line is narrow, indeed.
I’d also love to hear from anyone with the perspective of having been at a wedding when you yourself were not allowed to get married — would you find a mention of it thoughtful or offensive? I’m just trying to get some feedback about what people think the best way to honor our friends and our beliefs is.
The way I see it, we have one of a few options.
If marriage equality is an important issue to you, how have you come up with ways to honor it in your own wedding?
Mrs. Cherry Pie said it beautifully in her ceremony - check out her ceremony text post!
Meg, over at Practical Wedding, included it in her program. Check out what she did here: http://www.apracticalwedding.com/2009/08/fck-subtle.html
Awesome of you guys to think of this. I think it’s absolutely ok to include it in your ceremony. People attend religious ceremonies that include professions of beliefs that they don’t necessarily agree with all the time. I think the few folks who have an issue with marriage equality can handle a mention in a ceremony that is about the two of you, your love, and your beliefs.
I believe in marriage equality more than anything else. It breaks my heart that more people don’t have open minds to this situation. It’s a absolute tragedy in my mind. I think you should definitely mention it, and maybe you could say something in the program like ” we encourage any donations you would be willing to give to the Human Rights Campaign” that way you can also plug an amazing organization like the HRC
http://www.hrc.org// (for anyone who doesn’t know about this organization CHECK IT OUT!!)
oh and check out their corporate sponsorships! it’s amazing who all donates to them http://www.hrc.org/about_us/sponsors.asp
I haven’t quite gotten to these thoughts completely yet - however, this topic IS addressed over at 2000 Dollar Budget Wedding:
http://2000dollarwedding.com/2009/07/q-how-to-speak-out-against-injustice-at.html
There have been a few bees who have put in a quote from a legal result which I thought was beautiful. Time to troll through the search function to see if I can find it.
As quiche said, we included mention in our ceremony. We were inspired by a friend who did the same. We said:
And as we remember those who are not with us,
We also recognize those
Who are still denied the civil right of wedded union
And forbidden the social and legal benefits of marriage
We have come a long way toward treating all men and women as equals,
And yet, we acknowledge that we have farther still to go
And more we can do to respect the choice to love, and be loved
Several people complimented us on our thoughtfulness, and as far as I know, none of our more conservative guests were offended. (We wrote the ceremony with them in mind, too.)
Here’s the whole text: http://www.weddingbee.com/2008/09/24/write-your-own-wedding-ceremony/
You should definitely include this, please let us know how you end up doing it. Mrs. Cherry Pie’s was great and I’d love more ideas. A friend of mine is engaged in a bride-bride wedding and she has been letting me know how companies around town are treating her. When she gives a negative review, I make sure to cross them off my list. It is my personal protest to their rights!
This is an important issue to us too, but I kind of think bringing political issues into your ceremony is awkward, so I would just avoid it.
It still boggles my mind that some people are still anti-gay marriage. I think it’s totally ok to mention it or reference this issue in some way during your wedding event. Because this is your wedding, the day is going to represent your values. If a few are offended… that’s kind of their problem - some people are really just too sensitive. Social change never goes smoothly!
Meant to add - I am sure there is a way to incorporate your feelings without it overtaking the event. I *think* Peeptoe made mention in their programs, in addition to the others mentioned previously…
I think option #2 is good. You will still have an open mention of your beliefs without going over the top to make your point. (it is a wedding, after all, and not a public support meeting/protest) I think people are there to witness your marriage and would be generally understanding of your desire to express your belief. I guess it just all boils down to how you feel about how people might react.
Marriage equality is a really touchy topic. I’m reading Weddingbee at work (shhh!) and I’m snuffling (the trying-not-to-cry-crying) at my desk.
I’m currently living in Canada. I married my sweetheart last month. I’ve started checking the married box on forms and whenever I have to fill in an emergency contact and their relationship I get to write “Married to her!” However, I was raised in Australia and only moved to Canada six months ago to be with my Canadian partner. It hurts so much that if I return to Australia, I won’t be able to check that married box. That I won’t enjoy any of the legal protection or responsibilities. That I won’t receive the social standing marriage confers. That our social inclusion minister attends anti same sex marriage events where GLBTI people are called “fags” (don’t care what you think about same sex marriage, that is NEVER acceptable).
I’m just trying to convey the extent to which I feel hurt at marriage exclusion. Yout LGBT friends are probably really happy and might be trying not to rain on your parade by bringing up their political beliefs or feelings. Or, hey, maybe they really don’t care and think marriage is a sham patriarchal, heternormative institution. Our community is not monolithic 
What I’m saying by extension is go all the way or none of the way. I would feel so hurt if someone said they really cared about marriage equality and then only made a veiled reference to it or referred to it during the reception (which we can have, regardless of marriage laws). Yet I would understand if people left it out due to a desire to not spend their entire wedding day fighting with family.
And that’s my extremely long two cents. 
Kudos to you! What a great idea! I would go with option number 2.
Found it, Mrs. Hot Cocoa and Mrs. Peep Toe both had this in their programs. It’s in reference to a California result, but I think it’s lovely.
The opportunity to establish an officially recognized family with a loved one and to obtain the substantial benefits such a relationship may offer is of the deepest and utmost importance to any individual and couple who wish to make such a choice.
In re Marriage Cases, 183 P.3d 384 (Cal. 2008)
It’s important to me but I know that it’s a really hot topic amongst many of the people that will be there. I don’t want to bring attention to the conflict but I do want to make it clear that we are supporters of Gay rights. I tihnk that we will talk to my uncle and make sure that he does not specify genders in marriage (i.e., “marriage is between a man and a woman” we would ask him to say “marriage is between two people” or something). Or now that I am thinking about it, I might add something to my program like Hot Cocoa did. We’ll see.
@Laura: Thank you so much for sharing Hugs! And congrats, lady!
to honor our gay friends, we plan on writing a small note in our ceremony programs. also we plan to wear white knots as a symbol of marriage equality. http://whiteknot.org/index.html
We also believe strongly in marriage equality. However, in MA, it is legal. So we really have no need to mention it.
Like LovestheBear, The only thing I was very careful about is the fact that I read and re-read our pre-written vows carefully. I wanted to make sure there was absolutely nothing in there along the lines of “marriage is…between a man and a woman…”
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Mrs. Star, New York City Age and Occupation: 22, Actress Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Casting Assistant Wedding Date: October 2009 Venue: Ceremony: The Kraine Theatre, Reception: Midtown Loft & Terrace About Me: I’m a professional actress who’s always had New York City in her blood and I'm finally getting the chance to make a home in Manhattan with my fiancé, my dog, and my big dreams! I love polka dots, craft projects, Dunkin’ Donuts’ iced coffee, and anything sparkly. I’m having a blast planning our elegant/dramatic/New York City/acting-themed/largely-DIY wedding and am thrilled to be the youngest current Miss Blogger!
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