Weddingbee Blog

There are some break-ups and divorces you hear about and think: ‘I saw that coming a mile away.’ Those are not what I sat down today to blog about. I’ve had this blank text box staring at me for hours now because I was unsure of how to approach this post (though I really feel that I need to say something). So here goes.

We all have them in our lives: “Perfect” couples. Couples everyone knows were meant to be together. Couples we envy because damn, they’re just sooooo right for each other. Couples who announce their engagement and receive reactions of “Well duh! Of course!” We’ve also known friends, coworkers and loved ones who’ve paired up and married partners who (in our opinions) aren’t very compatible with them. As non-judge-y as you may try to be, you can’t pretend that you never felt a lump of concern in your throat as a dear friend gushed over his engagement to That Awful, Manipulative Woman, or as your coworker emailed out elopement announcements for her quickie Reno wedding with That Guy She Met Online Last Month. I do have a point with all this, I really do. And I think it is this: we all mentally weigh the possibility of relationship success when it comes to our loved ones.

And that’s why it hits us (or me, at least) so hard when I find out that one of those “perfect” couples is calling it quits.

Mr. Mary Jane and I have discussed this type of thing several times. We’re a pretty great couple. We have some work to do, but we both admit our own flaws and encourage each other to openly communicate any issues that may come up. We have an agreement not to hold grudges, and we try not to take most things too seriously. We’ve done a lot of work as a team to prepare ourselves for a lifetime of partnership, and we both understand that it’s not going to all be rainbows and chocolate bars.

But how can we confidently take a forever-vow to each other in a world where “perfect” couples are failing? (Obviously, the partial answer is that those perfect couples weren’t actually very perfect at all. Appearances aren’t ever the whole truth. But still…) How will we guarantee that we’ll always be able to communicate so openly? That we won’t drift apart? That we won’t fall out of love, or that something unforeseen won’t drive a wedge between us?

We’ve each been in failed relationships before: relationships we thought would last forever. They didn’t, and we feel like we know why. We feel like pros on the subject, in fact. There are simple steps we (or our partners) each missed in those relationships:

Communication. Respect. Honesty. Maturity. Acceptance. Tolerance. Humility. Compromise.

Does our ability to blurt out those eight successful-relationship buzzwords just now make us experts on making our relationship work? Hell no. But maybe our awareness of these common marriage-killers does give us some kind of edge. Still, Mr. Mary Jane and I can’t enter in to our marriage with 100% certainty that “that won’t happen to us”. And that is a scary thing.

Entering a marriage is the ultimate level of trust. We’re trusting ourselves to make this lifetime commitment, and we’re trusting our partner to do the same. We’re trusting that his or her little quirks won’t turn in to huge pains in the ass in the future. We’re trusting that our lives will always mesh well together (and if they don’t, we trust that we’ll work on it). We’re trusting that we’ll each change in some ways, but not in others.

For Mr. Mary Jane and me, the best we can do is love each other now, and trust that we’ll each continue to work for a future relationship as solid (or more so) as the one we have today. I look at him and I see a wonderful guy who’s striving to be even more wonderful. But I don’t love him for the man he’ll someday be; I love him for who he already is. I recognize his flaws and I’m familiar with the past experiences that cause him to think, feel or act the way he does. He can say the same of me.

And in a few short weeks, we’ll be married. I trust him, and he trusts me, and I know that we will both try our damnedest to make this marriage thing work. So while we have no guarantee that we will always feel the way that we do now (on our wedding’s doorstep), we can be proactive about keeping our relationship healthy and strong. We accept each other for who we are; we don’t wish or want the other to change. If they do change, it is of their own accord, and we trust that they will make their changes with the other in mind. To us, that defines working together in a marriage over the course of a lifetime.

What steps are you and your partner taking to solidify your relationship for the long run? Pass on your advice for other couples in the comments!