Letting Go

September 8th, 2009 @ 4:06 pm by Mrs. Beagle

Confession: I have a really hard time asking for help. I think I can do everything on my own (and by “everything”, I mean everything) and even when help is offered, I usually (politely) turn it down. I would like to think that this is because I don’t want to burden anyone with mindless wedding tasks that I’m scrambling to get done (thank you, procrastination). However, I think the underlying issue is this: somehow I think that my projects will only get done “right” if I do them myself. All by myself. Alone. (Now that I’ve put that out there, I’ll admit, I feel a tad bit embarrassed.)

Maybe I think they’ll be less DIY if I don’t actually do them alone; maybe it’s genetics (hehe… I’ve noticed Papa Beagle has the same tendencies ), either way, if I don’t learn to “let go” ASAP, I’m going to enjoy many sleepless nights over the next 6 weeks. I’m working to get over the fact that not everything may come out perfectly (or at least, perfectly in my mind) because these people that are offering to help, my friends and my family, actually want to be a part of this big party we’re throwing next month. And when I think about it that way, it kind of softens my heart a little; it makes it just a tiny bit easier to hand over a project to someone else.

So this past weekend, when FMIL Beagle offered to help me assemble our invitations, I let go of my need to do it alone, and accepted her offer. As it turns out, we actually had a good time- we got a lot done, we chatted, and it wasn’t as painful as I anticipated.

Am I alone on this boat? Is anyone else having a hard time asking for or accepting help from their friends and family? Any tips for a newbie?

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35 Responses to “Letting Go”

Member

abrideagain (message) 531 posts, Busy bee

You’re SO not alone in this! My Maids, my family and even my FI lament this fact about me over and over and over again…

I struggle with it too, and have to bite my tongue a bit to keep from correcting the helpers…but it IS better to get some help rather than none at all!

9/8/09 @ 4:08 pm (reply)

Member

tea (message) 2,637 posts, Sugar bee

nope, you’re definitely not alone! i actually have issue handing things over because i’m a bit of a control freak and a perfectionist so i’m very critical and exacting of my expectations. my friends love asking me for help since they know my perfectionist tendacies come in handy but are always a little hesitant about helping me. lol. i’m still very much a work in progress.

9/8/09 @ 4:11 pm (reply)

Member

alishaneva (message) 1,526 posts, Bumble bee

Definitely not alone! However, it’s defintiely great that your friends and family want to help - and sometimes, these things may be just that much more perfect because it was a team effort!

9/8/09 @ 4:15 pm (reply)

Member

HugsKissesLadyBugsBride (message) 311 posts, Helper bee

Nope! I am the same way and I dont think you are alone at in this problem. I think most people think, if I want it done right, I have to do it myself. Take a step back and enjoy the fact that someone cares enough about you to offer their help, to ease some of your worries and stress. You are lucky in the fact that while you may you chose to do most things on your own, you are not Forced to do so. Not everyone is so lucky!

9/8/09 @ 4:15 pm (reply)

Hostess

Jessie516 (message) 4,028 posts, Honey bee

I know it was really hard for me to let a few things go and delegate stuff. Eventually, I got to the point where I knew I couldn’t do it all on my own. I delegated a couple of things to my sis and mom and honestly, it helped me feel a lot less stressed!

9/8/09 @ 4:19 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Stiletto (message) 761 posts, Busy bee

I’m right there with you! I realize that my bridesmaids have done next to nothing - not because they wouldn’t - but because I just naturally do it all myself. It’s not only a total control thing, but also getting things done on my schedule as needed!

9/8/09 @ 4:19 pm (reply)

Member

melodyjune (message) 239 posts, Helper bee

I definitely have the same tendencies. I’m trying to work on that, though. I don’t want anyone to think I don’t value their input or hard work.

9/8/09 @ 4:19 pm (reply)

Member

TravelBug (message) 64 posts, Worker bee

Oh Beagle I’m exactly like you! In everything. Work, wedding planning… just about anything. I’ve already had trouble sleeping and I’m still almost 8 months out! Although wedding is definitely NOT the biggest stressor in my life, there’s a lot I’ve taken on my shoulders and I don’t like to let anyone else do a thing. Let me know if you figure out anything that helps!

9/8/09 @ 4:22 pm (reply)

Member

mander411 (message) 79 posts, Worker bee

I am very much the same way! Have gotten better though, thanks to a 12 step program lol jk. But I won’t even ask for directions bc I hate asking for help so much - and will leave the grocery store w/o intended items bc I cannot reach it way in the back on the top shelf - I could just ask the tall man who I’m sure would gladly help.

Honestly though, I love being able to help people, even when it is just small - so I should get over it too.

9/8/09 @ 4:23 pm (reply)

10.

Bee

Miss Bear Cub (message) 1,354 posts, Bumble bee

I think it’s SO hard to ask for/accept help with wedding tasks. Like you, I tend to want something done a very specific way, so rather than explain exactly how I want it done, I do it myself :-/

9/8/09 @ 4:24 pm (reply)

11.

Member

MaPo (message) 312 posts, Helper bee

I hear ya! My day job is as an administrative assistant, so it’s in my core to do everything by myself, especially if I want it done right. It was hard to let go!!! It was also really hard not to get the level of service I expect from vendors at work. Oh that drove me nuts!

9/8/09 @ 4:25 pm (reply)

12.

Bee

Mrs. Joey (message) 829 posts, Busy bee

I did and I really regret not asking before the wedding week. Asking for help the week of the wedding made getting help more work.

9/8/09 @ 4:28 pm (reply)

13.

Member

Laylabelle (message) 1,924 posts, Buzzing bee

Right there with ya!

9/8/09 @ 4:33 pm (reply)

14.

Member

Amber1279 (message) 316 posts, Helper bee

I am the WORST … and with only 4 days to go I really wish I had taken those offers.

9/8/09 @ 4:34 pm (reply)

15.

Bee

Mrs. French Bulldog (message) 6,067 posts, Bee Keeper

I have the hardest time letting other ppl help me w/ stuff. On the wedding day it was so hard to trust everyone to get everything done w/o me there to tell them how it was supposed to go. Learn to let go now, you will have much more fun at your wedding

9/8/09 @ 4:40 pm (reply)

16.

Member

FlipFlopBride (message) 1,305 posts, Bumble bee

I’m such a perfectionist and control freak, I’m sure I’ll have the same issue!

9/8/09 @ 4:42 pm (reply)

17.

Member

azwinelover (message) 114 posts, Blushing bee

That post sounded like something I could’ve written. If I hadn’t been so convinced that no one else would be able to cut, paste, tape, and assemble my DIY invitations with as much TLC as I could, they would have gone out at least a week sooner than they did.

9/8/09 @ 4:50 pm (reply)

18.

Hostess

LatteLove (message) 4,094 posts, Honey bee

I had a hard time letting others help as well. i finally gave in and allowed people in. And you know what?–things weren’t perfect, but I have great memories of time spent with family and friends, and they finally felt helpful!

9/8/09 @ 5:01 pm (reply)

19.

Bee

Miss Moonbeam (message) 1,328 posts, Bumble bee

I have certain people that I’d accept help from. It’s a scary thought, because you have so many expectations for the things for your big day and if someone’s work doesn’t live up to it, you either have to use it or hurt someone’s feelings. Probably better to accept the help though.

9/8/09 @ 5:43 pm (reply)

20.

Bee

Miss Cloud (message) 587 posts, Busy bee

I am the same way. I think we all need to start a club. Must. Let. Go!

9/8/09 @ 6:59 pm (reply)

21.

Member

llc2011 (message) 462 posts, Helper bee

I have a hard time too! I think once I actually get closer to doing assembly line type projects (save the dates/invitations) I’ll totally take up my bridesmaids offer for help.

9/8/09 @ 7:40 pm (reply)

22.

Member

kmattso2 (message) 990 posts, Busy bee

I have yet to ask for help!!! I feel exactly like you, and I think it’s just because I’m so picky that I don’t want to have to worry about anyone else messing it up, or not doing it 100% the way I want it! Haha…probably a good thing I’m starting so early if I plan on doing it this way the whole time. We’ll see if I start asking for help when it gets closer or not.

9/8/09 @ 8:36 pm (reply)

23.

Member

mowi322 (message) 128 posts, Blushing bee

I am *exactly* like you! I have refused or put off just about every offer to help - even from the FI. I just can’t get over thinking that I’m the only one who can do things & I don’t want to have to explain/harp on every last detail. But with less than 4 weeks to go, I’ve been delegating like crazy (although I’ll still have my fingers in most projects).
The funny thing is, I’m an early childhood teacher. So I spend all day encouraging kiddies to think for themselves & do things without me. I don’t know why I can let things go in the classroom, but not in my own life!

9/8/09 @ 8:51 pm (reply)

24.

Member

Charm bracelet (message) 832 posts, Busy bee

Ha! Whenever I read about a Bee inviting friends to help or have they an assembly line, I wonder how they do it? What if someone doesn’t cut straight? Or the ribbon is tied but the bows are not symmetrical? If that happened I know that I would just think, “Oh, I’ll fix later once they’re gone.” I think it’s called type A or OCD or something like it. I might be able to accept help for the wedding, but I am just going to have find friends that are also type A or OCD to help! LOL

9/8/09 @ 9:35 pm (reply)

25.

Bee

Miss Poodle (message) 3,020 posts, Sugar bee

I need to start “letting go” I feel you!!

9/8/09 @ 11:14 pm (reply)

26.

Member

lauralou852 (message) 286 posts, Helper bee

Ahh! I’m the same way! But this weekend I finally ‘let go’ and had so much fun crafting with my mom and one of my BMs - I need to do it more often!

9/8/09 @ 11:44 pm (reply)

27.

Bee

Mrs. Espresso (message) 1,064 posts, Bumble bee

I was the same way with our wedding projects. Everything had to be done a certain way and I was the only one who could do it right. But getting sick the week leading up to our wedding made me have to rely on other people… and turns out… they did just as good or better than I could. So let it all go. ooooswa

9/9/09 @ 12:25 am (reply)

28.

Member

MissGuinness (message) 64 posts, Worker bee

Totally right there with ya!!! My FMIL has offered to help coutless times, and everytime I ture her down.

9/9/09 @ 12:38 am (reply)

29.

Member

Charlenie (message) 24 posts, Newbee

It’s as if i wrote this post on my own.. i am totally a control freak and it is soooo hard for me to ask for help.

I too had a craft weekend with my FMIL and it went much better than i originally planned. We got everything done and had a blast doing it!

9/9/09 @ 1:17 am (reply)

30.

Member

sefditz (message) 52 posts, Worker bee

My FH and I were just discussing this last night. I am the same way…I want to do it all myself and he is trying desperately to convince me to allow others to help. So I am totally in your boat Miss Beagle!

9/9/09 @ 2:16 am (reply)

31.

Member

pmerr (message) 1,256 posts, Bumble bee

You’re so not alone! I haven’t gotten that far into planning yet, but I know this will happen. I’ve done all the planning/designing on my own & I know when it comes time to do everything, I’ll want to do it on my own! I feel the exact same as you! Especially that first paragraph! I almost thought I wrote it

9/9/09 @ 8:34 am (reply)

32.

Bee

Miss Star (message) 1,280 posts, Bumble bee

I have the same problem, Beagle. A few weeks ago, I was on the verge of breaking down and had to ask for help. It’s been very liberating.

9/9/09 @ 9:38 am (reply)

33.

Member

infamia (message) 150 posts, Blushing bee

I am right there with you! The wedding brings the control freak out in me and I am really having trouble letting go… but then one of my BMs came over to help me with the paper flowers and we had such a good time, it really helped me break the habit!

9/9/09 @ 10:38 am (reply)

34.

Member

voomie24 (message) 81 posts, Worker bee

I totally sympathize! It has been very hard to delegate. For me I like to avoid the hassle of coordinating schedules with others and explaining what I want. It just seems to add more work.

But finally I have begun delegating whole tasks (slide shows, cork cutting) to others who I think will enjoy it and probably do better than I would at it. My future brother in law has really enjoyed cutting my wine cork and has set up a factory in his garage to use his power tools. It has been great.

I can’t wait to hear more about your invitations!

9/9/09 @ 12:36 pm (reply)

35.