Wedding Blog
I’ve been coming to realize that when people say, “Do whatever makes you happy!” or “I don’t have any opinions on that” or “It’s up to you!” they are lying. YUP, that’s right - they are not telling the truth.
EVERYONE has an opinion on everyone else’s wedding - what dresses would look better, what colors/flowers/hairstyle/food/timing would be better. What THEY would do in YOUR situation. Not that you asked, thankyouverymuch. As a bride, you learn to be less and less critical of other brides’ decisions as you start to plan your own wedding (I hope!) and deal with the constant criticism. And it sure can be constant - and from people you least expect it from!
Yes, even single adult men have opinions on your wedding; trust me, I’ve heard enough guys complain about weddings that I’ve attended. (I actually found a blog of a woman who stirred up some controversy over wedding criticism… which also left me wondering if I was just offending everyone with my plans for a sweetheart table…)
I think a lot of Asian brides (and perhaps other ethnicities as well, but I can only speak from personal experience!) battle our parents’ ultra-traditional ideas of what makes a wedding a wedding. We are shown over and over the crafty, quirky, different, nontraditional style of weddings that reflect a couple’s personality and interests while reading Weddingbee and Style Me Pretty and Brooklyn Bride and all those other lovely wedding blogs. And we fall in love with this newfangled (love that word!) creative ideology of weddings… and have parents that still think that all bridesmaids must match completely and wear hot pink, and the flower girl must wear white and throw petals, and favors should be sachets of potpourri in a heart-shaped vial, and the bridal party should be equal on both sides, and other such lovely traditional things. And none of these things are bad, if they are what YOU want! But we simply just don’t want all of these things. And we’ve definitely caught a bit flack (which is usually disguised as something like, “You’re doing ___? Oh.” *eyebrow lifts*) from my mom, my future mother-in-law, my godmother, and even my sweet grandma!
I think one of the toughest things in this whole planning business is to handle all the expectations and criticism, while still maintaining your own style, ideas, budget, and sanity. I know I’ve had a tough time “trimming the fat” - saying no to OOT bags (too expensive), cute but useless favors (too useless), candy buffets (too much sugar), confetti (too messy), peonies (not in season), and Louboutins (too much school debt… but have you SEEN the red feathered d’orsays? Sighhhhhhh).
So, you have to grow a few layers of skin, map out your priorities, stick to your guns, hold fast to your budget, and maintain your vision. I think that’s what has helped me stay (relatively) sane… we knew (still do) what we wanted our wedding to be like and learned how to graciously turn down people’s ideas if they clashed with what we envisioned. And it happens a lot, still. And I still get frustrated and stressed out from failing to meet unspoken expectations… but really, you just can’t please everyone! So I’m okay with letting our wedding reflect Mr. Ramen and me - full of contradictions, fun, and the unpredictable. Even if it falls short of convention and tradition.
What types of unexpected expectations have you run into?
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well put. going through same things here. im having a hell of a time having a dance floor at our “Traditional” wedding
The future Mister was all sorts of upset when he realized we weren’t having banquet rounds and instead I rented long tables. Who knew people cared about the table shapes?
“something like, “You’re doing ___? Oh.” *eyebrow lifts*”
I couldn’t have described that better myself. Even people that are usually polite and keep their opinions to themselves have been known to raise eyebrows at some of my (hardly) trendy/nontradish wedding ideas!
Great post! I went through a lot of that with our wedding too. But when fellow bride friends ask for my opinion regarding their weddings, I often reply with “Do whatever makes you happy” regardless of if I agree or disagree with them because it’s simply the best answer. And if you want my opinion, I only have my own experiences to go on and compare to so it will always be a bit biased. Plus, I feel that “What do you think?” is always a loaded question. The person already has an answer in mind.
I know what you mean. We have hit a lot of criticism. We are really happy with our choices, but it still hurts when loved ones are so judgemental.
Luckily for every critic we’ve had, there have been about 10 times that of people who are just excited for us, but sometimes its the negative feedback that stands out more than the positive.
I am full on bookmarking this post. I am always so worried about what everyone else is saying. It’s hard because I really don’t want some of the traditional things other people have for myself, and a lot of people (see: traditional parents, stuffy friends) don’t get that. Thanks Miss Ramen!
I ran into a lot of that! Even the day before my wedding when more ppl (Gma, family friends) heard I was wearing yellow shoes they would say, “Oh, that is interesting” *eyebrow lift* Ummm ppl I wearing these shoes TOMORROW, maybe you could keep your trap shut… imjustsayin 
miss ramen, you really hit the nail on the head. i too went through the same with my husband’s family. they ALL had opinion’s about something….
1) how come the invitations arent red?
2) why arent you sitting at our table since you are married into this family
3) your date isnt “lucky”…ask your hall to see if you can change the date
…thats just to name a few. and i got radio silence from my side of the family. even when i wanted their opinion they didnt give me one. but now that the wedding is over everyone tells us how much they loved it. you’re right everyone will have something to say but you should stay focused and do what you and mr ramen want. at the end of the day you need to love your day and that is most important!
Oh, I’m right there with you! All we hear is “it’s your wedding, do what makes you happy” and yet are constantly met with that eyebrow, and “oh….ok….” or “you spent HOW much on a photographer???” or “you should do this-this or this…” It makes you want to shake them and scream “BUT YOU SAID to do what makes us happy, so keep your comments and your eyebrows to yourself!” It’s always the women too…. Ugh
Thank you for this! We’ve been together a long time, and consider our wedding more a party than anything, so we’re missing quite a few things: no bridesmaids, no first dance, no bouquet toss, no garter toss, and to top it all off, an all vegetarian cocktail reception.
I’ve seen that eyebrow countless times.
We’re already a month in and we’ve had enough:
“something like, “You’re doing ___? Oh.” *eyebrow lifts*”
for the entire event! Thanks for this post, it feels good to know that we’re all going through it together 
Word up, Ramen!
I just don’t get people some times.
It all stated when I got a gemstone ring (exactly what I wanted) and not a diamond. . . People are just stuck on their traditions, I supposed!
Great post. We’ve run into a LOT of this with out theater wedding But that’s okay, it’s not their wedding!
I think a lot of Brides agree with you here, me included! I also think that most of the nay sayers will change their minds when they see how the day comes together and how happy you two are… at least that’s what happened with us
I am so tired of the refrain “its your wedding do what makes you happy”. Seriously, seriously tired of it. From my MOM! I know she has opinions, just tell me. Just say it.
I am givign myself an ulcer worrying about how to make everyone happy, and it is so hard to know that I cant.
Very true! Our wedding is going to be traditional in a lot of ways, but our uneven bridal party and my desire for fun shoes have caused a lot of eyebrow-raising in my extended family. Kudos to you two for sticking to your guns!
Word! I got a lot from family although it primarily took the form of silent acknowledgment. No bridal party? No favors? Yes. That’s right. I said it and moved on. At moments it was hard, but I think sticking to your guns is a good thing. Great post!
We had a really hard time with this. When all was said and done, my Mom said she should have just let me do everything I wanted including a small wedding. Go figure!
Great Post! I’ve had several ideas that were met with an eyebrow lift which upsets me. In the end, it is our wedding, so they will just have to deal with the fact that we don’t want to blow a ton on flowers on every table, or that I may not want to wear a blusher, or anything else. Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one out there.
I really only get grief on things from my FMIL, and mainly when it comes to how much things cost - but she and FFIL aren’t giving us a DIME!!! So what is it to her? Everyone else is so excited to hear about all of things we are doing to make is “us” - they know me well enough that I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Excellent. I love how you write about this without sounding like you were complaining. My mom cannot get over everything matching. Everything must be the exact same shade of olive green. I wanted all different shades of green with olive being the focus. I always say nature isn’t “matchy-matchy” but it usually looks beautiful.
Love this post! Where to start? Both of our mothers are super opinionated. My mom is mad that we aren’t having a full Catholic mass. My FMIL is upset that we aren’t doing a black tie wedding. Both of them hate that I’m “allowing” the bridesmaids to wear dresses of their choice in various shades of blue. A lot of our friends dislike our Southern traditional heavy hors d’ouerves and stations reception. Guests are complaining about taking the metro and walking from the church to the reception. My family is complaining about an out of town wedding (I have lived in DC for over 7 years!).
I’m so sick of all the opinions! I just want it to be a fun evening!
As much as I think my Mom would be the understanding one in all of this, I still get the eyebrow lifts. sigh
Definitely a great post. I really don’t like hearing things like “you have to have a videographer!” for us it’s an extra that we just can’t afford, and we are perfectly fine with having imperfect footage of ourselves taken by family and friends with a camcorder. thanks for your thoughts!!
My very flexible and laid-back mother threw me for a loop when she heard we were having uneven sides. She was baffled, and couldn’t understand how that was “possible.” But she quickly got on board
Everyone’s got an opinion, all right. And the hard truth of wedding planning is that no matter what you do (sweetheart table, sit with your parents, sit with your wedding party, etc.), someone will think you should have done it differently. So listen to your own gut on questions of aesthetics, and hang in there! Miss Ramen, it sounds like your head is in exactly the right place
Best advice I got was this from someone who said “Ok, now that you are engaged, I’m going to give you a little bit of advice. A LOT of people will have advice & opinions about your wedding. Take their advice & opinions in stride, and then IGNORE EVERYTHING THEY SAY.”
I am currently in a “wedding competition”. My family is comparing my wedding to my cousin’s wedding. She went into CRAZY debt for it and that is just not an option for us. So we are recieving a lot of slack for having a wine and beer bar, making our own centerpieces, having the ceremony in a church… everything! Even when I showed a few relatives my dress I got the “oh, that is nice.” Resulting in me doubting my dress. After that, I decided to ignore them!
Great advice! I feel like my future in-laws saw wedding planning as “we’ll tell you how it’s done” instead of “what do you have in mind?” But after being engaged for so many months they’ve gotten over our non-church ceremony, and other things. Hopefully most people (friends, family, coworkers) will stop eyebrow raising and realize what makes you happy is what makes the day so special!
Hang in there!
My traditional Asian mom was like, “you’re wearing BLACK shoes??!?!?!?!” and nagged at me every. single. time. I saw her.
I went ahead anyway
I hear you Oh wait, I think we all do! Who knew blue shoes could throw my grandma into such a tizzy! Geeze woman, they’re just my shoes! Seriously though, I better not give her any wedding photos where you can see my feel or I might be in BIG trouble!
Thank you for this post… My mom has no interest in helping with the planning but anytime we talk about the wedding, she feels its her job to give her input and make me feel bad for my choices… I believe her exact words are usually something like “well, its not what I would pick but if it makes you happy…” (with the eyebrow lift).
We all need to stick with what makes us happy and try not to let it get to us! Your weddings will all be beautiful and reflect who you are and thats what is important
Thank you for this post! Anytime I tell my mom about what I would want for my future wedding … she says a “well, that’s different …” and kind of trails off. But you’re right - you gotta do what’s right for you - naysayers be damned!
isn’t that so crazy that EVERY.PERSON.EVER has an opinion on your wedding? I have random co-workers bombarding me, asking about what flowers I am going to use, or what DJ to hire (yeah, we’re going iPod; unless we win one at the bridal show later this month!) and it’s just too weird.
@Mrs. French Bulldog: Ah, “interesting” … the passive-aggressive insult to end all passive-aggressive insults!
(My grandmother preferred “different” to “interesting,” but the effect is the same.)
@Champagne Wishes: Interesting. We’re getting read the riot act for NOT getting married in a church!
Hang in there, everyone!
I really needed to read this today. I’ve been engaged 6 weeks and we’ve made a lot of progress, but for some reason I can’t pick a color scheme. I think I’ve been listening to too many people’s opinions and not spending enough time figuring out what makes me happy.
I am bookmarking your post! That was very well said. You’re right… everyone has an opinion on everything and the truth is, for the most part, I don’t care!
That was inspirational and I have a feeling I’ll be looking back at this post more and more as this time passes by (tomorrow is our Two Months Till…) mark.
Thank you so much for that!
i feel you - I get a lot of that!! and yeah! I care, but I dont care lol
i was raised hispanic catholic and its very traditional and cookie cutter, but it’s just not what i want! i want something different! funky and non traditional!
sooo frustrating. Very good post, and you addressed something huge that most of us don’t want to talk about. We don’t want to feel like we’re being whiny or selfish, but this day is about us and OUR love, and showing our taste to the rest of the world
I get this this a lot from FMIL - “Oh, that ought to be a kick, huh?” About the ceremony, being performed by a family member; the table signs we’re making ourselves, the bouquets we’re putting together ourselves, red shoes, flower girl carrying a bucket, and many other things. I don’t want to think of my wedding as a “kick”!
I can completely empathize! I have been completely jealous of my friends planning weddings that didn’t have opinionated family members shaping the way it went. We aren’t Asian, but we are Southern, which definitely comes with a set of expectations and traditions that you can’t ignore. I was able to get out of the bouquet (we have maybe two single girls coming) and the garter toss, but thats about it. Sigh. I hear ya Ramen!!
HAHA such a funny post!! I totally agree… I think at the time, it gets hard to make a decision because there are about… oh maybe 9230483578204 decisions you have to make within months, and you second guess yourself. =)
@mrspaetz: haha, I got “you’re wearing grey shoes?” and “you want to wear RED shoes?” - i thought they would love red!!!
@SeiLuna: i’m so glad i could be a source of encouragement to you!!!
@texasmeredith: don’t worry, i think every bride changes her color scheme at least… oh… 5 times! haha
@krissycake: we’re probably going to ipod it too!!!
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Miss Ramen, Phoenix
Age and Occupation: 26, Optometry Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 23, Industrial Designer
Engagement Date: January 3, 2009
Wedding Date: December 2009
Venue: Phoenix Art Museum
About Me: I'm an SF-born, Seattle-raised girl, transplanted to Phoenix where I'll be getting married, and planning all the way from Orange County where I go to school (yes, it feels as crazy as it sounds). I loooooove Yogurtland, am slightly very obsessed with all things paper, am heavily addicted to wedding blogs, deeply desire a puppy, thoroughly enjoy cooking, cry when I watch (almost all) movies, thrive on solo car-karaoke, can't stop being sarcastic, am neurotic about taking pictures of almost everything I eat before I eat it, and aspire to travel the world. My super-talented fiance and I are attempting to DIY a majority of our massive (~350 guests) "clean & modern, yet romantic, but completely unexpected, with a teeny dash of vintage" wedding, stay within our not-so-massive budget, and somehow get a really luxe (but still fun!) look/feel at the same time. In music terms (since we're both really into music) think Coldplay meets Motown meets Kanye meets Sinatra.
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