Wedding Blog
Interestingly enough, being happy is sometimes the exact source of my worry. Call it first child syndrome, people pleasing, or a personality flaw, but whatever you call it, I have it. In my immense desire to please people, especially authority figures, I sacrifice what I think will make me happy.
In my own mind, this sacrifice ultimately will make me happy, because I think that my source of happiness will stem from pleasing that person. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, congratulations! You may be a youngest born, or just not give a crap about what anybody else thinks. I truly wonder how free that must feel!
*tap, tap, tap*
Excuse, Miss Lamb? This is a wedding blog about rainbows and butterflies and love being enough!
Well, dear reader, I never would have believed it before going through it myself, but weddings are not all they’re cracked up to be. Now just gather around and let me tell you a little wedding story.
Once upon a time, there was a little girl who believed that every girl would feel like Cinderella on her wedding day and that she would have lovely glass slippers to wear. This little girl grew up and fell in love with a man an inch tall than her.
So, she decided that she would buy a pair of ballet flats.
She also couldn’t stop browsing eBay and found a gorgeous pair of high heels. Prince Charming encouraged her to wear what she wanted to wear. Then the well meaning mother, whom the girl adored, sang the praises of the ballet flats. She tried them both on with her dress and knew that she felt glamorous and like a movie star in the high heels. But the well meaning mother made a long list of reasons not to wear them.
The girl couldn’t sleep at night. Mother loved the pretty ballet shoes. And everyone knows that: “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” All of the lovely ‘maids by the girl’s side also whispered in her dreams. They said, “You should feel glamorous in your shoes!” The girl entertained all sorts of compromises, wearing the movie star shoes and then wearing the ballet shoes later. And vice versa.
Unable to make a choice, a sad and conflicted spell was cast upon the girl and she could not sleep again until she made the choice to make herself happy, or make others happy.
The End.
Are you easily influenced by your desire to please others? Did you ever commit to a wedding item that someone else liked, only to regret it later?
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Share this post: Don’t Worry, Be Happy
I was so lost and then I read this: “If you have no idea what I’m talking about…You may be a youngest born…” Indeed I am! Sooo which did you choose?
Do the ones you like! I’m an oldest too. It’s hard to not please everyone else but if your husband to be is fine with it then go for the heels! My husband is three inches shorter than me and I sure did wear heels on our wedding day. I felt hotter and he didn’t mind.
I’m the same way! I’m already dreading trying to make everyone happy while planning the wedding. I haven’t even figured anything out for sure and the logistics already have me terrified!
I do think you should go with the heels if they make you happier though. It’s your day to feel like a movie star! Good luck!
@markyk: LOL
i hope you followed your heart and got the heels. i do like your compromise of both the heels and flats but i can tell you really do love the heels. go with the heels!
I’m an oldest and I feel your pain…125%!!! I think you should wear the ones you love! Despite the fact that your mom is advocating the flats, her main concern is that you are happy on your wedding day! I think she will stand by you, no matter what shoes you may choose. 
First born crazy people pleaser here….reading this totally stressed me out and I feel your pain. Here is what I would do if I were you (only a suggestion tho…) :
I would wear the heels at the reception and during pictures with the b’maids and family but wear the flats during the ceremony and pictures with your man.
Good luck!
I’m a first born and my desire to please really hindered me. I went to college for a profession I didn’t like at the time because my father wanted to see me there. My wedding wasn’t “me” in an effort to please others around me. Do what you want- I have regrets.
Like CourtneyCrocker said, I am so the same way that reading this stressed me out too! Weirdly enough, I had never associated it with the first born thing before! I have been consciously trying to work on this too, especially with the wedding, but it’s so hard once it’s programmed into you your whole life!! Good luck standing up for yourself, Miss Lamb! (And P.S. Go with the heels!!! You’ll always have the ballet flats to change into if your feet get sore!)
I hear you, I spent many a prom in flats.
One way to solve the barely taller future husband dilemma: he wears cowboy boots? In Montana, that amounts to men’s dress wear, just make ‘em shiny!
yes yes YES! i totally know what you are talking about! and like bri i never knew that was a first born thing either, but knowing my family & friends it makes TOTAL sense. fortunately my wedding thus far has been all my own… although i’m sure it’s only a matter of time
ps wear the heels
I’m the middle child and I’m a total people pleaser!! I think it stems from me always wanting the attention that was given to my older and younger siblings. The only way I could get it was by sucking up .. if one of them complained, I made an extra effort to be agreeable. *Sigh* This has definitely effected my wedding ~ from BM dresses to flowers to location…
I’m just like you! I always want to please everyone else… it gets really annoying. Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much!
I am also the oldest and a TOTAL people pleaser! I had no idea the was an older sibling thing! I too wish I didn’t care so much sometimes :-/
My mom didn’t like that I wanted to wear colored shoes w/ my white dress, but I knew that was what I wanted and in the end she ended up really liking them
I’m the total first born people pleaser too! I know your pain! And while I agree with everyone and want to say wear the heels, that is soooo easier said than done. If I could follow my own advice, maybe there would be something in our wedding that I REALLY wanted instead of settling for the cheaper, more convenient, practical choices that I’ve made so far! (but that bigger down payment on the house will be nice) Maybe we should start a support group!
I’m a youngest, but definitely have that problem too.
Also, I bought those flats for my wedding and my mom LOVED them. I felt less enthused, but I tower over 6′ and I hate seeing pictures of myself next to shorter people because I look ENORMOUS. So flats it is. But if you are a normal height, wear the heels! I would if I could.
OMG the story of my day!
I just went to the dress shop in a panic because I was not getting the positive response to the pictures of my dress. Did I choose the wrong lace color? Should I change it? I few tears and a panic attack later, I went with what I wanted. I have to get use to the do-what-makes-me-happy thing!!
DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY MISS LAMB!!! I love the heels and you deserve to feel your best.
oh to be the oldest. i wouldn’t say that i’m necessarily a people-pleaser, but i def go out of my way to accommodate people. it’s my constant hostess-mindset. (i love heels!)
This is the story of my life. Seriously. I have the same thing going on with my mother. I can do you one worse though - I also have my FMIL in on it too. I totally feel your pain…
That being said, go for the heels. They are fabulous, and you deserve to feel like a princess. Truth be told, your feet will probably be dying halfway through your reception and you’ll want to switch to the flats anyways!
I’m the middle child, and i do what i want! Seriously, sometimes I need to think about others first…
Anywho, how bout a compromise? Wear the ballet flats for the ceremony and then the heels to dance the night away!! Your height difference won’t be as noticeable during the ceremony (if that’s what your worried about)
I’m the exact same way!!! I’m the first born & the first wedding since my parents 24 years ago. That’s pretty much how it went down for deciding our date… & some other things If you want the heels- go with the heels!
First born ONLY child here who totally gets the people pleasing side and yet …. as an only also thinks it”s your wedding and your feet! Wear what you want!!! (Or even wear both! Glamourous for the ceremony and Dancing shoes for the Dancing of course!
Wow! I didn’t think so many people would “get it”! I’m so glad I’m not alone out there. I don’t think I fully grasped how I handled social interactions until I understood this aspect of myself.
@Myne Whitman: Soon! I promise
Hi Lammie, its me, your twin!
Ahhhh!
I totally feel you on the people pleasing.
And truth be told me and my FI are the same height.
And yes, i bought glamourous 3.5 inch heels.
CAUSE THEY ARE AWESOME!
No one is going to care who is taller. They are all going to still be looking at me. haha
Heres how you get out of people pleasin’:
Make your choice. Dont tell anyone. BE HAPPY!
Oldest child and complete people pleaser here. Wear what makes you happy. Easier said than done, I know.
I didn’t commit to anything, but being the oldest child myself, I also try to people please…and nearly let my mother talk me out of the colors that I really wanted to have…
You could always split the difference… and maybe wear the ballet flats during the ceremony (since you will be standing next to each other), and the high heels during the reception?
I am so glad I’m not the only one…
my family kept trying to talk my fiance and I into a big wedding, but we like our party of fifty…BUT narrowing down to a party of fifty is really hard when you want to make everyone happy!
In short, I sympathize. Wear the heels.
Last born, total people pleaser. I think I’m more an oldest child than a youngest child in many ways, and this is one of them! I feel your pain.
Oh my goodness, I could have written this post. I’m the same way. Wear what you love and I’m sure your mom will follow suit (right? maybe?)!
I feel ya on being a people pleaser, I got my wedding dress more for my family than myself…and I regret it 
Please go with your pretty shoes, and like Mr. Bee said you can always wear the flats for part of the day, maybe even for some pictures so your Mr will still be taller than you.
*hugs* I missed the oldest children people pleaser gene, apparently, since I am the rebellious one. I so know the shoe dilemma, though, especially cause my boyfriend is only about 3 inches taller than me (sometimes he wears cowboy boots though)! Wear what you want when you want… and if it comes down to it, explain to mom that they are JUST SHOES and man, if your feet hurt… game over! No one wants that. Good luck!
I hear you!!
My guy always reminds me, “stop worrying about what makes everyone happy - just make yourself happy.” He understands that one of the qualities he loves in me (my ability to consider the feelings of everyone around me) can be a negative when in excess. It’s a remmant of a bad relationship in the past and something I’m working on.
wear the heels, walk down the aisle, take bridal portraits feeling confident and beautiful and know that your husband would only want that from you too.
then change out into ballet flats for dancing / as the day wears on.
remember, the man of your choice if so confident of himself, loves you so much that he wants you to feel the best.
so who are you really compromising for?
I’m an oldest and people pleaser too! Thankfully, Grandma has been pushing me to have my wedding and forget everyone else. Even when she doesn’t like something, she’ll put on a happy face and tell me that its my wedding.
I say… your mom (as always) has some great points, but you should never loose sleep over flats vs heels! Do what makes you happy
Wear what you want and bring the flats. By the end of the reception you might be happy you have them.
Oldest child/People Pleaser to the max…
I feel your pain on this one - I have a decision to make with my shoes too. Mr. Q is about an inch taller than me and although he has encouraged me to wear heels, I feel strange about being taller than him and if people will comment. I have carefully avoided “the mother” thus far because I’m not ready to decide yet. The same type thing spills into lots of other weddin decisions… dress style, venue, menu, registry. aarrrrggghhhh. Come on people I just wanna get married….
Let us know what you did…
Download “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” on your phone. Then, play it for yourself, when you’re worried about pleasing other people. I did! I may have gotten some crazy looks jamming out to it in my car, but it helped to remind me that my wedding was about my fiance and I, not my mom or his mom, or my grandmother..
I am marrying a man that is a half an inch shorter than me. 
I am still deciding between flats and heels myself, but he really wants me to wear heels. He loves tall women.
Love the short man…..they make up for it in so many different ways.
I feel ya on being a people pleaser. It is the bane of my existence. As the only child I am the great white hope…I am sure you will find the perfect compromise
My husband is an inch taller than me, I wore 2.5″ heels, I was taller than him in some pictures.
Those pictures still look great, and I got lots of compliments on my “amazing” shoes! I wore ballet flats for the reception, it worked out splendidly. Wear the shoes that make you feel good, please!!
MY boyfriend is 1/4 inch taller than me - I struggle with this too! Thanks for the interesting way you word your posts - they’re most enjoyable.
As for the pleasing other things - I COMPLETELY understand! And I seriously suggest reading Boundaries (I commented in an earlier post about how great it is) because it helps deal with this pleasing others thing … and seriously, freeing yourself from that mentality is great. We don’t have to please others on this earth, just work hard to please God!
Yes, I often contemplated a compromise. The compromise has two downsides to me though:
1. I felt it was a compromise to my happiness and perhaps even a compromise of my ability to make a decision for myself.
2. It is more costly to keep both pairs of shoes.
Oh the inner turmoil over such a silly accessory!
I feel your pain, my friend.
I agree with Mrs. Bee, where the flats for the ceremony and the heels for the reception!
I think you need to do what makes yourself happy. Eventually your mom will be happy because she will see how happy your are. My mom has many times tried to make me doubt things, based on her misperceptions, and I am happy that I did not do as she said. I went to a great high school, away for college, went to law school, and even decided to wear red shoes. All these things she had doubts about, but once I made the decision to do as I please, she always came around and said I made the right decision. Don’t compromise yourself for other people because it may show in other areas
I’m on the edge of my seat — which did you choose?
Like @Frenchie - I wore colored shoes and my mom was really apprehensive about it. Like way over the top “what will people think? This is a wedding for heavens sake, not a nightclub.” In the end, she loved them, loved showing them off to people, loves pointing them out in photos…. amazing.
But - the other thing I gave in one (that I STILL REGRET) is that my mom was adament about not having children at the wedding ceremony or the reception. I tried all kinds of compromise scenarios, but she wouldn’t budge. She became emotional about how much she did not want children at her ceremony, they came anyway, and they ruined things. So she KNEW that I would hate them at my wedding. Instead, I hate the sad eyes I get from my little cousins when they ask why they couldn’t come to the wedding…
Don’t give in! Your mom won’t even notice on the day of - or at least compromise like @Mrs. Bee says!
I think there are a million and one people out there like us. I’m a people pleaser… why does that should like people eater??… Anyway I say be comfortable! If you want to wear the heels for the wedding and then put the flats on for the reception, then you should do it! My mom is very pushy and so is my sister, but my FH stands by me and tells me I need to make the decision that makes me happy in the end. Besides isn’t it still our day? 
Good luck with the decision Miss Lamb!!
Ugh! I’m a first born, and total people pleaser. In every aspect of my life. It has led me down some really dark and stressful roads. I’m really trying to get out of my people pleasing ways, but sadly, I believe it comes with first-born territory.
I’m a youngest child people pleaser. In fact, all of my sisters are! What really hurt my feelings were comments people made AFTER the wedding. I tried really hard to plan a day that everyone would enjoy, so when folks made negative comments, I took it really personally. (I have to remember that you can’t please everybody - some people have tastes and opinions that literally contradict each other.)
Aww, I *totally* know what you mean! I’m the youngest, so I don’t think this particular f-ailment just afflicts the oldest — and it’s terribly paralyzing! You know we’re all here to support you — I will say this: I’m also just an inch shorter than my hubs, and I’d thought I had picked a good pair of heels compared to his boots + was still under… and when I discovered I wasn’t, I was devastated! And part of my self-consciousness showed in some of my photos. So if you do go glam, be proud! Nothing’s worse than a slouchy bride, right? And if you end up with the flats, I saw you should glam those out to the max Maybe some kitten heels or short wedges are still out there, to give you a little kick but still maintain the height differential? Good luck!
wear both.; 1 to ceremony and 1 to reception.
I agree with the above!! Wear the flats to the reception for dancing (your feet will thank you!) and weare the heels to the ceremony
Yes, Miss Lamb! I struggle with this, too. Though I’m not exactly a first born - I’m an only.
I agree with the others, flats for pictures with your beloved and heels for your own portraits. The flats will be cherished each time you hit the dance floor, if only I’d had stuck to wearing them myself (was practically forced to wear heels), I’d have danced a lot more!
I am the same way, and the need to please others always keeps me up at night! Good luck with whatever you choose.
I didn’t read all of the comments, but I agree with Mrs. Lightning. I’m about a half inch to an inch taller than my boyfriend and I just figured I was stuck wearing flats the whole time when he and I get married. This is a fabulous idea for us taller girls!
[...] may remember that I left our heroine under a spell of self-doubt and inability to make a choice. I am obliged to tell you that there is [...]
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Miss Lamb, Norfolk
Age and Occupation: 25, Homeland Security Consultant
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Graduate Student
Engagement Date: January 2009
Wedding Date: January 2010
Venue: Trinity Presbyterian Church/Harrison Opera House
About Me: I’m a Homeland Security Consultant with a tendency towards pulling office pranks, taking lunch breaks, and drinking Wawa shakes. I’m also an English major with a serious obsession with alliteration and rhymes. While I’m not keeping America safe, I’m training for half marathons and the Escape from Alcatraz swim. Or moving for the third time this year. Or baking. Or wedding crafting. Or crying about wedding planning. All the while, I’m getting myself into Lucille Ball-esque scrapes and making Jim Carey-esque faces. Our big fat Czech/Baptist/Jewish/Italian wedding is a combination of vintage eclectic, DIY, and little spoonful of sugar from our Event Coordinator. It’s going to be a Norfolk flavored wedding with the verve of an only-daughter-blow-out bash!
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