Wedding Blog
I posted a few weeks back about a dilemma I was facing in regards to our ceremony: how to honor the fact that our gay friends are not allowed to marry and make it clear that we have not forgotten them in their struggle for equality, while not riling up our more conservative guests to the point that they want to walk out.
I wanted to thank you all for your comments and the respectful dialogue that you all created, because it really helped clear my thoughts on the issue and played a big part in the decision that Mr. Star and I made.
Most of you felt that it would be perfectly reasonable to make mention of our beliefs during the ceremony. Those of you who didn’t mostly felt that it was due to the fact that a wedding ceremony is not about politics. And I totally agree, weddings should not be about politics. But to us, the issue of gay civil rights is not just a political issue played out on the national political stage while we stand on the sidelines as spectators. It is an issue that affects the day-to-day lives of many of our friends who are being gracious enough to come celebrate our wedding, even as they still fight for the right to have their own.
No one would feel that it was wrong or “too political” to mention the American Cancer Society or to donate towards the fight for a cure if one of our grandfathers had passed away from lung cancer, yet tobacco legislation is a political issue that is hotly contested up on Capitol Hill. So I don’t think it’s too unreasonable for us to express the ideals we feel are important to mention in our wedding ceremony, much like I respect many religious sentiments that I don’t agree with when they are incorporated into my friends’ wedding ceremonies.
Do I think that it will change people’s minds? Maybe, maybe not. Some of Mr. Star’s family has become much more accepting of gay people in their lives since they’ve spent some time with our many gay friends, so who’s to say it won’t help? And even if it doesn’t, we will feel good about making it known that we have not forgotten about, waffled on, or glossed over what we believe is right.
Momma Star and I sat down together to finish sculpting the text of our ceremony together, and while I’m planning on doing a few posts about writing your own ceremony (post-wedding, of course!), I thought I’d share a little excerpt with you all, since you were such a big part of our decision process:
And as we remember those who are not with us today, we also extend a loving welcome to those of us here today who cannot, by law, take the step Kate and Dan are taking today. Kate and Dan have taken to the streets more than once raising their voices for your cause, and they know an occasion such as this one can be difficult for you to watch. We thank you for sharing in this ceremony anyway. In a just world, we will all be free to make a lawful, lifetime commitment to our soul mates, no matter who they are. Kate and Dan commit to continuing in their efforts to see that that just world arrives soon. Kate promises she will sing at your own wedding. And Dan promises not to.
Rounding out a very serious issue with some humor, respect for others, and a whole lotta hope for the future.
Thank you, each and every one of you who commented, for your input and respect. If only the whole world was as kind and supportive as Weddingbee, it would be a very different place.
What difficult issues did you grapple with when planning your ceremony?
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Share this post: Honoring our Gay Friends: Decision Time
Star, I think it’s great that you’re including this sentiment in your ceremony, as it’s so important to you and Mr. Star. And I approve of the O. Henry-like twist at the end of it to lighten the mood 
Wow! That is so touching. I love that you chose to include that, in spite of any opposition. I love the bit of humor too! I’m facing a bit of opposition with my church because instead of using the Book of Common Worship for a “canned” wedding, we’re writing the ceremony ourselves (I’m in seminary…so I sort of have a right to?) Anyway, it includes some worship practices that I learned in seminary, but that my own church isn’t necessarily comfortable with. It should be interesting when I present these to the church wedding planner!
that is great! Perfect amount of sentiment, honesty & humor! Can’t wait to hear about the rest of the ceremony!
I think it sounds perfect star. I’m so glad you’re adding that in your ceremony!
Perfect! Very eloquently put, with a nice touch of humor. I think your guests will appreciate the sentiment.
I love how you worded that. I definitely would like to include something similar… my very best friend is gay and will be standing up with me as my “bridesman.”
However, Tulare County is the only conservative county in California. Every other car has a “Support Prop 8″ bumper sticker firmly affixed, and I know that a lot of my family that will be in attendance at our wedding have those views, as backward and dated they may be.
I’ll have to come up with a way to aknowledge how unfair it is that my best friend won’t be able to marry, while trying to keep the gossip level down!
I might just have to borrow some of your words… we’ll see : )
Miss Star - Wonderfully put!
Thank you for incorporating this into your ceremony. I’m cheering for you all the way over on the west coast!
Thanks for being one of my favourite bees, in every way.
That is beautiful! I think it is great and we’re looking at adding something like that too. A friend of mine is marrying her partner in March and it is sometimes difficult to hear how people treat her after they find out she is in a bride-bride wedding. I think its despicable for a wedding store/venue/caterer/florist/anyone to judge her for her love and commitment to another human.
Thank you for being such a positive force towards equality!
I think it’s very nicel done. In case you want a suggestion: How about saying “I know watching can be bittersweet…” instead of “difficult to watch” because surely your friends are over joyed that the two of you are getting married while they still might be sad that they don’t have civic equality.
I love that you’re doing this. Probably the one thing I regret most about my own ceremony was the traditional wording of taking one another “as God intended, one man and one woman.” It’s totally my own fault, as I didn’t go over the vows with our officiant beforehand, and I knew she was conservative Christian and likely to include that, but I’m still really dismayed that I let that wording be a part of our commitment.
It’s a touchy subject, but obviously an important one (or it wouldn’t be so touchy!), and I think there are ways to cater to both ends of the spectrum. I think you’re doing beautifully!
BRAVO for your wording! I love it! Adore the humor at the end, but it is very well put. You’re amazing!
you have expressed your sentiments in such a classy and respectful way, i’m sure it will touch some hearts on your wedding day!
LOVE IT! also, i think it’s great that you added the joke at the end.
I love this post and your decision! The script is perfect, respectful but gets your point of view across…Well done!
Love that your standing up for what you believe in, and doing it so tastefully. That’s a great sentiment, and I know your friends will love to hear it and know they’ll have a singer for their wedding 
I think what you’ve written it perfect (although I do 2nd the change Mrs. Smith suggested). I hope to include something similar in my ceremony and will refer back to this and your other post while coming up with the wording. Thank you, thank you, thank you for including this and not shying away from a subject you are so obviously passionate about.
That was BEAUTIFUL Miss Star! You made me cry and I’m sure there will be plenty of touched tears during your wedding. You are awesome.
Well put, and not at all political. Perfect! Now, do you want to do some of my writing for me?
That wording is really beautiful. This is something we are deciding on as well, so I appreciate you sharing.
My gay best friend was our officiant, and my husband (then-boyfriend) and I had a big role in my friend’s own commitment ceremony a few years earlier. We/he made a statement in our ceremony acknowledging our friends and family who are gay and do not have the opportunity to make the same choice to be legally married. It was beautiful, unexpected, and my aunts/uncles/friends all mentioned how touched they were to be included in that way. Yours will, too. BUT I agree with Mrs. Smith’s comment– everyone there will be joyful and happy for the two of you, I promise! ‘bittersweet’ is a better word to keep with the tone you’ve set…
I love this! My fiance and I are trying to come up with a way to honor our gay friends in our Catholic ceremony. It’s a little bit more tricky since we’re really not allowed to write our own ceremony or don’t have much selection in the readings. We’re trying to come up with something to include as a petition for the Prayers of the Faithful, since that’s probably the only part of mass we can personalize. Thanks for the inspiration!
This is wonderful! We’ve been looking for a way to incorporate these sentiments into our ceremony. We’re having a total of four people stand up for us and my bridesmaid is a lesbian and his groomsman is gay, and both are in very long term relationships, so we really want to acknowledge them in some way. They’ve both been so wonderful to us, but I know that on some level it must be difficult for them.
Lovely - so nice to see support for your gay friends this way!
Very well written and not overbearing at all! I love it!
Yay! I love how you’re handling this sticky topic! So tasteful. I know from experience that if people have a problem with anything in your ceremony, they won’t walk out and they won’t say anything to you about it. They’ll likely just keep it to themselves.
Perfect! No one should feel disrespected by that. It’s very tasteful.
That is very well written and I’m sure it is going to mean a lot to your friends. It’s put perfectly and I love the little bit of humor at the end.
Love it Miss Star. Rock on with your bad self. And the ending is priceless. Very sweet.
Thank you from a gay bride-to-be! You brought on the tears! I do agree with the other readers’ suggestions to change the wording to “bittersweet” b/c I know that I’m so super proud and happy for ALL of my friends at their weddings- gay or straight.
@tallulah: Glad that you appreciate it
And to everyone who is concerned with that one line, yes, it has been changed!
Really very special that you are including this in your ceremony. Nicely written.
Very nicely put Star. I’m sure your friends will appreciate it!
Well-written, and I love the humor thrown in at the end! Brava!
Well done. I’m proud of you and Mr Star for making an effort like this!
From another gay bride, thank you! It’s lovely! I’m so glad you decided to put something in!
Lovely wording, and I also like the humor at the end! I applaud you for standing up for what you believe in, and for standing up for your friends like that. That’s true friendship!!
I like it, and am glad to hear you are including this in your ceremony. I think it is a fabulous gesture.
We are going to have a basket of white knots at the ceremony and reception with little signs explaining their meaning and encouraging people to wear them throughout the wedding.
[...] out fliers if she would take our picture on the steps. And yes, those are the same steps that we protested in front of just a few months [...]
I love the way you worded that and the end little joke is so cute
I love this, Star! I think it’s wonderful that you’re adding this important issue to your day.
I feel very, VERY strongly about gay rights and the right to marriage for ALL people, and I think your statement is very well written. However, if I were a guest at a ceremony and they started talking about anti-abortion or anti-gay marriage beliefs (and not just a sentence or something, an entire paragraph like yours) or something that I felt really strongly about, I would walk out right in the middle of the ceremony. I’m not going to be forced to listen to something like that just because it would be rude to leave. Why would you say something that might offend a single one of your guests? Gay marriage is a very polarizing topic since it often centers around a person’s core beliefs and even religion. If it offends anyone, its going to offend them a LOT, not just a little bit.
If you’re having a hard time understanding how it could offend one of your friends or family members, imagine the opposite. Imagine how you would feel if you were invited to a wedding and they went out of their way in the middle of the ceremony to talk about the “sanctity” of marriage between one man and one woman, and how in a just world no one would be allowed to corrupt that belief before God, how they had worked tirelessly to march in protest of gay marriage and would continue to fight it, etc. Imagine how strongly you feel about the right of your gay friends to marry, and then you went to a wedding where they said something like that. Wouldn’t it make you angry? Wouldn’t you perhaps feel like it was a slap in the face? Especially since if you were invited, the bride and groom must know and have a relationship (probably a good one) with you, and know of your beliefs since you feel so strongly about them, and knew that even though they would be seriously offending you, they would do it anyway.
You should always be true to yourself and your beliefs, but a wedding is a situation where you are inviting people to be your guests. Think of all the things you are doing to go out of your way to welcome them and make them feel comfortable and invited and special to you by asking them to be a part of this joyous occasion in your life- why would you do or say anything that you know for a fact may offend and potentially anger/hurt even one of them?
Even if you didn’t have a single Christian/religious/conservative friend or family member, it still seems in poor taste to turn a wedding ceremony (even in part) into a social/political commentary.
Fan - a wedding is an appropriate time to make a statement about MARRIAGE equality. For gay people and their supporters like the Stars, this is not a political issue, it is a deeply personal one.
I think this is perfect. I have been wondering about the very same issue. We even talked about not getting married until there was full equality for everyone. I think a wedding day is about who you are as a couple, and I think it is the perfect moment to express how you feel about marriage…not just your marriage, but the state of marriage.
There was a comment above about people being forced to listen to your views, umm I am not Christian and I go to Christian weddings because I support and I love the couple and if they want to express their love for Jesus, go for it. If you really know the couple, where is the surprise?
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Mrs. Star, New York City
Age and Occupation: 22, Actress
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Casting Assistant
Wedding Date: October 2009
Venue: Ceremony: The Kraine Theatre, Reception: Midtown Loft & Terrace
About Me: I’m a professional actress who’s always had New York City in her blood and I'm finally getting the chance to make a home in Manhattan with my fiancé, my dog, and my big dreams! I love polka dots, craft projects, Dunkin’ Donuts’ iced coffee, and anything sparkly. I’m having a blast planning our elegant/dramatic/New York City/acting-themed/largely-DIY wedding and am thrilled to be the youngest current Miss Blogger!
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