Weddingbee Blog

I posted a few weeks back about a dilemma I was facing in regards to our ceremony: how to honor the fact that our gay friends are not allowed to marry and make it clear that we have not forgotten them in their struggle for equality, while not riling up our more conservative guests to the point that they want to walk out.

I wanted to thank you all for your comments and the respectful dialogue that you all created, because it really helped clear my thoughts on the issue and played a big part in the decision that Mr. Star and I made.

Most of you felt that it would be perfectly reasonable to make mention of our beliefs during the ceremony. Those of you who didn’t mostly felt that it was due to the fact that a wedding ceremony is not about politics. And I totally agree, weddings should not be about politics. But to us, the issue of gay civil rights is not just a political issue played out on the national political stage while we stand on the sidelines as spectators. It is an issue that affects the day-to-day lives of many of our friends who are being gracious enough to come celebrate our wedding, even as they still fight for the right to have their own.

No one would feel that it was wrong or “too political” to mention the American Cancer Society or to donate towards the fight for a cure if one of our grandfathers had passed away from lung cancer, yet tobacco legislation is a political issue that is hotly contested up on Capitol Hill. So I don’t think it’s too unreasonable for us to express the ideals we feel are important to mention in our wedding ceremony, much like I respect many religious sentiments that I don’t agree with when they are incorporated into my friends’ wedding ceremonies.

Do I think that it will change people’s minds? Maybe, maybe not. Some of Mr. Star’s family has become much more accepting of gay people in their lives since they’ve spent some time with our many gay friends, so who’s to say it won’t help? And even if it doesn’t, we will feel good about making it known that we have not forgotten about, waffled on, or glossed over what we believe is right.

Momma Star and I sat down together to finish sculpting the text of our ceremony together, and while I’m planning on doing a few posts about writing your own ceremony (post-wedding, of course!), I thought I’d share a little excerpt with you all, since you were such a big part of our decision process:

And as we remember those who are not with us today, we also extend a loving welcome to those of us here today who cannot, by law, take the step Kate and Dan are taking today. Kate and Dan have taken to the streets more than once raising their voices for your cause, and they know an occasion such as this one can be difficult for you to watch. We thank you for sharing in this ceremony anyway. In a just world, we will all be free to make a lawful, lifetime commitment to our soul mates, no matter who they are. Kate and Dan commit to continuing in their efforts to see that that just world arrives soon. Kate promises she will sing at your own wedding. And Dan promises not to.

Rounding out a very serious issue with some humor, respect for others, and a whole lotta hope for the future.

Thank you, each and every one of you who commented, for your input and respect. If only the whole world was as kind and supportive as Weddingbee, it would be a very different place.

What difficult issues did you grapple with when planning your ceremony?