Wedding Blog
I was on the phone with SistahChips and she spoke carefully: “Mom told me that she really loves your dress—really does—but mentioned how she always pictured taking you to a bridal salon like Priscilla of Boston.” And then the bomb. “She was sad.”
Me: Sigh.
This is Portuguese guilt. It is entwined very strongly with Portuguese Love (also see: Portuguese Food). I didn’t quite understand it until we visited the Azores last June. At the airport, in line for customs, we watched a Portuguese mother holler at her son for running off without telling her. Both were sobbing and shaking and apologizing and blaming. My sister and I turned to each other with raised eyebrows: our childhoods suddenly made a lot more sense.
It’s a hard thing to explain and I’m probably not doing a very good job at it. But it’s innate, it’s in our bones. A strong sense of guilt and a ridiculous need to please others is passed down from one generation to the next.
Against my better judgment, I think I’ll acquiesce, make the appointment at Priscilla of Boston, and give my mom the moment she’s apparently dreamed of.
Best case scenario: It is confirmed that my dress is the awesomest, no harm, no foul. Worst case: I find something else I like and have to make a (pricey) decision.
This is a bad idea, right? What would you do? Are you a people-pleaser as well? Is there a twelve-step program I can go to for this?
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Share this post: Change of A-dress?
i think this would be something i’d concede to my mom. i don’t really see the innate harm. like you said, maybe it’ll reinforce your original choice!
Dude. As an extreme sufferer of Irish guilt, I feel your pain. But I would only do the pity-visit if you are 100% sure that she won’t guilt you into buying something there. Maybe 110%?
But if you’re sure she’s ok with just VISITING the salon, and seeing you all prettified, then it’d probably be fun.
I think I’d see this as a fun chance to dress up in beautiful gowns and make your mom happy all at the same time! Win/Win! I was there and it’s a beautiful bridal salon (no way it is a ’shop’ or ’store’ - it’s gorgeous!)
EVERYTHING was totally out of my price range but it was a fun experience anyway!
Enjoy it!
I had a similar CatholicItalianGuilt(c) related situation with my mom during dress shopping. At the end of the day, I felt like I owed her a moment. We ended up both liking a dress I knew I would be happy wearing. But - it wasn’t the easiest experience.
Two side notes: So awesome you’ve been to the Azores, I’ve been dying to go there since seeing the islands on Anthony Bourdain’s show. Secondly, I love your posts… they make me happy that I’ve kept reading Weddingbee months after I got married.
If you really loved the dress you have you’ll be ok - I went and tried on dresses with my mom mostly for her since I would be going back to CA to try on dresses on my own. I had a dress I loved in the back of my mind and wasn’t swayed even with my mom swooning over things. Of course it’s more dangerous in your case that you will be trying on more expensive dresses! Just keep in mind you chose yours for a reason (and saved a bundle)! Good luck!
I’m a total people pleaser. I haven’t ever dealt with Portuguese Guilt, but I have dealt with the Southern-WASP Martyrs. Lawd, we some whiny and passive-aggressive folks down heeyuh.
I´m with you on the Portuguese Guilt! I guess I do try to please my mom and her entire family, but if I give it a try and it is not enough, I am over it!
I would definitely go to Priscillas with your mom. How bad can it be?
I am a terrible people pleaser. I chose my dress during the ONLY shopping trip that included my mom, twin sister, and FMIL… intense pressure to please! I found a dress that I loved that made my FMIL cry, and made my mom yell at me to “just make a decision already.” Tough love + pressure to perform = dress was purchased!
I’d suggest that you should go to the salon to please your mother, but I don’t know how qualified my opinion is since I also need to be signed up for your 12-step people pleasing program. ^_^
I’m a huge people pleaser too, so I can relate to your dilemma. I think you should go to POB with your Mom. It will probably just reinforce your original dress is THE ONE.
I’m actually afraid I picked my dress because it made my Mom cry. Don’t get me wrong - its a beautiful dress, but I’m not sure its THE ONE. So, I’m going dress shopping again (with out my Mom) and trying on more dresses and then trying on the dress that made my Mom cry. I’m hoping I’ll know one way or the other.
Oh Dear… You should go and let her see you being treated like her darling princess! What mother doesn’t like seeing her child shine? She will have a fabulous experience, and you will see that ‘your’ dress is THE one! I tried on about 30 dresses… seriously 30… to keep my mom happy… and you know what? I still went back to the first dress I tried on and fell in love with! (even though it wasn’t her first choice) She also wants you to be happy… don’t forget that… she wants your wedding experience to be amazing 
Have a bellini and go try on some dresses!
I am only enough of a people-pleaser to feel guilty about the fact that I rarely care about pleasing people.
No matter what your nationality though, everyone understands MOM GUILT.
I love the dress you picked, but I love Priscilla’s gowns too. One of my best friends missed out on the bridal shop experiences by going to bridal walmart… so I think you should go… because maybe you’ll be a two gown bride!… and just maybe you’ll have a day that your mom has dreamed of giving you!
@Kara: I agree Italy and Portugal must be close for a reason- what can you do? I would probably give in too- i took my mother with me to Kleinfield’s just to “look” and walked out with a dress. My mother had alot of opinions but in my case
a. they were good ones
b. i agreed with most.
in the end you can’t please everyone, but if you have to please one family member i would go with mom
Guilt and people-pleasing are not left to the Portuguese alone! : ) I think all of us go through those emotions. I think the dress shopping at Priscillas will be a great experience, and really, if that’s your mom’s dream - how easy is that to give!?!
Thanks for the support everyone! I’m waiting for my mom to bring it up again, so we’ll see! I’m sorry many of you are also victims of The Guilt. It really creeps up on ya, doesn’t it??
@jmc: AMEN! lol. There’s also Daddy Guilt too, in my land.
I totally picked my dress cause my mom told me to. My mom and I have very similar tastes, and I was pretty horrified by the whole choosing a dress process, so I just chose what she liked. I do sometimes think, “what if” I had gone shopping more and tried on more dresses, but not enough that it bothers me. You’re only a bride once! I say go shop some more, for fun (and for your mom!). Being engaged is an experience, so live it up!
i think you can give it a shot to make her happy, but don’t feel compelled to go AGAINST your own gut feel / preferences just to assuage her guilt.
it’ll be worse if your guilt then gets passed down, when your unfulfilled ‘dream dress’ vision is imposed upon your daughter. eeeeek
Believe me, guilt isn’t limited to a few cultures. I would definitely go shopping with your mom — have you thought about a reception dress? lol
I know how you feel. Two words: Jewish Guilt.
Mom dragged me to Kleinfelds. Although I didn’t have a dress, I didn’t want to deal with the hooplah. But, the stars must have alligned b/c I found “the one” & never ever would have expected it. The experience was fantastic & I was treated like a queen. So, what’s the worst that can happen…you can be a 2 dress bride?
Familiar with the Portuguese guilt here! My mom passed away 9 years ago, so I’m getting indirect guilt, imposed on myself and by other family. But, having lost my mom, I avoided dress shopping for quite a while. I brought grandma, but her memory isn’t quite the same, and kept asking if the dresses would “look like that at the wedding” as they all buckled across my Portuguese hips! So, I say go and give yourself and your mom the experience (but I might just be guilting you, I DID learn from the best…).
By the way, when I went to the Azores, I realized how deeply ingrained the second kitchen to keep the “good” kitchen clean thing is!
I soooo know what you mean. What cracks me up is that they always tell someone else they are sad/mad etc. and that person tells you. Shoot, this is your one chance to go around and play Cinderella and if it will make your mom happy, just go do it. Hopefully it will just confirm that much more how much you love the dress you already have.
P.S. I ended up with the dress I did because my mom and Vavó loved it so much and I was just getting frustrated with dress shopping. Since my wedding, I’ve regretted the dress I got. The good thing is that you already have a dress you love, but do be careful that you won’t be talked into something else just because they love it.
So many kinds of guilt, I get the Catholic brand. But I really just think it’s a universal trait of mothers. Watch out on this one, because once you go, it becomes I just pictured you wearing a Priscilla dress and so on.
i would go and just make sure you don’t buy another dress!
Portuguese it is. My mom is half Portuguese, and I am suffering on a daily basis from Portuguese guilt.
“This is Portuguese guilt. It is entwined very strongly with Portuguese Love (also see: Portuguese Food).” I know what you feel.
…and I am a people pleaser too.
<3
and I wish that I could afford a Priscilla of Boston dress.
Hhaha. That is totally me as well!!! I think it’s great though that if this is a moment that your mom has been dreaming of you have given her this chance. Cross that bridge (akaPriscillaofBostonemuyexpensivedress) when you get to it. =)
I think you should go to a bridal shop or two for the fun of it! It’ll be fun for you & your mom & you can try on any dress you want! You can try on dresses that you would never want or think would be fun to see what it looks like! It’ll be fun for you & your mom!
Oh my gosh……Yes……I have 1 month (from today!!!) til my wedding, and all I find myself worrying about is how my gramma is going to find parking downtown minneapolis…..how people are going to get from the ceremony to reception……My mom told me…Julie, worry about yourself….Everyone will figure it out. Good advice….but sorry! Didn’t work!
Haha! It can’t hurt, as long as you remember that impulse buying a second dress is a bad idea. Worst case scenario, you’ll find a dress you love and you’ll have a hard decision to make. Best case, your mom will be happy and you will now be 150% sure that your dress is THE Dress!
in this kind of situation, i am not a people pleaser. Your mom would have had a field day giving me sad eyes and guilt trips, but any chance to avoid all those extra and $$ decisions are completely ruled out for me. I hope you ended up with the dress you love, but didn’t spend more than your catering bill for it.
OMG my mom is the queen of GUILT! lol lol I know all of your pain ladies! I say go with her and make her happy.
Your dress is beautiful and I think you’ll find it hard to top at another boutique (but mainly because the ROTB experience is an awesome memory when you look back on it).
Guilty as you may feel, there comes a point where a bride must simply become selfish in order to make her dream come true. As brides we compromise a lot, sometimes for the most obscure reasons, I chalk it up to wedding madness.
But then again you may find another dress that your mom loves… problem is the ratio of beautiful gowns to brides getting married is ridiculous and there will always be another more beautiful than yours…
Perhaps that’s why some brides go for two… might be an option for you, wallet permitting 
Good Luck Ms P, I hope you make it through!
I, too, am a people-pleaser. Like Miss Moonbeam, I get Catholic Guilt, and I agree — I think it’s just a mom thing. Good luck with the dress. I think that if she brings it up again, then maybe go along with it, but just try to keep in mind how gorgeous your original dress is while at POB!
Yes, I am a people-pleaser, but I’ve learned to be more assertive as i’ve gotten older. I’ve also learned great negotiation skills and managed to get a 17% discount at POB for my dress! (LOVE POB!)
But seriously, I had serious dress anxiety until I found ‘the one’ and haven’t looked back, even after seeing so many bee’s beautiful choices. I wish you the same and good luck!
The first dress I bought, I bought b/c of the mom guilt, but then when that dress was discontinued, I ignored the Mom guilt the second time around and got the dress I wanted.
I’m all for standing up to people, but in this case I think you should appease your mom. It’ll mean so much to her, and if you really love your current dress, you won’t be persuaded into buying another. Good luck!
OH boy - I was once a MAJOR people pleaser. Then I learned my lesson - one too many compromises made and my happiness being squashed - and I’m less of a people pleaser now. And honestly, it’s the best thing for me.
That said - if you really don’t mind going to Priscilla of Boston and are confident in your dress choice, and it won’t compromise your happiness (that means time, money, etc) then why not check it out? It could be a fun tradition. I would talk to your mom first, though. I’m overly familiar with mom guilt when it comes to weddings and I’m just starting (also note - your sister could be cool and take your mom there, right?) and I know that sometimes you just have to put your foot down. Your dress is awesome - and you seemed so happy in it - why ruin that by the millions of possibilities that exist out there?
OH!
So, I just recently found myself in the exact same situation, except it was with two of my very good friends who only wanted to pamper me with the bridal glory at Bergdorf Goodman. I had reservations, but couldn’t say no since they really just wanted to make me feel special and bridal (I bought my dress alone at a sample sale), and because I too have Catholic guilt issues, so I went along with the plans. And fell head over heels in love with a dress I can never afford! I had no idea I had the capacity to love a dress so much. It was pretty heartbreaking, and we three ultimately agreed that it was probably not the best concevied plan.
So just be careful Miss P, and if you are having reservations about pricey decisions, maybe talk those feelings over with your Mom before you go.
At least you can just go to the store to make your mom happy, and keep the dress you all ready have :).
Oh man. I am totally not a people pleaser in any way, shape, or form. That being said, I think it’s really important you go with your mom to PoB. Who knows, you might find something you love even MORE! And then have mom pay the difference
I wish I had some words of wisdom, but from what i can tell, Italian Mom Guilt (something I am very familiar with) is much the same as Portuguese Mom Guilt. I’m kind of a pleaser too, so if faced with your situation, I’d probably go, just to make my mom happy.
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Ms. Potato Chips, Boston/Narragansett RI
Age and Occupation: 29, PhD Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Personal Trainer/Business Owner/Physical Therapy Assistant
Engagement Date: January 1, 2009
Wedding Date: June 2010
Venue: The Narragansett Towers
About Me: A semi-professional bookworm, if I could be a literary character I’d be a cross between Jo March and Jane Eyre, only better accessorized and much lazier. My hobbies include sleeping in, seasonal brews, running, Trader Joe’s, and watching Unwrapped and Good Eats with Mr. Potato Chips. I harbor an irrational fear of tulle, crafts, things that are fussy, and overuse of the phrase "Your Special Day". After a year or seven together, down the aisle we go, slouching toward adulthood and planning a Rhodie party with equal parts whimsy, cheer, and pizza.
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