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Ms. Potato Chips, Boston/Narragansett RI Age and Occupation: 29, PhD Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Personal Trainer/Business Owner/Physical Therapy Assistant Engagement Date: January 1, 2009 Wedding Date: June 2010 Venue: The Narragansett Towers About Me: A semi-professional bookworm, if I could be a literary character I’d be a cross between Jo March and Jane Eyre, only better accessorized and much lazier. My hobbies include sleeping in, seasonal brews, running, Trader Joe’s, and watching Unwrapped and Good Eats with Mr. Potato Chips. I harbor an irrational fear of tulle, crafts, things that are fussy, and overuse of the phrase "Your Special Day". After a year or seven together, down the aisle we go, slouching toward adulthood and planning a Rhodie party with equal parts whimsy, cheer, and pizza.
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Change of A-dress?

October 13th, 2009 @ 5:40 pm by Ms Potato Chips

I was on the phone with SistahChips and she spoke carefully: “Mom told me that she really loves your dress—really does—but mentioned how she always pictured taking you to a bridal salon like Priscilla of Boston.” And then the bomb. “She was sad.”

Me: Sigh.

This is Portuguese guilt. It is entwined very strongly with Portuguese Love (also see: Portuguese Food). I didn’t quite understand it until we visited the Azores last June. At the airport, in line for customs, we watched a Portuguese mother holler at her son for running off without telling her. Both were sobbing and shaking and apologizing and blaming. My sister and I turned to each other with raised eyebrows: our childhoods suddenly made a lot more sense.

It’s a hard thing to explain and I’m probably not doing a very good job at it. But it’s innate, it’s in our bones. A strong sense of guilt and a ridiculous need to please others is passed down from one generation to the next.

Against my better judgment, I think I’ll acquiesce, make the appointment at Priscilla of Boston, and give my mom the moment she’s apparently dreamed of.

Best case scenario: It is confirmed that my dress is the awesomest, no harm, no foul. Worst case: I find something else I like and have to make a (pricey) decision.

This is a bad idea, right? What would you do? Are you a people-pleaser as well? Is there a twelve-step program I can go to for this?

Tags: wedding-dress |
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45 Responses to “Change of A-dress?”

1 2 3 

1.
tea
Member
tea (message)  7,278 posts, Busy Beekeeper

i think this would be something i’d concede to my mom. i don’t really see the innate harm. like you said, maybe it’ll reinforce your original choice!

 
2.
Guest Icon
Guest
Meghan

Dude. As an extreme sufferer of Irish guilt, I feel your pain. But I would only do the pity-visit if you are 100% sure that she won’t guilt you into buying something there. Maybe 110%?

But if you’re sure she’s ok with just VISITING the salon, and seeing you all prettified, then it’d probably be fun.

 
3.
AnamCara
Member
AnamCara (message)  1,135 posts, Bumble bee

I think I’d see this as a fun chance to dress up in beautiful gowns and make your mom happy all at the same time! Win/Win! I was there and it’s a beautiful bridal salon (no way it is a ’shop’ or ’store’ - it’s gorgeous!)
EVERYTHING was totally out of my price range but it was a fun experience anyway!
Enjoy it!

 
4.
Guest Icon
Guest
Kara

I had a similar CatholicItalianGuilt(c) related situation with my mom during dress shopping. At the end of the day, I felt like I owed her a moment. We ended up both liking a dress I knew I would be happy wearing. But - it wasn’t the easiest experience.

Two side notes: So awesome you’ve been to the Azores, I’ve been dying to go there since seeing the islands on Anthony Bourdain’s show. Secondly, I love your posts… they make me happy that I’ve kept reading Weddingbee months after I got married.

 
5.
Bee Icon
Bee
Miss Sunbeam (message)  545 posts, Busy bee

If you really loved the dress you have you’ll be ok - I went and tried on dresses with my mom mostly for her since I would be going back to CA to try on dresses on my own. I had a dress I loved in the back of my mind and wasn’t swayed even with my mom swooning over things. Of course it’s more dangerous in your case that you will be trying on more expensive dresses! Just keep in mind you chose yours for a reason (and saved a bundle)! Good luck!

 
6.
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Bee
Miss Spaniel (message)  6,809 posts, Busy Beekeeper

Aha, so I see there is more to this story…

 
7.
Bee Icon
Bee
Miss Scissors (message)  7,343 posts, Busy Beekeeper

I’m a total people pleaser. I haven’t ever dealt with Portuguese Guilt, but I have dealt with the Southern-WASP Martyrs. Lawd, we some whiny and passive-aggressive folks down heeyuh.

 
8.
daniela.borrego
Member
daniela.borrego (message)  336 posts, Helper bee

I´m with you on the Portuguese Guilt! I guess I do try to please my mom and her entire family, but if I give it a try and it is not enough, I am over it!

 
9.
elfe515
Member
elfe515 (message)  45 posts, Newbee

I would definitely go to Priscillas with your mom. How bad can it be?

I am a terrible people pleaser. I chose my dress during the ONLY shopping trip that included my mom, twin sister, and FMIL… intense pressure to please! I found a dress that I loved that made my FMIL cry, and made my mom yell at me to “just make a decision already.” Tough love + pressure to perform = dress was purchased!

 
10.
Member Icon
Member
CienDragon (message)  124 posts, Blushing bee

I’d suggest that you should go to the salon to please your mother, but I don’t know how qualified my opinion is since I also need to be signed up for your 12-step people pleasing program. ^_^

 
11.
texasmeredith
Member
texasmeredith (message)  2,130 posts, Buzzing bee

I’m a huge people pleaser too, so I can relate to your dilemma. I think you should go to POB with your Mom. It will probably just reinforce your original dress is THE ONE.

I’m actually afraid I picked my dress because it made my Mom cry. Don’t get me wrong - its a beautiful dress, but I’m not sure its THE ONE. So, I’m going dress shopping again (with out my Mom) and trying on more dresses and then trying on the dress that made my Mom cry. I’m hoping I’ll know one way or the other.

 
12.
SweetSavannah
Member
SweetSavannah (message)  178 posts, Blushing bee

Oh Dear… You should go and let her see you being treated like her darling princess! What mother doesn’t like seeing her child shine? She will have a fabulous experience, and you will see that ‘your’ dress is THE one! I tried on about 30 dresses… seriously 30… to keep my mom happy… and you know what? I still went back to the first dress I tried on and fell in love with! (even though it wasn’t her first choice) She also wants you to be happy… don’t forget that… she wants your wedding experience to be amazing :) Have a bellini and go try on some dresses! :)

 
13.
jmc
Member
jmc (message)  882 posts, Busy bee

I am only enough of a people-pleaser to feel guilty about the fact that I rarely care about pleasing people.

No matter what your nationality though, everyone understands MOM GUILT. :)

 
14.
Guest Icon
Guest
Miss bliss

I love the dress you picked, but I love Priscilla’s gowns too. One of my best friends missed out on the bridal shop experiences by going to bridal walmart… so I think you should go… because maybe you’ll be a two gown bride!… and just maybe you’ll have a day that your mom has dreamed of giving you!

 
15.
marylizbeth
Member
marylizbeth (message)  180 posts, Blushing bee

@Kara: I agree Italy and Portugal must be close for a reason- what can you do? I would probably give in too- i took my mother with me to Kleinfield’s just to “look” and walked out with a dress. My mother had alot of opinions but in my case
a. they were good ones
b. i agreed with most.

in the end you can’t please everyone, but if you have to please one family member i would go with mom

 
16.
Member Icon
Member
jhguba (message)  242 posts, Helper bee

Guilt and people-pleasing are not left to the Portuguese alone! : ) I think all of us go through those emotions. I think the dress shopping at Priscillas will be a great experience, and really, if that’s your mom’s dream - how easy is that to give!?!

 
17.
Bee Icon
Bee
Ms Potato Chips (message)  1,193 posts, Bumble bee

Thanks for the support everyone! I’m waiting for my mom to bring it up again, so we’ll see! I’m sorry many of you are also victims of The Guilt. It really creeps up on ya, doesn’t it??

 
18.
Bee Icon
Bee
Miss Scissors (message)  7,343 posts, Busy Beekeeper

@jmc: AMEN! lol. There’s also Daddy Guilt too, in my land.

 
19.
Mrs. Penguin
Bee
Mrs. Penguin (message)  3,530 posts, Sugar bee

I totally picked my dress cause my mom told me to. My mom and I have very similar tastes, and I was pretty horrified by the whole choosing a dress process, so I just chose what she liked. I do sometimes think, “what if” I had gone shopping more and tried on more dresses, but not enough that it bothers me. You’re only a bride once! I say go shop some more, for fun (and for your mom!). Being engaged is an experience, so live it up! :)

 
20.
mrspaetz
Member
mrspaetz (message)  3,805 posts, Honey bee

i think you can give it a shot to make her happy, but don’t feel compelled to go AGAINST your own gut feel / preferences just to assuage her guilt.

it’ll be worse if your guilt then gets passed down, when your unfulfilled ‘dream dress’ vision is imposed upon your daughter. eeeeek

 
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Ms Potato Chips
Ms Potato Chips

Ms. Potato Chips, Boston/Narragansett RI Age and Occupation: 29, PhD Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Personal Trainer/Business Owner/Physical Therapy Assistant Engagement Date: January 1, 2009 Wedding Date: June 2010 Venue: The Narragansett Towers About Me: A semi-professional bookworm, if I could be a literary character I’d be a cross between Jo March and Jane Eyre, only better accessorized and much lazier. My hobbies include sleeping in, seasonal brews, running, Trader Joe’s, and watching Unwrapped and Good Eats with Mr. Potato Chips. I harbor an irrational fear of tulle, crafts, things that are fussy, and overuse of the phrase "Your Special Day". After a year or seven together, down the aisle we go, slouching toward adulthood and planning a Rhodie party with equal parts whimsy, cheer, and pizza.

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