Wedding Blog
Driving into work this morning, I caught two of the morning talk anchors discussing a friend of the female anchor. Evidently the female anchor (we’ll call her Lois) has a friend (we’ll call her Debbie). Lois and Debbie were at a wedding this weekend, talking and gossiping and the like. Debbie has been seeing the same guy for the past 6 months (we’ll call the guy Ted), and everything, according to Debbie, is going great. So great, in fact, that she gushes to Lois about how she’s already picked out, ordered, and has sitting in her apartment the wedding dress that she wants to wear when she marries Ted.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: maybe they’re already engaged? Or, maybe they’ve already been ring shopping? Maybe there’s a specific reason (i.e., armed forces deployment)? Um, nope, none of the above. Debbie has completely preempted any sort of proposal by Ted. Debbie claims that they’ve talked about getting married, but it’s been noncommittal, and nothing has been set in stone. There’s no date. No talk of an engagement ring (other than the one that Debbie has already picked out, and hasn’t yet told Ted about). No talk of even getting engaged.
I figured I would throw this out there as a bit of conversation fodder. What do you think of “Debbie’s” situation? Do you find it completely ridiculous (and perhaps a little bit bad luck) that she’s purchased her wedding gown to a guy she’s not even engaged to?
Personally… I think that she’s putting the cart before the horse. I know that when Mr. French Fries and I were talking about getting engaged (and actually acting on it, by going ring shopping and him talking to my parents and the like) I read wedding sites and surfed Weddingbee. But it was all just for fun and for potential ideas — I wasn’t picking out and ordering my wedding dress before I even had a ring on my finger. I guess to me it seems like she’s cheapening the experience for herself, and should wait and enjoy the moments as they come. First, the excitement of the engagement, then going and picking out the perfect dress (and sometimes, the trials and tribulations that ensue!).
What do you think? Should Debbie slow down, pump the brakes, and live in the moment? Or, do you think that she’s doing the right thing by going after what she wants, regardless?
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Hmm, interesting post. I do agree that maybe she would enjoy the process more if she waited until Ted proposes to her. But maybe she’s a nontraditional kind of gal? Maybe she doesn’t want to wait around for Ted to make the first move. Maybe she’s planning on proposing to him? I don’t know. The whole problem I had with the proposal thing in the first place is that it didn’t seem to fit in with the structure of me and the Dude’s relationship. We’re a team; we’re partners; we make all of our decisions together. It bothered me to have to leave something up to him in that way–I didn’t like feeling out of control while I was waiting for a ring. Hmm, maybe I am totally off base here and Debbie is just a crazy, wedding-obsessed gal. Anyway, thanks for sharing!
I think Debbie shouldn’t be getting ahead of herself! She will only be setting herself up for disappointment if her and Ted happen to break up. And she wouldn’t be able to keep the dress if they break up, because of the emotions surrounding it.
She is definitely putting the cart before the horse. You should cross “bridges” when you get there, not before.
That could go horribly, horribly wrong for Debbie. What if Ted found it and freaked out? He might be the right one, but he might not be around long enough to find out if he sees a wedding dress lurking in her closet!
I think it’s different for everyone. We were together for almost 6 years before we got engaged, and I’ve known where we would get married at for a long time. On that same note, I’m still young (only 24). I can understand that if you’re a little older you’re probably not going to wait around for years before you decide if the relationship is altar bound. Already buying a dress is a little odd, I mean, how do you have the conversation with the consultant when she asks you how he proposed or when the date is…
@Mrs. Mouse: Interesting and good point, Mrs. Mouse! I don’t know for sure if she’s planning on proposing to him, but the way the DJs were talking, it sounded like she was keeping her fingers crossed that he would propose.
Funny you brought this up because just yesterday my FI sent me this youtube video of a girl pushing a proposal and already had the ring picked out.
“talking about getting engaged (and actually acting on it, by going ring shopping and him talking to my parents and the like) I read wedding sites and surfed Weddingbee.” - I was in the same boat, my friends joked that we were planning a wedding without being engaged but I was always quick to respond that I was “just checking things out” and that I hadn’t bought a thing! I think that not only is she loosing part of the experience (which, I agree with Mrs. Mouse - its not for everyone) but I think that its putting the cart a county ahead of the horse! Trying on dresses is one thing, but ordering it is a little crazy!
Thanks for the post French Fries, I love these type of stories. They put a lot of this wedding planning in perspective 
Debbie needs to take the Christmas challenge like the ladies in waiting over on the boards!
For me, reading all these posts, looking at all the wedding information there is on the web, doesn’t mean anything until my man is with me on it…and I’m only here because we’ve made it clear to each other we plan on being in this relationship for life.
So yes. I think she’s getting ahead of herself.
@gator me too! I didn’t have a clue about anything wedding related and it freaked me out. So I threw myself into research so i would be prepared when he proposed. My fiance would gently remind me to stay with him and not to run ahead and I am so happy that he did.
I think it is very important to respect your SO’s feelings, desires, and fears. She may have connected all the dots and decided they are going to get married, but it really takes 2 people to come to that place and make it happen. If she is off running ahead she isn’t “with him” where he is at and quite frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t ever get to that place. If he needs more time, he needs more time. It might be frustrating, but running ahead of him and picking out the wedding dress is really damaging the relationship. Just my opinion.
I think that she’s getting WAY ahead of herself. I like Ms. Mouse’s perspective, but this isn’t a decision they both made: Debbie is planning her wedding to Ted, who hasn’t even seriously indicated that he wants to marry Debbie. I do think there needs to be a meeting of the minds before someone does something like buy a wedding dress, otherwise it really does look like she’s just waiting to fill in the groom in her own one-sided relationship.
I think she a little bit crazy. She didn’t just buy it for a future wedding to unnamed groom, she bought it for a wedding with a guy she has been dating for 6 months that hasn’t expressed any clear plans for a future together. She’s gotten a little too far.
I’m thinking that I hope Ted wasn’t listening to that show and realised who they were talking about!
I think Debbie is too far ahead of herself too. It also seems a bit selfish; what if she’s picked out a deluxe ballgown, and Ted had his heart set on a casual beach wedding? She’s already made that decision for them, and the poor guy hasn’t even proposed yet! (Assuming he even plans to). And I agree that she’s spoiling the experience for herself somewhat. Like many of you, I played around on the internet and searched for venues and looked at dresses before I was engaged, but it was all just for “one day when”. I would never have considered even going to view a venue or trying on a dress!
I think she’s kinda crazy. At 6 months my fiance and I were talking about getting married already (we’d been friends for 8 years), but he didn’t propose until almost our 4 year anniversary. For a few years I looked at wedding stuff and honestly, my tastes have changed over the last 4 years. If I had gone out and bought a dress at 6 months, I probably wouldn’t even like it by now.
Also most men don’t like feeling pressured like that. Like someone else said, even if he’s happy now he might change his tune once he finds out she has a dress already!
What if they get married but not for two years? I can’t tell you how much my taste in dresses changed over the course of our engagement and how much I second guessed my choice once all the other details of the day started coming together. I personally think this behaviour can be a dangerous trap of expectations, but it depends on the person.
Its great that she knows what she wants! I am a big fan of knowning what you want. I, myself, am not officially engagged but my boyfriend and I do have our plans laid out already.
She is forgetting that being engaged and marreid requires the other person to be a part of the plans. Even though I know my bf is paying on a ring I still can not bring myself to try on a dress, nevertheless purchase one (even though I have been tempted). I say she should slow down and enjoy the moment as it comes.
I agree with you! I even felt guity browsing WeddingBee before getting engaged (I only knew about it cause an engaged friend introduced me to it!)
She will be terribly disappointed if the boyfriend is not on board. And what will she do… save the dress for the next guy? Is that like reusing an engagement ring…? o_O
While I have the same opinion as many of you (DEFINITELY “Debbie” has jumped the gun, in a way that may have horrific results), I’m going to play devil’s advocate.
What if Debbie got a GREAT deal on her dream dress? Please raise your hand if you already had an idea, including some descriptive adjectives or particular details, of the dress you will wear on your wedding day…would you say this is jumping the gun? I don’t think so…Debbie might just know exactly what she wants. Plus, with Pre-OwnedWeddingDresses.com , Ebay, & even WeddingBee, Debbie can rather easily sell this dress if, in two years, Ted finally proposes & her tastes have changed or he wants a casual beach wedding.
I think it’s tough to accuse Debbie of craziness, especially if we don’t know her. I know all of you only from the boards, but I wouldn’t pass judgment on the sanity of all us women who researched venues or dresses or reception ideas without our present or soon to be fiances’ opinions - it’s his wedding, too, & he may have a strong opinion on any one of those things mentioned above. Like, Mrs. Mouse, Knit, & Carebear stated or implied, these are decisions that should fully include both members of the relationship…but all of us lovely ladies who are on the boards without the proposal are only a credit card receipt away from Debbie, aren’t we?
Just wanted to put that side of the argument out there…thanks, Miss French Fries! I love your speculative stories.
Well, we don’t actually know if she’s pressuring her guy or not. He may know nothing of this and might never find out. The actual act of purchasing the dress doesn’t hurt anyone so I think it’s important to remember she’s not hurting anyone. Maybe it was a great deal she couldn’t pass up.
I do think it’s sad when a one person has their heart set on a marriage that doesn’t work out but it does happen, a lot even. If/When that happens it’s going to hurt regardless.
Also, nothing is ever set in stone. If she thinks their talking about marriage means they’re getting married soon maybe as the person who has actually had these conversation she knows what she’s talking about.
I don’t know why I’m defending this stranger, maybe because I think women are labeled as crazy too often by society.
she bought a dress? and i felt weird looking at dresses sans ring!
Totally depends… was the dress purchased specifically for a wedding with Ted? Or just because she planned on marrying someday, and she knew she’d never find a more perfect dress? I think that makes the difference between her being prepared, and a creeper!
setting herself up for disappointment?
you know, i read a report once about single women who attend wedding shows and plan their dream weddings, discuss in wedding forums etc. They’re just obsessed with getting married.
eeeeeeeeek.
Yeah … I think that’s taking it a little too far. I don’t really understand that, to be honest. We’re engaged (sans ring … but looking at them) and I haven’t even bought a dress yet. Have I looked at a few? Sure. But that’s just a little ridic to me!
I’m in the camp where I looked at wedding stuff online but didn’t commit- no Weddingbee or The Knot accounts, no websites, NOTHING purchased- until we were engaged. Even when I knew he bought the ring I waited for the proposal. But I had a roommate 3 years ago who was on The Knot just because she liked wedding stuff- I mean signed up and everything. I loved looking at wedding stuff and hated that some parts were for “members only” but felt it was jinxing it. And hey- it worked for me… and ex-roomie is STILL not engaged…
I don’t like the feel of this. I think that’s definitely a little cart before the horse. 
Hmmmm depends on if the dress was a really really good deal! But with that being said I personally would not have done it until I had a sparkly firmly sitting on my bare left ring finger… I agree with Minutaie, she needs to take the Christmas Challenge!!
well, it’s certainly not what i would do BUT it’s her prerogative. if she loves the dress and the man, why not?
Looks like I am the minority. I have never been the kind of girl to dream about my wedding. Until I met my partner and he brought up the idea early in our relationship. It was clear how compatible we were through good times and bad, particularly when he lost his job in the gfc. We had been together 6 months when I walked into a department rtore and saw the most beautiful, elegant and ME wedding dress I have ever seen. After trying it on and coveting it for weeks, I told the boy how I felt about this dress. He was amused but thought I was ‘cute’. I went back with his blessing and my deposit. After stalking weddingbee boards and websites I have never seen a dress that measures up to it. 8 months late the boy is dropping ring hints. And I don’t regret my choice. Nor am I a creeper.
She sounds like Muriel from the Australian movie Muriel’s Wedding! That character liked going to bridal stores and trying on dresses because of the attention she got from the sales staff.
I feel the same way you do, totally jumping the gun here. And cheapening the experience for herself. I bet if Ted found this out he’d run the other way…
Miss FF–this thread caused me to toss and turn a bit last night. I had a dream that I went dress shopping at the Kleinfeld sample sale. In my dream, like in real life, I wasn’t engaged (don’t know why I wouldn’t just dream that I was…) but I went anyway. I found my “dream dress” for $400, and I didn’t buy it.
I would also like to mention that apparently my “dream dress” was a one shoulder, long multicolored tie-dyed gown, in stretchy cotton jersey fabric. With a corset in it. Oy.
Interesting! I like Mouse’s thoughts: maybe she’ll propose to him? Maybe there’s part of the story we don’t know? I guess it’s good to be prepared and hopefully she won’t end up disappointed! Certainly, revealing this on air opens the floodgates for a boat-load of criticism!
I bought my dress before I was engaged. It was a gorgeous 1950s vintage gown that I stumbled upon and fell in love with. I wasn’t necessarily planning on marrying the guy I was with (we had only been dating about a month), but I knew I wanted that dress. So I bought it! Helps that it was only $50.
Turns out I am marrying that guy, and I will be wearing that dress in June!
No, I think it’s perfectly fine! My Aunt in fact did this, and had a dress way before she met my Uncle. I thought it was so sweet that she was so excited about the IDEA of getting married one day that she found a dress she loved and went for it!
I don’t understand why women are so critical of other women.
I actually knew a girl that did the exact same thing! I thought it was pretty strange.
craziness
though I kinda wish I bought my dress before I was engaged, because then I would have it by now and it would be here instead of being late and making me freak out
I wouldn’t even *touch* wedding magazines before I was engaged, I was so superstitious. I think it’s bad luck and bad form — what if Ted finds the dress and (justifiably) freaks out and bolts?
Reminds me of that episode of the Fresh Prince where Hillary gets engaged and about three minutes later comes down the stairs in a dress she’s had picked out since they started dating. Yikes!
IMHO unless its your absolute dream dress and it’s on ridiculous sale, or they’ve stopped making it, and this is your only chance to get it; its putting the cart before the horse. I don’t know if “cheapening it” is the phrase I’m looking for, but there is something special in sharing every bit of the wedding experience with that special person. I think that if you’re conscious to keep something from someone, then in your heart you know it’s wrong.
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Miss French Fries, Milwaukee
Age and Occupation: 27, Paralegal
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 35, Investments Advisor
Engagement Date: September 20, 2008
Wedding Date: June 2010
Venue: Ceremony: Catholic Church, Reception: Hotel Ballroom
About Me: I'm a Midwestern girl who longs to live in a warmer climate (my feet would be happy in flip flops any day!). I love travel, impromptu napping, grilled cheese sandwiches, my iPhone, singing with reckless abandon in my car, and Mr. French Fries.
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