Wedding Blog
There was no putting off the day that advanced—the bridal day; and all preparations for its arrival were complete. I at least, had nothing more to do: there were my trunks, packed, locked, corded, ranged in a row along the wall of my little chamber: to-morrow, at this time, they would be far on their road to London: and so should I (God willing),—or rather, not I, but one Jane Rochester, a person whom as yet I knew not… Mrs. Rochester! She did not exist: she would not be born till to-morrow, some time after eight o’clock a.m.; and I would wait to be assured she had come into the world alive before I assigned to her all that property.
-Chapter XXV, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Put another way:
They call me quiet girl
But I’m a riot yeah
Maybe Joleisa
Always the same.
That’s not my name.
That’s not my name.
That’s not my name.
That’s not my name.
-The Ting Tings, “That’s Not My Name”
True, Jane (spoiler alert!) would eventually become Mrs. Rochester. And true, The Ting Tings were likely not singing about the confusion and societal expectations surrounding the patriarchal tradition of name changes. But both passages stir me (okay one stirs, the other I bop my head to).
I love my name.
God, I love my name. In my notebooks, as a child, I did not practice signatures like “Mrs. Kirk Cameron” or “Potato Cameron” (ha!). I did not match my first name with my current crush’s last to see how they’d look together. Doing so, even in my head or spoken teasingly by friends, gave me no strange thrill, no rush of emotion, no flutter of the heart. Instead, my name matched with another always fell dead with a thud to the floor.
Instead, I practiced my name, my signature, over and over. I still do. (Narcissistic much?)
So it was no great surprise to anyone when I said I would be keeping my name. There was no confusion on my part, no internal debate or struggle. It simply is. My name paired with Potato Head’s last is a stranger, someone I have never met, someone, as Jane said, not yet born.
Luckily, this choice is becoming more and more common, right? I haven’t met any nay-sayers. No “but what about your future children?” or “But wouldn’t a shared last name make you feel more unified?” I have heard some “What does Potato Head think about this?” and I smile because of course, he doesn’t mind. I don’t think I could marry a man who would stake a claim over my own name, who would insist or be upset or insulted. Just like I’m not insulted that he wants to keep his name.
Destined to be un-monogrammable?
I’m happy and lucky to have this choice. No, we’ll never have a mailbox that says “The Joneses”. We won’t have a “team name”. We’re okay with this. (Incidentally, my mom has told me that women in “the old country”—Azores, Portugal—kept their names when they married. So really, I am being very traditional!)
Or! Maybe we can still have a team name: The Awesomes.
And a mailbox to match.
What choice did you make? What choice did your significant other make? Keep? Change? Combine? Hyphen? Something else?
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Share this post: That’s Not My Name
We have a team name, even though I kept my name (which is hyphenated). I never, ever thought of changing my name, and neither did my husband. So our team name is a ridiculous mash-up of our names, which our friends often call us and address Christmas cards etc. It’s ridiculous and cheeky, but it’s fun to have a team name that reflects us both.
Team Awesome is great! I am going to change my name, but I never felt any pressure to do it. It will be our name and that is so exciting to me. But I think it’s great that you are making the choice that is best for you & Mr. Chips!
Yay! I kept my name, too. Not that I think it’s for everyone, but I like that there are choices now. Weirdly, after the wedding, I occasionally get a little sad that I didn’t take his name, and no I have no idea why! But that doesn’t stop me from getting annoyed when I get something addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Dude,” haha.
Hi, I am currently planning my wedding and am considering a place I found online; my wife spent much of her youth on the West Coast of Scotland and this looks perfect.
Before I head up there; has anybody been to a wedding there?
Thanks for any advice, J
Reading your note today made me smile, because oddly enough several of my lifelong friends have switched last names… the last names are familiar names of other old friends…but now the new married name So Miss Nelson is Mrs. Hunter and Miss Hunter is Mrs. Smilth and Miss Smith is Mrs. Nelson! They didn’t all marry neighborhood friends or high school classmates… so it’s just an odd quirk! But I get most irritated with the one hubby who is annoyed by his wife’s friends continuing to use her maiden name! My mother and grandmother and aunts use both names… one for old friends who knew them well before they married and the other for post marriage friends. My grandma was a set of sisters… no brothers among them… so our family reunion was titled and nicknamed based on that maiden name… and I consider all their children, grandchildren, and great-grands… cousins by both their grandmothers married names… as in they belong to that branch of the maiden name clan! My family believes that you never completely give up your maiden name… so I get it even if I might join a new team… it will be an addition to my old team;)
We will actually become the Joneses in May. I am still not sure that I like that…
I kept my last name and my ex-hubby never approved. Even during the divorce he would always say I never loved him and I proved that when I refused to take his name. SMH. If your hubby is fine with it, I say go forward. Unfortunately in my marriage, it was a huge problem for the ex to deal with. He couldn’t handle it and I really didn’t see how it was such a big deal until after we were married. Maybe because before we were married he was okay with me keeping my name. It wasn’t until a month after we bacome husband and wife did he say I thought I should change my name. So, to all not changing their names, just make sure your future-hubby is really on board.
I will be happy to no longer have a generic, bland last name that many people associate with male genitalia. So, I am gladly adopting my fiancé’s chic, short, designer-y last name.
On top of that most parties on my side of the family are divorced MANY times over, so my current last name belongs to someone (my step grandfather) that I’m not even related to.
I wish I had the deep roots that would attach me to my name, but I don’t.
I big puffy heart you. I didn’t change either, didn’t ever intend on it, and told the Mr. that I’d only change if he also changed in an equivalent fashion. So, since he didn’t want to do that, I’m still MS. HL and I’m thrilled about that! Not that I don’t love him…I absolutely do, with all my heart…but I’ve never considered sharing a name all that important. It’s completely superficial to me, and the love, affection, and respect underneath the silliness of naming conventions is what really counts.
I decided to change my name. I am attached to my name, but there are several boys in the family still to carry it on. I am going to go by first name, maiden name, last name. I don’t feel like I am losing myself by changing it. I do plan on using my current last name somehow when I name my first boy (if I have a boy) However, I do not see anything wrong with keeping your own name. I have a friend who is very adamant about keeping her last name because she has no brothers.
Ms. Potato Chips, you’ve quickly become my favorite bee! I’m also keeping my name. Before I entered graduate school, I flirted with the idea of hyphenating. Now, several years later, the hyphenated last name seems like a professional liability — esp. regarding publishing. Outside of academia, most people I know are opting to change their names. I think it’s fantastic that we have the option. Thanks, Second Wave Feminism!
SO love the Jane Eyre reference. I’ve already decided my Facebook status update after we offically tie the knot will be:
“Reader, I married him.”
Oh, and keeping my name too.
These kind of posts drive me nuts because you Bees will say all sorts of provocative things about your names, but then you can’t tell us what it is! I am dying to know what name you love!
We have a team name. It’s the beginning of his name and the end of mine. Go team!
<3 Jane Eyre
I am proud when I hear of women keeping their own names. I’m taking my fiance’s, but I hate that some women (esp in the South) get shamed or looked down upon if they keep their names. Like, seriously, wtf dude.
I love this post! We are both keeping our names, and adding each others, non-hyphenated. Which means if I’m Miss Sequoia and he’s Mr. Redwood, we’ll legally be the Sequoia Redwoods or the Redwood Sequoias. The name will also be given to any children we have, and they can do as they like. Professionally, we’ll simply go by our own names only. This took a bunch of talking but it will hopefully stick and be good with our very different families!
I worked with a girl that kept her name, which her FH was totally on board with. Our boss however one day said to her, “Your man cool with that?” She did not appreciate the question and negative context in which he put it.
I am still very on the fence about which way I’ll go…but I agree with fiftyfootbride and am proud when I hear women keeping their own names.
It’s always been an automatic for me to legally change my name. And I’m ok with it. The funny thing is I’ve spent my whole life playing an odd name game and I know it will continue.
I have a beautiful family inspired birth name that I love! I love to sign it, I love telling people the history of it, and as a professional artist, I love seeing it on my work. And that will always continue. The FH and I agree that professionally, I will always have my birth name.
However, from infancy I was given a trendy (also familial) nickname and EVERYONE in my personal life uses it.
I like the name itself but feel it sounds god awful w/ my maiden lastname and literally cringe whenever someone addresses me as nickname + maiden lastname. Fortunately my nickname sounds incredibly cute and perfect w/ my FH’s lastname where as by real name doesn’t.
So I will legally be Birthname + FH lastname, Professionally be Birthname + Maiden Name, and personally be Nickname + FH lastname.
Quirky? yes. Identity Crisis? likely imminent. But it works for us 
Mr. Professor and I discussed this on the first date. Not in relation to us, but in reference to Hillary Rodham/Hillary Rodham Clinton/Hillary Clinton. (We’re political science PhDs.) I’ve known since I was 9 that I would never change my name. I have no middle name. Nor did my mom or her mom. They moved their maiden names to that spot. I’m just gonna stay Professor X. Many of my friends attribute it to already being published under my “maiden” name or because I teach classes about women’s legal rights, but honestly I’ve known since I was 9. One day I said, “Why would I change my name? I’m already me and my name is…” I believe every woman should determine for herself what she wants to do in this situation. It just happens I determined what I would do a really long time ago and have never wavered.
I’m changing my last name. I’m going from a very common last name to Simpson (aka another common last name). People keep making ‘The Simpsons’ jokes. Even my mom said last weekend, “you know, if you ever really wanted to name your daughter Lisa, now you can’t”. Then laughed really hard. Oh mom.
I think the name changing issue is super personal, so I’m glad that you found a solution that worked for you. I chose to change it for basically one reason (I had my dad’s last name and have no relationship with him, so I wasn’t too sentimental about it), but I know everyone makes the best choice for herself.
I appreciated that there are other people who do not see this as a dilemma. It’s not a thing. It’s just what it is and how you think. I also practiced my own name as well.
I have a set of friends who are married who write a blog as “Mr. & Mrs. Awesome” and that is “their name”. I liked the concept so much that I came up with our own mashup last name that the FI and I use as our wedding website URL and our return address when we write thank you notes, etc. It’s nice to have a “unified” last name sometimes, just for simplicity’s sake. I’m totally getting us a customized doormat with our mashup name when we get married (people in the city don’t have mailboxes.)
If you’re Mr and Mrs Awesome, you could name you kids Totally and Frickin’. Just sayin’. 
“I have heard some “What does Potato Head think about this?” and I smile because of course, he doesn’t mind. I don’t think I could marry a man who would stake a claim over my own name, who would insist or be upset or insulted. Just like I’m not insulted that he wants to keep his name.”
<3
PChips is like the new Tina Fey, but in realnotcelebrity-life. Just saying.
About the name thing, I’m not sure yet. My name has been a part of me since I was a fetus!! I may have two last names, without a hyphen. Adding my fiances still has a ring, but the kind of ring that speaks of cooking and craft t.v. shows or stage names. Plus I don’t want to lose my original awesome CEO initials! But I wouldn’t feel right not sharing the same name…
I have my mom’s maiden name as my first middle name and my maiden name as my second middle name, then my husband’s last name I took as my new last name. All together if you read my name it’s Linda and 3 very Portuguese names following that, lol.
Do you have a very Portuguese name and/or last name PChips?
I’m not changing my surnames (I have two, which is how it’s done in Puerto Rico, where I’m from). I really don’t see the need to. I already have a perfectly fine name that has served me well for 28 years, why would I want to change it to someone else’s name? Where I’m from women don’t change their names when they get married either, so this tradition in the US has always seemed a bit weird to me, but hey to each their own.
Go you! I’ve kept my name and my husband has kept his. We’re married, questions?
Seriously, it is insulting when people ask, “Is your FI/husband okay with that?” Some of us have marriages in which we discuss decisions as equals and make joint decisions… Sheesh.
I always knew I would change my name but I am in an interesting situation. I am Mexican and my fiance is Vietnamese. I teach at a school that has mostly Spanish speaking families and our second largest population is Vietnamese. I think it’ll be interesting to see parents’ reactions since they’ll be expecting a Vietnamese teacher only to see that I am not Vietnamese at all.
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I changed my name but I had a lot of issues with it (still do as it’s only been two months). I do like having a shared “team” name and we bump fists often and shout the team name…go team, which is fun. I like that my future children will have the same name as me. However, it’s still an adjustment. I still felt like I lost a little part of myself and still not sure I made the right decision. I did come up with questions and resistance when I thought about keeping my own. One tiny thing that helped was when I legally changed my name, I made it first name, middle name maiden name, last name. So, now I legally have two middle names. This is a small thing but it made me feel like I wasn’t losing anything just gaining and extra name.
haha, we discussed being Team Awesome too! 
We are STILL having this debate…almost 2 months after the wedding!
@edb: If we mashed our names together we actually get something that sounds vaguely dirty.
@sf_carrie: I love that! That’d be a cute newlywed blog title; you should snatch that up!
@Lillindy: I actually don’t! My mom is the one from Portugal and has a very common Portuguese last name. So common that my grandmother and grandfather both had the same last name! I’ve actually considered (and am still considering) using her family name as my middle name. My sister and I were given very “American/British” first names. My last name is from my dad, an American mutt of sorts. It’s British in origin.
@CEO528: haha, what a flattering comparison! I was almost Tina Fey/Sarah Palin for Halloween last year. (You should see my old faculty ID at the school I taught at last year. I was wearing glasses, headband, blazer and am a splitting image of Palin.)
Honestly, I am so relieved to see a bee not taking her man’s last name. It was never even a consideration for me… I come from a family of very strong women, and so far no one who has gone before me has changed their names either (in fact, my one cousin’s husband changed his name to hers!). I get what people say about wanting to have a team name, but as long as the burden of name-changing is on the women, it will always seem like an unfair societal expectation to me. When people say, “You’re not changing your last name?!” with surprise, I just say: “Nope. And I offered my name to FI, but he turned me down, so I guess we’ll both just be keeping our own.”
Incidentally, this has been a total non-issue with all the northerners in my life and a real shock for the southerners/Texans in my life.
We’ll have a team name, but it’s going to be a little non-traditional in and of itself.
Since I didn’t want to change my last name and FI isn’t really attached to his (and refused to hyphenate our future children’s name, which is a-ok by me), he decided to take mine. It’s so interesting! I thought for sure we’d get tons of funny looks, but they’ve been few and far between.
Miss Potato Chips, please please please tell me you’re as avid a Chuck watcher as I am… and that when you say The Awesomes, you are, indeed referencing that show. Pretty please?
I will be changing my name, but it bothers me. He said I can keep my last name, that he would be hurt but that he would get over it. I have gotten a lot of flack for thinking about not changing it. His family (from the North) were just like “Oookkkaayyyy???” and my family (from the South) were not happy AT ALL with that. It’s just not really done here, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t changed their last name. When I told my dad I wasn’t changing, he got FURIOUS and told me that it was against God (don’t know where it says THAT in the Bible!) and that if I didn’t he wouldn’t speak to me again. I want to have the same name as my children, and it’s MY name. It also sounds really cute. My first and last names just become one cute word when you say them together, and they sound matched. My FH’s name is Italian, contains a popular slang word for female genitalia, and caused him to be tormented all through school for it. I don’t want to saddle our children with that, or frankly, myself. I really hate it. I try to love it, I even write it on things with my first name, but I hate it. I feel like that is my FMIL’s name, not mine, and I don’t know if it’s something I will ever get used to. But I want to have a “family name”, and I want to have my future children’s last name, and I don’t want to hurt my FH or his family. He won’t change his name to mine because his family is (for some unknown reason) very proud of their very ugly name. He assures me that if we lived in Philly my name would be the weird one.
I still hate it. I hate it in the cry every day way. I still have to change it and suck it up.
It sucks so bad.
@Ashley: Ashley, what a burden to carry! I wish I could give some helpful advice. Instead, I’ll provide some largely unhelpful advice and my personal feelings on the matter.
Surely your husband doesn’t want you crying over this! That breaks my heart. I think it’s worth a discussion with him and an honest talk with yourself.
It bothers me that men are privileged with the ability to keep their names, no questions asked. It also bothers me that our society largely assumes that children will bear his name even if the woman keeps hers. What is the logical reason behind our patrilineal system? I can’t think of one. “Tradition” isn’t a good enough reason for me.
Let me be clear: I am not judging those who happily share a name with their husband. Many above have written that they’ve done so, and that is great. What is NOT great is that any semblance of choice seems to have taken from you. It’s your name. It’s no one else’s.
In the end, you have to be happy with your decision, no matter what society/family dictates. I just don’t see why you have to suffer for the sake of tradition. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. I think it’s an important decision.
@MissHelen: That’s great. My great hope is that someday soon the norm is a discussion that goes, “Hey, whose name should we take? Or should we stick to our own?” rather than the current default.
Hm. I’m intrigued especially re: academia. @bridgetjones2010, how did you decide to keep your name?
I’ve pretty much decided to take his name personally (I like it and I have no real attachment to my name), but have no idea what I’m doing professionally. Grad student, know some people, but haven’t published yet…..
@Ms Potato Chips:
Thank you so much for your reply! Your advice was actually very good. I just sat down and had a very serious and frank talk with the FH. He agreed that he thinks it’s wrong that women are the ones to always change their name. He also feels like I do, that we both want to share a name with our future kids and with each other. To avoid upsetting his parents or my dad, we’re going to go with his name, BUT we’re both going to have my last name as a second middle name. So we’ll both be Firstname Middlename Mylast Hislast. I really like that option, because not only does it not hurt anyone in our families, it makes me feel like I’m not the only one changing or compromising. He’ll take on my name, and I’ll have his. He still agrees that my change is much bigger than his, and I’m so glad he sees that. But I think I can be happy with this choice. Even though I will have “that last name” I’ll still have MY last name, and he will too. I feel much better about the whole thing now.
@Ashley: That sounds like a wonderful solution! Good for you guys for coming to a happy and harmonious decision!
I kept my very Portuguese last name (My dad’s from Terceira! Woot Azores.) and the mister kept his very Swedish one. He’s always been fine with it. If he had been adamant that I take his name, I’m pretty confident I wouldn’t have married him. I’m not looking for a man like that.
As for kids, we’re still figuring that out. The two options will be either only my last name or both of our last names (sans hyphen, since my last name is already two words and a hyphen would make things even more awkward). As a feminist, I really want to challenge the notion that still remains that, even when a woman keeps her name, her children will automatically take her husband’s. For us, names are both intensely personal and also highly political all at once. We convey a lot by the names we choose to use.
@Julie: Well said! (Santa Maria representing on here!)
1) Like ColorCoated, I love the Ting Tings! They’re a par-tay, and will definitely see some airtime at our party
2) I’m a Jones currently, and I’ve never really thought about not changing my name. I’ve had people laugh derisively that my name is ACTUALLY Jones (they often think I’m faking– helloooo… it’s a popular last name because lots of people have it!) and that’s not much fun.
3) I’m planning to take the FI’s last name. In doing so, I go from one of the most generic last names in the US to one of the most-often-requested-signature names in the US. It’s very colonial. Maybe doesn’t go as well with my name as I’d hoped, but I do like it.
4) If anyone mashes together our names, it creates a word that means having a hankerin’ for male body parts. So classy.
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Ms. Potato Chips, Boston/Narragansett RI
Age and Occupation: 29, PhD Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Personal Trainer/Business Owner/Physical Therapy Assistant
Engagement Date: January 1, 2009
Wedding Date: June 2010
Venue: The Narragansett Towers
About Me: A semi-professional bookworm, if I could be a literary character I’d be a cross between Jo March and Jane Eyre, only better accessorized and much lazier. My hobbies include sleeping in, seasonal brews, running, Trader Joe’s, and watching Unwrapped and Good Eats with Mr. Potato Chips. I harbor an irrational fear of tulle, crafts, things that are fussy, and overuse of the phrase "Your Special Day". After a year or seven together, down the aisle we go, slouching toward adulthood and planning a Rhodie party with equal parts whimsy, cheer, and pizza.
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