Wedding Blog
The other night, six close girlfriends found time in their busy schedules to come together over cheesecake. While we stuffed our faces like our favorite Miami-based octogenarians, one friend—we’ll call her Sofia because she is both saucy and Italian—told us about a wedding she is a bridesmaid in next weekend.
Sofia loves her friend dearly, but she was frustrated by a level of thoughtlessness that had gone into the planning of the wedding.
Hotel reservation blocks were unclear, Sofia had to give up her makeup appointment because of a last-minute scheduling snafu, information she needed to know came too late, and the bride was ambivalent about decisions that required a straight yes/no answer.
While she kvetched, I found myself slumping lower and lower in my seat. Finally I cried out, “Aughh! You’re making me nervous! What if she’s just a laid-back bride? What if she’s not a planner?” What I meant was, “Hey, I’m a laid-back bride! I’m not a planner!” Sofia knew what I was getting at. “She wasn’t being laid-back,” she said. “She just didn’t think. Or she didn’t care. But you’ll be fine.”
Therein lies my fear about wedding planning: How can you know what you don’t know—ya know? 
Weddings involve so many social mores, so many societal rules and expectations. Some are silly, and some (like alerting your guests to the hotel room blocks in a timely manner) are necessary, courteous, and common-sense. I’m worried about the ones that fall within the gray area of courteous and common-sense. The seed of a concern was planted last night: that in all our laid-backness and Type B/C/D/DD personalities, we’ll miss something. Something that will really piss people off.
In the law, ignorance excuses no one. Are the rules of wedding planning any different? I wonder, will common sense and common courtesy suffice? How can you know what you don’t know you need to know?
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I always make a call to good ol’ mom. She’s got the etiquette down! Thanks for reminding me to get back on top of hotel reservations. 
@Brianalaura: Moms are good like that! I ran this blog by “Sofia” to make sure she was cool with me referencing her situation. For the record, she wrote me back:
“To answer your question of how will you know - we’ll tell you. You have plenty of friends who have been in a million weddings and whatnot. Just run some stuff by us and we’ll be sure to help you avoid the snafus!”
Yeah, I worry about this stuff, too. I have tried to tell my bridesmaids that I’ll let them know everything they need to know, but I feel like I’m dropping the ball somehow.
For me, it’s not only knowing what to let them know, but when do you let them know? Too soon, and I worry they’ll forget (well, mostly the groomsmen : ), too late and I’ll piss them off!
it’s always a plus when you have friends that are wedding experienced. i have plenty of married friends so i’m covered on that front. i just can’t ask my mom because she’s clueless as to how american weddings work. lol
Someone gave me Mindy Weiss’ “The Wedding Book” as an engagement gift. I love it - it’s really well organized and she usually points out ettiquette and social rules & expectations. I also love how she points out which things are smart to spend money on vs things that are nice to have, but people won’t notice if they’re missing (e.g. envelope liners!).
i’m probably making lotts and lotts of them.. with nobody to tell me! the first of my friends getting married usually means nobody really understands why wedding planning takes so long. sigh..
@Ms Potato Chips: That’s definitely a plus! My bridesmaids will be just my sisters, and neither have been in a wedding before. So mom will have to suffice! 
I’m a planner. I will try to refrain from creating an itinerary for the wedding weekend. I’m making this promise now the the hive. My bridesmaids would kill me if I did create one for them.
Haha. Well I think the fact that you’re CONCERNED means you’re at least thinking of your guests. And if someone asks you a question, if you can give them a straightforward answer, then I think you’re doing fine.
Behave in ways that are honest and true to who you are as a friend to the people in your life. I’ve been a bridesmaid many times over, and each time the woman getting married took up the “bride” role differently. Each time, it was a pretty accurate version of who they already are. If you’re laid back, and you aren’t a planner, your friends should already have ways of responding/working with that, instead of having expectations that you be different than you are. And the best thing of all, which it sounds like you have, are friends who are good enough to be your sounding board:-)
I think people need to be conscious of the fact that when you get married and have a wedding, you are basically hosting a party for your friends and/or family - with the husband and wife as the special guest of honor…If the wedding was really about the bride and groom, they should go to the courthouse…Too many brides and grooms loose sight of this, and think only about themselves - and the results are very selfish - I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where the bride was extremely selfish…The list of her thoughlessness goes on and on, and this showed me her true colors - and as a result, I realized that I don’t really want to be friends with her anymore - just be thoughtful, nonselfish, and you should be less likely to forget what to and not to do
Technically…. ignorance IS an excuse for tax law (as long as you were operating in good faith) for the reason that tax law is so darn complicated that the government doesn’t REALLY expect you to understand it all.
Maybe wedding planning is the same? We’ve all got to do it…. and there are a LOT of social norms and mores (and even a few taboos!). I think that as long as you show you are trying and putting forth an effort, no one will hold you to the letter of the law
It sounds like your friends will help you figure out what you don’t know…shoot and help you plan or decide…that’s what BMs are for!
I’m worried about t too. I’m sure that if you’re thinking about it now you’ll be fine!
I felt like this at times, especially as the wedding got closer and bmaids would ask me “what jewelry do you want me to wear” etc. I didn’t care b/c I didn’t want them to have to go out and buy new jewelry! But I guess I can see how it would be frustrating not to know these kinds of things?
P. Chips, you’re hilarious. I love your writing style Great post. I share your same fear. It’s a fine line between being too laid back and too controlling. All you can do is try your best and hope that your most candid BM will speak up if you are being too laid back!
this is a great post. this is something I worried about a lot because I had been in a lot of super-stressed out weddings where the bride morphed into a shadow of her usually cool self, I went in to the opposite mode. i failed to ask for help, and also failed to give explicit directions. one thing I would recommend, from one laid back bride to another is to tell them your approach and ask them to ASK you, seriously don’t worry about stressing you out, any questions they have or that they hear from other people. having your friends/bmaids out there collecting questions and concerns might remind you of a few things.
I can say I honestly dont know but I have made some mistakes so far with my planning and have realized that I need to do more delegating. Learning from the small mistakes and consulting people is the best way to go. Best example…. for my engagement party which was to be a small affair(initially) I only sent formal invitations to the immediate Aunts, Uncles, and Grandparents of me and the FI. I also verbally planned to invite the BM’s and GM’s as well as some close but extended family. When all was said and done I invited some BM last minute I totally forgot some family friends and didnt have enough food. I enjoyed every moment but have not heard the end of my forgetful nes from the families. So with that mistake I have learned that I am going to be more voustrous and alot more organized so, just learn from others mistakes!
Great post, I worry about this stuff as well and it is really hard to know. I’ve just been asking one of my bridesmaids, who was pretty awesome at planning her own wedding, what to do.
Awww P Chips - things will work out! I have a feeling you’ll be just fine.
Aww. :-/
The way I’m “knowing” is books, books, books. Internet, internet, internet. Plus, in the South, a lot of this stuff is beat into you at an early age.
Love the Golden Girls reference! I absolutely love that show! Your posts are always so inspirational and thought-provoking! Thank you!
Sweetie Pie, I have some news for you….ready?….You probably will make mistakes. You’re human and you haven’t done this before and you have a lot on your mind. I WAS a planner and still there were times that I realized…ooops…I forgot to let my bride’s maid know the time of the rehearsal until three days before (true story). The good news is that your friends and family love you and will understand that you have “bride brain” going on. Some people will ask you questions and keep you on track and others will be too laid back to even ask (see my above bride’s maid). All will forgive because they…well…are your friends.
I think communication is key. It sounds like a lot of the problems Sophia ran into were rooted in a lack of communication. Send emails, texts, phone calls, newsletters, update your website/blog, whatever you need to do to keep the people close to you, and your guests, aware of what’s going on, whether it’s hotel info, plans for the rehearsal dinner/after party/brunch, or other weekend events, or info like what to wear, etc. Even if you don’t have everything figured out, once you DO have something figured out, don’t leave your wedding party/vendors/guests in the dark!
I have the same fear! How are we supposed to know everything? I’m the first in ‘my group’ to get married so none of my girls have been BMs before.
It’ll be interesting :). I’m learning a lot from weddingbee so that makes me feel a bit better.
I had a friend who was like that. I was her co-MOH along with her sister. The wedding was about an hour away from where we are all from so we stayed in a hotel Friday night. She is a friend who is not a planner in any sense and basically had her entire wedding handed to her (her brother catered it and found the fire hall, her in laws did all the centerpieces, etc.)
She didn’t tell me or the other bridesmaids that they were doing a full dinner for everyone the night before the wedding. We had asked numerous times if something was going on and were told no! So I took my time after work to drive out there and ended up driving up to the restaurant where they were all just leaving dinner. Her dad said to me, “you’re late!” And I said, “no one told me this was happening!” It was really upsetting, actually. How can you be so disorganized to not tell the people in your wedding party that this type of thing is happening? I guess she felt like it wasn’t going to be that big of a deal, or that it was more family?
My help wasn’t asked for or accepted for much except the shower so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised she didn’t think of me.
I hope common sense and courtesy are enough, because some of those old rules are silly.
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Ms. Potato Chips, Boston/Narragansett RI
Age and Occupation: 29, PhD Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Personal Trainer/Business Owner/Physical Therapy Assistant
Engagement Date: January 1, 2009
Wedding Date: June 2010
Venue: The Narragansett Towers
About Me: A semi-professional bookworm, if I could be a literary character I’d be a cross between Jo March and Jane Eyre, only better accessorized and much lazier. My hobbies include sleeping in, seasonal brews, running, Trader Joe’s, and watching Unwrapped and Good Eats with Mr. Potato Chips. I harbor an irrational fear of tulle, crafts, things that are fussy, and overuse of the phrase "Your Special Day". After a year or seven together, down the aisle we go, slouching toward adulthood and planning a Rhodie party with equal parts whimsy, cheer, and pizza.
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