Wedding Blog
When our wedding month came around, we were hosting a lot of my extended family from Thailand. It’s not often that they’re able to make it to the U.S.; in fact, our wedding day marked the first time in over 10 years that all of my mom’s 5 sisters were in one place at one time, which is a big deal! Unfortunately, my dad and I were SLAMMED with work. Not only were we in the final sprint of wedding planning, but I was working on a particularly grueling couple of video projects, turning around and working part time for Weddingbee, and then right around 2 AM or so I’d pick up where I left of on printing, gluing, folding, or fluffing whatever DIY projects I had left to do. So, my dad and I were unable to play host and hostess for my family, which utterly bummed me out. This also meant that my mom took on the task of sightseeing chauffeur… an easy task for some, but terrifying for her.
My dad and mom are two halves of a whole. My mom takes on the typical wifely roles, while my dad, while he’s an extraordinary businessman, is so, so crippled when it comes to taking care of himself at home. I swear, the food practically misses his mouth if my mom doesn’t virtually spoon feed him. My mom will take a vacation and leave my dad at home for a month or so, and the entire time my dad will exist on popcorn and oranges. Popcorn. Oranges. 6 times a day. My dad cracked a tooth last time my mom was out of town, from crunching on one too many popcorn kernels. And his doctor said he was eating too much sugar when he went for his checkup! How many oranges a day do you need to eat to be eating dangerous levels of sugar? Yick! But my mom, she relies heavily on my dad as well. Up until that point she hadn’t driven herself anywhere beyond our local grocery stores and shopping malls in years and years and years.
When she decided she was going to take her family to San Francisco (a two hour drive) sans my dad, we all went into throes of panic.
She was so nervous, and we for her. Would she drive the wrong way on a one way street? Would she comprehend quick turns and left turns with dedicated left turn lane? It was scary business.
Independent as I feel like I am, I silently vowed that I’d never become like this. While it’s incredible to be able to depend on your spouse, every day, for the rest of your life, there is also a part of you that dies when you become dependent so long. Not for me, I thought.
And then I went to New York, alone, this past week. I travel alone frequently, mostly to LA, but I’m familiar with LA, so that’s not a big deal. But NYC is different. There are varying forms of public transportation, and from cabs, to the subway, to the LIRR, and with luggage and checking in alone and all those things… I felt myself break into a sweat. I realized it had already started. When we travel, I depend heavily on Mr. Penguin to just shuffle me around everywhere. Subway routes, directions, reservations… he takes care of it all.
It begins. I’m terrified of letting parts of me die, of depending on Mr. Peng for solid chunks of my routine, while he depends on me for others. It’s both comforting but incredibly limiting at the same time. Once I got home, I vowed to take charge of more parts of my life, to drive in more unfamiliar places, to navigate routes that I usually leave up to Mr. Peng. New York was a good lesson for me in independence, or rather, my shameful lack of, so early in life.
What about you? Do you find yourself giving up your independence for convenience now that you’re part of a couple? Or do you try your best to remain as independent as possible, in every aspect of your life? And what about your parents? Are they independent, or dependent on each other? What lessons on independence can you take away from your parents’ relationship?
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Share this post: Two Halves of a Whole
Ooh, what a great post, Pengy! I have found myself relying on the Dude when it comes to household stuff–basically fixing anything that is broken, like a jammed door, broken cable box, etc. And I never ever ever set up anything involving wires and plugs! I sometimes hate this fact, but at the same time I’m way too lazy to try and figure something like this out when I know how much the Dude’s engineer-y mind enjoys doing this type of work. But yeah, I’ve noticed it and it kinda bugs me.
me tooo! I do rely on the dude for a lot of things, esp in terms of roads, maps, transporation….
I think about this all the time! My parents are so dependent of each other in the same ways that your parents are. I really hope to not become that way with my own marriage, although I’m finding myself cooking more and more meals, while Mr. M is off working or building things in the garage. It’s weird how easy it is to fall into the typical marriage roles and lose your independence! I don’t like it.
Oh Pengy, are you and I secretly related? My mom and Dad have the same relationship as your parents and I made the same vow as you. I admit, I treat my Dad just like my Mom does when she’s not around. I’ve consciously been trying not to become my Mom when it comes to Mr. Joey. I will say it hasn’t been to hard yet but I think the fact that he doesn’t expect to be treated like my Dad helps a lot.
p.s. I had leftover soup for breakfast and thought of you. 
What a great post Penguin thank you for being so open with us. It’s funny that it happens to be about driving because that’s where i like to depend on my fiance for long trips or even trips that are an hour away from our house. We live in the city and I grew up taking the bus every where, my mother still takes the bus and if she cant take the bus her husband takes her! But I would like to start driving every where and take long drives and I def will start!
This sounds just like my parents! My mom had to drive her sisters to the gilroy outlet when they came for a visit… She got lost… And pulled over… On the freeway! I hope not to be like that but I already see myself depending on the hubs for a lot of things. Good thing I have a gps and google maps on the iPhone though!
Great Post, Peng! I wasn’t sure where it was headed when I started reading it, and your conclusions/questions are great reflections for the whole hive! The level of dependency in your parents marriage, I believe, is very common, but I think it can be dangerous, because dependence and love are very different animals that can be mistaken for each other with resentful results. I don’t want to be married to someone who can’t function without me, and I certainly don’t want Mr. WC to view my greatest contributions to his life to be compensating for his shortcomings (whether he comes by them naturally or out of long-term laziness!). To me, that sets a dangerous precedent around how much each person in the relationship is able to change. After nearly 30 years of marriage, my parents weren’t able to make it through some growing pains because my Mum wanted to change in ways that no longer catered to specific emotional deficiencies my Dad had had throughout their marriage. Being able to rely on your partner, and needing your partner are two different things to me, I guess.
Great post Pengy
Although we’ve only been married for 2 months I find myself trying to hang on to my independence. If my car has a problem, I try to take care of it, etc. I think it is good to ask for help when I can’t do something, but I hope I always try to do it myself first.
Wonderful post! I’m quite scared of becoming over-dependent on someone else. I think we both try to maintain our independence, but there are some things he mainly does (drive) and I mainly do (organize trip itineraries). We need to work on that.
i really like this post. thanks for being so open pengy. i strive for my independence every day but i’m finding it’s hard to balance my need to be independent with my boy’s need to take care of me. it’s a constant struggle but we’re still learning to adjust.
my dad is pretty hopeless on his own though he does pull through every once in a while. we never worry about our mom. she’s good to go.
Oh yeah, we already rely on each other. I don’t think he knows how to drive anywhere if I’m not telling him where to go, even if we’ve been there 100 times. At the same time, I don’t even know how to start the wii (you have to change some cords) or the dvd player (it’s through the x-box, it’s weird!) without him. My nieces were in town and wanted to watch a DVD and I had to call him to figure out how to turn it on!
Oh sigh, I should admit that I’m pretty dependent on Mr. Parfait. I’ve depended on my dad and big brother my whole life for directions, computer help, driving me places…poor Mr. P’s bearing the burden now!
Wow. It’s always so intriguing hearing from so many people with a completely different philosophy than mine. Please believe that what follows is not a judgement on any relationship (each has a different rhythm, pair of personalities, and foundational essentials). I just feel I should speak up becuase it seems rather one-sided, and I love the usual variety on weddingbee!
I believe I’m a very independent, “strong” woman– worked part-time all through high school, bought my own car and laptop, went to college far from my family, paid for 4-yr private college on my own, studied fulltime/worked part-time, was single for 2-3 straight years, studied abroad, handled two majors and two minors….. and I am deeply joyful as how my FI and I are becoming dependent on each other.
WHAT?!, you say? How could ANYONE enjoy that?
You see, I know I could take care of myself if he were to disappear. But, I also know, I’m better with him. His strengths complement my weaknesses, and if that means he picks up my cellphone and slips it into my purse as I absentmindedly set it down, so be it. If he does the socializing and the detailed work, and I do the budget forecasting and big-picture things, the overall outcome is better. If it means that I feel weaker when he is not around, so be it - our lives are becoming fused to the point where I am used to having two pairs of hands and two brains to bounce ideas off each other. I believe that’s a good thing.
Overall, I’m glad we are two becoming one. And when and if I become one all on my own, I know that I’ll have my friends, family, and God to help me through…. but I’ll thank God that for a time, I was part of a glorious team.
When Mr. Eggie and I went to Europe, he not only had to navigate the public transit system, he had to learn the languages too. I barely said a word. I depended on him to buy and order everything for me.
I’m torn because I like that I don’t have to do the things that I don’t want to anymore (talking to strangers in a foreign country and screwing up the language), but also I’m definitely less independent.
Great post!
I think both Mr. Bee and I are really independent. I depend on him emotionally, but for anything in day to day life, we take care of ourselves. I guess having grown up as someone that was depended on heavily by friends and family, being married to someone so independent is a welcome change.
sometimes i worry i’m too much the other way - that i baby my husband and do far too much for him, somehow robbing him of his independence. if anyone needs to be called, anything needs to be paid/planned, i do it. it’s naturally fallen to me because i’ll remember and i enjoy doing stuff like that (i’d love to be someone’s personal assistant!). but then when life gets busy for me in school or work, i get mad that he still wants me to do things for him… which is partially my fault because i’ve always done it in the past!
one thing i will NOT do is make his lunch in the mornings. my mom did, and now she still wakes up early on her days off to make one for my dad! i like my sleep too much to do that.
This is so interesting. I know a lot of parents like this.
For the younger brides who feel dependent, or for anyone “waiting,” I would say that independence is one of the greatest parts about getting married later. I am 32, and spent most of my 20s without my FI. (We met at 28.) Neither of us are dependent on each other for anything, and there isn’t anything one of us can do that the other can’t. One possible exception is that our car was my car before we got together, and I would say I am more familiar with it and do the lion’s share of maintenance, but he is perfectly capable of driving it whenever I get sick of driving.
Spending some time on your own as an adult after college is a great way to make sure you can do everything you need to do for yourself.
@staceyb: I know what you mean about taking on all that stuff. My mom says, “Pick your husband’s dirty sock up off the floor once, you’ll be picking it up for life.”
This is a great post. I used to travel alone a LOT - I have (er, had) a wild streak of independence, and I tend(ed) to go where I want, when I want. Lately I’ve noticed that wild streak gone, and when I think of going somewhere alone, I get freaked out!
The funny part is that my FI is not a traveler. He’s only left the state three times - twice with me! I think I just have to remember that even though I’m leaving my “comfort zone” doesn’t mean I have to be “uncomfortable.”
I love @jmc’s comment, too. We are getting married at 26 and 33, so almost everything we’ll ever do, we’ve already done alone.
@jmc: I really think being on your own after college is a huge plus for your independence! Unfortunately I went from college to living with my parents to moving in with Mr. Peng after he got out of grad school. I think I would have been better off getting an apartment and doing my own thing (well, not financially better off though…). Living with my parents allowed me to save a lot of money so we could buy our first home when I was 23… something I could have never done if I had rent and had to pay for food. But I do think, for my own sake, I would have really benefited from living on my own! Toughie, huh?
@ Mrs. Penguin: Totally tough, yes. After I posted I thought maybe I oversimplified a little, so thanks for adding that. I also felt bad that I said “after college” because I know college isn’t for everyone. Ah, regrets. Perhaps I should have just related it to my own experience: I was single with only very casual dating from 22-28, so I did everything on my own. But I know that’s not an option for everyone. I just see so many mothers of my friends who can’t drive, who are dependent on their husbands for everything, and I really hope to avoid that with our generation. Obviously, there are degrees of collaboration that come with a marriage. (I am grateful not to have to figure out how the TV hooks up to the DVD player when we move.) But I am a feminist, and would just like to see young women taking charge. I hope that expresses what I mean more clearly.
Of course, I think Weddingbee is a great and positive space for women, so… carry on!
@jmc: Oh my gosh! I hope that didn’t come off as defensive. I was actually really really agreeing with you! I do think it was negative for my personal growth to have never been on my own (hence this entire post!). I think for my personal growth, being able to have lived on my own for a bit would have helped me grow as an individual, something I totally missed out on. I really do fear becoming one half of whole, and I appreciate the ease of dependence, but realize that being so co-dependent on someone is really bad, should I have to do things on my own one day (like, go to New York!).
I depend on Mr. MB emotionally and he sorta depends on me for just about everything else. But it works out well for us. Definitely enjoyed this post though, I’m very independent in practical ways, but I don’t know what I’d do without him.
This is a really interesting post! I grew up with a single mom–so my mom HAD to do everything on her own. When I started dating The Hubs, I was almost obsessed with being as independent as possible. I was in my later 20’s and had already been taking care of everything on my own. When we moved in together, I wanted to split everything 50/50 and was really uncomfortable if I felt like I was depending on him too much in any way. Over the last few years, I’ve relaxed a little and try to keep things in perspective. I want to be able to know that I *could* do everything on my own, but I choose to do things with his help. I think of us as a good team. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who is a great teammate for me.
My mom and dad are very old-fashioned in the sense that my mom depends on my dad to take care of fixing things, like the cars and other home-maintenance. Where as my dad relies heavily her for all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, shopping, etc. I truly think that my mom is SuperMom because she does it all. Not only did she raise 6 kids and take care of my dad, she always helps my dad fix whatever needs fixin! If my dad is up on the roof fixing a shingle, she is right up there with him with a hammer. If my dad is patching up a hole in the wall, she is right there with him cutting the drywall… you get the point. My mom is the best and I think my dad would be lost without her. 
I realize that I depend on my fiance for a lot of computer stuff because he is a technical support specialist and knows his way around a computer like the back of his hand. But I am trying to get better at troubleshooting on my own so that I don’t always have to call on him when I come across a problem.
I think independence comes in many different forms. I always said that I dont want to be the girl that grows up and cant go out for drinks after work without her man or do anything without him by my side. I saw this a lot in my early 20s and now in my late 20s. MY FI and I agreed that we should do trips independent of one another. I have girls weekends and he has guy weekends. It just makes us both feel like we can still retain a sense of self but still be a cohesive unit.
I think the longer your marriage the most your become interdependent and I love that. We’re two different people, but we’re one in marriage and I hope we learn to depend on each other more as time goes on.
@Jessica - I completely agree with you and I actually hope that we become dependent on each other .. its only been almost 4 months since we tied the knot but I slowly see us navigating our lives to be dependent on each other even though we came into the marriage both as very independent people.
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Mrs. Penguin, Northern California
Age and Occupation: 27, Weddingbee Editor in Chief
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Doctor of Physical Therapy
Engagement Date: January 29, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 14, 2007
Venue: Winery in the Gold Country
About Me: I love the Spice Girls, dogs with underbites, bean burritos, making messes, high fives, avoiding showers, crossword puzzles, blogs, weddings, and blogs about weddings!
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