Wedding Blog
Hey, y’all! Have you read this article in the New York Times Magazine?
If you haven’t read it, go now. Seriously. Right now. It’s mind-blowingly honest and real. Regardless of your political persuasion, we need more honesty and reality around marriages. They talk about ups and downs, decisions and families and figuring out how to make a marriage work with what might be the world’s toughest external factors.
Oh, where to begin to blog about how this story resonated with me?
A smart, accomplished, ambitious woman figuring out how her husband’s life and desires fit with hers… and being honest about it:
Unlike the wife who smiles tightly and insists everything is fine, Michelle sent a clear series of distress signals not only to her husband but to everyone around her. “Barack and I, we’re doing a lot of talking,” she would say when asked how she was holding up.
A couple with an admittedly happy marriage talking honestly about how hard marriage can be:
Two months later in the Oval Office, I asked the Obamas just how severe their strains had been. “This was sort of the eye-opener to me, that marriage is hard,” the first lady said with a little laugh. “But going into it, no one ever tells you that. They just tell you, ‘Do you love him?’ ‘What’s the dress look like?’ ”
A man worried that if his wife agrees to what he wants, she won’t be happy. When my husband and I disagree, his biggest worry is that I’m not happy (hello, of COURSE I’m not happy, we’re yelling at each other, buddy!), so this strikes a chord in me:
The first lady looked solemnly at the president. He said: “You know, I mean, I think that it was important for us to work this through. . . . There was no point where I was fearful for our marriage. There were points in time where I was fearful that Michelle just really didn’t — that she would be unhappy.”
This, THIS, this right here is why I blog about all the things that aren’t rainbows and butterflies:
“If my ups and downs, our ups and downs in our marriage can help young couples sort of realize that good marriages take work. . . .” Michelle Obama said a few minutes later in the interview. The image of a flawless relationship is “the last thing that we want to project,” she said. “It’s unfair to the institution of marriage, and it’s unfair for young people who are trying to build something, to project this perfection that doesn’t exist.”
And my favorite, the quote that out of an article filled with oh-my-God-we-ARE-normal-thank-God moments, stuck in my head and settled into my heart with a whoosh of peace:
Michelle Obama accepted that she was not going to have a conventional marriage, that her husband would be away much of the time. “That was me, wanting a certain type of model, and our lives didn’t fit that model,” she told me in an Iowa lunchroom in the summer of 2007. “I just needed the support. It didn’t have to be Barack.”
Tell me honestly (since “honest” seems to be a popular word in this post!), did you love the article as much as I did? Why?
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Share this post: The First Couple on (Their) Marriage
OMG! I loved this piece (and the Obamas) and am so glad you blogged about it on WB. In fact, your blogging about “all the things that aren’t rainbows and butterflies” is actually what got me hooked on WB in the first place. I
I’m not a huge fan of the Obamas politically, but this article made me admire them much more as people, something that I can’t say about many of our recent presidents on either side of the aisle. I love that they admit that there are ups and downs — it’s something that Mr. Star and I really try to keep in mind and made a big part of our wedding ceremony. And something that made you one of my fave Bee bloggers!
It’s really nice to read a post that is actually about marriage! I’m already married and still have the WB posts sent to my RSS reader, mostly to peruse the pictures. This has been frustrating about reading about “nesting” because it all seems to be about redecorating and trying new recipes - don’t get me wrong I love new recipes - but MARRIAGE is more difficult to write about. Thank you for sharing this article and writing about marriage - it definitely takes work!!!
I thought it was a great look into their life! I loved that they were honest about the ups and downs they experienced and how their relationship has changed over the years. I got tears in my eyes a few times 
I loved the article Cheese! As you already know, you’re one of my faves for your ability to keep it real. It’s easier to blog about recipes and rainbows than to blog about things that make you pause. Thanks for that <3
yes, I did. I think it’s refreshing to have an honest and open look at what life and marriage is really like relating to politics. When we see these politicians involved in horrible scandals, cheating, relations in bathrooms, what ever it may be, you see the poor wife, standing by her husband’s side and attempting to smile. FORGET IT. It’s just so fake. It’s nice to see a couple that is realistic and open about the challenges of marriage, let alone marriage in the global spotlight. I think that by showing the struggles in their union, it highlights the work that goes into a successful marriage, and really shows their characters. I don’t understand the need for modern political figures to feel the pressure to project this 50’s image of their family, when really their lives are anything but. Cheers to the Obamas and to hopefully an awakening for Americans that people in politics are just that - people, and that the way that they conduct their lives is very telling of how they’d treat the people of the city/state/country that they represent.
Cheese, I’m right there with you. Who knows what the reality of their marriage is, but the spin the writer put on it was so refreshing. As a woman about to embark on a two-career w/ kids situation, it was SO ENCOURAGING to see someone admit that it is damn hard, you are lonely, and yet this doesn’t mean the marriage is a bust. It just means that marriage isn’t just about the chemistry or companionship or even The Relationship. It’s about the commitment you make to being a witness to one another’s history. And I admire a couple who can respect each other enough to let the other person walk their own path.
Yes. Absolutely, 100% YES. Thank you so much for sharing. FI and I accepted long ago and it wasn’t always going to be peaches and cream in our marriage, that there would be times that we wouldn’t even LIKE each other. We haven’t hit them yet, but we know we will and we know that at the end of that day, we will still be married and we will still love each other, and we will still be committed to making this marriage work. Bravo and kudos to the Obamas for being so open about their marriage.
Thank you so so much for sharing this! I particularly loved the last line of this piece, about finding equality over the long-term, not focusing on it being present every single day. Sometimes that just isn’t possible when one partner’s career needs to take center stage over the other for a period of time. I really look up to their model of marriage and their love for their family.
That photograph is amazing, and the article is even better. Thank you.
Thanks so much for posting this article, Cheese! I loved it too!
I think it’s so important the Obamas try to be as honest, realistic and open about their relationship as the piece shows… it definitely helps us “civilians” correct the image of a perfect marriage as an ideal to strive for. I can particularly relate to the challenge of focusing on keeping a relationship real, as opposed to building an image of (non-existing) perfection. Honestly, I think the biggest obstacle in this case can be the difficulty in letting go of these images and what they represent for us… for me, it’s taken some serious self examination and a constant reality-check on what really matters in our relationship, and what we want for our future together. And mourning for what’s not there, what we aren’t, and some deep-rooted childish expectactions.
Oh BTW, “Flotus”… how cute is it that he has an “office” nickname for her!
As always, great post, Cheese.
This was such a poignant article, and I find it totally refreshing how real that they can be about their relationship without it being cheesy (haha, not like there’s anything wrong with that, but y’know!)
My fave part was definitely ““But going into it, no one ever tells you that. They just tell you, ‘Do you love him?’ ‘What’s the dress look like”
Thank you for posting this! They are so wonderfully refreshing.
I’ve always had a problem with the idea that in public, the primary role of a politician’s spouse is to make the politician look good, which often entails a lot of sacrifice and total, unconditional agreement on his/her part - no opportunity for public disagreement, and nothing that might “overshadow” the politician. But how often do two people agree on every single issue, all of the time, let alone when those two people are married? (Answer: very rarely!) So one of the things I’ve loved about the Obamas for a long time now is that neither of them are afraid to make it clear that Michelle might not personally agree with every decision Barack makes, but she completely supports him, even when she’s not physically present. I love that they both seem to have enormous respect for one another, and they both avoid answering for one another in interviews.
I suppose ultimately it’s the very clear image they present that they are equals in a true partnership, and the idea that the struggles make their relationship stronger, that they’re learning experiences even several decades down the line. I respect the hell out of that even in everyday life, let alone in such a public, political setting.
Thanks for bringing my attention to this. I definitely think they are doing their best to be good, and honest role models. It’s not all wine and roses, but it’s worth it.
This was an amazing post! I love the Obamas & this was a great article on them!!
Such a great story! I love when people can be honest and real and say “hey we are human just like everyone else, we arent perfect, we fight like everyone else does.” they are absolutely right. Relationships/marriages are tough. Its a lot of give and take and compromising. Your a team, it takes two and thats the hardest part.
Thanks for sharing the article, Cheese. I think it’s refreshing to recognize that marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s worth working for.
Thank you for posting this! I loved this article.
Whatever your feelings on the Obamas politically, they are such incredibly positive role models in so many ways - their marriage, parenting, education, work ethic and charity work/commitment to improving the world.
Great article! thanks for sharing! Everyone can benefit from reading it.
Thank you for sharing this! It really helps to step back from the flowers and dresses and think about what comes after the big day.
Please never stop writing for WB. Your honesty is exactly what this website needs. I read this when you posted it on NQBC and loved it. I really enjoyed the part about basically being role models for young couples. It’s so important for young people to see that there are stable relationships left in this world, and people who are willing to work for them.
Thanks so much for posting. I had not read this and it was such a great read! I promptly sent the article to my husband to read so that we can discuss tonight over dinner
There is so little out there that talks about what it means to be a wife, particulary a professional wife whose life choices are defined by her husbands career. I know I’m struggling with this. Not so much in a negative way, but realizing my next career choice cannot be made without taking his into consideration.
anyhooo, this was a great read. Thanks Cheese!!!
Thanks for bringing this to my attention! Politically, I’m totally not in sync with the Obamas, but this article made them much more real as people instead of political figures. Its so refreshing to see people be honest about how hard marriage can be, how a wedding isn’t “real life” and I’m so glad the Obamas want to be transparent in terms of how hard marriage is and will be. They obviously have a realistic view of marriage and how hard it is, not just for them but for normal people.
For a fictional view into a President’s marriage, I highly recommend American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld, based on Laura Bush (but written by a liberal).
Thank you for sharing this-something we all need to hear about it. Its refreshing to read about a realistic portrayal of marriage.
Definitely a great article, Cheese! I appreciate your honesty in your posts - it’s one of the reasons I enjoy reading them most!
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Mrs. Cheese, Knoxville
Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Manager
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, CAD Designer
Engagement Date: July 31, 2008
Wedding Date: May, 2009
Blogging Since: October 16, 2008
Venue: Our home and the two acres it sits on
About Me: I’m an emotional girl who loves sentimental things, parenthetical asides, and trying to do things herself. I can cook, sew, am a whiz at planning, terrible at delegating, and totally in love with my fiancé (who will be my second husband but first love of the rest of my life). For our home/ garden/ DIY wedding, we’ll be moonlighting as interior designers, home improvers, and gardeners with the help of our fabulous friends and neighbors. We can’t wait to be married, and are learning how fun getting married can be.
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