Bittersweet Symphony

Bittersweet Symphony

November 14th, 2009 @ 1:20 pm by Mrs. Trail Mix
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That picture is of some lovely, autumn bittersweet, but the beautiful aesthetics of bittersweet is not what this post is about. Truthfully, I only included it because A) a post without a picture is like a cupcake without icing and B) it’s the first thing that comes up when you Google “bittersweet.”

In fact, this is a post for all the brides-to-be who have encountered some “bitterness” during their planning process, particularly in their relationships with family and friends.

I think I am in the ’lucky’ category, seeing that during our wedding planning thus far, I’ve only had a few minor altercations, mostly with my poor mom (thanks for putting up with me, mom!).++ But for many engaged ladies, the planning can be a really stressful time that results in the loss of friendships or does serious damage to familial ties.

It should be a time to become closer to your friends and family, not pull relationships apart. But unfortunately, I’ve heard many many stories of bridesmaids (or groomsmen) who have been asked to step down from their role in the wedding or family members who have stopped talking to one another based on wedding decisions. I think most of the time it is because of differing expectations or a lack of clear, forthright communication, but regardless of the cause, the cost is still the same.

I am so thankful for my amazing friends and laid-back family but I truly feel for those brides who have ended a friendship or severed a relationship with a family member due to wedding planning. I can only imagine how truly bittersweet a wedding would be for someone whose best friend or aunt or cousin was absent or not performing the role originally asked of them.

It breaks my heart every time I see a thread on the boards or other blog posts from a bride who is miserable about a bridesmaid or having drama with family members. A wedding is a joyous occasion; shouldn’t the planning be as well? It makes me sad to think of all the damaged and ruined relationships because of a wedding, a happy celebration of love and life.

I’ve tried so very hard to avoid this, mostly by refusing to stress out over anything. It’s not always easy but in the back of my mind, I just keep reminding myself that relationships are more important than things and our wedding is the last thing in the world that I want to be a source of unhappiness in my life.

Has anyone been in a situation where a friend or family member caused you stress during the planning process? How did you handle it?

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22 Responses to “Bittersweet Symphony”

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Member

krissycake (message) 4,160 posts, Honey bee

You know what I do, what I’ve had to embrace…be like a duck. Let it roll off your back. =) Best advice I have heard!!!!

11/14/09 @ 1:25 pm (reply)

Member

Brianalaura (message) 1,482 posts, Bumble bee

My mom was making me really upset at the very start of planning, but luckily my big sister took care of it. I felt like my mom was adding to my stress, but I finally realized after talking to both of them that my mom was just really worried my day wouldn’t be perfect. I haven’t had any friend-stress and other family stress has been limited. I’m lucky!

11/14/09 @ 1:31 pm (reply)

Hostess

Lillindy (message) 7,974 posts, Bee Keeper

There were a couple of major points of contention with our families during the wedding process. We basically just stood our ground and said that it’s our wedding, we are paying for it and we had to tell people things like “No you can’t invite whoever you want to our wedding.” “If you changed your mind about being a bridesmaid, then don’t be one.” And “I’m sorry, but it’s my choice regarding who will walk me down the aisle.”

11/14/09 @ 1:33 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Pretzel (message) 1,893 posts, Buzzing bee

You are so right Miss Trail Mix- I’ve been blessed, really really blessed. Maybe because the small irritations I let roll off. If they continue, I confront the issue instead of letting it get to colossal proportions. It’s not worth ruining relationships.

11/14/09 @ 1:38 pm (reply)

Member

sweetlovely (message) 140 posts, Blushing bee

*sigh* It’s happening to me We have not even been engaged a month and I was crying (twice!) b/c of the FI family and the things THEY want in our wedding. It.is.so.hard. It’s difficult b/c I’m going to be a part of their family and don’t want it to start off bad. Sucks!

My family is a bit more relaxed about things and are willing to compromise and talk things through. The other family, ehhhh. I’m having trouble finding the right balance. Ultimately, we can’t make everyone happy *shrug*

Good post Ms. TM!

11/14/09 @ 1:40 pm (reply)

Member

sweetlovely (message) 140 posts, Blushing bee

Oh and how I deal with it? I don’t know, still trying to figure that out!

11/14/09 @ 1:42 pm (reply)

Hostess

bellenga (message) 7,536 posts, Bee Keeper

Thank you so much Miss TM for posting this. I am with you. It’s such a special time and my heart breaks when I read posts about somebody hating their bm or something. Just makes me so sad when I see that.

I too feel blessed to have those I love in my life and know it’s going to be fun and eventful, even the challenging parts, when we get married but I will count it all a blessing.

And like Krissy Cake said…be a duck. I say I’m like “Rain X”. I let stuff roll off of me!

11/14/09 @ 1:46 pm (reply)

Guest

Kendra

I’ve been pretty lucky myself. Though, the very first week of planning was a bit rough, ending with my mom and I crying and multiple hang-ups. But, after we both cooled off, we both came to the conclusion that we need to be open to all suggestions and not be closed minded. –Both ways! I was getting upset because my mom thought my DIY attitude would be tacky and she couldn’t stomach the idea of presenting a terrible “project” to the family. But after showing her exactly what I was hoping to do, she cooled off and even suggested steps of how to accomplish the overall look.

11/14/09 @ 1:51 pm (reply)

Member

D.Marie (message) 2,484 posts, Buzzing bee

My fiance and I were just watching an episode of “King of Queens” ( love this show!) last night and it was about this very situation. They wanted to renew their vows and started the planning process when things just seemed too much of a pain in the butt to go through with it. They figured they loved each other and didnt really need to go through a vow renewal because it was too much work.

When they started to tell everyone that they werent going to do it, friends and family members started to think something was wrong and that the marriage was in trouble because they werent going to renew their vows. And then the couple, Doug and Carrie, started to fight and wanted to do the renewal again to prove to people the marriage wasnt in trouble.

At the end they realized it wasnt about other people or what you have at your wedding or vow renewal or who you have there, it was about them and their love for each other. And this is what my fiance try to always remember when something comes up that stresses us out a little bit. Its about us and our marriage, not about whose a bridesmaid, whose invited, who didnt show up or do what they were asked, its about us. Yes we love our family and its nice when they do care and do show up for you but if they cant be there than they cant be there.

11/14/09 @ 2:13 pm (reply)

10.

Member

D.Marie (message) 2,484 posts, Buzzing bee

“what my fiance and I try to remember” I meant!

11/14/09 @ 2:15 pm (reply)

11.

Guest

Tracy

I have 4 beautiful chocolate color bridemaid dresses. It is grand new and all size 2 from BCBG. It is slim knee-length dress, if you are interested please email me at tracy_tran10@yahoo.com

11/14/09 @ 3:49 pm (reply)

12.

Bee

Miss Cola (message) 2,868 posts, Sugar bee

Hear, hear! Drama should be left out of wedding planning as much as possible, but unfortunately that is really hard to do. I’m just grateful that I haven’t had to deal with too much of it yet.

11/14/09 @ 7:28 pm (reply)

13.

Member

KMSull (message) 6,442 posts, Bee Keeper

This is totally going to happen in my family, and it’s going to infuriate me. My aunt and grandmother will totally gang up on my mom and make her MISERABLE… it’s going to happen, and there will be harsh words for both of them if they take it to the extent that I think they will.

11/14/09 @ 7:45 pm (reply)

14.

Guest

Lissy

My mom, is well, she’s normally nuts. I love her and all, but I honestly think she has some major psychological issues. The wedding’s only made things worse.
We got into such a bad fight, I ended screaming at her and running out the door and down the street like some emotional teenager, lol. My parents caught up with me in the car about ten minutes later. I forget what started the fight, but it ended with something about the dog and whatever she said really pissed me off.
An example of the kind of thing we argue about: we were doing labels on the invitations and she said we shouldn’t put “and guest” because she is wearing a fancy dress to the wedding. The kicker is that “and guest” was her idea in the first place. This is just one of hundreds of things. The woman drives me frickin’ nuts.

11/14/09 @ 9:43 pm (reply)

15.

Member

Champagne Wishes (message) 1,187 posts, Bumble bee

My mom said she liked my dress when I tried it on and said “I think this is the one!” So I bought it. The next day, she said it wasn’t her first choice. Needless to say, I am looking for another dress and trying to sell the one I have. My mom has been a major source of my stress, which makes me sad since I thought we would bond over the first wedding for our family.

11/14/09 @ 10:36 pm (reply)

16.

Bee

Mrs. Mouse (message) 5,844 posts, Bee Keeper

I think you have the right attitude. But unfortunately sometimes drama inserts itself into your wedding planning no matter how hard you try to prevent it! The key, in my experience, is to just roll with it and try hard not to let anyone ruin your day–after all, there are no redos!

11/15/09 @ 2:10 pm (reply)

17.

Member

Miss Root (message) 1,014 posts, Bumble bee

I’m one of those girls who sadly found out through the course of getting engaged that two girls who I thought were my good friends, who were on the top of my list for being bridesmaids, were so horribly jealous that they turned into “Mean Girls”. I am no longer friends with those girls. However, I’m kind of glad that they showed their true colors and that I found out what kind of people they are. I’m sad about them, but I’m focusing on the people in my life who ARE amazing and who ARE happy for me, and I know my day will be incredible.

11/15/09 @ 7:15 pm (reply)

18.

Member

Professor (message) 422 posts, Helper bee

Thanks for this post!

11/15/09 @ 9:12 pm (reply)

19.

Bee

Miss Frozen Yogurt (message) 2,685 posts, Sugar bee

Like you, I’ve been lucky and had low drama. I’m hoping that it will carry out that way for the remainder of the planning and the actual wedding. But if it doesnt, I’ll just need to roll with it, or at least try.