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In light of some (very) modest recent “career successes” of sorts, I’ve been giving some—okay, obsessive—thought again as to whether or not I will change my name when Mr. Spaniel and I get married. I don’t have any major accomplishments under my current name (no articles published, no professional reputation), so that’s not entirely the issue, but to be honest, I am very torn.
(source)
I shouldn’t be, though. I never intended to change my last name. I was born with this name, I’m proud of it, and I see no reason why marriage should change that. Yeah, it might be difficult for people who are unfamiliar with it to pronounce when they see it written, and it’s been slaughtered in numerous ways, but it’s mine and it always has been.
But Mr. Spaniel really wants me to change my name. I’ve joked with him that I’ll change my name if he changes his, or that I’ll hyphenate if he does, but I know that it bothers him on some level, and while it bothers me that it bothers him, it also just bothers me, too. (Tricky!) It makes me a little uncomfortable to think that I won’t share a name with my family. (I don’t want to hyphenate any kids’ names because both of our last names are long and it would be annoying.)
So the conflict here is: I don’t really want to change my last name, but he really wants me to, so now I kind of want to. But I kind of feel a little bit of feminist resentment about it. And I’m not sure what I’m going to do now.
Does your fiance have strong feelings on you changing your name? How do you deal with it?
My husband was fairly understanding about whether or not I wanted to change my name so really it was up to me in the end. I decided to change it mostly because I didn’t want to be the only one in our family (once we have kids) to not have the same name. I am keeping my maiden name as my middle and I basically plaster it all over everything. My business cards, email signature blocks, etc have all three of my names, so I feel like it is still part of me. : )
You can always keep yours for professional purposes but then be Mrs. Spaniel to anyone who knows you outside of work.
I was torn too. I loved my maiden name. I chose to move it to my middle name and drop my middle name (which was Ann, nothing that I was in love with). I thought it might bother my mom that I dropped my middle name, but she didn’t care. It was the best decision for me - to have both!
The only downside? My maiden name is also a woman’s first name, but with a slight spelling variation. It’s not very common, and people, especially at work, tend to call me by that name. By not completely getting rid of it, I know that someone every once in awhile will always call me by that! Arrr.
I consider myself a feminist, and I changed my last name when I got married. I truly believe that a name is a name, and not what defines you (unless you have a strong professional presence with your current name). As long as it’s your CHOICE to change your name I don’t see why any woman should feel like she’s no longer a femninist or believes in women’s rights because of it. Having a choice is a wonderful feeling, and what previous women’s rights activists fought for. What you decide should not define you, but it should be the right decision for you.
Keep us posted!
“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”
-Shakespeare
I’m going to change my name. At first I didn’t want to, but like you, my FI wanted me to. I want there to be some continuity in our family, and I think it is romantic that he wants me to share his name. Besides, no matter what my name, I am still the same person. To paraphrase what Shakespeare so eloquently says, no matter the name, the rose still smells as sweet!
@Mrs. Stiletto: I definitely considered that… but whatever name I decide, I will commit to it. I want my legal name to be my only name.
@Miss Chapstick: I definitely don’t think that changing your name makes you not a feminist. I’m more concerned that it’d be something I do because he wants and expects me to “because it’s what women do,” rather than because it’s a choice I would willingly make. Although he hasn’t said it that bluntly. 
I simply added my husband’s last name without a hyphen, so that professionally I can be “P”, while socially I can be “M”, and if I want I can be “PM”. It’s worked so far, and I can keep both identities. =)
I’m not planning on changing my name. Interestingly, when we first went to look at e-rings, the sales clerk asked if I was going to. Before I had a chance to open my mouth, he told her I wasn’t going to. So, that makes it much easier. That’s not to say that I won’t answer to Mrs. iSwimiBikeiRun. I will consider that to be a “social title.” But my name will stay the same. Besides, most people think we’re already married and don’t think anything of the fact we don’t have the same name.
On a side note, I had a friend whose niece thought that when she was introduced to a couple who had the same last name, that the couple were brother & sister. All the adult women she knew had different last names from their husbands!
Keeping my name that is also hard to pronounce and get’s mangled. But, fortunately, the fi is all for this.
i wrote almost this exact post on my blog a couple weeks ago. I am on the fence about changing it (the feminist side of me hates the idea) but he’s expressed that it would really mean a lot to him for me to take his name.
Since then i’ve thought about it more, and considered taking my FI’s name, and my mom’s maiden name as my middle. This still kills my normal last name, but at least it still honors my family (and in a very ‘fem’ sort of way.)
I guess I have to figure it out soon, and I hope you do too!
I’m planning to add the mister’s last name to mine, no hypen. It’s important for me to keep a spanish name since my first and middle are not. And quite frankly, it’s my name and I like it.
This is a tricky one. This is my first marriage but his second, and it turns out his EX and I, have the first same name. She did change back to her maiden name after they parted ways, but I still have nervous thoughts about changing mine to be the same as hers used to be. (confusing) I do have my own business and although my business title does not have my name in it, I have definitely made a name for myself in the industry in which I work.
With all of that said, until now, I never thought I wouldn’t take his last name, now I guess for me as well it is time to make a decision.
I changed mine from First Middle Maiden to First Maiden-as-Middle Hislast, for a few reasons. I wanted the family unity aspect of having his name in mine, and his name is pretty cool: far more unique than mine. My maiden name is part of two common nicknames I have, so I wanted to keep it for that and professional reasons, while I seldom used my original middle name for anything: not even professionally. I didn’t want to hyphenate or have two middle names, so I was fine with dropping my previous middle name. My new full name flows better too.
Now, I keep going by First Maiden professionally (hey, it is part of my legal name!), but I’m starting to transition to First Maiden Hislast personally (and with paycheck/HR offices), using all three. I’d been told people would tend to ignore the maiden when done like this, but I have noticed that people seem to be good about using all three (maybe they think I hyphenated?)
But that doesn’t mean I think the right choice for me is the right choice for you. It sounds to me like you want to keep your name, and you should get to. Best wishes, whatever you decide!
I have half-joked with my fiance that I’d change my name if he changed his as well. I have always wanted to keep my own name. My fiance wants me to take his and even joked about us changing our names to something completely different (a la Mr & Mrs Awesome), but I nixed the idea. I’ve always been happy being Miss Mojito and I will continue to be happy as Ms. Mojito after we get married. At this point, I am completely fine with any kids we have taking his name or taking my name. I’m pretty indifferent on that point. But I am absolutely set on keeping my own name.
The Mister was hurt when I expressed interest in keeping my last name. He really wants me and our kids to share the same last name as him. And since he is a III, there is no way he is hyphenating.
I just keep thinking, my name is a great name but is kind of common. When I take his name, I don’t think there will be many of me! (I Googled to make sure, sick!)
I was planning to keep my last name for a whole slew of reasons, but when I told my FI he got really upset at the idea that I was “rejecting” his last name, a part of himself. *sigh* So now i am thinking of adding his last name behind my current unhyphenated. So First Middle MyLast HisLast. I can go by either name, without having to use both (which I feel hyphening does), but with the option to use one, the other, or both. It’ll make him happy and I’ll only be a little cranky for a little while. ;P
Then again, I have 9 more months to swing back-n-forth on this issue!
I fought myself over this a lot and came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t lose my maiden name, just shift it. So its now my middle name and I have his last name. So any time I get nostalgic for my old name, I can look at my middle initial (which I plan to have on everything, if not the full middle name) and remember who I still am, which will never change even though my name has
I’m going to change my name but mostly because my parents essentially made this decision for me by hyphenating my name. I think it’s odd to have a hyphenated last name that doesn’t include your husband’s so I’m just changing my name completely. I do feel bad because I know my mom is a feminist and she really wanted me to retain part of her middle name. I’m still working out whether I might drop my middle name and change my middle name to my mother’s maiden name.
I think you have to do what will make you happy. Ultimately you are the one changing (or not) your name. So listen, respect his opinions, and then make the best decision for you. Good luck!
My fiance is so indifferent it bothers me! He said he will not change his last name but he doesn’t care if I a) keep the same b) take his or c) hyphenate. Its driving me crazy that he doesn’t care enough while I’m having a mini breakdown over switching… or not!
I have the opposite problem. Mr. Library would like nothing more than for me to keep my last name because “he fell in love with the girl who had her maiden name.” He believes that it is like giving up a little bit of my identity, a topic that is very important to him.
I have talked it over with him and decided that I will be adding his last name as mine, but keeping all of my other names. My full name will Mrs. First Name Middle Name Maiden Name Library. I thought about adding an exclamation point in just for good measure!
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Mrs. Spaniel, Los Angeles Age and Occupation: 28, Law Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Psychologist Wedding Date: March 2010 Venue: Calamigos Ranch About Me: I'm a third-year law student trying to balance graduating with starting my career, keeping up a relationship, and, oh yeah, planning an Old World, multi-cultural, "mountain lodge" wedding for 180 guests! A South Asian Jewish girl getting ready to marry my handsome Catholic Dane, I'm hoping to blend our cultures in our wedding just a bit more gently than by providing samosas as appetizers and offering æbleskiver for dessert. (Although that would also be awesome.)
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