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A little while back, we received the latest issue of “Time” magazine (thanks to Mr. Pudding’s parents… if it were up to me, we’d just be getting Martha and maybe some US Weekly). Anyway, Time has conducted a survey on “The State of the American Woman”, which was summarized in an article by Nancy Gibbs. The results were overwhelmingly positive. According to the author, “it’s expected that by the end of the year, for the first time in history the majority of workers in the U.S. will be women”. Furthermore, “more and more women are the primary breadwinner in their household (almost 40%)”. Gibbs also notes that the notion that “the woman’s rise comes at man’s expense” is all but forgotten.
As a person who is extremely interested in the issues of equality, I started reading this article with a smile on my face, proud of how much the women of my generation have contributed to the movement. As I kept reading, however, my smile began to diminish.
By the end of the article, Gibbs concludes that “as women have gained more freedom, more education and more economic power, they have become less happy”. She attributes this to several different issues, one of which is that women are “working longer hours while playing quarterback at home”.
When I closely studied the survey, I became even more concerned. Even though 76% of the people polled said that the fact that women now compose nearly half of the workforce is positive for society, 65% of these same peeps thought that our society has been negatively impacted by the decrease in the amount of children who grow up with a stay at home parent (only 30%). Is it just me, or do these statistics seem contradictory? The reason that most children do not grow up with a stay at home parent is precisely the fact that women now work. Even though a father is just as capable of taking care of children as a mother, the reality is that it is mostly women who choose to stay home. Indeed, if our family had the option of a stay at home parent, I would certainly want it to be me!
As I prepare to create a family of my own, I can’t help but think about the fact that I am exactly the type of woman that will struggle with these decisions. I love my career: I find it meaningful and fulfilling. But I also want to have a family, and want to do what’s best for my kiddies. I wonder if there is some kind of magical equation for balancing home and career as far as women are concerned.
Have you ever thought about how your role at home and your professional career will merge, and what effect this might have on you, your partner, and/or your future children?
I think about this all the time and it is one of the very biggest reasons why we aren’t even thinking about having kids for at least 5 years. I want to be a great mom and do what’s best for my kids, but I’m so not ready to stop working. Mr. Star would stay home with the kids if I asked him to, but I wouldn’t want to give up the sweetness of raising our kids. Talk about conflicting, right?
Wow, great post! I know I will also struggle with this same balance. I grew up with a stay at home mom and it was great, but I recognize that it is not possible for many families, and most likely won’t be possible for ours. I think where women are “unhappy” is because they have made gains in the workforce, but many are STILL the primary homemaker as well - making dinner, helping with homework, cleaning, etc. This is where I think women can become unhappy, simply because they are exhausted! Men are increasing their role around the house and taking on more, which is wonderful, but until there is a more equal split, I think women will still struggle to be everything - career-woman, mother, and wife. It’s a tall order to fill sometimes!
I’ve definitely thought about this and hopefully, in a few years we’ll be in a position where I can work part-time while doin the baby thang 
women today carry such a double burden!!! It is extremely difficult and I cannot even imagine putting kids on top although I desperately want to be a mom one day, we can’t afford it if I am not working. I make more then my fiancee - and guess who is still the one who comes home to get dinner ready?? ME! He helps as much as he can - but honestly even when he has helped, I still find a floor to clean or clothes to put away. It never ends.
If our family has the option of a stay at home parent I would want it to be him! He is very open to this possibility. While I definitely want to parent our kids I don’t think it is necessary to stay home to do it. I do think there is a contradition in wanting workplace equality for women and for women to be the primary parent. I think this extend beyond the stay at home debate. Staying at home is often only a matter of a few years but the primary caregiver/parent gives up hours and hours every day for eighteen some years that their spouse often doesn’t give. This naturally leads to a different workplace position. I think if a woman wants a career as flourishing as she would have if she were a man she needs a partner that will do at least 50% of the parenting.
Thank you thank you thank you!
First - something that I think is often overlooked in these articles (although now I’m going to research to read it) is how much propaganda was used in the 50s to get women back into the house & kitchen. Women were encouraged to get out into the workforce and help society while their brave men fought abroad and we were directed right back into the kitchen as soon as they got back. The 50s were an era of washer & dryers, convention ovens & fun aprons. Mrs. Beaver was teaching us how to be the perfect housewife and Mrs. Brady reminded us to love every minute of it.
I often wonder how our society would be if women were not pushed back into the kitchen and instead men were also encouraged to stay at home with the kids. I know I’d love to be home with our future children so I’ve chosen a career track with flexibility but I wouldn’t be too bothered if the Mr. would want to share duties.
LOVE the post Pudding!
(As long as things keep going as planned) We will be in the lucky position of running a practice together where we can make our own hours and even bringing any future kiddos to work with us.
Great post!!
When I was a college freshman in my intro sociology class, I read a book that rocked my college-freshman-intro-to-soc world. It was called The Second Shift. Basically, it laid out how although more and more women maintain careers, the bulk of the household duties (cooking, cleaning, spending time with kids, driving them around, checking homework etc.) falls on the woman (rather than being divvied up between wife and husband). This was waaay back in the day of 1998 and I wonder if those statistics have changed.
Having a stay-at-home parent is not an impossibility, it is a lifestyle choice. You can choose to have a more frugal lifestyle in order to have one parent stay home.
@ Arachna
Dropping your children off at daycare does not constitute parenting.
Great post!! I do think about this very often. I went to school to further my career and it’s SUPER important to me, and I also love it, but my mom worked throughout my childhood, and I did miss having her at home. She’s a workaholic, and a great role model, but I really want to try to strike a good balance between work and family, and I haven’t figured out how to do that yet. Maybe I won’t until I actually have kids.
This is a question that Mr. Lemon and I talked about long before getting engaged, and as more and more babies popped up around us, the conversation continued.
We both chose our to keep our careers and have a family. It’s a choice that both of our mothers made and we feel comfortable with it as well. Sadly, the cost of daycare may exceed the paycheck when it comes to multiple kids at once, but that’s the road we’ll cross when we come to it.
@Sarah: I do have to say that it’s not a “lifestyle choice” for everyone… and I do not think your comment on daycare is really quite right nor polite. A woman does not need to stay at home to be a parent.
Great post Pudding! I honestly never thought I’d want to be a SAH mom, but the older Mini gets, the more I wish I was able to stay at home with her.
@ Mrs. Lemon -
The use of 40/hr a week daycare allows a woman to biologically parent rather than engage in actual involvement.
Also, it is a lifestyle. My husband and I support our children on his hourly salary. We moved to a cheaper area so that we could live that way. It’s all about which choices are important to you.
Excuse me Sarah?
Not only is what you said nonsensicle but you even misread my comment. I was saying my husband would stay home with the kids and I would still be a parent. Assuming you stay home are you saying your husband is not going to parent at all? How sad that your kids will be denied a meaningful father figure.
Sorry hive! I know this kind of snark is not appropriate for this community but Sarah is just being insulting.
My mother never stayed at home but did better parenting then anyone else I know.
@ Sarah
I think you are out of line here Sarah. What works for you and your family is not the only way and not necessarily the best way for everyone. What I hate most is when I see working moms who disparage stay at home moms and vice versa. We shouldn’t be attacking each other– women need to support each other in the choices we’re making. Some women (myself included) choose to value both being a mother (someday) and having a career. Women can have both and that doesn’t make them less of a parent.
Kids are a lot like marriage; they’re milestones in life, but they’re not like other milestones in that you work on them forever.
It’s like: Go to school and get a degree–check! Get a good job–check! Buy a house–check! Get married–check! Have a kid–check! Raise a kid–uhhhh…OK! Maintain a marriage *and* a career *while* raising a kid *without* letting yourself go–oh, crap!
Tricky business. I think that if you decide to have kids, you also have to decide to give more of yourself than you ever have before, whether or not that means quitting your job to do it.
Personally, I’m not going to drive myself crazy trying to be Superwoman. When the time comes, I’d rather we take a pay cut than miss out on giving our kids a beautiful childhood. Money and jobs are nothing. The kids are what really matter. And my passions, abilities, and worth are NOT defined by my career…so what would I lose?
I hate how the men disappear from the discussion as it becomes women criticising each other about being mothers. (That hasn’t happened here yet thankfully!) What about the fathers? Don’t they deserve the time with the kids?
Minutiae, while I agree with some of what you say, you do lose a good amount, for example finanical security in case of divorce, frequent and meaningful adult interaction, achieving something amazing that affects hundreds of people, etc. I’m not saying that’s the wrong choice! I think staying at home or cutting back on hours can be a great choice and the right choice. It all depends on the individuals and circumstances. However you do lose things by cutting back on your career and generally these are losses not suffered by your husband.
Fabulous post, Pudding. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. My mom was a SAHM and I can honestly say my brother and I had a storybook childhood largely as a result. Even though it’s clear to me there were many benefits to us kids, I sometimes wonder about my mom and whether she feels fulfilled now that we are out of the house and on our own. She didn’t have a career to return to so her life is very, very different now. Sometimes I think she must be unhappy though she tells me she wouldn’t have changed a thing.
Did the article go into any detail on what the actual impact is on a child? I imagine it would be hard to quantify but I would be very interested in seeing a study done comparing kids with SAHMs and those who had both parents working.
I grew up with a stay at home mom, who did about 98% of the parenting and housework - my dad, who travelled frequently for work, did the other 2%. I think that if my husband and I are able to split the work more fairly - 50/50 or at least 40/60 - our kids will still get great parenting and we’ll both be able to maintain our careers (and sanity). I’ve told hubby no kids until I feel truly confident that he will do his 50%.
@Arachna: Who are you to say I’ll lose anything? Who says I’ll divorce? Who says my FH won’t cut back too? What if I like lots of alone time? What if my chosen career isn’t dependent on office hours? I’m not even going to touch on the “achieving something amazing” bit, because that’s just insulting. 
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Mrs. Pudding, Greater Toronto Area/Vermont Age and Occupation: 26, High School Teacher Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Computer Engineer Engagement Date: August 2008 Wedding Date: July 2010 Venue: Catholic Ceremony, Cultural Hall Reception About Me: Quite literally a citizen of the world, I was born in Poland, grew up in Canada, and now live in the beautiful state of Vermont. I love reading historical biographies, multi-tasking, teasing my hair, and, despite my height, wearing high heeled shoes. I am the ultimate klutz with an uncanny ability to put on a graceful front. Mr. Pudding and I have been dating for over six years, and are very excited to finally merge our (very large) families. We are planning a traditional Polish-Catholic wedding that is anything but predictable.
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