Weddingbee Blog
A little while back, we received the latest issue of “Time” magazine (thanks to Mr. Pudding’s parents… if it were up to me, we’d just be getting Martha and maybe some US Weekly). Anyway, Time has conducted a survey on “The State of the American Woman”, which was summarized in an article by Nancy Gibbs. The results were overwhelmingly positive. According to the author, “it’s expected that by the end of the year, for the first time in history the majority of workers in the U.S. will be women”. Furthermore, “more and more women are the primary breadwinner in their household (almost 40%)”. Gibbs also notes that the notion that “the woman’s rise comes at man’s expense” is all but forgotten.
As a person who is extremely interested in the issues of equality, I started reading this article with a smile on my face, proud of how much the women of my generation have contributed to the movement. As I kept reading, however, my smile began to diminish.
By the end of the article, Gibbs concludes that “as women have gained more freedom, more education and more economic power, they have become less happy”. She attributes this to several different issues, one of which is that women are “working longer hours while playing quarterback at home”.
When I closely studied the survey, I became even more concerned. Even though 76% of the people polled said that the fact that women now compose nearly half of the workforce is positive for society, 65% of these same peeps thought that our society has been negatively impacted by the decrease in the amount of children who grow up with a stay at home parent (only 30%). Is it just me, or do these statistics seem contradictory? The reason that most children do not grow up with a stay at home parent is precisely the fact that women now work. Even though a father is just as capable of taking care of children as a mother, the reality is that it is mostly women who choose to stay home. Indeed, if our family had the option of a stay at home parent, I would certainly want it to be me!
As I prepare to create a family of my own, I can’t help but think about the fact that I am exactly the type of woman that will struggle with these decisions. I love my career: I find it meaningful and fulfilling. But I also want to have a family, and want to do what’s best for my kiddies. I wonder if there is some kind of magical equation for balancing home and career as far as women are concerned.
Have you ever thought about how your role at home and your professional career will merge, and what effect this might have on you, your partner, and/or your future children?
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I think about this all the time and it is one of the very biggest reasons why we aren’t even thinking about having kids for at least 5 years. I want to be a great mom and do what’s best for my kids, but I’m so not ready to stop working. Mr. Star would stay home with the kids if I asked him to, but I wouldn’t want to give up the sweetness of raising our kids. Talk about conflicting, right?
Wow, great post! I know I will also struggle with this same balance. I grew up with a stay at home mom and it was great, but I recognize that it is not possible for many families, and most likely won’t be possible for ours. I think where women are “unhappy” is because they have made gains in the workforce, but many are STILL the primary homemaker as well - making dinner, helping with homework, cleaning, etc. This is where I think women can become unhappy, simply because they are exhausted! Men are increasing their role around the house and taking on more, which is wonderful, but until there is a more equal split, I think women will still struggle to be everything - career-woman, mother, and wife. It’s a tall order to fill sometimes!
I’ve definitely thought about this and hopefully, in a few years we’ll be in a position where I can work part-time while doin the baby thang 
women today carry such a double burden!!! It is extremely difficult and I cannot even imagine putting kids on top although I desperately want to be a mom one day, we can’t afford it if I am not working. I make more then my fiancee - and guess who is still the one who comes home to get dinner ready?? ME! He helps as much as he can - but honestly even when he has helped, I still find a floor to clean or clothes to put away. It never ends.
If our family has the option of a stay at home parent I would want it to be him! He is very open to this possibility. While I definitely want to parent our kids I don’t think it is necessary to stay home to do it. I do think there is a contradition in wanting workplace equality for women and for women to be the primary parent. I think this extend beyond the stay at home debate. Staying at home is often only a matter of a few years but the primary caregiver/parent gives up hours and hours every day for eighteen some years that their spouse often doesn’t give. This naturally leads to a different workplace position. I think if a woman wants a career as flourishing as she would have if she were a man she needs a partner that will do at least 50% of the parenting.
Thank you thank you thank you!
First - something that I think is often overlooked in these articles (although now I’m going to research to read it) is how much propaganda was used in the 50s to get women back into the house & kitchen. Women were encouraged to get out into the workforce and help society while their brave men fought abroad and we were directed right back into the kitchen as soon as they got back. The 50s were an era of washer & dryers, convention ovens & fun aprons. Mrs. Beaver was teaching us how to be the perfect housewife and Mrs. Brady reminded us to love every minute of it.
I often wonder how our society would be if women were not pushed back into the kitchen and instead men were also encouraged to stay at home with the kids. I know I’d love to be home with our future children so I’ve chosen a career track with flexibility but I wouldn’t be too bothered if the Mr. would want to share duties.
LOVE the post Pudding!
(As long as things keep going as planned) We will be in the lucky position of running a practice together where we can make our own hours and even bringing any future kiddos to work with us.
Great post!!
When I was a college freshman in my intro sociology class, I read a book that rocked my college-freshman-intro-to-soc world. It was called The Second Shift. Basically, it laid out how although more and more women maintain careers, the bulk of the household duties (cooking, cleaning, spending time with kids, driving them around, checking homework etc.) falls on the woman (rather than being divvied up between wife and husband). This was waaay back in the day of 1998 and I wonder if those statistics have changed.
Having a stay-at-home parent is not an impossibility, it is a lifestyle choice. You can choose to have a more frugal lifestyle in order to have one parent stay home.
@ Arachna
Dropping your children off at daycare does not constitute parenting.
Great post!! I do think about this very often. I went to school to further my career and it’s SUPER important to me, and I also love it, but my mom worked throughout my childhood, and I did miss having her at home. She’s a workaholic, and a great role model, but I really want to try to strike a good balance between work and family, and I haven’t figured out how to do that yet. Maybe I won’t until I actually have kids.
This is a question that Mr. Lemon and I talked about long before getting engaged, and as more and more babies popped up around us, the conversation continued.
We both chose our to keep our careers and have a family. It’s a choice that both of our mothers made and we feel comfortable with it as well. Sadly, the cost of daycare may exceed the paycheck when it comes to multiple kids at once, but that’s the road we’ll cross when we come to it.
@Sarah: I do have to say that it’s not a “lifestyle choice” for everyone… and I do not think your comment on daycare is really quite right nor polite. A woman does not need to stay at home to be a parent.
Great post Pudding! I honestly never thought I’d want to be a SAH mom, but the older Mini gets, the more I wish I was able to stay at home with her.
@ Mrs. Lemon -
The use of 40/hr a week daycare allows a woman to biologically parent rather than engage in actual involvement.
Also, it is a lifestyle. My husband and I support our children on his hourly salary. We moved to a cheaper area so that we could live that way. It’s all about which choices are important to you.
Excuse me Sarah?
Not only is what you said nonsensicle but you even misread my comment. I was saying my husband would stay home with the kids and I would still be a parent. Assuming you stay home are you saying your husband is not going to parent at all? How sad that your kids will be denied a meaningful father figure.
Sorry hive! I know this kind of snark is not appropriate for this community but Sarah is just being insulting.
My mother never stayed at home but did better parenting then anyone else I know.
@ Sarah
I think you are out of line here Sarah. What works for you and your family is not the only way and not necessarily the best way for everyone. What I hate most is when I see working moms who disparage stay at home moms and vice versa. We shouldn’t be attacking each other– women need to support each other in the choices we’re making. Some women (myself included) choose to value both being a mother (someday) and having a career. Women can have both and that doesn’t make them less of a parent.
Kids are a lot like marriage; they’re milestones in life, but they’re not like other milestones in that you work on them forever.
It’s like: Go to school and get a degree–check! Get a good job–check! Buy a house–check! Get married–check! Have a kid–check! Raise a kid–uhhhh…OK! Maintain a marriage *and* a career *while* raising a kid *without* letting yourself go–oh, crap!
Tricky business. I think that if you decide to have kids, you also have to decide to give more of yourself than you ever have before, whether or not that means quitting your job to do it.
Personally, I’m not going to drive myself crazy trying to be Superwoman. When the time comes, I’d rather we take a pay cut than miss out on giving our kids a beautiful childhood. Money and jobs are nothing. The kids are what really matter. And my passions, abilities, and worth are NOT defined by my career…so what would I lose?
I hate how the men disappear from the discussion as it becomes women criticising each other about being mothers. (That hasn’t happened here yet thankfully!) What about the fathers? Don’t they deserve the time with the kids?
Minutiae, while I agree with some of what you say, you do lose a good amount, for example finanical security in case of divorce, frequent and meaningful adult interaction, achieving something amazing that affects hundreds of people, etc. I’m not saying that’s the wrong choice! I think staying at home or cutting back on hours can be a great choice and the right choice. It all depends on the individuals and circumstances. However you do lose things by cutting back on your career and generally these are losses not suffered by your husband.
Fabulous post, Pudding. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. My mom was a SAHM and I can honestly say my brother and I had a storybook childhood largely as a result. Even though it’s clear to me there were many benefits to us kids, I sometimes wonder about my mom and whether she feels fulfilled now that we are out of the house and on our own. She didn’t have a career to return to so her life is very, very different now. Sometimes I think she must be unhappy though she tells me she wouldn’t have changed a thing.
Did the article go into any detail on what the actual impact is on a child? I imagine it would be hard to quantify but I would be very interested in seeing a study done comparing kids with SAHMs and those who had both parents working.
I grew up with a stay at home mom, who did about 98% of the parenting and housework - my dad, who travelled frequently for work, did the other 2%. I think that if my husband and I are able to split the work more fairly - 50/50 or at least 40/60 - our kids will still get great parenting and we’ll both be able to maintain our careers (and sanity). I’ve told hubby no kids until I feel truly confident that he will do his 50%.
@Arachna: Who are you to say I’ll lose anything? Who says I’ll divorce? Who says my FH won’t cut back too? What if I like lots of alone time? What if my chosen career isn’t dependent on office hours? I’m not even going to touch on the “achieving something amazing” bit, because that’s just insulting. 
My FH’s mom has been a stay at home mom for 29 years and has 7 more to go! Although I definitely respect her for her decision she has made a few comments to me about how she is jealous that at 23 I have a career and at 47 she has never done anything more than waitress. Now that her boys are in middle and high school I’ve tried to encourage her to work part time but she feels so far behind. It really is a double edged sword!
This is such a hard topic (as evidenced by the comments) and I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. My Mom stayed home with me and I appreciate it so much, but I also know I’m a different woman than she is, mostly as a result of her encouraging me to have more in my life than she had at my age. I often wonder if she would have done things differently in this day in age and like Mrs Breezy, I wonder what the impact is on the child. In an ideal world I would like to work part time, but it’s not so easy to find a career with that kind of flexibility (open to ideas!). My FH would stay at home with the kids, but most likely, he’ll continue to be the primary bread winner in our relationship. I do resent that men for the most part don’t have to struggle with this, but I do think they have their own sets of struggles and expectations that stem from society’s pressures. For now, I’ve decided that I will need to wait to see what makes the most sense for us as a family when the time comes. Thanks Miss Pudding for bringing up such an important topic.
This issue is super-important to me, too. Although my husband would be more than willing to quit his job and stay home to raise kids, I’m not sure it would be practical for us. He’s got a great job and a good retirement plan–if he quit, we’d miss out on that. Also, I’m not sure if I’d be able to handle going to work everyday leaving my (hypothetical) baby behind, even knowing the baby’s in good hands. I think the perfect solution would be for us to both work from home, so we can bring in two paychecks (or jointly run a business) while we trade off on parenting duties. That’s my dream life!
It seems like these discussions always get hijacked into an argument between working moms vs. stay-at-home moms and the reality is that different things work for different families. And not all families have a mom/dad to begin with either! lol. NO ONE should give up their dreams- and so if yours is to stay at home with your children, then I think it makes sense to work hard and make sacrifices to make that happen. If your dream is to have a fulfilling career and to be an independent woman (or man) first and still LOVE and raise a family I think that can be done too! I think our children will be infinitely better off if we’re HAPPY doing what we love and not giving up our dreams for them. (Enter ballet mothers/stage mothers etc. LOL.) So rather than attack families that are doing it differently maybe we should see what we can learn from the way they’re doing it and incorporate it into what works for us. And let’s keep a little gender equality in mind too- we don’t generally hear fathers ridiculed for “not parenting” because they go to work everyday.
@Minutiae: I really don’t think Arachna was trying to criticize people’s choices either way, but we do need to realize that there are tradeoffs involved. When we don’t realize this, it’s women who choose to stay at home who get screwed the most. This is particularly obvious in divorce cases, but can also become evident if the working partner becomes disabled or dies. Raising kids and doing housework is labor, even when it’s a labor of love, and it is labor that as a society we do not adequately recognize or compensate. And putting your work and effort does prevent you from doing other things that are, for many women, also important.
This is a very interesting topic, and one that I feel conflicted over as well. But I come from a sort of skewed viewpoint, because growing up in my family, my mom actually chose to have her career and my dad stayed at home with the kids until I was in about 9th grade. So I find no issue with women having their place in the workforce, I think it’s great, but I also think it’s great to have a parent at home. More men should volunteer to be the stay at home dad, my father loved it!
@Minutiae: Well said! My mom stayed at home and I’m so thankful to her. I realize, though, that not everyone believes that choice is right for them.
Ideally, I’d like to stay home with my future children. I’m furtunate to have my parents very close, and they have expressed their desires to help care for grandchildren. This will be a great option if I decide to work. I realize not everyone has this option, and while I don’t agree with how Sarah expressed her opinion, I do agree that staying at home is a lifestyle choice. It boils down to priorities. However, I don’t want to come across as judging anyone who has different priorities.
Sorry to ramble, but I also want to add that using childcare is not an option to be entered into lightly. I have worked as a nanny for close to seven years and in a childcare center also. I love the kids I nanny for, but while I was at the center I witnessed some behavior and additudes from other teachers that I would not want my children aroud. Whoever you trust to care for your children, take it very seriously! The caretakers in childrens lives are so influential.
Ramble complete!
We thought we had an unplanned pregnancy on our hands just last week. I’m still not sure that I didn’t just have an early miscarriage….
Anywho, *assuming* we can get pregnant in the future, and *assuming* that we’ll have some control over when that is (because neither of these are givens for anyone - I truly believe fertility is a gift, and I think the 1 in 6 couples who will have a medical diagnosis of infertility at some stage will say the same), we are coming to terms with staggering our plans.
I’m working hard on my career at the moment, but we won’t be putting off having children for the sake of my job. I might not get all the time in my twenties and thirties to build a career: I trust that being a mother will make me better at my job when I get back to it!
Minutiae, no no no! I was not saying that you’re going to divorce or that the particular things you’re “losing” are important to you. I’m saying that not working means losing out on things of value. I don’t intend to divorce but the ability to support myself if I did is something I think important both for me and for women as a group. Many many choices mean losing out on things of value and that doesn’t mean the choices shouldn’t be made.
Re the accomplishing amazing things that benefit many people. I am not saying a woman can’t do that and stay at home, either for a couple of years or full time till the kids are eighteen. But I do think a woman can’t accomplish such things and not work. That work might not be paid but if you aren’t doing anything with your time but raising the kids then you are going to miss out on accomplishing anything except raising your kids. Again, raising kids can be a huge awesome accomplishment. However, accomplishing other things can be amazingly rewarding and I would encourage any parent, mother or father, who is staying at home to find something they feel is productive to do along with raising the kids. Today I think this is a lot more common but a generation ago many (not all) stay at home mothers did nothing except raise the kids. This isn’t meant to imply that raising kids isn’t a lot of work. I think parents should do this for their own sake not because of being a homemaker is so easy or any crap like that. It’s just pointing out that kids leave and kids are unpredictable human beings and the satisfaction of accomplishing something that is all yours is not to be underestimated.
Being a professional MOM and WOMAN I find that it all depends on your family and your children. If you and your husband can survive on one income and YOU want to be a SAHM! Kuddos and that is fabulous. However, if you have children, but still want your professsional life as well, go to work Girlfriend and do you. To each its own. Not every woman can be a professinal MOM and WOMAN like myself. I’m a multitasker and granted, my career is somewhat flexible given the path I’ve selected (not on the path to be partner, unless it’s my own firm), I have the ability to work from home a few days a week. Also, my kids are not in day care, so I have the best of both words. My mom leaves across the street from us and provides child care when I do go into the office, our client meetings or the very rare court appearance. So, again, I say, to each its own. We cannot all be happy being professional moms or just professional women. I’m an overachiever… I went for both! My kids are just as happy as the professional mom’s kids next door. If not more, but I’m biased when it comes to measuring my kids happines compared to theirs, so in reality, it’s likely the same.
I find it sort of sad when women bash other women for wanting to stay at home, as if that’s a horrible thing to be the first thing your kid sees in the morning and the first person when he/she gets home. I also don’t think it’s right to put down women who do choose to have a career while parenting because some people just can’t not work. My only problem with that is who is raising their child? A day care? Who gets to see all their “firsts” and funny little moments? It just seems that a lot of women now days want it all and think they can in fact do it all…and I don’t think you can parent 100% while putting 100% towards your career. I just don’t understand how someone can say they want children so so badly but then say but I’m going to put them into day care so I can be fulfilled in my career…isn’t your fulfillment supposed to come from raising a wonderful family and having a happy husband? Again, maybe I’m wrong, I don’t know everything and this is one of the many reasons we’re choosing to not have children. I just think it’s a huge pressure to think we can do it all and have it all…something has to give at some point.
I was just thinking about this today as I took a “domestic day” for myself to bake bread and do housework instead of schoolwork. At the end of the day, I told Mr. Dee, “I think I can do this whole housewife thing!” I really enjoyed myself…however, my calling as a minister is equally important to me. :-/
@Arachna: I know you didn’t mean anything by it, but I think I made my point; you can assume I wouldn’t be making myself unhappy with my choice, otherwise I wouldn’t be making that choice! And we can’t presume things about other women’s choices either. Everyone’s circumstances are so different.
I think that with the way technology is developing, we’ll start to see more people working from home as well, so it will be easier for men and women to keep working while still spending plenty of time with their kids.
If Mr. Nachos and I could swing it, I would love to be a stay at home mom. But then other days I’m torn because I wonder what that would do to my sanity and think it may be better to keep a part time job, maybe just a few days a week to get out of the house. I look at all of my friends with kids and babies and different things work for different people. Guess we’ll see what happens when the time comes.
Minutiae, but I’m not assuming anything about you or any individual. I’m only saying choosing x means losing y. It’s like choosing to live in NYC means you can’t live in Northern California and lose out on a, b, c. I think financial independence is important. Not the only important thing by any means.
I agree with this completely…but what happens when the woman is no longer the breadwinner? Doesn’t this show people the shrinking of jobs?
Seeing Mr. MB’s mom react to her boys growing up after being a stay at home mom has made me a bit wary. Just know that your kids might move away and their might not be grandbabies as soon as you’d like to fill that void. I think Arachna makes a valid point by saying that SAHM’s should do something else to fulfill themselves also. Kids aren’t forever, no matter how great they are they still become independent adults.
@Arachna: I like your distinction between “parenting” and staying at home…it’s like the difference between a babysitter and a teacher - they both watch children, but one is more engaged in their development, while the other often just watches tv. Very interesting point!
@Gator: Part of the reason that I wanted to be a teacher was the fact that such a career was more conducive to having a family. Anyone else choose an occupation with the thought of a future family?
@binza14: That’s wonderful! You are very, very lucky!
@Mrs. Sea Breeze: It would be very interesting to see how the child is affected. Unfortunately, this article does not address this, but there is an article in the current “Time” entitled: “The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting” that I think is worth a read. Find it here:
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1940395,00.html
@KtobeC: I think that it is interesting that you point out the fact that men don’t have to “struggle with this”. I assume that you are saying that they don’t struggle with the guilt that is placed on many women because they have chosen a career. It seems that a man can work long hours and travel as part of his job without being looked at as a bad dad because his children are in daycare. Society puts most of the blame on the mother. I think that this leads to a lot of discontent among women: we seem to always have to be defending our choices in this matter.
My mom was a over-worked mom, and a great parent, but I would love to be able to stay at home at least part time with my hopeful future children.
I turned out just fine with a mom who worked 60 hours a week, but I think it would be great to be more involved.
But also, I am getting ready to go to law school, so it’s not fun to think about how that will all work out.
Intriguing post!
My FI and I have agreed I’ll stay home with our kids the first 5 years of each of their little lives & then I’ll go back to work. I can’t imagine NOT working… but I can’t imagine not raising my babies either. The first 5 years are the years you mould them into proper little people. Hopefully this plan works out…
@Casandra: I’m not really following…would you mind explaining what you mean?
This is a great topic - but I hope no one is too swayed by a survey in a magazine. While interesting - it isn’t scientific ( or reputable) research. Psychological research has consistently shown that having a mother who works does *not* have negative consequences for children. Problems only arise in a situation when a child has parents (either mom or dad) who don’t enjoy their job. Other than that, there is actually evidence to suggest that having working parents has psychological benefits for children.
@the introitus: The article actually doesn’t say anything about children…it simply states that while our society is happy about the fact that there are more woman in the workforce, many people are unhappy about the fact that most families do not have one stay at home parent. The conversation (and my own reflection on the article) has simply lead to a discussion about families.
my mother was lucky in that she owned her own home child daycare while I grew up (instant friends!)…and after we went to school she started teaching…I unfortunately don’t have that same luck due to my career choice so I struggle with the same choices that many of you all here struggle with…I would love to keep my career while I raise my kids (my mom did it! why can’t I?) and start back up when they go to school, but I often wonder how it will all take place…the thought of not being at home while my kids grow up scares me…but the thought of not working while I raise my kids scares me too…and I would love to say that my husband will be a stay at home dad…he would LOVE it…but it wouldn’t work financially…he will probably always make more than I do…
I agree with the introitus. In my Women & Media class, we have actually looked at TIME’s series (usually every 10 or so years) of “state of the American woman” articles, which began in the 70s. TIME is a boy’s club, with few women writers and a thinly veiled patriarchal point of view. There’s been a well documented backlash from the mainstream media against feminism, and one of the ways that manifests itself is by saying, “Women can’t have it all - look, they try, and they aren’t happy.” I don’t think you can say that women entering the workforce has caused unhappiness (especially with TIME’s dubious reporting). I just think the choices of women are complicated and have further reaching implications than men’s, often times, and that’s tough. Which is why we should support each other no matter our choices, realizing that we are adding to the problem when we criticize women. Instead, we should criticize our unequal culture in which women are expected to “do it all”.
@daniellemybelle: you are a very wise woman! No matter what the topic you are always able to add something new and interesting to the discussion. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your posts and your ability to make a point while avoiding snarkiness!
This is a really interesting thread, that I truly enjoyed reading. Like many of you this is something that I struggle with. The point that daniellemybelle made about avoiding stereotyping and simple conclusions is important. X + Y does not always equal Z, especially with issues this complicated! Because of this we need to all accept that our personal choice is probably not the best for others, we should simply strive to support each other.
I have a friend who studies women that are high-ranked corporate executives, and who choose to drop out of the working world for a number of reasons. From hearing her research, one factor that affects women’s overall satisfaction is the ever present glass ceiling at work. It’s not just gender inequality at home — you have to deal with discrimination, lower salaries for the same work, inflexible family policy, and so on when you go into the workplace. The whole system makes it very difficult to be a working woman — let alone a working woman with a family! So for some women, it makes sense to leave all of that and spend time with their kids.
I find this so fascinating because it means that although we really need professional woman to be role models and mentors — to restructure the system, make it more fair for everyone — the system makes it so difficult for them to stay that they actually have incentives NOT to work!
I agree that it’s really tough to make decisions about childcare. It has never been my sole dream to be a mom. There are lots of other things I’d like to do…including working for gender equality in education all over the world one day. I think we need to respect whatever choices women make AND keep working to ensure that these choices come from a place of education and empowerment. Personally, I had a SAHM and my husbands mom was a CEO. Both of us turned out fine. There are lots of trade-offs involved and you can’t do it all, just as men who work can’t also be the primary caretaker at home. But this doesn’t mean you can’t find a balance that fulfills you.
@daniellemybelle: I whole-heartedly agree with you, and I just wanted to say that this post was not meant to be presented as a “this is the ultimate truth and I can prove it” rant. It was simply my reaction to an article that I read over breakfast
i think some women might be unhappy BECAUSE they work all day to come home to keep working. i’d be unhappy to if i were busting my butt from 8-5 or 6 pm to come home only to need to cook, clean, give the kids a bath, get everything ready for the next day, and then have to be the supportive wife. that’s tough business!
but i think the ultimate decision depends on the family and it isn’t anyone’s right to say whether one way is the right way or not. it wasn’t financially viable for either parent to stay at home with us kids growing up and even when my mom was working 2 jobs to help my dad out [the army does not pay well unless you're a top ranking official] they both were active in our lives. and we turned out pretty well.
i’m not sure what i would want to do when the boy and i begin our family. but i have seen top women executives at my company balance work and home life fairly well so i’d like to think i’ll be able to find that balance for my family as well. if that means one of us stays at home, more power to us, but if it turns out we both end up working, we’ll make it work. tim gunn style.
I love my career…but I also want children. We could afford to have only FI working, but when we return to Canada in 10 years or so, I will be the primary breadwinner (since I’m the native speaker, Canadian citizen, and have more connections in Canada). If I stop working, there will be an enormous gap in my resume + the fact that I will have most of my work experience overseas which Canada still does not understand or accept.
However, I also have the added burden that in Korea it is still very very common for women to be fired or pushed out of their job once they have a baby. I work for a Confucian university, I’m a contract worker, and I’m a foreigner, so I’m not sure if I will actually even have a job after I have a baby.
FI works 14 hours minimum every day, so it’s not like I will have a partner who is able to share a lot of the childcare burden.
Despite all this…I want a baby. So it will be interesting to see how I manage to balance all of those things….
Interesting discussion. I remember chatting with my best friend when she was on maternity leave and trying decide what to do in terms of returning to work. I’m not a social scientist but I shared with her my casual observation in that our group of 30 family friends that grew up together, half had a stay-at-home parent and half had two employed parents and we all turned out fine. It seems to me the single biggest correlation to our happiness and confidence as adults was the happiness and confidence of our parents and not so much whether both parents were employed outside of the home or not.
I think what’s really important is being on the same page with your partner on these issues to figure out what works for you as a family.
I don’t see kids in our future for a long, long time. Maybe not ever. But I’ll always make more money than him once I start working in the real world and he’s teaching. We’re okay with it. Especially the next few years while he’s in school- I’ll be supporting us and he’ll do alot of the housework. I’ll still cook, though, since I’m better at it. But as far as laundry and cleaning, it’ll be all him.
I wish this didn’t so often get described as an “either/or choice”–have a career, or give your children a “storybook childhood.” I had a mother who stayed home with us, and my childhood was far from “storybook.” Among other things, my mother ended up being so financially dependent on my father that she was not in a position to leave him, even though he was an alcoholic who was molesting us. Instead, she took her resentment out on her children.
No, I don’t think this describes all SAHMs. But parents (mothers AND fathers) have to realize that there is no perfect system for rearing children. Staying at home does not guarantee your children a happy childhood, and having a career does not cause them to be axe murderers.
As for me, I went back to work when each of my children was three weeks old. The children are now happy, healthy, and productive adults.
very interesting article - it makes sense. My parents were never well off enough to rely on one income stream, but when I was three, my mother came up with a solution. She started running a daycare in our home! I don’t know what it’s like in the states, but in Canada, you get legally certified, have random inspector visits, register for children limits, and have safety inspections on things like backyards.
She loves it. It allowed her to stay at home with me, and is very rewarding. Families often send their new children to her because their older children went through her care, and she gets to know the kids and the families, and watch them grow.
This might be a great option for some of you, especially those that are teachers. As a child, I loved it because I always had friends to play with, but had the ability to go to my bedroom for some downtime if I wanted. It was especially awesome as I got older and went off to school, and had the chance to bring home lots of ‘play dates’. And my mom was always organizing field trips and crafts for us.
@eholden- Thank you! I try
@Tia- In addition to the glass ceiling, there is the issue of women between 30-40 years old leaving the workforce to raise their children, and therefore there being a huge lack of female mentors in the workplace for younger women. Younger women trying to move up in their industry often don’t have older women to look to for guidance the way men do, because those women are raising their families.
@Miss Pudding- I understand! I was just bringing some context to the conversation, hopefully it was helpful.
@Tea- Someone else mentioned “The Second Shift”, and you’re right, this is a huge problem. If there was a more equal division of labor in households, I think women would be happier in their careers and home lives.
I think a couple has to do what is right for them. Both my parents worked but in careers that allowed them flexibility. I never felt like my parents loved me any less or had any less time for me because they were not stay at home. I was in day care, sports, with other kids. I loved my child hood and was experienced a lot of things. My FI and I both chose career paths that allow us to both work but maintain flexibility with a home life if we choose to have children. I made the decision to not work a firm life so that I would have more time to devote to family. I doubt I would stay at home. Just not me. In fact a lot of women in my family dont stay at home. The few that do maintain many outside activities outside of their children so that they can still have time to themselves.
I do not think that it is a right or wrong answer to decide how you raise your children, the same what that there is no right or wrong to how to maintain your marriage. One is not better than the other. Someone will always find fault in whatever you do. Do whatever you feel is right for your family but dont judge others for the choices they made. One is not necessarily better than another. We all know children that grew up in many different households who are successful and great loving people, and others who are destructive to themselves in society (I know I have stories about individuals that grew up in households that were stay at home, parent worked, rich, poor etc… and these adults still ended up making decisions that upset their parents).
I find it upsetting when women judge other women for the choices they make. You are not in people’s bedrooms, or kitchens, or offices. Just raise your children in a manner consistent with you and your FI beliefs and move on from there. There is no place for judging.
@Mrs. Dee to Be: Amen! Both my calling as a minister and our plans to have children are important to me… we’ll see how it works out. My church may just have to deal with babies in the office 
I haven’t seen you around the hive before… are you a seminarian?
Thanks for this post!! Both my parents worked, but my dad worked swing shift (a different shift every week, then off every 4th week) so it was kinda like having a part time stay at home dad. And my grandma took great care of us, so we were never without family. If we missed our mom we could always just hop on the bus and go see her, cuz her boss loved us. We used to go there after school and “help” them work til it was time to go home (she’s a nurse, and at the time we only had one car - ahhh the good ol days).
Hubby and I don’t know what we’re going to do - I haven’t found a career yet, and until I do we’re not sure who will stay home. Luckily we still have a few years to figure it out, but I’m hoping that I can find a telecommuting job at least a couple days a week and make enough money that he only has to work part time so we can stagger our time at home with the kiddos so we both don’t have to miss out on the kids and a career
I know I’m late to the party here, but I can’t help but wonder if the “life dissatisfaction” (or unhappiness, as it’s sometimes described) is related to having to choose between the two obvious options: SAH or outside career. Choosing sucks, and you can’t help but look at the option you didn’t choose and wonder… especially when things are hard or frustrating.
Men’s choices aren’t as black and white or as permanent, I don’t think. They’re not thinking: should I stay home with my kids? They’re thinking: should I leave early to make it to the soccer game?
Rather than this big huge decision, I wonder if we’d be better served by deciding what kind of parents we want to be, then figuring out the details from there. I want to be involved in teaching my child, like my mom was with us, and I’ve always been a little freaked out that I’d have to find a way to SAH to do that. My neighbor’s baby is a year old, though, and his daycare experience has been wonderful — enriching, well-managed, and happy. His parents are all his for the hours they’re home together, and I often wonder if that’s a more important distinction than where the parent spends his or her day: are they fully present and happy when they’re home?
So I don’t know. I’m the breadwinner, so SAH would require some significant concessions by both of us, trade-offs we’d be willing to make if we were certain that ME staying home would be the best option. I capitalize “me” because that’s the other factor we sometimes gloss over. It’s not about the general concept of staying at home. It’s about YOU staying at home. Are you the kind of person that would thrive in that environment? Would you love it, enjoy it, have a great time? These are important questions! (and I don’t have answers for myself yet)
I want my children to spend their days with people who love spending their days with children, and I think it’s okay to love your kids and accept that spending your whole day with them every day isn’t your thing. Better a really fantastic caretaker for a few hours a day than a grumpy mom all day, in my opinion.
I have some thinking to do….
I plan to be a SAHM when the time comes, because that’s what works best for us in our situation. My plan is to stay home with the kids until they are old enough for school, and then do contract/project work part time from home while they are in school until they graduate. I’ve started to steer my professional life in that direction, and have made solid connections with consulting firms that would be a good source of project work if/when it happens I am ready for it.
As many previous posters have said, it’s what works best for you that is important, not trying to fit some preconceived notion of what the perfect wife and mother is. As this thread and many others on this topic have shown us, there isn’t even consensus on what that is anymore!
This is an interesting topic (and I don’t know that I have anything to add that hasn’t already been said being the 63rd commenter!) but, FWIW, I hope to be able to go part-time when the time comes for Mr. FF and I. We’ve discussed it, and while I would love to stay home full-time, my benefits at my job are too great to give up completely. Great post!
I find that women tend to get defensive about this topic, and that is not helping any of us. Working mom’s who bash SAHM’s seem to look at it as an affront to feminism. SAHM’s who bash working mom’s maybe find it (working) as an affront to women’s duty as mother.
To me the whole point of feminism was that we get to make choices now, instead of being forced into one role. Each woman should be able to choose for herself and her family what is best for them, to work or to stay at home, without other women (!!) judging them and assuming they know everything about their life.
If the working mom’s start bashing those women who choose to stay at home, isn’t that kind of contrary to what real feminism is working towards? We have the choice now, and each choice comes with sacrifices and compromise.
My mom worked the entire time my sisters and I were growing up, but my dad definitely helped out with the parenting (I would say 60/40). I have every intention of working while raising my children, because I am not happy when I am not working. And if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!
My husband is less ambitious than me carerr-wise, so he has said he is open to working from home (freelancing) and looking after our hypothetical kids. Or just being a full time stay at home dad. His mother stayed at home, so I think he looks at that role as fulfilling.
To say that a woman can’t put 100% to both her work and her kids is a double standard and should never have been an expectation in the first place. It works the same way for men. For a man to be a good father, he has to make some sacrifices in his career to be there for his kids. If he doesn’t want to make those sacrifices, you end up with the mom doing the lion’s share of the parenting. When a couple are working and are good parents, they are just more equally sharing both burdens instead of mom doing 100% parenting and dad doing 100% career.
Oh my goodness. I seriously think about something related to this topic about 10 times a day, and we don’t plan on having children for a while after we get married. Thanks for all the posts, it is wonderful seeing how many other women struggle with, and think about, these things.
It is definitely an issue that all of us have to conisder. I always thought growing up that I wanted to be a SAHM mom no matter what and technically we could make it work, but as I have gotten older I think working part-time is the best option for me. That way I get to spend more time with my kids than at work, but I still keep my foot in the door, keep certifications that take a couple of years to get, and get a few days of “adult time” so that I am refreshed and excited for my days at home. Luckily my company is very flexible for part-time work, I may have to take a step back or two (maybe back isn’t the right word but sideways) but that is a trade off that is ok for me. Hopefully my husband will be able to work out a schedule where he can be home the days I am at work.
I agree that it is all about what works for you and your family. The key is being honest with yourself about your limitations (working or not) and making a plan based on that.
@Mrs. Sea Breeze: I recently saw a study showing that the longer children are in daycare, the more disciplinary problems they have. Of all the childcare options, children with a stay at home parent have the least disciplinary problems.
It’s a hard issue. But I think I’ve always wanted to stay home with my (future) kids, and my husband and I have committed to living a modest and frugal lifestyle so that that can happen. For us, the stress of maintaining two full-time jobs, parenting our children, and doing all of the errands that come with running a home was too much — we would rather one of us was a stay-at-home parent and ran the household and one of us worked. We’re really happy with our decision.
I also think that one thing people neglect to talk about when discussing trade-offs is the loss that the mother has when working (not just the kids). My best friend works and has a toddler and she sayd that she literally cries every other day leaving home. She works because she has to, but she says she would stay home if she could…
I am looking forward to staying at home but have no intention of doing it full time. I want to work part time for sanity but still be around (and not tired) to cook dinner, help with homework, volunteer at school, etc…
@Talishazwi: I think that this is a good compromise…as a teacher, this is a possibility: I can work every other day, or maybe just mornings or afternoons!
I am so happy you posted about this– I am going through the exact same thing.
I am currently in teacher’s college, and I definitely LOVE teaching. I just finished my first practicum, and had such a wonderful experience.
Would I be able to leave teaching to be a stay-at-home mom? Would I be able to teach knowing that my child is with someone else?
I constantly think about this. I guess you are right, though, working part-time is an option for a teacher.
I don’t think the statistics are contradictory; just because people think that kids should have -a- parent who stays home, doesn’t mean they think it has to be the mom. Imo, I think that there really ought to be more acceptance for stay-at-home-dads. Some people are more suited towards being the breadwinner and others are more suited towards being the primary caregiver…more acceptance for stay at home dads would mean that whichever parent is more suited towards being the breadwinner can be without needing to feel guilty about not staying home. I know in our case my fiance would make a better, and happier, stay at home parent than I would. I don’t think that dads should be exempt from the dilemma about whether to work or stay at home.
@CienDragon: I totally agree! We actually have more friends where the dad stays home than the mom staying home. I’m fully supportive of SAHDs!
for you to imply that all stay at home moms will suffer the same tragic fate that your mother did is also extremely false and narrow minded.
I wonder why those terrible judgments that are laid on women who stay at home are not also applied to stay at home dads? And I wonder why those women who want their husbands to stay home, do not respond when someone writes about how much some woman she knows has expressed regret about having given up her career when younger. It seems that you should be saying either No I don’t believe that giving up your career leads to regret and unhappiness, or you should be saying Oh yes, I believe that therefore I will not allow my husband to stay at home. I don’t understand how we feel the need to frighten women away from staying home, while at the same time saying it’s wonderful for men. That won’t work.
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Miss Pudding, Greater Toronto Area/Vermont
Age and Occupation: 26, High School Teacher
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Computer Engineer
Engagement Date: August 2008
Wedding Date: July 2010
Venue: Catholic Ceremony, Cultural Hall Reception
About Me: Quite literally a citizen of the world, I was born in Poland, grew up in Canada, and now live in the beautiful state of Vermont. I love reading historical biographies, multi-tasking, teasing my hair, and, despite my height, wearing high heeled shoes. I am the ultimate klutz with an uncanny ability to put on a graceful front. Mr. Pudding and I have been dating for over six years, and are very excited to finally merge our (very large) families. We are planning a traditional Polish-Catholic wedding that is anything but predictable.
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