Weddingbee Blog
I was inspired by a board thread a couple of weeks ago to write a post about my living situation. For the last 2 months, Mr. Pudding and I have been living with his parents. Initially, we were planning on making this a short term situation, but are now thinking of staying until after our wedding in July.
I have always been 100% behind the idea of living with his family. Mr. Pudding, on the other hand, has been more hesitant.
When we lived apart, I lived with Tata Pudding, and Mr. P lived with his parents. It just didn’t make much sense for us to be renting two separate apartments, one in Ontario and one in Vermont, when we knew that our living situation was temporary. I was never ashamed of telling people that I lived with Mama Pudding, but I was extremely proud of the fact that I was able to pay off my student debt in a year and a half. Mr. P, however, has admitted to purposefully omitting his living situation from conversation for fear that he would be judged as a slacker. I think the fact that I have moved in puts even more pressure on him. He promised to provide for me if I moved here, and I think that he feels like he is not doing that as long as we are living with his parents.
In the Polish culture, it is very common for a young married couple to live with their parents.
Many households contain several generations. This is a simple way to help each other out: the grandparents provide shelter for the young couple, and in return, the young couple takes care of the grandparents as they age. It’s a loving way for families to work together.
It seems that in North America, this living situation is looked upon differently. Many people have the false belief that living with your parents means that you are either irresponsible or broke. This is not the case for us: we can afford an apartment, but want to buy a house. We want to be debt free, and are taking this opportunity to save as much money as possible. We are very, very lucky to have people who love us and want to help us. I know that not everyone is in the same boat.
I think that it is more mature to accept help when you need it, than to drown in your pride. I see many people our age bite off more than they can chew with school loans, mortgage payments, and credit card debt. We are sacrificing some luxuries to make sure that our life together is started on the right foot.
Another positive side of living with Mr. P’s family is the fact that you get to know your in laws very well! I really appreciate and love my new family, even though I still can’t call Mr. P’s parents by their first names. I hope that they won’t mind me calling them “mom” and “dad” after the wedding.
(photo by Mr. P’s Uncle Tom)
Anyone else in my boat? Do you live with your parents or in laws? How do you and your SO feel about it?
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We live with my parents too, and for much of our relationship (since we have been temporarily in each other’s countries every 3-6 months) we’ve lived with one set of parents or another (depending on the country).
however, now that we’re married… we’re pretty ready to get our own place. since Mr.D is FINALLY approved to work in the USA we’ll be moving out within a few months. 
@Mrs. D’orsay: Oh my goodness, D’orsay! That’s great news! Our plan is to move out as soon as I am able to work as well.
We live with his dad, and most days its great, other days the little comments get to me! We’re hoping to get into our own house soon, but in the mean time we’re working hard to pay down our debt as much as possible.
I currently live with my parents in order to pay off as much student debt as possible before we get married. Mr. Library lives in Boston while he finished his graduate degree. It’s a little strange telling people that I still live with my parents and I miss having the opportunity to live with Mr. Library, but Mother and Father Library are more than happy to have me and I am in a great place for wedding planning.
we both currently live at home. i wish i could at least move out and get my own place, which would make it easier for him to visit and stay longer so he can look for work out here, but since i’m in the middle of a career switch, i had to put the move on hold. but i’m thankful i am at home, as slightly embarassed as i occasionally get about it. makes my career switch A LOT easier to handle!
I have a different take on this situation- My mom lives with me. Circumstances in her life brought her to live with me almost 5 years ago. When Mr Pretzel and i get married- Mamma Pretzel will get her own place which I think she is definitely looking forward to.
It was actually a criteria when I was dating, any guy would have to be understanding and considerate of my living arrangement with my mom- thankfully Mr Pretzel has been awesome about it.
We currently live with his parents, and it went really well at first. But all it has managed to do is put a wall between my fiance and his mom. We will be moving in a week or two with my parents. Don’t know how that’ll work, but I’m guessing it’ll be a little better. Besides, my parents need help right now.
Great for you two. Mr. MB lived with his parents for a bit after college, he was able to put quite a bit away because of that and you two will be better off financially because of it.
My FI lived with his mom until this past summer, and while I am in grad school a few hours away, I live in the dorms as an RA to save rent. We managed to get through our entire relationship without either of us paying rent, and purchased a co-op this summer!
I think there is definitely a difference between the person who lives with his/her parents out of laziness or lack of direction, and the person who lives with their parents because they are trying to be financially responsible. It definitely makes running the household more of a team effort, which can be fun and helpful for everyone involved, rather than parents still caring for a grown child.
After I started dating FI, he moved to his mom’s house to save to buy a house. When my lease was up a few months before house-buying time, I moved in too.
If you go to the boards you’ll see how I feel about my FMIL (we just canceled our reception bc she backed out on her monetary contribution.) It was MISERABLE living with her. FI and I are planning on getting out of Indiana post-wedding because his family (mostly his mom) gets to him that badly (and to me too… makes me miss my mom!!!)
Glad it works for you!
Thankfully we were able to buy our own home and didn’t have to live with our parents. I would go NUTS if I had to live with my in-laws!
@kjpugs: I’m so sorry to hear that! That’s absolutely awful! I realize that we are very, very lucky to have such amazing families….they really are there for us 100%
What a great post! I agree it’s totally an American thing to have too much “pride” and to take anything from your parents once you are past a certain age isn’t right…I recently wrote a post about accepting money from my parents to help out with some bills and I received a lot of feedback from those who all have the mindset that accepting help from your parents isn’t right past a certain age (which I do understand the argument even though I don’t agree with it). My husband also believes this and gets upset when my mother tries to help us out. I’ve always been of the belief, though, that family is there to help you out - whether it’s parents helping their children (even adult children) or it’s children helping their parents.
We aren’t in the same situations (as far as living with parents) but I know that if it ever came down to it, I would totally allow my parents to move in and ‘tolerate’ if it had to be his…lol. I know though, that our families are totally different when it comes to supporting children and finances…my husband has never been financially supported by his parents since he moved out at 18 and yet mine really helped me stay on my feet until I moved in with Mr. JuneBride about 3 years ago. That’s just how my family is.
My father’s parents lived with my grandmother’s parents when they first got married…my grandmother and her parents were Polish as well. (making me like 25% or something…lol)
Anywhoo - really interesting post. Thanks!
I’m moving in with my fiance’s parents on January! They have an entire apartment in their basement and we will be living there together until our May 2011 wedding! I know it’s the best thing for us to do financially and for the moment. I’m 100% fine with it and know it’ll be fine, but I can’t help but be nervous about how different it will be. I’ve been living on my own for the past 2 1/2 years, so I sort of feel like I’m regressing…but finally being in the same place as my fiance will be worth it and make wedding planning much easier!
By the way - you look GORGEOUS in that picture! I love the bangs
See, I don’t think I could handle living with my in-laws. That would just drive me crazy. But I do think it’s a really responsible decision if you’re doing it to save money - good for you for doing what’s best for you guys!
I tried to live with my parents after college and it didn’t work out. My Mom couldn’t handle having me and my sister around and exploded at us constantly for no reason.
While my relationship with my Mom has dramatically improved over the 5 years I’ve been on my own, (although when I go home, she is still super-anxious about when I’m going to leave), my financial situation is taking a long time to grow roots. I don’t have any debt and since I live in NYC don’t have car payments, but it is very hard to save any money when you have to pay all of your living expenses like rent, utilities, cable, transportation, food, etc. So I wish I was fortunate enough to be able to stay with parents or a relative, but that’s just not a reality for me.
This is something FI and I have thought/joked about…we are both hoping to one day buy a house, but find it so hard to save extra money with rent and all the expenses that come with it. We always say well we could always move in with your mom to save $. But, both of us have grown so used to it just being the two of us. We don’t know if we could handle living with family right now.
we both live with our parents. it’s just better for us financially to stay at home and save money. besides, why not just wait until we’re married. it makes life easier for us
I’m currently living with my parents until the wedding. I don’t have any problems with it and I enjoy saving money
I lived with my grandmother for four years after college and grad school. It helped me tremendously and greatly helped her to be able to be in her own home far longer than would have otherwise been possible. I than owned my own condo for eight and half years. I sold it three days before we got married and I moved into FI’s condo the week before the wedding. He stayed with his parents that week. It’s been an adjustment living together and I feel like I’ve regressed a bit since I no longer own my own place.
We both lived with our parents before we got married and now we live with his mom. Our place is in the construction phase and was supposed to be completed 2 months ago and it might be another 2 months before it is finish. We are grateful because we are saving $$ every month.
Living with my parents or his mom would be horrific. Living with his dad and stepmom wouldn’t be so bad because they sort of all do what they want in that house, it would be more relaxed. Unless the situation is dire there is no way I’d be moving back in with any of the parents! I’ve lived outside a parental house for almost 7 years and couldn’t go back. But I still love them all!
I couldn’t do it, personally. We need our privacy, and although I love his parents and my mom, I know that I would be driven crazy in a matter of days if I had to live under the same roof as either of them! I think you guys are making a very smart decision, though. I know all about biting off more than I can chew with student debt.
I couldn’t imagine living with either set of parents as newlyweds. My FILs are wonderful… but I can only handle them in small doses! lol our relationship is good right now b/c we have that separation
I admire your take on your situation. I wish we could spend a year or two paying off my student debt. I think he has a bigger issue with being able to live at home again at 25. I’m actually okay with it and think it would be worth the sacrifice for a little bit.
I’m with you 100% on everything you said. Don’t let the naysayers get you down.
I haven’t lived with my parents for a long time now, but I know if we ever had to, either one of our families would be happy to take us in. It would probably be a bit tough for me to move back, but I would definitely do it if it made sense.
When Mr. T and I first started dating he had already graduated college, had a full time job, and had recently moved back in with his parents. I never once had a problem with it, because it didn’t make sense for him to be wasting money on rent in the same town as his parents when they were more than happy to have him at home. I loved that I got to spend so much time with his parents and brothers and I really got to know them well. I think when you have the opportunity, and don’t mind living with your parents, its a great idea to save money.
Mr. KM moved back home to save up money and because it was silly for him to have his own apartment when the parents live here. I have my own apartment, but we can’t live together. People get weird about the fact that he lives with his parents right now, but it doesn’t bother me.
we lived on our own for just over a year after we got married, and then we decided to move in to a 2 bedroom apartment with a roommate - one of our close friends from college. she was looking for an inexpensive place to live, and we were looking to cut costs in order to save for a house more quickly.
it’s not living with family, but i still feel weird sometimes admitting we have a roommate - i feel like some people assume that we can’t afford to be on our own so we had to get a roommate, which isn’t the case. we had our year on our own, which was wonderful, and now we’re enjoying having one of our good friends around. and we will soon (hopefully) get to move to a house of our own, which will be wonderful!! we’re thinking about dragging the roommate along until we have kids though… it’s so nice splitting costs.
Aww I think that is so cool! I love that your family is so close and supportive!
We will be moving from VA to FL right before the wedding, so it is possible that we won’t have a place to live right away. We’re trying to figure out the living situation if that is the case! Thankfully, both sets of parents are more than willing to open their homes to us…actually, they might fight over it a bit if this is the case! I love that our families are so supportive/understanding of our situation.
It’s so great that you guys are able to do this, especially since it’s such a money saver!
Your post just made me feel so much better about what my fiancé and I might have to do!
At the moment, we’re both living with our respective parents, and have no plans to live together before we get married. It’s not that we don’t want to, but at the moment, I’m [mostly] unemployed so between saving for a wedding, paying off student loans, and making sure we have enough money to start a life together, it didn’t make much sense.
My mother is totally on board with me living with her and has even offered to house my fiancé and I after we get married so we can save even more money. I was skeptical about taking her up on it because, as you said, I didn’t want to seem like a slacker or broke, but you definitely just made me feel a million times better about saying yes. Thank you thank you thank you.
@Miss Sox in the City: I am so glad that I have helped! I think that you are making a good decision!
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Miss Pudding, Greater Toronto Area/Vermont
Age and Occupation: 26, High School Teacher
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Computer Engineer
Engagement Date: August 2008
Wedding Date: July 2010
Venue: Catholic Ceremony, Cultural Hall Reception
About Me: Quite literally a citizen of the world, I was born in Poland, grew up in Canada, and now live in the beautiful state of Vermont. I love reading historical biographies, multi-tasking, teasing my hair, and, despite my height, wearing high heeled shoes. I am the ultimate klutz with an uncanny ability to put on a graceful front. Mr. Pudding and I have been dating for over six years, and are very excited to finally merge our (very large) families. We are planning a traditional Polish-Catholic wedding that is anything but predictable.
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