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The nine months that Mr. DD and I were engaged were quite the time of transition for me. For one thing, I had a few identity-related issues surrounding getting married that I needed to deal with.
But I thought I was done with transitioning by the time our wedding day rolled around. Marriage wasn’t really supposed to change anything, right? Weren’t we already in a committed relationship? Wasn’t marriage just a public declaration of things we had already said in private and had felt for a long time?
Yeah, as with all things wedding, things didn’t really turn out that way.
We got married, and sometimes I am just dumbfounded by how that changed things for me. Maybe it was the amazing experience of saying our vows in front of our family and friends, maybe it was the extraordinary effort it seemed to take to get there, but things really do feel different post-wedding. I feel more of a lot of things. More connected. More permanent. More of a team. And it’s not that we weren’t any of those things before the wedding. It’s not that our relationship meant less to me. But we’re a family unit now, and that’s something we chose to be. It’s thrilling and confusing all at the same time. I loved our relationship before, but I love it more now.
No, this doesn’t mean that marriage is easy or that life is all hearts and flowers now. Being married can be complicated. There’s this other person you need to consider all the time. Sometimes other people interact with you differently just because you’re married. And sometimes there are family issues to deal with. But… I love that Mr. DD is my husband, and I love being his wife.
Although, I must say, wife is still not a word that sounds like it refers to me…
Whether you’re pre-wedding or post-wedding, what are your thoughts on marriage? Do you think it changes things?
I am glad to hear from you Mrs Dewdrop! I felt the same way after getting married, I felt like our partnership was amplified somehow. I felt that “us” was more intense and real.
My husband and I still call each other “husband” and “wife” because we both find it so amusing, and I think we’re trying to get used to the concept still!
I feel that the joining of families has become so much more substantial. Our relationship still has a sameness, but everyone else is so excited for us and being even more familial with us.
I don’t feel any different, except i love him more. And I guess I do feel like we belong to a secret club that no one else does (99% of our friends aren’t married). It feels more permanent than before, but honestly most of the time I forget that we’re even married…
A year after our wedding, we both agree that our relationship has changed for the better. It is– as you said– more. More security. More permanence. This may sound strange, but even though I was already an adult living on my own in the city for years, It solidified that truly is my home. That my parents’ house, is just that– my parents’ house. As long as we’re together, we’re with our family, you know.
Aww, a sweet post. I think it will change for us. Even though we live together. I just imagine the connection I feel to him will be different. I felt a difference even when we were engaged.
Absolutely, it changed things for me. I feel so secure now — not that I doubted him before; I doubted me.
OMG, I SO needed to hear this. I’m taking a day off of work today to pack (moving into his place this weekend) because I procrastinated all Thanksgiving weekend. I’m excited about moving forward in our relationship but a part of me is sad about giving up the only place that was just mine (no roommates!) and worried about how we are going to adjust (he hasn’t had a roommate in 10 years) to sharing a (small) space. I’m stressed that all my clothes/shoes/purses won’t fit and he’ll be annoyed at the clutter. I’m wondering if his OCD fussiness will drive me up a wall or my method-to-my-madness messiness will drive him batty. I’m wondering about my friendships with my suburban 2.5 kids friends and my single on-the-prowl friends. I’m wondering if I’ll get used to his parents’ quirks. I’m wondering if he’ll get used to all my parents’ quirks. I’m freaked out that I trust him so much that I actually sleep more soundly when we are together. You are SO right — no one tells you all this. I am just hoping that we’ll both recognize any transition bumps are normal growing pains in a serious relationship and we’ll settle into it. I do think he is an amazing partner and we laugh a lot so I think I just need to relax!! I’m so happy to hear that things are going wonderfully for you.
It is so nice to hear what I have been thinking come out of someone else’s mouth (or fingers!). When Mr. Library and I got engaged, my other engaged friends were all about the hearts and flowers. “Life will always be perfect!” or “I am so happy every moment of the day!” It is a change that’s very big in my life, and while I am glad that we are making it together, it still feels very personal. I think talking about it has made us stronger as a couple and as individuals. We know more about who we are and who we want to be - together. Thank you for sharing!
I’m so glad you wrote this. It is so easy to get wrapped up in to the wedding aspect -and i’m not criticizing b/c I am there too- and not really think about what getting married means or how things will change or if you believe they will change.
Right now, it seems like a wedding is an event we will have stressed over and tried to have pleased as many people as possible without breaking the bank. Our marriage, however, is the commitment the two of us are making to one another. It’s not the dress, the food, the venue, or who showed up to see it all. While I couldn’t quite give up wanting all the wedding stuff, we’ve also put time and effort aside to making the marriage part be the most memorable and important.
I think it will definintely change things with us. We’ll finally get to live together, for one. For two, we’ll have to make decisions collectively. We do that ALOT now, but not nearly as much as we will. Like where to move to. That’s a big one, and it’s a decisions I’m scared of.
well said Mrs. DD. It def. feels more concrete and committed. totally agree. 
Such a sweet post - I’m glad to hear you did feel differently after the wedding.
Thank you so much for articulating what I have been trying to say for the last 6 month! I love my husband more and more each day. I feel more committed to him — and more secure in our relationship — than ever. I didn’t think marriage would change our relationship all that much, but it has had a profound effect. Like you said, we’re in this together now. We’re a family.
Marriage isnt easy but it is worth it. Dont give up after the first fight. ALso dont get married because this is the first person you connected with. Make sure before you decide to spend the REST of your life with this person.
Yeah, I agree for the most part. I do feel a bit different now that we’re married. But after living together for 3 years, our lives didn’t change at all after the wedding. It’s more that feeling of permanence that you were talking about. I still don’t feel like a “wife” either!
I’m w/ you on the wife not sounding like a word that refers to you - I feel the same way!
Glad to hear that I’m not the only one feeling this way.
@mskalinin: We call each other “husband” and “wife” a lot too. It sometimes seems really strange that we’ve gotten to a point where we can legitimately refer to each other with those words!
@sf_carrie: Your comment made me laugh because I would be thinking exactly the same things if I were you. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that it takes time to feel comfortable with change, even if it’s a change you’re excited about. Well, most of the time I think I’m coming to terms with it… Hope your move went well!
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Miss Dew Drop, San Francisco Age and Occupation: 31, Attorney Fiance's Age and Occupation: 35, Managerial Type at an Internet Company Engagement Date: December 12, 2008 Wedding Date: September 2009 Venue: Ralston Hall Mansion About Me: I'm a food-and-baking-obsessed, occasionally sword wielding Bay Area native who is quickly becoming overwhelmed with planning a wedding and opening a law practice at the same time. (Brilliant move, that one.) I love reading, online shopping, ice cream, my Macbook, Bollywood movies, hoodies, the UCLA Bruins, and of course, Mr. Dew Drop.
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