Weddingbee Blog

I love this topic! I certainly love my fiance….I love him so much that sometimes I feel like my heart will explode when he does something so incredibly loveable. But I also love the life we’ll have together. I want a partner in life. I want to have someone to feel things with. And I want a family eventually. I want to travel. I want to move around while we’re young. I want to read in bed every night. I want to learn new languages. I want to be (mostly) financially stable. I want to talk about our days…and I want to know that, because we’re both educated and intellectual, that those talks will be interesting. And, yes…stability is something I seek. I don’t mean financial stability (though being part of a 2-income household certainly helps with that kind of stability, as well, and I do think that finances play a part in the health of a couple)…But mostly I’m talking about emotional stability. I didn’t have that growing up. So, while I love him A LOT, I’m not marrying him because I love him. Or, at least, it’s not the main reason.

No problem, Puddin! Don’t get me wrong, I know couples who are marrying simply because they are googly, desperately in love with each other. (googly? really?) And that might work for them. But one of the reasons I love my guy the most was because it was the first time I DIDN’T feel desperately in love with someone. I was comfortably and securely in love. I didn’t panic when we fought. I wasn’t worried I would screw things up because I knew that, when I did screw up (because I’m human), he would work through the issue with me. And vice versa. Sigh….

Interesting topic. I have to say I am “googly, desperately in love” with my fiance… However, part of what makes me feel this way is that we are so comfortable dealing with real life together. We have similar life goals, and respectfully come to a compromise when they differ. We have similar levels of education. We both aspire to reach a level of financial security, and have discussed what we need to do to make it happen. I’m crazy in love with him - but our compatibility in more practical matters is the fuel that lights the fire!

Love this post Miss Pudding…and kudos to you for addressing some of the big subjects! I like reading these thoughtful & down-to-earth posts. I definitely think love is the biggest thing. But for lifetime commitment it’s not just about affection, friendship, and passion…I knew that I also wanted my husband to be someone I could be proud of. For me this is a question of character and values. My husband is educated and financially stable but even if he weren’t, I’d want him to be intellectually curious, open-minded, responsible, mature, and caring. At the end of the day, I know that these qualities in him are what will enable me to respect him, help us to face major life challenges successfully, and allow us to grow as individuals in our relationship. Of course all of these things make me love him more! And I do feel “googly” when he walks in the door. :~) But I know that is partly a factor of being newly wed and having no kids…later on, when we have less time to enjoy the romance, the other qualities are going to come into play.

Thx, Ms. P. One thing I love about weddingbee is how positive and upbeat it is. I don’t know if anyone ever goes to indiebride, but they’ve got more posts on “second thoughts” and “anxiety” than they do on picking out flowers. Most days, I want to look at flower options. Thinking about marriage, itself, when you do it honestly, is more sobering.
To be sure, what was enough for our grandparents, even some of our parents, may not be enough for us. Marriage is different, now. What is considered “feminine” and “masculine” is different. At some point a guy was masculine if he had brute strength, and today masculinity may be exemplified to many women in the form of a briefcase and the ability to sustain a meaningful relationship. Either way it’s about mutual support. We are animals, after all, and we mate for life essentially for reproductive purposes, so we look for - and stay with - good breeding partners. At some point in history, it mattered not at all whether love was involved so long as the man brought home the bacon so we could feed our young. These days, we don’t just need financial security, we also need emotional support because we’re out there in the world bringing in resources, as well. Further, the role of “father” has changed dramatically, and many of us want a sensitive guy playing that part. Partnership in the home, sharing responsibilities equally, comfort, LOVE - all are essential to many of us in this new era. I don’t mean to shake down the romance to science, since many couples will never choose to have children, but there’s a reason why human societies the world over mate for life and have throughout history, and it can be traced back to our cavemen ancestors, and the basic animal instinct to reproduce. As it so happens, I love my fiance so much that sometimes I find myself aching for confirmation of an afterlife, because there don’t seem to be enough days in this life for how much love I have for him. However, seeing my parents’ marriage fall apart because my mom was exhausted from pulling “the second shift” for a lifetime taught me that love isn’t enough. Of course, even in that circumstance, love was semantically all tangled up in it. Like, if you loved me, you would help me to take care of our children… My goodness I’m long-winded, and probably preaching to the choir anyway. Everyone here is hopefully already in-love, and the mere possibility of a marriage without love is a non-starter.