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I feel the need to explain a little more thoroughly about the role that my religious beliefs played in Runaway Bride, Parts I and II.
You already know that I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder about a year before our wedding. It was a huge step for me to recognize that most of the time, what I was feeling was anxiety based in physiology and not much else.
Many types of modern Christian thinking put a lot of emphasis on “experiencing God” — letting spirituality touch our emotions. That’s not a bad thing. I’ve had some beautiful spiritual-emotional experiences.
But too often, even after my diagnosis, I’ve let my tendency toward anxiety and emotions overtake my more rational side. At times, I’ve wrongly believed what I was feeling was what some Christians would call “the leading of the Holy Spirit,” when in fact, what was going on was nothing more than wishful thinking or just plain old cold feet.
I don’t believe that the pastor’s message on Father’s Day Sunday and Mr. Bunny’s absence from church was a sign from God that we weren’t meant to be together. It just was an incident that reinforced one of the fears I had about our relationship. I gave that fear too much power — so much that I believed it was from God.
This quote from the book Julie of the Wolves has stuck with me through the years, and I’ve given it far too much weight in my life:
When fear seizes, change what you are doing. You are doing something wrong.
I disagree. Feeling afraid doesn’t necessarily mean you are doing something wrong. Feeling afraid means you are feeling afraid. Running from whatever it is you are afraid of isn’t necessarily the answer. Sometimes, the solution instead is to drain fear of its power by acknowledging it, confronting it head on, and analyzing it.
Talking to Mr. Bunny, hearing his response to my concerns, seeing how sensitive he was to me — these things were all enough to calm my heart and helped me know that Mr. B would be a willing partner as we worked on our relationship with God and with each other in the coming years.
There’s not much more I can say on the subject. It all comes down to your personal beliefs about God and psychology. I can only tell you my own experience and let you know that not once since Mr. Bunny and I got married have I questioned whether I made the right choice. I love him more and more every day, and I’m convinced that I’m right in the center of where God wants me to be.
The only way I know of to overcome a phobia is to face what you are afraid of. It would be severely limiting to stay indoors all the time because you are agoraphobic, or never to travel only because you are afraid of flying. I’m just going to say Jean Craighead George is just plain old WRONG.
I’m glad you were able to work through this! 
Good for you for having the strength to stand up for what you believe in. I’m a firm believer in the fact that all relationships require hard work. Love is wonderful, but it takes WORK to make love grow and to build a life together.
Congrats to you for having the guts to stand up and say “I’m feeling this way and I need help or it’s not going to work.”
Congrats to Mr. Bunny for having the guts to hear that and say “I love you, I’m sorry and I’m here for you.”
Those are the true signs of real love.
Thank you for such honest posts Mrs Bunny. Sometimes I think everyone struggles to get that rational side out. I just remind myself no one is perfect, not my fiance and certainly not myself. God knows this and loves us anyway.
As my God-Father (and also the Monsignor marrying us) told me, when you perform the sacrament of marriage you promise to love each other as God loves you, so I love my fiance even when he isn’t perfect - I just won’t smile at him
Thank you for your honesty Mrs. Bunny. I have been struggling with my anxiety since we have gotten engaged. I have to remind myself that it is fear, that I am okay and the Mister and I can make it.
Thank you again!
thanks bunny, for this very open post. i really like when you said “Feeling afraid means you are feeling afraid.” it doesn’t have to be more than that. we don’t have to try and rationalize/justify our fear, which gives that fear more power over us–we have to call it like it is.
Uh… that quotation seems to agree with you. She’s not saying that feeling fear is wrong, only that you shouldn’t let it overwhelm you… just like you did when you handed that ring back to Mr. Bunny.
Instead you took the power back, “changed what you were doing,” and worked through it with your fiance rather than letting the fear make the choice for you.
Admittedly I wore out my copy of Julie of the Wolves growing up, so I’ll defend it to the death. 
I love the clarity with which you write. I think so many brides and people in general need to hear these things to know that they aren’t alone or wrong. It’s so great that you are sharing this, and thank you for it!
@Jo: You’re probably right about me misinterpreting the quote. I blame my childhood reading of the book for that. I love Julie of the Wolves, too. It’s a classic!
I have GAD as well, and have struggled with it (and linked depression) for most of my life. It’s true that one of the best things you can do is to accept your anxiety and just say “ok, I’m anxious,” rather than struggling against it (which seems to make it worse).
The difference for me between anxiety and fear is that I would consider myself to be an extremely brave person and I have no phobias to speak of. For me, fear is rational, but anxiety is irrational. It’s that heightened fight-or-flight for no good reason at all when I’m sitting at my desk working or trying to watch a movie on TV.
Mr. CP and I definitely had pre-marriage problems with my anxiety and depression. It was before we got engaged (probably after I asked him whether he was ever going to get around to it) that he sat me down and said that he loved me and it hurt him to see me suffering every day from panic and depression. He wanted me to get help and would support me getting help, but didn’t know if he could be with me for the rest of my life if I didn’t. It was too hard for him, and too unfair.
I’d seen psychs on and off for years and was terrified of taking meds (like it meant giving up, and accepting that I’d suffer some awful side effects), but I finally realized that I was at the point where I couldn’t even put in place any new coping mechanisms without outside intervention.
Thank goodness I took his advice and really started getting treatment! I don’t know if we’d be married today (or if I’d be happy and healthy today) if I hadn’t.
Last summer, I tapered off my meds to see if after 3 years I still needed them. I did… and yet, experiencing my anxiety again after being free of it for three years was a real blessing, because it just reinforced how AWFUL it was to feel that way. What always surprises me now is how ready I was to accept that as my reality without question… as if it was somehow normal to want to die every day because that’s all I ever remembered.
Anyway, thanks for this post… makes me remember a lot of our pre-marriage chats, and it makes me very glad for Mr. CP’s tender ultimatum.
@Mrs. Cherry Pie: Well said. I guess what I’m driving at is that I would always assume that my anxiety MEANT something. I looked for fears to blame the anxiety on. Does that make sense? And, of course, when you go looking for fear, you find it in spades. The fear, in turn, made the anxiety worse.
For any of you reading this who think you might have GAD … I second what Mrs. CP says about getting treatment. It’s made a HUGE difference for me, as well.
I love this recent series of posts, Mrs. Bunny! You have been so open and forthcoming with the Weddingbee readers.
Again - thank you so much! I struggled so often w/ the same thing - about my fear and anxiety feeling like it was ‘the leading of the Holy Spirit.’ I haven’t been diagnosed w/ GAD, but I recognize some of those tendencies in myself…and they have really come out since dating my fiance and being engaged. But thank you for writing. For a while I felt crazy and I must be nuts b/c you aren’t supposed to feel like this when you are in love, but it has helped me see that we all have our issues - and it doesn’t mean a relationship is wrong just b/c we have fears. Thank you!
Mrs. Bunny! Mad props to you for being so honest with us readers! I truly appreciate your honesty and sincerity. You have tons of courage.
Thank you, Miss Bunny. I know exactly the feeling you are describing. It’s nice to know that I am not the only one out there that likes to read (and misread) signs from God. I am a deep, deep believer in the fact that there is a path set out for each one of us.
Mrs. Bunny, your posts are so amazingly honest. Thank you so, so much for them! I’ve had symptoms of GAD the last few months that came out of NO WHERE and I’m still trying to figure out what to do with them.
Thanks for an amazing post, Mrs. Bunny. I had a friend who like you was very Catholic and struggled on and off about marrying her fiance, who was an atheist. In the end he was so incredibly wonderful that she overcame her worries about marrying out of the church. He has always been an amazing husband to her, and I don’t think she ever doubts her decision. I think it’s extremely normal to have that last ‘flight’ panic before getting married! Marriage is such a huge unknown. We are looking for reasons to make a decision one way or another, and sometimes it comes out both ways — as in, I’ll throw myself into this wedding and I (suddenly) think this man isn’t right for me. The mind works in such interesting ways!
The only way I know of to overcome a phobia is to face what you are afraid of.
I think this is the right way to slove the afraid.Be brave.
I too always look for something to “blame” my anxiety on…when in fact, it is just anxiety. Once I realized this, I had much a much healthier life & relationship. Mr. Q has stood by me while I sorted through all of my “stuff’ & I am so thankful for that
@Mrs. Quiche & @bunny: Yeah! I did the same thing for a long time. Before I realized that my anxiety wasn’t NORMAL, I was convinced that I could fix it if I just figured out what I was anxious about. The big problem was, of course, that I was anxious about everything… and nothing.
Wow, the hive sure is full of wonderful, strong women! Thanks, Bunny, for continually posting about sensitve, difficult things, and thanks to all the other bees and hive members who’ve acknowledged their anxiety! Sometimes when you experience things like anxiety, and you find that at times it’s running your life, you feel all alone - after reading for awhile on Weddingbee, it’s really nice to see that we’re actually not alone at all.
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Mrs. Bunny, Columbus Age and Occupation: 24, Associate Editor/Reporter Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Reporter Engagement Date: September 23, 2008 Wedding Date: July 2009 Venue: Everal Barn, Westerville About Me: Organized, but messy. I love art (all kinds). I don't have any secrets. I talk a lot and listen even more. I show love by baking. I'm timid by nature, but brave when it counts. Mr. Bunny and I work at competing weekly newspapers, which makes it a little interesting trying to describe our work joys and frustrations without giving away too much before the paper comes out. In spite of that little hurdle, we've managed to build a pretty solid relationship in the short one-and-a-half years we will have been together when we tie the knot. I can't wait!
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