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We’ve hit a road block. Wedding planning is easy when you’re trying to decide cake flavors or floral varieties (the things that feel important but that, ultimately, are not very), but it’s hard when you’re fighting your family. The details are kind of personal, but the problem is probably somewhat universal: we’re out of space on the guest list, and that’s making some family members pretty angry. When someone as close as a grandmother (or, more precisely, the only living grandparent either of us has) threatens not to attend the wedding over it,* it makes you rethink some things (and also makes lining envelopes feel pretty irrelevant).
I’ve struggled with writing this post because it does touch on some really personal issues, but I know that many of us have hit road blocks just like this… and in the happy happy world of wedding planning, sometimes some of us can benefit from knowing that we’re not alone when the people we love can’t meet our expectations, and that there are others sailing in the same boat. At least, I know I could benefit from it. 
I’m pretty lucky because it’s not affecting the most important thing:
Mr. Spaniel completely supports me in not allowing myself to get walked on or bullied, and even if some key people decide that it’s more important to stand up for my third cousins twice removed than for me, I’m still marrying the love of my life and will have the opportunity to create a healthier family than the one I grew up in. I am also lucky because I’ll be able to get back on track with the wedding part of the planning… just as soon as I get over the shock.
*Yes, this really happened. I am debating just inviting eleven extra people to keep the peace and letting the chips (or fire code violations and budget overages) fall where they may, or standing my ground because I think that it was a really, really low blow and I’m sure she’ll attend anyway (and if she won’t? That’s a lot of poison for one family event and maybe it’d be better if she didn’t).
Have you hit some bumps along the road when it comes to your extended family and wedding planning? Did you stand your ground or appease those around you?
Stand your ground. It’s your wedding. Tell her it would violate fire code and you would get in trouble to have more people. And then don’t listen to her anymore. And if she doesn’t come that’s her problem.
It’s amazing that people talk about brides being “bridezilla” when usually the bride is the one trying to put out the fires everywhere and make people happy. I’ve run into some crazy guest list problems too, since a distant part of my family will be have a reunion very close to where we live. There are some parts of that family I want there, but the rest, I really just don’t know well enough to invite.
We recently visited with my FI’s cousin once removed, who he hasn’t seen since for about 10 years, but hasn’t been closed to since he was about 15 y/o (he’s now 36). The reason we had to visit was because we were in the area and his father would have been upset otherwise, but he really wanted to see his second-cousin (her son). Towards the end of the visit, she says “I can’t wait to get an invitation.” There was an awkward pause and we just moved on.
Once in the car, he immediately says “man, do I have to invite her, and if I do, does that mean I have to invite her kids also?” We want to keep the wedding small and really with those family and friends that we see regularly and are currently close to. Aside from his boss, which was a very strategic move, there are no hallow invites - this would be one. And I said that from an etiquette standpoint, it would be improper to invite her and not the kids. Ugh… We are still discussing the matter and maybe we invite them and they can’t afford the airfare, but I don’t like being pressured to do something and neither does he (his dad already suggested two folks which we ignored, because it’s our wedding and we are paying for it and they weren’t family/close friends of ours (as opposed to his)).
We’ll see what happens, but if I were you, I’d stick to your guns. People really concerned about you would understand your plight and if they folks threaten not to come, really, they miss out because you’ll still have the day you’ll always remember and they will look foolish missing out on such a wonderful life event.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. My grandma has said that she won’t be attending, but it’s due to distance and her health not our guest list (yet). I’m still hoping that we’ll have someone from that generation represented at the wedding.
Anyone close to you that would boycot your wedding over a 3rd cousin you’re not close with, even if it’s a grandparent, needs to think long and hard about their decision. Don’t you worry yourself over the decisions of others because you can only control your own destiny. You will have a great day regardless of this, if you keep your mind right. Good luck!!
Stand your ground! You’re doing a great job, and don’t let anyone, even your Grandmother, bring you down. You’re absolutely right, think hard about whether you even want to deal with that toxicity on your wedding day. You obviously have a good head on your shoulders and you know what’s most important on your wedding day- marrying Mr. Spaniel. And Bravo for wanting to create a healthier familial environment for you and your future childrem. I like you Spaniel, I like you a lot.
all of my battles with my mother have been about a) inviting her cousins who i’ve never met and she is only now talking to because of facebook and b) having my cousins, who i’m on more of an acquaintance-level relationship with, in my wedding party.
i’ve lost both battles in order to keep peace. i feel like a mom may be a little bit more formidable than a grandmother… plus, their relationship to me is definitely closer than third cousins…
i realize that weddings are about family and that “blood is thicker than water”, but would these relatives invite your family to their wedding?? if your grandmother wants them there that badly, maybe she should offer to supplement some of the budget overages?
I ran into a very similar situation just a little over a month before our wedding this summer. Where my mom refused to contribute the remaining funds if first 1 then three couples she wanted to be invited weren’t. She even went so far as to invite 1 of the couples herself and make a color copy of the invitation!
We held our ground. I think this was really important to do. People get crazy leading up to weddings and the most important thing is to make a very clear signal you are starting your life with your spouse, your family parents/grandparents etc. aren’t going to be calling the shots in your marriage and you aren’t going to let them start now on your wedding day. Weddings really do set up the dynamics for interactions with family moving forward.
In the end, everything went fine over the wedding weekend and 3 months after the wedding my mom gave us the funds she had said she would contribute. I regret not being clearer about the guest list way in the beginning. But I am very glad that I made it very clear that my mom wasn’t going to get her way by threatening us. I really think this has made an impact on her respecting us as a couple since then. It sounds like you’ve got the right feeling about this. If you have a clear budget and space limit, and made it clear these folks weren’t going to be invited originally. I’d say send your grandmother a card asking for her support and saying you are looking forward to her presence, focus on what you need/want from her vs. these extra guests.
I think it’s good that you are standing your ground on this one and I am very happy that you have the love and support of your FH while doing it. Family dynamics are very hard to change, but they won’t ever change if we keep doing the same thing. ***HUG!***
Oh dear - yes, this is a hard one. Mr. Spaniel seems to be doing an awesome job of supporting you! I think that you should stand your ground. As many others have told me, you find out who really is on your side during a wedding.
My only extended family drama so far revolved around planning a date that was equal distance from a cousin’s wedding on his side and one on mine. While I can not relate to the family aspect, I can relate to having to deal with guests’ feeling of entitlement for being a guest at your wedding.
I am involved in guest drama surrounding those that feel entitled to have guests, specifically those in the wedding party that are not dating anyone seriously. This may be a bit Bridezilla but 1) Why would they want to invite someone who won’t know many people and will therefore require a fair amount of babysitting on their part conflicting with the bridal party duties and 2) I don’t really want a stand in BF or GF showing up in a ton of my wedding photos or even be a part of my memories of the day.
I have always felt that being invited to a wedding is an honor not an entitlement. Weddings are expensive, and guest lists need to be limited somewhere. Where has that feeling honor gone in today’s society?
Ugh, navigating the guest list is so tricky. Sorry you’ve had drama!
Oh Spaniel, I am having similar drama and I feel your stress, frustration, etc. I say let our relatives act as childish as they will and stay true to your plans!
in re: KA’s not wanting pictures of people that you don’t know, my hubby’s parents just had to invite their friends (a bunch of them too), and of course my wedding photographer don’t know who’s who, so I have a picture of a couple who I nor the hubby know in my pictures posing lovely for my photog
I’m sorry to hear about your trouble. My family apparently decided to start acting passive-aggressive and childish over Christmas, and I wasn’t even there. Apparently I was being inconsiderate for not sending a “save the date” to an uncle I’ve seen once in the last 15 years. (He was still going to get a formal invitation, I just didn’t send a save the date since he lives on the opposite coast and they never ever leave the state of Maryland). Then I was inconsiderate for not begging my cousin’s daughter to be a junior bridesmaid. (I said it would be OK but I didn’t formally beg and plead enough apparently). And it’s not even my mother that’s upset about it, she’s just the go-between with my aunt who considers herself the alpha female. It really upset me on Christmas morning but luckily fiance’s family are awesome and totally without baggage.
I’m sorry that you’ve had drama surrounding the guest list — and I’m sure that many people are in the same boat. We’ve hit a few bumps ourselves regarding the guest list (people adding to it after we’ve set a firm “NO MORE INVITES!” policy) and it’s frrustrating when people over-step boundaries. Hugs.
Stay strong, chica! You are doing the right thing by standing your ground - like all the other bees have said, it’s your day and you don’t want that negative energy throughout the rest of planning or the day of. Glad Mr. Spaniel is there supporting you, though! And I’m sure your grandmother will come around.
I’ll be running into this with my plan for a 100 person wedding … with a list of more than 100 aunts, uncles and first cousins to chop through… ugh!!
I am so sorry that you are going through this, but so happy to hear Mr. Spaniel is backing you up on the issue. Chances are my FI’s mom will not be invited to the wedding. She is an 85 year old spitfire who tends to stir up trouble wherever she goes. He and his brothers decided it would probably be best for everyone if she didn’t make the 8+ hour trip, and I really could only support their decision. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me sad though.
argh. thanks for sharing this–it is quite personal but you’re right, so many of us experience this and it’s good to talk about things like this. it’s like the ugly underbelly of wedding planning.
you have to do what’s right for you–whether it’s standing strong and not inviting the cousins fifteen times removed from you, or inviting some people just to keep the peace with family members. it’s a really tough call, but you’re handling it with grace and maturity.
This is one of the reasons I love Weddingbee so much. Thanks, everyone. 
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Mrs. Spaniel, Los Angeles Age and Occupation: 28, Law Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Psychologist Wedding Date: March 2010 Venue: Calamigos Ranch About Me: I'm a third-year law student trying to balance graduating with starting my career, keeping up a relationship, and, oh yeah, planning an Old World, multi-cultural, "mountain lodge" wedding for 180 guests! A South Asian Jewish girl getting ready to marry my handsome Catholic Dane, I'm hoping to blend our cultures in our wedding just a bit more gently than by providing samosas as appetizers and offering æbleskiver for dessert. (Although that would also be awesome.)
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