Weddingbee Blog

This week I found out some news about two friends of mine (a couple) that left me incredibly disappointed, and made me think about relationships, trust, and what it means to make a commitment to someone. My friends Jake & Sally *(names changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent) had been dating for 9 years. 9 years! When Mr. Guinea Pig and I will have known each other for 9 years we’ll have been married for 6.5 years already! Of course I say had been, because they broke up this weekend.

A little back story: Jake is one of the most straightforward, blunt, funny, hardworking guys I know. I knew him for 2.5 years without ever meeting Sally, because she was in the Peace Corps during that time. Even though she was 7,000 miles away, they made a commitment to stay together while she was gone, and Jake went over several times to vacation with Sally in Asia. In April, Sally came back from the Peace Corps and moved to Baltimore to be with Jake, at which point she and I became friends, as well. Things seemed to be going relatively fine as they got back into the swing of living in the same city (not to mention the same country, finally).

Then last week out of the blue, Sally got an email from a girl saying (I’m paraphrasing) ’Just wanted to let you know I had an emotional and physical affair with Jake from 2006 until earlier this year.’ Sally thought it was a joke - this girl said she lived on the opposite coast of Canada, for goodness sake… why would Jake have a long distance affair?!

It turns out, it was not a joke. The girl was upset that Jake had broken things off when Sally returned from abroad and was threatening him with emailing Sally if he didn’t break things off with her. Jake thought he had called Sally that night in time to tell her himself, but unfortunately he was too late. Sally was (and is still, of course) devastated. One week ago, I would have told you that Jake was one of the most honest people I knew. If you had me choose 10 friends I thought would cheat on their partner, Jake wouldn’t have been in the top 20.

It felt like a slap in the face and I wasn’t even dating him! How could this person that Mr. Guinea Pig (who is also friends with him through a sports league) and I trusted, respected and enjoyed spending time with be so dishonest to the most important person in his life for so long? The other girl even came to Baltimore to visit him (not that anyone ever saw/met her)! He went to the far reaches of Canada to visit her! They took trips to other cities together! This was no affair of convenience; she wasn’t even local. As I write this I realize I seem much too outraged at a relationship that isn’t even mine, but what I’m trying to get across is this: I thought Jake was like Mr. Guinea Pig. I would have put the same amount of trust in both of them, with regard to monogamy.

Mr. GP was not as surprised as I expected he would be when I told him the news. His response: “People do cheat, honey.” This made me even more angry! Yes, people cheat. Yes I understand that people I know, people I am friends with, can cheat. But Jake and Sally had been together for 9 years. They had come to an understanding that this was a lifelong commitment. To me, that is essentially marriage, and that is not something you mess with. Sally trusted Jake when he said he would never cheat on her (something he actually said to her face a week before she found out, making her feel awful for even bringing it up at the time). For 2 and a half years, Jake had the opportunity to say something - anything! - and break things off with Sally. He had the opportunity to say, “No,” to this other girl. He had so many chances to make things right, and he chose the least honest path. He said to Sally that he never would have told her because ’No one knew’. Uh - YOU knew, Jake! I’m struggling to explain clearly why it was so disappointing to discover all this, but I think I’ll just come out and say it bluntly. When I found out about Jake’s affair, I had a horrible thought: if Jake could do this, couldn’t Mr. Guinea Pig?

People always talk about how when they get married, they feel a sense of complete commitment from their partner. They feel like somehow ’making it legal’ is setting it in stone that if they were ever once worried their partner would cheat, now that person would never do so. Unfortunately, that is not true. Relationships are built on trust no matter your legal status, and if you have made a commitment to someone, you are responsible for upholding it. Affairs are not OK whether you are married, or not. (Gee, do you think I have a strong opinion about this?)

I am fortunate to say that I trust Mr. Guinea Pig completely. The moment that terrible question flitted through my head, I felt a calm come over me as I realized there was no way Mr. GP would ever do something so dishonest. We trust each other to be honest before we are married, and after we are married. Trust is incredibly important, and something you have to earn, but I also feel like it’s something you have to continually keep working on. I try to be conscious of showing Mr. Guinea Pig that I trust him, and that he has reason to trust me. In my opinion, this is an important part of any relationship, but is especially crucial in a marriage when you have made a lifelong commitment to work as a team and trust each others’ choices and decisions. Of course it won’t always be easy, but even though I had my fundamentals of trust rocked this week, I know that Mr. Guinea Pig and I are strong enough to always prove the trust we have in each other. And that makes me very happy.

Have you ever had a friend’s relationship make you examine your own? Do you share my strong opinion on cheating and trust? What do you think are the fundamentals in a relationship?