Walk With Me

Walk With Me

January 4th, 2010 @ 4:47 pm by Mrs. Pudding
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As you know, I am very much looking forward to this moment at our wedding:

Although the tradition of “giving the bride away” is considered incredibly outdated and very patriarchal, I think that the meaning behind the concept of a father walking his daughter down the aisle has changed in the last couple of decades. To me, it has become more of a symbol of parental support for the union, rather than a sign of male dominance.

Being a fairly traditional girl, I have always wanted my father to walk me down the aisle. Lately though, I have been questioning my resolve in following this custom. As you may have deduced, my parents are divorced: They separated about 5 years ago. Even though everyone in my family is better off because of it, this situation produces a very complicated set of wedding issues (and a whole mixed bag of mental ones, but that’s a story for another day).

Mainly, I am concerned about the fact that my father is not really representative of my family. He is definitely a part of it, but since he and my mother are no longer a unit, the “symbol of parental support” mentality that I have attached to the walk down the aisle doesn’t seem complete. I would never dream of taking this honour away from him, I just wish that there was a way to acknowledge the fact that my mother is behind our union (individually) as well. I’d love to have them both walk me down, but their relationship is not very friendly, and I feel like keeping them apart as much as possible is the best way to avoid unnecessary conflict.

Come to think of it, the tradition of the father-bride, mother-groom dance doesn’t really seem conducive for divorced families either: why should only one side be acknowledged?

Do any of you come from divorced families? What did you do to ensure that both parents felt like they played an equally important role on your day?

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40 Responses to “Walk With Me”

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Bee

Mrs. Mouse (message) 5,844 posts, Bee Keeper

How about your mom being with you while you get dressed? She can be supporting you pre-ceremony, and your dad can still walk you down the aisle.
Or, if the aisle is long enough, your mom can walk the first part and then hand you off to your dad (if that wouldn’t be too awkward?).

1/4/10 @ 4:50 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss French Fries (message) 2,218 posts, Buzzing bee

I think @Mrs. Mouse’s idea of the “hand off” is great! Something that honors both of them. Or, if you’re doing a unity candle, having your mom light yours?

1/4/10 @ 4:52 pm (reply)

Member

Candy_Nee (message) 1,407 posts, Bumble bee

Originally, I was going to have my bio dad walk me halfway, then be joined by my step-dad. And, Iwas going to have 2 father daughter dances. That way, everyone got equal representation.

1/4/10 @ 4:53 pm (reply)

Member

tea (message) 7,288 posts, Bee Keeper

there is always the option of walking down with both parents. i believe that’s customary in jewish weddings right? i am in love with walking down the aisle with my mom as well as my dad but she’s not so keen on the idea. why not float that as an option?

1/4/10 @ 4:55 pm (reply)

Member

honeybun (message) 1,783 posts, Buzzing bee

My parents are divorced and hate each other. But they will both be walking me down the aisle. Dad is only recently back in my life, but nothing like my mom has been and still is. I felt like if anything, SHE should be walking me and not him. But to avoid that drama, I decided to just ask her to walk me too. If they can’t behave long enough to walk me a few yards down the aisle…..well, they just better! LOL

1/4/10 @ 5:03 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Hamster (message) 4,046 posts, Honey bee

I also agree that Mouse’s hand-off idea would be quite lovely and symbolic, if both your mom and dad are agreeable to it!

1/4/10 @ 5:03 pm (reply)

Member

Champagne Wishes (message) 1,187 posts, Bumble bee

My parents are divorced as well and are far from friendly. My younger brother will be walking me down the aisle where we will meet my mom and dad. When the minister asks “who presents this woman in marriage?”, my brother will say “our parents and I do”.
You would need a brother but could you do something like that?

1/4/10 @ 5:15 pm (reply)

Member

Gilneas (message) 1,393 posts, Bumble bee

What about having your dad walk you in, and when you get to the front, your mom joins you from her seat, so they can both be there to present you in marriage, hug and love you, and greet your fiance - but your dad still gets to escort you down the aisle, and your parents have minimal contact with each other. Your parents would then be seated, or go and stand at their seats.

If you do choose to include the “Who presents this woman in marriage?” piece, you can have both your mom and dad stand up (or already be standing) and answer with “We will.”

1/4/10 @ 5:18 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Glitter (message) 986 posts, Busy bee

I totally understand where you are coming from. My parents are no longer together. It was a recent separation. (Which made for a good deal of discomfort and awkwardness during wedding planning!) I had them both walk me down the aisle. I couldn’t stand the idea of my mom sitting on the sidelines. However, I still have a lot of respect for the special moment of a father walking his daughter himself. So I understand the dilemma. I like the idea of a compromise - like Mouse suggested - a “handing off” of sorts. Or maybe you can find a very special way to honor/mention/incorporate your mom during the reception? Best of luck, I know it isn’t easy.

1/4/10 @ 5:22 pm (reply)

10.

Bee

Mrs. Espresso (message) 1,310 posts, Bumble bee

I agree with the others. I had my step dad walk me half way and my dad the rest of the way- you could do the same with your mom and dad. Or I also like the idea of both walking you down or of one person joining you at the end. I know this decision is hard because of the circumstances- but do what’s in your heart and feels right

1/4/10 @ 5:30 pm (reply)

11.

Bee

Miss Guinea Pig (message) 1,377 posts, Bumble bee

I like the hand-off idea, or you could try to include your mom in the ceremony some other way - I’ve seen people give their moms flowers, or have their mom light the unity candle, etc. Good luck!

1/4/10 @ 5:38 pm (reply)

12.

Hostess

LatteLove (message) 5,587 posts, Bee Keeper

you’re in a tough situation! I don’t have much experience or advice to share, but I’m looking forward to reading the suggestions from the hive, and what you decide to do!

1/4/10 @ 5:48 pm (reply)

13.

Member

mdarrah (message) 1,205 posts, Bumble bee

I’ve seen the hand off one and it was beautiful. The bride stopped, hugged dad, hugged mom, and then continue walking with mom. Their divorce was no secret so everyone thought it was a great way of honoring both. The other thing is that when its the “who give this woman” part, the traditional answer is “her mother and I do” which includes both but is not limited to married parents. (Personally, I went with “She gives herself freely, with our love and support” .)

1/4/10 @ 5:57 pm (reply)

14.

Member

Magenta (message) 1,860 posts, Buzzing bee

ok love this post because i love this tradition. the weird thing is that i dont have a father. i decided i want my stepfather for 10 years to do it. i love him, he is not married to my mom but they have been together for a long time. i thought this was something not important for him but when i ask him to give me away in my wedding he started crying and lost all the words. then i starting crying and it was a whole mess. i never saw this way, but he dont have daughters, only sons so he has never done the father’s bride part in a wedding. after this i know i made a great desicion because i know is going to means something to him. My mom is going to take part as im going to give her my bouquet thanking her everything she has done for me.

1/4/10 @ 6:19 pm (reply)

15.

Member

Newport Nuptials (message) 1,230 posts, Bumble bee

My parents are divorced as well, my sister was recently married and wanted to honor her relationship with each of our parents. She ended up doing a mother daughter dance and gave her bouquet to my mom to thank her for her ongoing support. I wrote about it on my blog here:
http://newportnuptials.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-best-friends-wedding-honoring-moms.html

It was so emotional, and a agreat way to include our mom.

1/4/10 @ 6:48 pm (reply)

16.

Bee

Miss Pretzel (message) 1,893 posts, Buzzing bee

My folks are divorced. Its important to me to have Mom get ready with me and I think that I will also ask her to pray with me individually when we start our day. I can’t think of a better way to spend some time with her than saying a Rosary together.

1/4/10 @ 7:03 pm (reply)

17.

Hostess

Jessie516 (message) 5,480 posts, Bee Keeper

My parents have been divorced since I was 18 months old and I don’t really have a relationship with my dad. In fact, I haven’t talked to him or seen him in years, and I decided not to invite him to the wedding. I did worry about this because my husband’s family doesn’t have many divorces and a lot of the wedding traditions are geared towards brides/grooms who have married parents. However, we just did the things that felt right to us and it worked out in the end. I had my brother walk me down the aisle and although my husband danced with his mom, I skipped that part entirely. It worked for us and we didn’t have anyone really mention it.

1/4/10 @ 8:00 pm (reply)

18.

Guest

Danielle

We have definitely been dealing with this… my dad is not evil, and we have a somewhat amicable relationship, but things have been rough in the past. I also totally identify with your father not representing your whole family. That is very true in my case as well. It has caused some tension, but I am having my 18 year old brother walk me down. He’s been my family all our lives and my steadfast friend. He’s never let me down, and he’s also a good representative of my whole family.

1/4/10 @ 8:31 pm (reply)

19.

Member

MexiPieLove (message) 54 posts, Worker bee

Thank you for writing this post! My parents are also recently (well, within the last 5 years) divorced and definitely don’t get along. I will likely be facing this very dilemma next August!

I hope you come to a comfortable decision on this - personally I liked the idea of your mom standing with your dad when you get down the aisle, since you like the tradition of the father giving away the bride. That way both parents can respond together “we do” when asked who is giving you away.

Best of luck! I thought my parents couldn’t handle the joint christmas together this year (with my fiance’s family) and they pulled through - sometimes people surprise you…

1/4/10 @ 8:38 pm (reply)

20.

Member

may2011bride (message) 79 posts, Worker bee

I think Gilneas’ idea is lovely. My dad is not walking me down the aisle, my grandfather is. I feel as though he is the patriarchal representation of my family and the one who has been there for me when my father has not. I may have a father daughter dance, but I’m not sure. It was a difficult decision but I feel as though I did the right thing. Remember this is your wedding. You are the one that needs to feel comfortable.

1/4/10 @ 9:02 pm (reply)

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