Weddingbee Blog

This post has taken some courage for me to write because I have a past that I haven’t talked about with all of you just yet…

I am an encore bride. I wanted to write this in the hopes that some of you can maybe learn from my mistakes. And it’s funny, I just started reading a book, and when I was only on page 8, I read this passage that seemed to fit perfectly with my thoughts…

Things are seldom as neat and tidy as that starry-eyed anecdote you share documentary-style on a couch. What I figured out over time is that almost always, when you hear those stories from married couples, there is a little poetic license going on, a romantic spin, polished to a high shine over time. And unless you marry your high school sweetheart (and even sometimes then), there is usually a not-so-glorious back story. There are people and places and events that lead you to your final relationship, people and places and events you’d prefer to forget or at least gloss over. In the end, you can slap a pretty label on it—like serendipity or fate. Or you can believe that it’s just the random way life unfolds.

From Love the One You’re With by Emily Giffin

Yes, my story about how Mr. Nachos and I met when I was 2 years old is all true, but the part where I mentioned that we both had relationships in between that came and went was a little vague. So here’s my story with the gory details…

When I was 16 years old, I started dating someone. We went to prom, we celebrated holidays with each others’ families, we were your typical high school boyfriend/girlfriend team. When I went away to college, we dated other people but still saw each other every time I came home for breaks. When I graduated and moved back home, we got back together. And at age 24, I pushed shoved him into marriage. It was the perfect next step for 2 people who had been together for 8 years, right? Wrong.

I wanted a ring, I wanted a wedding, I wanted a house. I. I. I. I somehow convinced him that that’s what he wanted, too. Oh, I was a selfish pushy girl. My main downfall, aside from the fact that he wasn’t ready? I didn’t really think about the marriage part. We were both starting new careers. I convinced myself that I was OK with him buying the display ring in the mall that had a cubic zirconia as the center stone, because that was all he could afford. And I really was OK with it. Well, I got my ring, I had a big wedding with the poofy princess dress, we had 150 guests at a pretty banquet hall, and a honeymoon. My parents paid for everything as is tradition for our families. We bought a house. And a dog. From beyond that picket fence, everything looked perfect. Inside those doors though, it wasn’t.

After a few months, I was lonely. And I think he was lonely, too. And I think we were both afraid to ask each other for what we needed emotionally. Our communication styles were polar opposites – I would hound him about anything that bothered me, and he would shut down. And I truly believe that was the beginning of the end. He ended up straying and I honestly don’t blame him completely. Our lack of communication and compassion completely killed any sort of bond that we may have had. It took me about 6 months to decide to move out and it was a tough decision. A lot of people say that if their significant other EVER cheats, they’d be out the door in a heartbeat. I had always said the same, but once I was in those cheated on shoes, it took a little longer than a heartbeat to choose my path.

There was an internal debate going through my head, over and over and over. I had said vows to God that I would be with this person for the rest of my life and stay by his side until death, no matter what. Could I really walk away and accept the fact that I lied to God? On the other hand, could I ever truly forgive and forget that this person made a choice to lay in a bed with someone other than me? He, too had lied to God about being loyal and faithful to me. It was awful.

I was the first person in my family, in all of my family that I am aware of, to get a divorce. He had signed a waiver stating that he would not be showing up to court and he agreed to the terms of the divorce. I had a friend go with me to court that day for support, and when we walked in, he was there. We stood in front of the judge, swore under oath that this dissolution of marriage was of our own free will. The judge stamped some papers, and that was it. It seemed so easy. Let me tell you, it wasn’t. That was truly the saddest day of my life. When I had gotten married, I never ever thought that a year later, I’d be getting a divorce at age 25. I walked away and cried for weeks. I moved back in with my parents and I was afraid of how my mom was going to react to me after the divorce – my mom is a very religious, active member in our church, and in the eyes of the Catholic church, divorce does not exist. Despite my fears, she welcomed me home with open arms and was the most supportive, unconditionally loving mom that she had always been. Without my family, I would have crumbled.

Looking back on the whole situation, knowing what I know now 8 years later, I would have done everything differently. I would have never pushed him into marriage because he simply was not ready. I would have thought more about marriage and what it truly means to make a lifelong commitment. I would have thought long and hard about how we interacted and communicated and I probably would have questioned if this was a person I could be with forever. He’s not a bad person, and I truly do forgive him now, but I know I made the right choice for me to walk away, because we simply were not a good couple for marriage. Yes, we had a picture perfect wedding, but we had a less-than-stellar relationship, to put it mildly.

Although my divorce was devastating at the time, it made me a better, stronger person. I took my time to develop strong friendships with my sisters, my co-workers, and my parents. I gained my own identity and learned to love myself again. I learned to accept myself for my flaws and my talents and was prepared to hold out for as long as it would take to find a lifelong partner that accepted me the same way.

Fast-forward to today. I have done things so differently this time around because I truly learned from my mistakes. Mr. Nachos and I communicate better than anyone I’ve ever come in contact with. We are both compassionate to each other. We both make it a point to never take the other for granted. We take care of each other and constantly make sure that the other knows they are loved. We choose our battles wisely. This time, I did not push Mr. Nachos into marriage. We talked about it openly and honestly for a long time before he proposed. We both want a lifetime with each other and I know now that it should never be anything less than a mutual desire. We looked at rings together, not because I made him, but because we both wanted to. I didn’t hound him to propose, because this time around I realized that the proposal is the guy’s thing. I wanted him to do it when he was ready and I wanted him to be able to surprise me in his own way. I was more focused on him, not so much on the ring. I thought about him and let him have his moment in the sun.

I have truly thought about the vows that I will be making and the full meaning behind them. I am truly prepared to love, honor and cherish Mr. Nachos for the rest of my life. To me now, they’re not just words, they are a promise to do the hard work that it takes to make a marriage. We are both looking forward to buying our first home and creating and raising little bundles of joy. We can’t wait to see what the other looks like in their 80s. We are excited for the future and willing to put in the work that it will take to make it until  then.

This time around is so different for me because it is with the right person. And although my only regret of my past choices is that he is not the first person I am walking down an aisle with, I feel better knowing it he the last. And the best.