The Months Before

The Months Before

January 15th, 2010 @ 2:50 pm by Mrs. Pudding
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One of my very good friends got married last year. Her relationship with her husband started around the same time that Mr. Pudding and I began dating, and we’ve been through some similar ups and downs with our men.

When I visited her a couple of months after her (beautiful) wedding, she told me something that I didn’t quite understand at the time. She told me that the months before the wedding were some of the hardest months that she had ever been through with her boy, and that she thought about walking out of the relationship many times before opting to walk down the aisle instead.

(source)

I have to admit that, at the time, I totally judged her. I couldn’t help but wonder what would make a woman marry a man that she was constantly fighting with. She told me that some of her girlfriends felt the same way about their husbands-to-be the last couple of months before their wedding, and that this subsided after the “I Dos”. I thought that they just didn’t love their partners as much as I love Mr. Pudding.

Now that our wedding approaches, however, Mr. P and I have been fighting more than usual. Mr. Pudding and I aren’t really the type of people who fight - our verbal disagreements usually consist of us telling each other why we are angry, and than kissing to make it better - so the sudden outburst of arguments seems particularly odd.

Every couple argues. It’s inevitable that your partner will do something to completely aggravate you at least once a week, no matter what the status of your relationship. The difference when you are engaged is that you feel like this is your last chance to walk away. This “fight or flight” instinct is what I think causes people to argue in the months leading up to their marriage. Suddenly, your partner’s cute little flaws are something that you will have to live with FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. That is one scary thought!

The months before the wedding are stressful. Subconsciously, you can’t help but think that this is your last chance to bail on your partner’s shortcomings (which he/she no doubt has). It is one of the few times in a relationship when you think more about the bad in your partner than the good.

Luckily for me, Mr. Pudding and I are (mostly) able to recognize the true source of these fights when they happen. We remind one another that we are fighting about something that is insignificant, and that we love each other. We always remember to laugh them off.

Anyone else notice that the amount of arguments you have with your significant other increases the closer you get to the wedding? How do you cope with this phenomenon?

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38 Responses to “The Months Before”

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Member

completelyrandomsally (message) 618 posts, Busy bee

There is a 180% difference between now (2 months later) than the month before the wedding. SCARY!

1/15/10 @ 2:53 pm (reply)

Member

peachesandtulips (message) 408 posts, Helper bee

Oh lord, I can related. Our wedding is STRESSING both of us out and as a result, we are arguing more frequently and heatedly about little things. When things like money, family and organization are all wrapped up in one event, there is bound to be tension in any loving couple!

1/15/10 @ 2:57 pm (reply)

Member

peachesandtulips (message) 408 posts, Helper bee

*I can RELATE, derp derp.

1/15/10 @ 2:58 pm (reply)

Guest

Tia

Yes! Absolutely. And I think it’s normal, not only because of the stresses of wedding planning, but because it’s a completely new stage of vulnerability for the relationship — you’re about to give you entire life to this person. I can imagine that for some people it’s a very easy and laidback transition, but speaking personally I found it to be full of difficult moments. The good news though is that we’ve calmed down completely after marriage. It’s like we put the relationship through a trial by fire, and now that it’s passed things are much, much more stable. Thanks for posting honestly about it, Miss Pudding, I’m sure lots of brides will appreciate it. I think it’s good to talk to your married friends about it because I do think that my non-married friends did not understand. They wanted to be helpful and not judge, but from their perspective the engagement was such a happy thing that they couldn’t not feel worried for me. The married ladies, I think, will know what you’re talking about and understand the stress & growing pains of committing to this huge life change.

1/15/10 @ 3:01 pm (reply)

Member

3M (message) 593 posts, Busy bee

Oh wow, yes, i just posted a thread the other day about our fight. It was making me crazy that after 12 hours, most of it sleep, that we had not made up. Our fights are even about us, its about my family or something. I hate fighting with mr3m and its hard to put things into perspective when i am that irritated.

1/15/10 @ 3:04 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Frozen Yogurt (message) 2,685 posts, Sugar bee

Wow, definitely. It is a very stressful time and you (or at least I) tend to take things out on the people that are closest to me. And who can be closer than him? Thanks for writing this.

1/15/10 @ 3:06 pm (reply)

Member

MissHelen (message) 2,440 posts, Buzzing bee

Wow, I was just thinking about this this morning! FI and I have a great relationship rife with great communication and deep seeded respect. BUT….
For me, I keep thinking about the alternative which puts everything back in perspective.
It’s hard to think about how things might be for the next 50 or so years.

1/15/10 @ 3:06 pm (reply)

Member

beach01 (message) 74 posts, Worker bee

This post is so, so true. As much fun we’ve had planning our wedding, it’s also been really stressful at times too.
Miss Pudding, I totally relate!

1/15/10 @ 3:08 pm (reply)

Member

TeaGirl (message) 7 posts, Newbee

I agree with this post 100%! I realized that the many petty fights my now-husband and I got into wasn’t so much because of us, but more so because of the stress we were under of having to plan a wedding. I also realized that trying to not take things too personally helped and keeping my focus on the “big picture” (marriage and a future together) and not on how many ribbons were still left untied, made things a lot easier for us both.

1/15/10 @ 3:23 pm (reply)

10.

Member

suzanne1880 (message) 90 posts, Worker bee

um, yes, thank you for writing this….It’s a very stressful, anxious time. I appreciate your flight or fight reference.

1/15/10 @ 3:29 pm (reply)

11.

Bee

Miss Scissors (message) 7,343 posts, Bee Keeper

We went through a period of that, but had a long talk, and agreed to look at the big picture as well. It helped to put it all out on the table, apologize for the crankiness and snippiness, and just realize that we were a team in all of the wedding chaos! It has helped so, so so so so much.

1/15/10 @ 3:29 pm (reply)

12.

Member

celery (message) 75 posts, Worker bee

I can totally relate! I tell everybody that our engagement was the toughest part of our relationship. We have never fought as much as we did during our engagement. There were times when I questioned whether I am right pushing through with getting married. After the wedding, our relationship went back to how it was pre-engagement, which I am very thankful for.

1/15/10 @ 3:31 pm (reply)

13.

Member

littlemissmoo (message) 3,006 posts, Sugar bee

Yes, yes a million times yes. It’s doubly hard that FMIL is not involved in the wedding planning and therefore wants FH to go over there ALL the time so I feel like I end up doing “couple” projects on my own. But we always make sure we talk it out and we usually kiss and make up later. We try very hard not to let anything fester and blow up into a huge deal.

1/15/10 @ 3:37 pm (reply)

14.

Bee

Miss Nachos (message) 1,733 posts, Bumble bee

I think we’ve only had one moment of contention so far, but I think the fact that we’re having such a small wedding definitely helps. If we have to change around or scrap an idea, it’s not terribly difficult. I can definitely understand though how a higher-stress wedding can affect your moods and the way you interact. It’s good to know once the stress is gone, things should return to normal!

1/15/10 @ 3:56 pm (reply)

15.

Guest

Tiffany

Thank you so much for posting this Miss Pudding! I am recently engaged, and while we are not yet close to our wedding date, I am feeling the “flight” take over. I love my FH but every single irritating behavior and mannerism is going to be mine forever! Whoa, that makes me take a step back and think about the enormity of the commitment and I find myself snapping at him more, partially because I am already irritated and the many years I have ahead of me to deal with his “flaws”. When I get off my broom I remember that he’s probably feeling the same way I am. Aaah…the things you do for love huh.

1/15/10 @ 4:37 pm (reply)

16.

Bee

Miss French Fries (message) 2,217 posts, Buzzing bee

Thanks for writing this — I think that everyone that is engaged (if they’re being honest) goes through this at one time or another. We did. So…thank you for putting it into words.

1/15/10 @ 4:38 pm (reply)

17.

Bee

Miss Pudding (message) 1,180 posts, Bumble bee

Thanks for the comments, Ladies! It’s nice to know that we are not alone in experiencing this!

@Tia: Talking with married friends has definitely helped! They seem to understand these types of things, much, much better (probably because they’ve been through them).

@3M: I hate fighting with Mr. P too. Luckily, we never go to bed angry - we both don’t like holding a grudge, so we usually just work it out within a couple of hours.

@Miss Frozen Yogurt: That’s so true! I also find that I am becoming the middle man between my family’s ideas for the wedding, and Mr. P’s family’s ideas, so I’m always the bad guy!

@TeaGirl: Wedding planning definitely contributes. I just can’t understand why Mr. P is not interested in all of that bow tying!

1/15/10 @ 4:47 pm (reply)

18.

Member

lucytoo (message) 29 posts, Newbee

Thank you so much for writing this, Miss Pudding! You’ve helped me understand my recent freakouts better. We’ve been having tremendous strife with my FMIL and FBIL lately, and I find myself repeatedly saying to the FI, “I’m going to have to live with them/that FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!” and “I don’t want THIS to be MY LIFE!!!”

What is most surprising to me is that up until this point - and we’ve been together for going on 6 years - I thought we were perfect for each other. Now, issues that may not seem to be the biggest deal in the WORLD… suddenly, just ARE.

I find myself leaning towards “flight”, but I’m going to try to remember your post, Miss P, and try to put things in perspective. It’s just really hard when you’re talking about “the rest of your life”.

1/15/10 @ 4:49 pm (reply)

19.

Bee

Miss Pudding (message) 1,180 posts, Bumble bee

@celery: Thanks for sharing! It’s good to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

@littlemissmoo: I think the key is to talk it out. There is nothing worse than letting the resentment build up. Thanks for commenting!

@Tiffany: Just remember to stop and think about the great things about your fiance, and why you fell in love with him in the first place. Once you compile that list, you will realize that it’s much longer than the list of flaws you spend so much time thinking about. I have to remind myself to do this more often

1/15/10 @ 4:52 pm (reply)

20.

Bee

Miss Pudding (message) 1,180 posts, Bumble bee

@lucytoo: Mr. P and I have been dating for about 6 years too. You are not alone in feeling this way! Please remember that you are marrying the man and not the family, and take the time to consider what your life would be like without him. I know I would be very unhappy without Mr. P, and his shortcomings seem small in comparison to the idea of life without him. Hang in there!

1/15/10 @ 4:58 pm (reply)

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