Goin’ Through the Big D and I Don’t Mean Dallas

Goin’ Through the Big D and I Don’t Mean Dallas

January 21st, 2010 @ 3:29 pm by Mrs. Frozen Yogurt
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Goin’ Through the Big D and I Don’t Mean Dallas : wedding relationships Divorce2 divorce2

This is a hard post for me to write, and I hope that no one close to me finds it offensive. I’ve thought about it for a long time before I started to blog about it, but I think it’s time. See, someone very close to me, let’s call her Ms. X, is going through a divorce right now. Divorce is never easy, and I imagine that it’s especially difficult when you have to be all sunshine and rainbows for someone else who is about to get married. I can’t help but feel guilty, though I know Ms. X doesn’t want me to feel that way at all.

It’s really hard though. I’m exploding with happiness and excited about my future and starting a life and family with Mr. Fro Yo. However, I find myself not wanting to talk to Ms. X about wedding stuff because I feel like it’s so insensitive to talk about my dress fittings, invitations and everything else wedding related when she is going through such a hard time in her life. And I know she’s comfortable with the divorce decision, but that doesn’t mean that being around the start of a new marriage is something you want to jump into, especially if you have to be a bridesmaid.

Anyway, I’m trying to strike a balance here and be a good friend to her, but also not feel guilty about being happy about this time in my life. Although I’m not entirely sure that I’m not f’ing it up, I am doing my best.

Is anyone else trying to help a friend through divorce or any other difficult life situation while planning your own wedding?

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33 Responses to “Goin’ Through the Big D and I Don’t Mean Dallas”

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Guest

Lindsey

I totally understand. One of my closest friends is going through a horrible divorce right now, and I’m getting married in almost 3 months. We just have to find that right balance between being sensitive and also not down playing our own excitement for whats happening with us. Do not feel guilty about being happy, I’m sure she wouldn’t want that at all… good luck

1/21/10 @ 3:38 pm (reply)

Member

CHK (message) 597 posts, Busy bee

I went through the exact same thing last fall. For me, my friend(s) divorce made me question my ability to make a marriage work. I love my FI, he’s a wonderful, supportive, caring person, but I worried that I wouldn’t be able to live up to my own expectations.

I blogged about it, if you’re interested:
http://courtneyscontent.blogspot.com/2009/07/theres-no-such-thing-as-insurance.html

1/21/10 @ 3:38 pm (reply)

Member

MissHelen (message) 2,440 posts, Buzzing bee

Oh yes, I understand. A friend of mine came home one day and her husband’s bags were packed. Keep in mind, this happened COMPLETELY out of the blue. She was four months pregnant with twins at the time.
What I did was asked her if she was okay with me talking about wedding stuff, and if she wasn’t than that was completely okay. In my case, she responded that she would love to hear about it because she finds it fun. But still

1/21/10 @ 3:43 pm (reply)

Member

AprilBride10 (message) 528 posts, Busy bee

I totally understand. My MOH’s boyfriend of 10 years (and soon to be fiance) passed away suddenly this fall. For a while I just avoided talking about the wedding with her, but she let me know that she wanted to talk about it - that it was fun for her to plan things with me and to think about happier topics. So, you never know, your friend might enjoy having something take her mind off the divorce.

1/21/10 @ 3:45 pm (reply)

Guest

Guest

I think you have to consider that your friend might be really okay with her divorce and not look at your wedding stuff as some painful reminder of her failed marriage. As quiet as it’s kept, some people are actually relieved when they get divorced. I would talk to your friend to gauge how much wedding talk she can stand and not just assume that she can’t handle it or doesn’t want to hear it.

1/21/10 @ 3:47 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Pug (message) 3,753 posts, Honey bee

oh, i’m sorry your friend is going through a difficult time right now. i don’t have experience off of which to give you concrete advice, but i agree with you and the others that i’m sure your friend wants you to be happy.

1/21/10 @ 3:50 pm (reply)

Member

HeatherMH (message) 12 posts, Newbee

I needed to read this - we just found out this week that my fiance’s Mom and Stepdad are getting a divorce. It has been difficult to keep going with our wedding plans, or have the same enthusiasm. Hopefully in a month or two the wound won’t be as fresh, and we’ll be able to move on. Keep your head up!

1/21/10 @ 3:50 pm (reply)

Member

kaymaroo (message) 78 posts, Worker bee

When my sister got married a few years ago I was going through a reeeeeeeally tough breakup of a long-term relationship. I know it’s not the same thing as divorce, but it felt like it at the time. I still wanted to hear about her wedding stuff, because I was excited for her! That said, I did appreciate it when she took time once in awhile to talk to me about what I was going through without breaking into wedding song-and-dance. I think as long as you keep a balance, and remember that you’re her friend too and not *just* a bride, she won’t mind hearing all about your centerpieces and inspiration boards!

1/21/10 @ 3:52 pm (reply)

Member

littlebug (message) 512 posts, Busy bee

My FI and I are going through something similar. His mom and step-dad were recently married, but are having a lot of problems. He’s become addicted to drugs, is cheating, etc. It’s hard to know what to talk about, especially when he’s around. It sounds like you’re being really sensitive to your friend, and I think that’s the most important thing!

1/21/10 @ 4:19 pm (reply)

10.

Member

moderndaisy (message) 6,607 posts, Bee Keeper

Yes, I have a friend who is severely depressed about being single. I mean, not just wishing she had a boyfriend, she cant’ even get out of bed, cries all the time depressed. It’s really hard, especially since she’s a BM. For example, when she found out FI and I registered together she burst into tears. We can’t go anywhere or even have a conversation without her getting extremely emotional about not having a boyfriend. It’s bad, and it’s very hard for me b/c I have to intentionally hold back talk about wedding stuff.

1/21/10 @ 4:21 pm (reply)

11.

Member

punkrockgirl (message) 27 posts, Newbee

I was a bridesmaid for two dear friends while I was going through a divorce. The worst part was that my ex was also a groomsman. And since we had only filed for divorce a month before their wedding, that meant that we had to walk down the aisle together, as the bride had already printed the programs. The funny thing was that I really didn’t mind. I was there for my friends, and while I was still very hurt and angry over the divorce, I put on my happy face the day of the wedding.

The month prior, I made sure that the bride knew I wanted to hear all about the wedding and chipped in wherever I could. I didn’t think of the wedding as a reflection of my failed marriage.

I think that true friends can compartmentalize their feelings enough to be over-the-top happy for you, even if they are going through a hard time. I am willing to bet that she would love to be included in your plans. I know I was thankful that my friend included me; I think avoiding me or purposefully not talking about the wedding around me would have been even more hurtful.

1/21/10 @ 4:22 pm (reply)

12.

Member

phedre (message) 378 posts, Helper bee

I’m so glad you did write this Miss Fro Yo. My very best friend has been having some marital problems and the “D” word has been the elephant in the room for a while now. Even though it’s not official or anything, it’s still there and I feel really awkward talking wedding plans with her. In fact, I really want her to be my maid of honor but I’m afraid that it will make her upset. I’m trying to be as sensitive as possible but it’s hard, especially when I’m excited and I just want to gush about it.

1/21/10 @ 4:33 pm (reply)

13.

Member

dsr_june12 (message) 52 posts, Worker bee

sigh. in the same place, here. one of my bm’s is in mrs. x’s shoes, except that the divorce wasn’t her choice. :-\

1/21/10 @ 4:44 pm (reply)

14.

Member

ggsb (message) 1,245 posts, Bumble bee

You know I think it’s easier that you at least know what’s going on so you can both be there for her and find a happy medium. One of my close friends was separated/divorcing in the months leading up to our wedding and she kept it a secret from me. To the point that she had other friends sworn to not tell me. While I understand she “didn’t want to taint our wedding” it still kinda hurts in retrospect because I think back to all the small things that had to be hard for her…from receiving the invitation to our wedding addressed to them as a couple to hosting a shower for me. All things that didn’t have to happen had I known. I also feel like I wasn’t there for her during this difficult time in her life…and that’s hard to stomach even if it wasn’t my choice.

1/21/10 @ 4:46 pm (reply)

15.

Member

Champagne Wishes (message) 1,187 posts, Bumble bee

My friend, who was getting married the week before me, just called off her wedding. He got cold feet and moved out in the span of 4 days. We aren’t the closest friends (her sister and I are close) but I feel horrible that her sister and I am planning while she is dealing with all this. I can’t even talk about it when I see her.

1/21/10 @ 5:30 pm (reply)

16.

Member

jaydee1125 (message) 453 posts, Helper bee

Thanks for the post. My younger brother who is also my BFF is currently going through a divorce. When he broke the news to me he told me “At least you are marrying someone who loves you for you.” It was so heartbreaking for me, but he is truly happy for me and just recently I asked him to not only be the one walking me down the aisle but to be my Man of Honor…and surprisingly he accepted.

I think it all depends on the person as to how lightly you need to tread when it comes to talking about wedding stuff.

1/21/10 @ 5:58 pm (reply)

17.

Bee

Miss Seashell (message) 1,713 posts, Bumble bee

Miss Fro Yo - it’s definitely a tough thing. My advice would be to try to be straightforward with your friend. We all go through these things in life, just in different cycles. I remember in college when friends would gush about new boyfriends to each other, but be sensitive to not say too much in front of me when I was sad about being single. Now that it’s my turn to get married, I feel equally sensitive to divorced or single friends who have their own complex emotions about their relationship status.

My advice as a therapist to anyone in this kind of situation is to say something to the effect of, “I’m so excited about my upcoming wedding and I want to gush about every last detail to you, but I’m also sensitive to the fact that you’re going through such a difficult divorce”. And then see if she wants you to share, or if it’s too hard. Basically, ask what she needs from you. Sometimes it feels more hurtful to feel like someone is tip-toeing around your emotions, and other times its worse when you feel like happiness is being rubbed in your face. The best thing is often a straightforward and honest conversation on what your friend needs from you!

1/21/10 @ 6:00 pm (reply)

18.

Member

eileen marie (message) 1,662 posts, Bumble bee

One of my bridesmaid’s lost her 4-year-old son (my Godson) to cancer 2 days after our wedding. She couldn’t even attend, let alone stand up for us. It was a very bittersweet time, and I felt much in the same situation as you are. It was an absolutely horrible time coupled with the joyous occasion of our marriage.

1/21/10 @ 6:13 pm (reply)

19.

Bee

Miss Frozen Yogurt (message) 2,685 posts, Sugar bee

Seriously, weddingbee is the best ever. You all have great advice and are super sensitive. Thank you all very much!

1/21/10 @ 6:58 pm (reply)

20.

Member

gill84 (message) 725 posts, Busy bee

I feel your pain. My BFF who is also my BM is going through the slow and painful process of realizing that her relationship of 3 years which she always thought was ‘the one’ that would lead to marriage, needs to end instead. And meanwhile I’m planning for my future grown up life while she might be starting over… it’s very hard.

1/21/10 @ 8:39 pm (reply)

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