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Last time, I talked about how Mr. Pug and I do not have the kind of wedding planning relationship that really involves him. Hehe. So what kind of relationship is it?
Photo by Ananda Lima
Okay well, that’s not totally true. This is the type of conversation that typifies our wedding planning dynamic:
Scene #1: Evening of our Engagement Day, at Romantic Dinner
Me: So honey, I was thinking about some dates for the wedding…
He: [smile from face slowly disappears]
Me: It would be great to do it in the spring or fall…
He: [eyes space out, looks down]
Me: But I’m not sure if that would work with our schedules…
He: [starts to shrink in his seat, to the point where I have to look over far edge of table to see him]
Me: And should we get married in California or New York?
He: Can we stop talking about this? This is stressing me out.
Scene #2: The Day I Realize that We Are Going to Have a Formal Ceremony
Me: So originally we weren’t going to have a ceremony, because it’s such a pain in the ass.
He: Yeah.
Me: But the more I’ve talked about it with people and thought about it, I think it makes sense to do something. People like ceremonies, and it gives focus to the day.
He: Yeah.
Me: I didn’t want a formal ceremony, but now it seems like we’ll be having one.
He: Uh-huh
Me: Honey, do you mind having a more formal…
He: [cutting me short] Whatever you want, honey [returns to internet surfing]
Scene #3: After I’ve Addressed the Wedding Envelopes but Before I’ve Made the Invitations, Mr. Pug Talking on Phone to His Mom
He: [on phone] Yeah, I think we’re inviting so-and-so. [to me] Honey are we inviting so-and-so?
Me: Yes, I’ve told you multiple times that we will do so once you give me their mailing address.
He: [on phone] Yep, the invitations are all ready to go. Miss Pug just finished them.
Me: [swiping him on the arm] What are you talking about? Those are empty envelopes sitting on the table. The invites aren’t even done—did you see me working on any invites lately? [pause] Hey, do you even know what our invite looks like?
I know I poke fun at the whole “collaboration”, but it’s because… well, it’s funny, in an archetypal/stereotypical bride-groom classic clash way. It doesn’t bother me (at least not yet), and in the meantime, this is what works for us. I make the decisions, tell him about it if I feel like it, and lucky for me—he’s been okay with every single thing.
Alright, let’s hear about some knock-down drag-out fights that y’all have had regarding the wedding! I’m kidding… okay fine, share a story about how you guys have worked well together.
haha. sound like me and my FI. I wish he was a bit more interested. he does chime in from time to time and yes’ me to death. He wanted a smaller ceremony but to make me happy and to accomodate more of my fam we decided to have something a little bit bigger. I know he is excited about the marriage, it’s all the planning that details that he really isn’t into. OH WELL!
Honestly, this is exactly how it worked for us. His requests were “Open Bar” and “Filet for dinner”. Everything else was “Do I really have to hear about this?” or just completely ignoring the wedding speak. I was the tiniest bit envious of some of the more colalborative grooms at first, but then I realized I did what I wanted and told him later. Worked just fine for us!
omg I love you two! I have kinda pretty much had free reign as long as I don’t go over the budget we set (when I wanted to increase our invite and video budget I just had to plead my case and I WON!) When he starts asking me things though I get annoyed lol
“Yes, I’ve told you multiple times that we will do so once you give me their mailing address.”
That sounds familiar.
I think so far it’s just stressing him out, even though I have it all under control! He doesn’t want to wear cowboy boots, though, even though he LOVES his, so I don’t know what he’s doing.
Oh man, my husband was the. same. way. Until we got the proof for our invitations. I had chosen the formal over the informal version of “favor” opting for “favour”. He insisted this was a typo. I explained to him that it’s the formal version and completely appropriate for our wax-sealed-kind of-stuffy-formal-traditional-Catholic-enormous wedding. He says, “I’m not a formal kind of guy.” Well, without writing a novel, he was the one who insisted on the formal wedding–I was ok with inviting no one and going to the court house. HE’S NOT FORMAL?!?! So this argument went on for weeks (even after I okayed the invite as it was and sent them to print) and sometimes he still brings it up.
I’d like to note that out of the millions of other decisions I made entirely on my own (including his super formal tuxedo), this is the only objection he had. How a stupid word is spelled on our reply cards. REALLY?!?!
This began over a year ago and I’m still baffled by it. Of all the things to complain about…
P.S. this is also the same guy who 1. had no idea where the reception venue was until the day of the wedding (I have pictures of me pointing and send him that direction–it was a block away) and 2. didn’t know what colors I’d chosen until he got his tuxedo and his flowers the morning of the wedding.
Haha - love the dynamic! Scene #2 sounds pretty familiar to our house! Unfortunately for me getting my way, Mr. GP has strong opinions about design, which often clash with my aesthetics, so we sometimes have knock down drag out fights about that 
Ok, really we just argue about it, I sulk in silence… and then we come up with a completely different idea 
It is hard when one person doesn’t want to help plan because you start to feel like is this wedding really going to reflect both of us? For me, I had to make a concious effort to choose things we both liked, and that meant going out of my way to try to involve the Dude in the process. It sounds like the dynamic you guys have right now is working for you!
I asked FI to come with me to a bridal show this weekend only because the last decision to be made is about a DJ and this show will be a great place to get that taken care of. And the dj is something he’s pretty interested in. He begrudgingly agreed and then went and whined a little on facebook about it. I know he’s into it, he’s just trying to be all macho. Silly boys!
I think it really depends on the couple. I would fall apart if he weren’t involved too but we’re used to tackling big projects together (well, when we’re not at work!)
He’s made or been in on most of the major decisions in planning and I’ve been the one trying to keep on budget. It’s been working for us so far… get back to me in 46 days!
FI was being pouty and frowny about the idea of wearing a bow tie with his tux, but I put my foot down b/c I prefer a bow tie instead of a tie. His mom backed me up which helped.
Uhm, scene 3 just happened in our house last week. He was on the phone, talking to his sister, when the words “yeah, the invites will be sent sometime in February.” UM, WHAT? I must have missed that memo.
Haha! Mr Trail Mix seems to have an innate ability to reject anything that I love, especially after I’ve done all the research, narrowed down a search and then picked my favorite, it’s guaranteed he won’t like it. So annoying!!!!
He usually isn’t very involved but when I show him an idea he likes and he gets excited about it, I know it must be done. 
FI wanted to help with stuff, so we went to our venue last weekend and looked at fabric colors for the tables. He didn’t say one word and when we left, he was like “I hate doing that kind of stuff” Haha! He WANTED to go! Oh well
oh boy, our situation is that he tells me he “doesn’t care, whatever you want” and then when I show him options, all of a sudden he has an opinion-drives me nuts!
Hahaha, I can totally relate to your third example. Last month someone asked my FI how the wedding plans were coming and he told them ‘We’ve got pretty much everything done!’ Uh, what?! He hadn’t even gotten the 4 things on his to-do list done!
At least if he’s not involved, he *agrees* on everything. The worst is to be uninvolved AND opinionated!
Haha! I think that we’ve had these same conversations! As Miss Spaniel says, though, at least he (mine and yours) agrees with what we say.
With the notable exception of food: originally I wanted to do BBQ, but he insisted that was not nearly elegant enough. When the heck did we become elegant people?!? Aaanyhow, we ended up with some elegant heavy apps. About which I’m thrilled (and still a bit baffled).
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Mrs. Pug, New York City/Half Moon Bay, CA Age and Occupation: 33, Lawyer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 32, ditto Engagement Date: July 2008 Wedding Date: March 2010 Venue: Ritz-Carlton, Half Moon Bay About Me: The Mr. and I are two 30-somethings who enjoy tasty sweets of all kinds, our neighborhood wine store, and cuddling with our pug. NYC is where we live and the city we love, but we’re doing the deed out in Northern California. We are trying to keep the affair small, intimate, and manageable. Our motto is: the less people, the better! (I’m kidding.)
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