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* This post has nothing to do with Bob Dylan whatsoever. source
Okay people.
It’s time to get serious around here. And not serious about budget or timeline or booking another vendor.
Honestly, I think we’re doing really well on all those fronts.
Nope, it’s time to get serious and come clean about a little habit I developed when I was preparing to propose to F Stripes.
See the thing is, sometimes I obsessively scour the web and pore over other gay couples’ weddings or I find posts here on Weddingbee, or over at A Practical Wedding supporting marriage equality and I cry. Hell, sometimes I cry over straight weddings, too!
Yup. I sit at my computer and cry like a baby. And it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve read the post, either. Sometimes they’re happy tears because it is absolutely so affirming to see other couples in LOVE making a go of it in this world, and sometimes they’re sad tears because people who HAVE never even met me have voted to take away my rights, but mostly they’re confused tears because I’m not sure how to deal with the simple fact that our wedding will be real, but our marriage won’t be legal.
After our wedding I’ll still have to check the single box on my tax form. And it’s hard not to feel bitter about that.
So how do we enter into this amazing/life-changing/biggest-decision we’ll ever make/commitment with light and joyous hearts and not carry this sadness around with us on our wedding day and beyond?
I’m gonna have to make myself a list, because I’m not punk rock enough to believe myself when I say fuck California—my marriage doesn’t need to be sanctioned by the state. Because I just don’t buy it. I want my marriage to be legal, too. And recognized. Portia de Rossi sums it up far more eloquently than I ever could on a recent Oprah appearance with her WIFE Ellen. Check it out here.
See, no matter how HAPPY I am to be marrying the love of my life, and no matter how committed we are to each other, and no matter how much fun our wedding will be— it still won’t be the real deal to everyone else.
Are you part of an illegal marriage? How did you deal with these feelings (especially if you live in a state like we do, where your fellow taxpayers STRIPPED your rights away)?
Don’t get me wrong—I’m super excited about planning every last detail of our wedding (and sharing those details here) and super excited about spending every last day of my life with Fiancee Stripes.. but sometimes this just gets me down.
More happiness later. (No irony intended) I promise.
I’m so sorry you’re in the situation, it’s complete and utter bullshit, and I want to cry just typing this.
You know, I was just telling my fiance about you the other day, and I have to commend you on doing this. On planning your wedding even though there’s this bullshit law that says it can’t be legal, on showing your commitment to your fiancee no matter what anyone thinks, and on telling CA and all those people all over the country who are voting to take away other HUMAN’s rights to go fuck themselves.
You are a strong woman, and we need more of those, no matter what race, religion, or sexual orientation.
*hugs* If I could give you our marriage licence I would. You both deserve not to have that sadness on your bid day.
I hate that you are in this situation, I firmly believe it is morally wrong to strip people of their human rights. I love the way Portia put it in that interview, it made me want to jump up and down and say”yes, that’s exactly it”. Thanks for being strong and honest.
you are my new favorite bee! that said - you being here and being so relatable for people that may not share your/our views is such a good thing. I think that eventually these laws will be overturned, but it’s going to happen by awareness. Some people just don’t know anyone in this situation, so it’s easier to keep voting marriage equality down. But when you know someone, or can relate to someone that wants these rights, it makes it a little harder to keep on voting against their equal rights. I applaud you living your life on your own terms, and having a fantastic career and fiancee! You are a lucky gal.
Ah, reading that interview made me cry. I didn’t even get to the video!
Don’t get me started on prop 8, but I just want to state for the record that it is a matter of ignorance. And people like you who are openly talking about this issue are making a difference, even if it’s one person at a time. You rock!
Oh Stripes, I know. It really pisses me off. I don’t get it. As you’ve said, we’ve made strides, but clearly not enough. It makes me sad that even if your marriage and partnership is better than a lot of other people’s, it will still not be recognized by the state and that’s just BS.
I often think about this too. I am just so disappointed in our state right now. There are times when my excitement over the fact that I get to marry the man of my dreams is genuinely overshadowed by thoughts of how the same-sex couples that are near and dear to me won’t (legally) get to do the same as long as California has its head stuck up its a$$. The fight is far from over, so I, for one, will continue do my part to be straight, but not narrow 
I will keep attending the rallies (of which there are quite a few here in SF), donating money, and doing whatever I can. Thank you for this post.
I fully believe that our kids will look back and say “I can’t believe there was actually a time where some people couldn’t get married! How ridiculous & archaic is that?”. I only hope that it is sooner rather than later. Ignorance has no place in my life. HUGS, Miss Stripes!! xoxo
Thank you so much for this post. I cried the day Prop. 8 was passed. It hurts me to live in a country where some feel it nessisary to select who is “worthy” of marriage by who they love. Part of me feel that a legal marriage is just a peice of paper that has no significance in the greater picture. However, a bigger part of me thinks “Damn it, it’s SYMBOLIC! And ANYONE willing to commit their life and love to another human being DESERVES the respect of legal marriage!”
Keep fighting. There are millions fighting with you.
how could anyone read your post and feel like your marriage should be illeagal? keep talking about it. your voice needs to be heard.
Stripes, though I’m neither Californian nor gay I feel so much with you! It must seem so meeningless that the state/system won’t regognize you as a couple, a union. It doesn’t make any sense. Keep on fighting and know that the Hive is behind you!
You and everyone in your boat have my support too. FU California!!!!!!!!!
It’s complete bull$hit!
So many great things have already been said in these comments so I just want to say “ditto” to all of them and let you know that I stand with you and you have my full support now and always.
Thanks for your lovely words and support hive! Just had to get this pink elephant (why are they pink anyway?) that’s cluttering up our wedding planning space out there!
I’m so sorry that your marriage isn’t legally recognized in your state. I think that as awareness grows, more and more people will be comfortable with it. And I think there’s a lot of misinformation out there about what gay marriage truly is. I had to explain to my mother than if NY passes a law allowing gay marriage that does not mean that the catholic church is suddenly going to have to perform gay marriages. Sigh.
I also don’t understand why people’s religious beliefs (cause really, that’s what all that “moral beliefs” stuff comes down to) has to impede on what is a secular institution.
I cry thinking about this. When I first watched the video of Ellen and Portia, I cried. Then I saved all their quotes as inspiration. I’m supporting the right to marriage equality from up here in Canada. Come get married here, we’ll support you!
@Mrs. Quiche: That’s exactly what I think too, that in the (hopefully not too distant) future people will look back on this time and wonder how so many people could have been so bigoted and ignorant to want to prevent their fellow human beings from getting married. Sort of like how interracial marriage being illegal 50 years ago is looked back upon now.
It’s not much comfort to the people whose rights have been taken away in the here and now, but it’s at least a glimmer of hope that things WILL get better, that homophobia and bigotry will hopefully die out and the younger generations will see that equality for all is not just fair in the legal sense, but also in the moral, be kind to your fellow humans, sense.
*hugs* to Miss Stripes and Fiancee Stripes *hugs*
I think it’s absolute crap that this is still a debate in our country. As a racial minority, I am ashamed that we don’t have laws against people stripping rights from a minority group. I’m so sorry. We are with you and support your right and will continue to fight. You hand in there and keep you head held high!
Come to Canada! Seriously. Have the ceremony and the party, and then come to Canada for the legal papers. I know some judges who’d be more than happy to do it
I am so sorry that you have to put up with that. It is so unfair and so hard for all gay couples. My BIL’s dad had to move to another state, all the way to the other side of the country, to marry his partner and live in a town where people won’t judge (or at least not to their faces) and be mean. It is not right that people can’t marry the love of their life (whether same sex or not) and live in the town of their choice and carry on a normal life. And maybe the state won’t recongnize it as legal, but everyone here, and around you, will. And you two will. You will keep the commitment and respect and know that you made that decision for the rest of your life, and that is what really matters in the end.
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Ms. Stripes, Los Angeles Age and Occupation: 29, Costume Designer/Stylist Fiancee's Age and Occupation: 29, Chef Engagement Date: June 23, 2009 Wedding Date: September 2010 Venue: Heritage Square Museum About Me: I’m a type A creative with a messy streak, a loud mouth, and an uncanny knack for combining clashing patterns. I can usually be found with my nose in a book, my feet (or at least my toes) on the ground, my head in the clouds, and my arm around the prettiest girl you ever saw- aka Fiancee Stripes. Together we’re planning a FUN vintage/modern French carnival wedding extravaganza and rockin’ dance party on a dime. (Say that three times fast!) Good coffee, long lists, Uniball pens, and my iPhone keep me sane, and making art, making trouble, and making out keep me happy! I love urban adventures, bike rides that end with afternoon drinks, breakfast for dinner, beautiful light, photography, travel, my furry family, and of course, my beautiful fiancee! I’m super excited to be here and can’t wait to share all our adventures as we craft a joyful, budget-friendly, design-savvy and all-around AWESOME wedding!
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