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Mr. Pencils and I fell victim to “when”ing. We’ll get engaged when… we’ll get married when… we’ll get a dog when… we’ll have kids when… we’ll buy a house when…
These “whens” simply put off the things we want. We try to justify that somehow there is a fated, destined time for each of these blessed events. I hate to break it to the blogging world—I don’t think there is ever going to be a better “when”.
The first two “whens” happen to just be what Mr. Pencils and I grappled with. We couldn’t get engaged yet! We were in college… then we were recent grads… then we were living an hour apart… then I was a miserable first year teacher…
After all of these “thens” we bit the bullet (how romantic) and got engaged in July of 2008, despite there being a number of more “whens” we could think of.
It came down to the simple fact that we seemed to be putting off something we both knew we wanted—each other, forever. (Here’s a napkin to wipe the cheese off your fingers for reading that.)
Once he had slipped that ring on my finger, we faced the second when. We told ourselves we’d set the wedding for nearly two years in the future. I said “we’ll plan the wedding when I’m done teaching” and he said “we’ll plan the wedding when I’ve completed my master’s.”
So, that year came and went. I stressed out that second year of teaching, I completed my teaching commitment, and I stopped working 7 AM to 5 PM and all day Sunday. Then I got a job at a fast paced education nonprofit. And I started this job immediately—as in, the very day after the last day of school. Since this past June, I have had a total of 4 vacation days—all taken to fly to my best friends’ weddings. I work sixty hour weeks on a pretty regular basis, I commute a total of three hours each day, and I usually have at least three work events each month that require either a weekend work day or a late night. On top of this, Mr. Pencils now commutes 45 minutes each way and we adopted a puppy (wedidn’t “when” that one, did we?).
The moral of this story, friends, is this: there will never be the perfect “when” for all of life’s major events. While I feel like I have more time to devote to wedding planning now that I’m not teaching anymore, I still work incredibly long hours and have to find time to make it work. So, stop “when”ing, and just do it—start planning, adopt that puppy, go house hunting—hell, buy that new car you want. It’s the perfect economic climate, right?!?!
Anyone else find yourself “when”ing your wedding or other life plans? Do you agree with me or have a differing view?
We when’d it with our engagement. But I’m not all that impatient about it - there’s a part of me that would be happier if we never did get married even though I know 100% I want to be with him. So we ended up deciding when based on his PhD program - he’ll have more time to plan next year so we’re going for summer 2011. The best part, though, was when we told my parents we were engaged, their first reaction wasn’t “yay” but “why now???”
We do this all the time and we’re trying to get out the habit just like you’ve said!
While on the one hand, I get what you are saying about not putting off things you want out of life, I think the vast majority of the decisions you discuss not “when-ing” have major financial implications. It’s all well and good to accept that there’s no perfect time for life’s major decisions, but if those decisions have a hefty price tag (engagement ring, wedding, house, pet, kids) there are better times for them then others. If money isn’t a factor, then it’s a good attitude to have though!
This was very nice. I’m a total ‘when’er for everything! It’s nice to have a reminder that things ultimately happen when they’re supposed to!
ugh, i hate the when-ing. my fiance does it all the time. i’ve wanted to adopt a pet (puppy, kitty i don’t care!). he keeps saying “when we have our own place”. sometimes i feel like things will never happen with him and it scared the crap out of me when i was with him for 5 years and we still weren’t engaged. life doesn’t always have to be perfect for things to happen.
We’ve when-ed the heck out of our relationship. It’s finally starting to come together, just barely.
Niiiiice one! “When-ing” I like the term and great advice Miss Pencils. I can’t wait to tell my fiance about it.
How perfect your post is for me right now! We’ve been together for 6 years now, we’re not young by any means (I’m 34) and we’ve been doing “when-ing” since we started. We moved in together only after 3 months (totally stupid idea for most but it worked for us) we wanted to get married within a year or 2, now 5 years later we decided this past October that 2010 is it, we’ll do it WHEN we . . . of course things kept getting pushed and pushed and me being a former event coordinator I told him I needed 6 months to plan (he wanted 4 - ack!) every time since October that we sat down and said well lets see what about 6 months from now there was always a reason. This past week we finally decided that there’s always some reason there’s always something going on and we’re going to forever be “when-ing” if we don’t just DO IT! So we’re not even engaged yet we have the smallest budget ever but we just decided this week we’re making the final decision this weekend and it’s 99.9% sure we’re getting married Labor Day weekend. He’ll officially propose with in the next few months because we can’t do it right now and he wants to make sure that’s done “right” but if we don’t set the date now and then there are important family members who can’t be involved and If we don’t just do it then that perfect time is NEVER gunna be there so fate kind of intervened for us and we both just said ok this is it and now we’re both REALLY REALLY excited and giddy and feeling silly even though we just have a date, but we’ve never done anything “normally” so it’s fitting! Sometimes you have to look at things and say is there ever really gunna be a “right” time?
We when all of the time. Many times it has to do with money, like when for a new house or a baby and those are totally understandable because they are huge life-changing financial decisions and in the case of the baby it’s a huge life-changing decision and involves another humanbeing. Now for the little things we when about we should stop whening and just do like entertaining, yes I totally agree with you there.
I’ve been wondering…but it seems very likely that you must have been TFA and are now a PD. I was TFA too! I knew there was a (special) reason I liked you 
This is a great post! Great advice too. I think we’ve been doing this for a while but didn’t really realize it. Thanks for the gentle reality check! Is it too late to make this a new years resolution? : )
I hope you’re not telling me that I just go ahead and have a baby right now, haha! We’re definitely “when-ing” that one.
Yeah we when all the time, but its more like a timeline that we have no problem sticking to. We got engaged when I passed the bar and started working but thats because we didnt want to have to plan a wedding while I was in school and studying for a big exam. We had no problem waiting either and since we were young there was no rush. Also the engagement is longer but thats mostly because I wanted 2 years to plan since I dont deal with stress well and things in the NYC/NJ area tend to be extremely expensive so it made sense to both of us. We just see it as working towards what we want and always work towards the goals.
We’ve actually been pretty good at not “when”ing. Although, if we’d waited a little longer to buy a house, we could have gotten that sweet $8k incentive. Oh well!
He is definitely the one “when”ing the engagement while I am ready to just go for it. However, when it comes to buying a house he is ready to make a move t and I am still “when”ing that decision. Great post… I can totally relate!
i agree with you–these things that you’re talking about are time-consuming and sometimes burdensome (although obviously for good gain)–there’s no perfect time unless someone lives in a warp where they have a stress-free life. and if there is such a person, damn them.
Yeah, I’m pretty much a “when-er”, or at least for the next 5 years, that’s as far out as I’ve planned our “whens”. But so far everything the past few years that I’ve planned have happened on schedule, so I don’t think planning (with flexibility) is all that bad.
Oh I definitely understand where you are coming from on this one. My boyfriend and I are relatively young (21) and therefore everything for us kind of has to be a “when”. We’ll get engaged “when” he graduates, except now that he’s going to get his masters, it probably won’t happen until “when” he’s done with that. And as annoying as that is, I have to say it makes sense for us. Because we won’t have money to truly support ourselves until “when” we have both graduated. And what is the point of becoming engaged, and planning a future together, if we have no money to try and build a future on. And as much as I know that makes perfect sense, it’s annoying to have to “when” it.
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Mrs. Pencils, Washington DC/Frederick, MD Age and Occupation: 24, Program Director, Education Non Profit Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Administrative Assistant, Ocean Conservation Non Profit Engagement Date: July 26, 2008 Wedding Date: May 2010 Venue: Morningside Inn About Me: I'm a nerdy Northwestern girl who always knew she was meant to live in the East, harboring a deep love of ice cream, underwear, Diet Coke with a splash of Coca-Cola, pashminas, scrapbooking, stationery, wall calendars and books written for preteens. I think every day should include good thin crust pizza, chocolate, an obscure historical monument, lots of laughter, a dash of wedding planning and, of course, amazing Mr. Pencils! I'm loving the adventure of planning a Maryland wedding and Rocky Mountain reception, and most of all, I just love love!
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