Weddingbee Blog

A few days ago, I was reading through my feed reader’s section of wedding blogs. I’ve culled this section quite a bit recently, as I’m out of the “inspiration” stage of wedding planning and into the nitty-gritty details. One blog that I’ve kept around, though, is A Practical Wedding.

So. What’s the point of all this? Well, a few days ago, she posted a blog titled, “Wedding Sexism (This Time, It’s For Men)”. Without hijacking her post, the gist of the blog is that (and I quote): “…our culture demands that while the wedding day is our EVERYTHING the wedding day is the groom’s NOTHING. Or worse, it’s a trial he has to slog through to keep his woman happy.” Hmm. I’ve been rolling this around in my head for a few days, and I have to say… I have come to realize that there’s a lot of pressure on guys to be uninvolved in the wedding planning process. Granted, not every guy succumbs to this pressure (Mr. FF included), but it’s definitely lurking.

Take, for example, the reaction of one vendor when Mr. FF showed up at an appointment of ours. She was simply astonished that not only would A) a groom show up to an appointment but B) have an opinion on what the meeting was about! I mean… imagine! A groom that actually cares about what is being planned and how our money is being spent! He’s obviously a rare breed!

This might sound like an exaggeration, but I assure you, it is not.

She mentioned several times throughout the meeting that she couldn’t believe that a groom was there, and questioned why he wasn’t at home watching the basketball game that was on TV that night. Further, she kept deferring to me with every question she asked. “How do you feel about this, Miss FF?” I would respond by first asking Mr. FF what he thought, trying to impress upon her that this wasn’t solely my decision, but she persisted. “Okay, Miss FF… if you’re comfortable with that, we can move on to the next topic.” Um, right.

Because it was a somewhat awkward situation, we played along and did the whole “Ha! Yeah, he actually cares! How crazy, hey?” thing, but in retrospect, I wish we wouldn’t have. Why shouldn’t his opinion matter just as much as mine? We’re going into this as partners, and while there are certain things that he honestly does not care about (what dress I picked out, for example) there are several that he does care about. And he shouldn’t be shamed into the position of the go-with-the-flow, show-up-and-smile groom.

Point numero dos: men are as much to blame for this perpetuation of wedding stereotypes as women. How many times is a woman referred to as a “ball and chain” once a man is married, or a “bridezilla” if she gets upset during the wedding process? “Look out,” they warn. “This is just the beginning!” So often, men are told (by other men!) to just stay out of the way and let the bride do what she wants. They’re informed that they are little more than a “glorified hood ornament” to the wedding.

Another post entirely could be devoted about the “rite of passage” that is a man’s bachelor party compared to a woman’s bachelorette party. Mrs. Penguin has already written a great post about the disparity between these parties. Check it out!

For men, a bachelor party is celebrating a man’s “last night out”. Invitations are sent with a tone of condolences to the groom. “It is with a sad heart that I write this to all of you… it appears that the wedding plans are now in motion and all we can do at this point is get out of the way. There is, however, one ray of hope that comes with any wedding. That is, my friends, the bachelor party.” I realize that there is a good amount of roasting that is done before and during bachelor festivities, and that it’s just joking around and in good fun. But…

What if the roles were reversed and this was the message that brides were given before their bachelorette parties? “It’s all over for poor Sally! She’s hitching her wagon to Ted for the rest of her life, so we better get in while the getting’s good … she’s not going to have a life after this!” It’s an interesting dichotomy, to say the least.

I realize that I have made generalizations in this post, and that obviously this does not apply to everyone. At this point, however, I will turn it over to you: what do you feel about gender stereotypes in wedding planning? Have you experienced this first hand? How do you feel about the differences between how men and women approach “the wedding”: the planning, the parties, and the event itself?