Weddingbee Blog

= Frazzilicious Nachos

I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder oh, about 10 years ago. It started when I was in cosmetology school and it got to the point where I wouldn’t get in a car ’cause I knew I’d have a panic attack if I did. I saw a therapist for a while who would condition his patients by exposing them to the thing they feared most, using baby steps, of course. So for one hour a few times a week, he got paid $100 to sit in my passenger seat while I drove around the neighborhood and freaked out on the inside. I have to say over time, it worked wonders and I pretty much have anxiety under control. I wouldn’t be able to sit in the hour-long Chicago rush hour to and from work everyday if I didn’t! However, you never get rid of it, you learn how to control it, and the panic monster still has a tendency to sneak up on me at random unexpected times, usually when I’m stressed. The problem is, I don’t always know that I’m stressed until I panic. It’s my body’s way of relieving stress since I don’t do it on my own. Hence the disorder.

OK, now that you’re all caught up on how my silly brain works, I’ll tell you how this relates to now. I had my first wedding-related anxiety attack yesterday on my way home when I was sitting in this…

(source)

Yep, that’s the highway I take, and yep, it looks like that my whole drive home. It would probably provoke anxiety in anyone, but I’m OK most days.

For some reason I relate certain panic attacks to whatever song was playing on the radio at the time, and now every time I hear Michael Buble’s ”Haven’t Met You Yet”, I will forever remember yesterday. I was fine, singing along, happy the workday was over, then I started thinking about the wedding. In 2 months. I’m getting married again. And the plane. No control on a plane. Squished in like sardines with nowhere to go. And standing with all eyes on me getting ready to walk down the aisle. They’re all gonna be staring at me. My heart started pounding. I started breathing faster. And I got light headed. And sweaty. And I thought, ‘oh God, not now, there’s nowhere to pull over.’ So I opened the window for a blast of cold air and I called a few people because talking about anything usually snaps me out of it before I start hyperventilating and my hands and feet go numb. But no one answered so I had to get through it on my own. I focused on the cool air, my breathing, and Mr. N. And I thought about the Cubs games we’re going to this summer, and getting tipsy at the street fests. And moving into a new apartment. And having babies and how great of a dad he’s going to be. And slowly everything was good in my head again. Without anyone to talk to, I thought all about the fun things to look forward to. Not that the wedding isn’t one of them by any means, I just thought about the non-life-changing, stress-free events coming up and how much I’ll enjoy them and I was able to calm myself down.

I know it’s probably not going to be the last wedding related anxiety attack I have between now and April, which scares me a little because I truly hate them. And I’m a little mad at my brain because I really have not felt stressed much at all since the planning started, but apparently the stress is in there and it’s trying to get out. But like yesterday, I will get through it.

If you can relate and are willing to share, has anxiety disorder caused you any problems during your planning?