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I told you about my very serious illness here, and how it inflicted me with a severe case of “I-can’t-marry-you-because-I-can’t-deal-with-your-crazy-family” and “we-can’t-get-married-because-I-want-nothing-to-do-with-them-and-I-certainly-don’t-want-them-at-our-wedding-itis”. It was very difficult for both Mr. Rainbow and me to deal with, and we got extremely close to canceling the wedding because I so strongly didn’t want to be legally tied to his family.
I consulted with my mom, step-mom, and my fellow bees and came away with some great advice that I’m now going to share with you.
1. Don’t let anyone, not even a Monster-In-Law or a crap SIL, stand in the way of marrying the man of your dreams. Period.
2. While family may be forever, you can always move far, far, away. I was lovingly reminded that Mr. Rainbow and I live a mere 15 minutes away from his mother’s house and she’s only been to our apartment 3 times in as many years (we usually go over there). Once we’re able to pack our sh*t and get outta dodge, I imagine the visits will be even more scarce.
3. When it comes to the wedding, ignore, ignore, and ignore some more. I was concerned that with our small wedding that would be impossible, but I was assured that I’ll be so busy it’ll be a piece of cake. Also, instruct the photographer to avoid taking photos of bride and said offenders, and have Mr. Rainbow set a firm “if she doesn’t talk to you, you don’t talk to her” rule when it comes to the in-laws. Extreme? Maybe. Necessary? Definitely.
Do you have to go to extreme measures to preserve your sanity around your in-laws?
Awh, I’m sorry. Sounds rough. For me, I’m lucky, my in-laws are pretty low-key. I have to actually ask the FMIL for an opinion/advice about a few things because she doesn’t give them unless asked. Yes, a blessing, but sometimes it’s almost like pulling teeth. I would take that though any day compared to one who steps on toes. I hope your big day goes much smoother and the strict #3 doesn’t have to be enforced.
Love you Rainbow! I am so glad that you figured out ways to minimize the impact of family issues on you day. *HUG*
My FFIL has twice asked us to reschedule our Friday night wedding - and when we refused (due to thousands of dollars in cost difference since we are paying for it 100%) he talked my FSIL, who is only 19 and relying on him financially as a college student, into dropping out of the wedding party. Daddy took care of it by calling my FI and telling him - I never even heard a peep from her about this once.
I actually in my fit of raging tears called my MOH/best friend and told her I wouldn’t marry him because I hate FFIL so much! So I know how this feels - and yet I also completely agree with #1.
Hoping everything works out - for you and me both!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this Rainbow! Just know that “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, ENDURES all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7
aw man, that’s rough. good for you for coming up with ways to help you deal with his family–and you’re right not to let the in-laws get in the way of your marriage.
Wow, I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this. I think advice #1 is completely on the money! And as rough as it all must be, the silver lining is that you know Mr. Rainbow is on your side and sees the situation the same way you do. If the in-laws were crazy, and he either didn’t see it, or simply bowed to whatever they wanted or refused to support you in the face of their insanity, then I think you’d have a much bigger problem on your hands. Now you know that even in the face of what must be a gut wrenching situation for him (they are his family, despite it all) that he’ll defend you and stand by you, and that’s no small thing.
Good luck with everything!
Yes, I’ve gone through extreme measures. My in-laws used to be the bane of my existence, and now I absolutely love my FMIL and FS’sIL. His mother used to rudely IGNORE me and not even acknowledge my presence. And one of his sisters and I got into a huge fight which caused all his relatives to gang up on me. I think what changed them is my guy’s constant support of me. He basically showed them that if they make me their enemy, they make HIM their enemy. He even went for a year without speaking to his sister because of my fight with her. He also minimized his interactions with them upon my request. But, because they didn’t want to lose their son/brother, they decided to yield and actually get to know me. And they found out that I’m actually not such a bad person and in fact I treat their son/brother like gold. Now my FMIL will do anything for me and my FS’sIL are two of my BFF’s. But yes, I have been there, I’ve seriously considered breaking up with him because of his demented family, but I completely agree with #1, I refused to let them stand in the way of me getting my dream guy. Sometimes you do have to take extreme measures against the in-laws. I declared war with my in-laws by taking their son/brother away. It was wise of them to raise the white flag.
I’m so glad you were able to find a way to manage the dreaded in-law situation, though I am sorry that you have to do such things in the first place. I can sympathize….The mister and I had a very rough first year together….he was unemployed and had some health issues and really wasn’t very nice to me. Logically, I was the person around him all the time so he inadvertently took things out on me. We have since worked through these things and are closer than ever. However, many people (family and friends included) have a strong opinion about howour relationship is doomed from the start due to the difficulties we endured in just the first year. The mister and I feel very differently and have worked together to ensure these things don’t repeat. Sadly, I’ve had to have an if-you-don’t-like-it-you-don’t-get-to-be-involved-in-our-wedding-day-and-I-don’t-care kind of attitude with these people. So I totally understand where you are coming from. I am in complete agreement with these tidbits!
my fiances mom is currently threatening to not attend the wedding… its a looooooooooooong story and a good thing that we live four hours apart.
I’m so happy you’re at peace with everything and figured out a way to make it all work for you, no matter how extreme. It sounds like you have a good plan of attack and yea to Mr. R for backing you up all the way!
While I don’t hate my FSIL (one of them), we aren’t exactly buddies. Fortunately this go round (much stress and other things led to us to postpone the nuptials the first time), I’ve been able to do just about all the planning in the way I want, but I’ve also kept in mind others without driving myself nuts.
We aren’t doing so many formal photos because of the disproportionality of the families and hopefully, there won’t be any issues the day of. FI has been really great in saying to me that since I’m doing all the work and he really wants me to be happy, it’s my day to do with it as I please and as long as I’m not being Bridezilla, he’ll back me up. I can’t ask for anything more and planning this time around has been really smooth.
Stand your ground and enjoy your day.
Im happy to hear that you and Mr. R on the same page - thats the most important thing. I’m also happy that there is hope… my FI and I also had the “I-can’t-marry-you-because-I-can’t-deal-with-your-crazy-family” and “we-can’t-get-married-because-I-want-nothing-to-do-with-them-and-I-certainly-don’t-want-them-at-our-wedding-itis” disease interrupt our wedding planning AND in fact postpone our wedding as well. It was also due to FMIL issues which escalated into FSIL issues and ended up with my parents and his parents at eachother’s throats… not literally. There’s still so much tension there but hopefully, with time, everything will settle down. Best of luck Miss Rainbow!
I’m sorry your FMIL is putting you through this. 
I haven’t had to do anything to avoid my in-laws, who I *love*… but I’ve got all kinds of plans in place to avoid my mother (who I also love, but who stresses me out in huge ways). 
Definitely agree with your ignore point. It’s very true!
I’m glad you were able to work things out your *own* way! 
I’m soooo happy that you have such a great support system! Just let all the negativity roll of your back - don’t let her ruin your day!!!
I’m so glad that you figured out a solution. Sounds like your family is super supportive - that’s great!
My in-laws are crazy too. So much so that we haven’t even told them we are engaged. And aren’t planning on doing so until all the big things are finalised so we can just say “this is how it’s happening”. WAY easier than having them tell us how it has to happen (and of course with NO financial help to cover their big ideas).
They forced my FI’s sister to get married when she was 18 because she got pregnant. FMIL planned the whole elaborate affair without FSIL getting any say, and THEN had the hide to make FSIL pay her back the ENTIRE amount she had spent on her wedding. Of course she had just finished high school and had a new born baby to deal with.
So we can only imagine what would happen if they had anything to do with our wedding…
Good luck Rainbow!
I feel you! I want nothing to do with my FMIL after a huge falling out that she has decided to pretend never happened. My biggest problem now is limiting myself to just worrying about her in regards to the wedding–I periodically freak out about how bad this is going to get when my man and I have kids! Ick! Why are there so many crazy people out there!?
@MB: Yeah, I already told my FMIL that I want nothing to do with her, but unfortunately we still have to invite her to the wedding because it is her son getting married after all. I worry a little bit about it affecting our relationship, but he’s never been super close to his mom to begin with and she’s already said to us “When you have grandkids, make sure you’re living far away from me”. Uhm, yeah, will do, bitch.
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Mrs. Rainbow, Tampa Age and Occupation: 22, Makeup Artist Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Electrical Engineer/Programmer Engagement Date: November 27, 2008 Wedding Date: May 2010 Venue: The Gamble Plantation About Me: I'm a quirky (and slightly Type-A) freelance makeup artist who was born in Washington State, raised in Alabama, and now living with my one and only in sunny Florida. I'm fashion and beauty obsessed, and have recently discovered my inner domestic diva extraordinaire. I'm a wannabe chef, decorating addict, and trying desperately to be as crafty as possible---albeit only with a glue gun. I'm hopelessly in love with my fiance, and all things sparkly and feathery. Despite the glittery exterior, I'm a total hippie on the inside. When I'm not making up pretty faces, I love doing what I can to help people, animals, and the environment. Someday the FI and I will change the world, but first we're tackling our modern-vintage-Marie-Antoinette-meets-Alice-in-Wonderland inspired wedding. I just can't wait to be Mrs. Rainbow!
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